Violetdream

[Violetdream]

Pressed send by accident.. basically he is completely self destructive. But he destroys me too. I am and always have been bottom of the priority list. I feel so alone all.of the time. At the moment the addiction is work. He works 7 days a week, every hour of the day. He has stopped sleeping because he is so obseaawd with it. He leaves me to do everything else and is not remotely interested in me or anything else. I just struggle with this because I feel so so alone and unhappy. He is not physically abusive to me but is extremely manipulative, dismissve and sexist. He makes me feel so unimportant yet here I am almost begging him for a little love and attention, even just a moment of time. Why do I do that? I feel like the easy answer is leave and be happy but I just dont. Why? Hate myself for it. I get so overwhelmed that I have started to self harm. Just really struggling in isolation. I’m.sure lots of younger too 💔 stay safe girls xx

[Violetdream]

This could have been written by me. Almost identical and I feel like I am in the same position as you in that I don’t actually believe he does it intentionally. I genuinely think it is ingrained in his personality and he is a clinical narcissist. The problem I have is whether or not to stay or whether I can live with it because like you said, he can be great and I love him. It’s a really hard place to find yourself. Keep talking. This forum helps so much xx

[Violetdream]

Hi Dragon,

I feel exactly the same way when things are good. Which they are right now. But when things aren’t quite so good I get a flush of memories of all the bad bits and ask myself why on earth I put up with it! But then things get good again and it’s as if I forget everything. I make excuses, blame myself etc. Sometimes I Google emotional abuse and I see myself in some of the descriptions! I do talk back, argue my point but sometimes the way he is just makes it a little different..I think. It is such a confusing time.

I never know whether I’m coming or going but like you, I think maybe this is just part of the ups and downs in relationships! Its really really difficult for me to distinguish between the good and bad when we are in the thick of it. Love is blind- that has never felt more true to me.

I posted recently about feeling that I was perhaps being a bit dramatic. The problem is, when things are good I absolutely believe that is true. It’s confusing and I’m not sure how to help myself or you. All I can say is that I am so glad I found this forum. Somewhere safe to talk to those who really know and will support you. Keep posting. Xx

[Violetdream]

Thank you Hetty. I am feeling glad that I have reached out on this forum. After only a few days I’m starting to feel less alone and lessisolated. I have also started reading one of the books recommended above and that has given some real insight. Chriatmas time was extremely turbulent with caused me to have a bit of a break down and as a result of that his behaviour has been much,much better and ‘normal’so I think its definitely a good step to begin writing down how he treats me to see any patterns. I feel like I already mnkw they will emerge but writing them down will give me a bit of clarification? I feel like I have spent so many years in such a mess, assuming it was all about me, I’m a manic depressive who doesn’t cope well, who isn’t good enough, who is stupid etc ut now I realise this has all been projected onto me by him. It’s quite earth shattering.x

[Violetdream]

Thank you, it’s really helping to have you all to talk (type) to. I really do think he dumps his emotional issues and feel gs of inadequacy on me. I think that I the core of it. If he had some sort of therapy would this change and possibly alter his behaviour? I feel lost because I dont know what it will take for me to leave. I put up with it and manage to cope and stay put because I love him. I read a quote recently which you ‘you get what you put up with’and that really hit home with me and my situation. I never thought I’d find myself here. I feel like I’m a strong person but I allow him to tear me down. Why do I allow that? I think this is why I question whether it’s me with the problem. Tha is for your support x

[Violetdream]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Very helping having a space to ask question to people who really know.

I really am confused and although I know our relationship is not quite right, I still really do love him. I keep hoping things will change get and get better as I want to be with him. But then I beat myself up as it makes me feel so weak. And I didn’t think I was a weak person.

I am currently taking anti depressants as I found everything very hard to cope with after having my baby. Before that I used exercise and yoga as an escape but obviously this become impossible with a baby! I have had suicidal thoughts and thought about self harming, but this again makes me feel so weak. I feel like I’m going insane which is why I find it hard to work out whether this is all because of him or whether there is something wrong with me! I feel like I’m addicted to him sometimes and when he is good to me I feel so happy. Again making me weak.

He has very narcissist traits and has his own issues so sometimes I feel like I want to help him. But he never thinks of helping or supporting me. He has always been over the too with lavish gifts and holidays so it looks as if he spoils me rotten and I’m so lucky, which I am, but these things dont matter to me. I am not materialistic where as he really is. Nothing is ever enough for him.

Thank you for the book recommendations, I will look them up.

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