Was-it-me

[Was-it-me]

@Flowersandcats oh my lord, I had forgotten about the experiences with exes… My abuser got crazy mad when I tried to tell a story about my crush -wait for it- in kindergarten!!! He said (detail removed by moderator) lol.
Oh, and once I showed him a photo of my dad, he got really defensive and started talking about how much better goodlooking his dad and mum were…
I don’t know, maybe the rule was to never be happy and proud about anything other than him.

[Was-it-me]

@Headspin it’s crazy how reading your comment made me think that I was the abuser for stating I don’t like some of his furniture… I mean.. it was my opinion, since he wanted me to move with him…
I guess it’s more the attitude that goes with these rules, and not the small things we all have preferences for. My abuser asked for my opinion, but didn’t take it seriously.
I didn’t want to move in with him because it was too soon and I didn’t have a job, but he insisted so bad. He said it was our house now, but like you describe, the feeling of “you should appreciate all I do for you and owe me something” was there…

[Was-it-me]

I remember him stating very early in the relationship that “We never EVER eat in bed” before I even tried to. I guess I was lucky because I don’t generally do so and he didn’t have to repeat himself.
I didn’t “love him” if I chose to sleep on the couch when sick. Or if I had my own comforter instead of us sharing one…
The thing that confuses me is that I broke them all rules and he didn’t get angry. It was the emotional effect of “you don’t listen to me, you don’t love me enough” that made me feel like a bad partner most of the time.

The general, worst rule was that HE KNEW BEST. And that I had to talk in a very sweet way in order for him to not feel offended or inadequate in any way.

[Was-it-me]

@Stressedandalone you spoke to your ex’s ex? Oh wow, I wish I could do that… My ex never spoke about his past relationships and he didn’t have any of them contacts on his facebook. At least that’s what he used to tell me – that past is in the past.
The only thing I know is that he was engaged for some years, and that he felt “selfish” back then. I took it for good that he didn’t blame his ex for the breakup… Then again, not being able or want to (or keep secret) to pinpoint why an engagement ended is kind of a red flag.

I wish I knew how he behaved to other women. Maybe then I wouldn’t try and take all the blame.

You are in luck of knowledge.

[Was-it-me]

@Stressedandalone I’m so sorry. You need to cut them off your life, block their numbers so they can’t reach you.
I understand how chaotic and hurtful this is. I sadly have no other good advise on how we will completely get over their abuse except for therapy.

I am searching for a therapist to help me cope, but their prices are so high… I feel worthless, like a stepping stone he used to get to his ideal life and wife. I suffered multiple physical illnesses due to stress and sadness after the breakup, while he was out there (during covid) searching for his next romance. I was strong, I didn’t get back with him, but that’s all I accomplished and in what cost?
At least you know she is a toxic person as well. In my mind, my ex’s wife is an angel for all I (don’t) know. The comparison hits hard when all you see is happy Facebook photos…

I miss him too. I hate myself.

[Was-it-me]

@Stressedandalone his cheating had nothing to do with you, it was his fault and you deserve trust and love.
I can feel your heartbreak. My thoughts are all over the place. If they weren’t charming in the beginning they wouldn’t have a chance with women though, right?
Why do you feel destroyed by his new partner, is she the one he cheated on you with? It is unethical to nurture this behavior, but are you sure she knows the truth?

[Was-it-me]

@ISOpeace thank you.
The most disturbing thought I have at the moment, is feeling discarded because he doesn’t want to “own” me anymore. That he is invested in someone else.
It’s like I know he can’t love the way I (and everyone) deserve, but my mind remembers when he was obsessed with me! It is messed up, and I believe it’s my trauma bond talking – as obsession during the honeymoon phase was the best I got out of this relationship, I miss this, forgetting the abuse.

No matter how much I try to think that people don’t change, I see his new woman smiling next to him, and it HURTS like hell. If she smiles, then he must be behaving right.

Do these make sense?

@KIP. I don’t know what Claire’s law is (I don’t live in the UK), but anyway his abuse was not physical. He did push me (detail removed by moderator) times, but it was mostly psychological and verbal abuse.
I can do nothing for her. She probably wouldn’t even believe me if I did tell her. Hell, he may not be abusive if she ticks all his boxes and behaves how he expects. They may have a common vision of what family is…
But he does have a pattern. It was a long time before he met me that he was engaged, and I thought it was random. But with proposing so soon, to me and the new woman, I can see his craves this commitment more than getting to know his partner in depth.

[Was-it-me]

Hi @Auriel. I understand what you’re saying, in some ways abuse has been introduced to us during our upbringing. Also us being women, we are expected (by society) to put up with a lot of abusive behavior because “good girls” and “boys will be boys”…
I haven’t done the Freedom Program, no. As I saw I have to pay for it and I can’t at the moment. Do you know if there is something similar for free download? My first language isn’t English and I don’t live in UK. But I can understand the language well enough.
I also posted about him getting married, I feel devastated. He must be treating her so good in order for things to move so fast. He had proposed to me as well, but I wanted to get to know him better. How does she not see a red flag in this behavior? So many questions…

You, us, we all deserve better as you said. Thank you so much for the love, I’m sending you virtual hugs. ❤️

[Was-it-me]

Hello @Auriel, thank you for replying… ❤️
I can see my trauma bond clearly. Because even if there were good moments, there were many negative feelings also, and I try to remember these as well. The feeling of loneliness in a relationship, the fear of talking things out, the hopelessness when I saw no change but couldn’t leave.
It was my first long-term relationship, and I treasured our cuddles, our supermarket visits. You know, the small things. I often wonder how can a relationship feel so normal and abusive at the same time?
I can’t picture me doing everyday things with someone else and it is sad. Worse, I am afraid of relationships altogether. I am afraid someone will be able to gain my trust and then change. I have yet to see a healthy interaction in a couple close to me. Most men are abusive.

Any words of advice or experience are welcome.

[Was-it-me]

@Hawthorn, I can’t thank you enough.
These days are super hard. I’m being super hard on myself.
I really want to believe that my toxic behavior was reactive, but I also want to recognize what I did wrong and how I can be a better person and maybe partner in the future.

My question is, how do we know we were reacting to their abuse and not the opposite?
In my case, it helps remembering how I felt fear over time – to communicate my needs and love. He didn’t feel fear. He did what he wanted.

I couldn’t put it into words, but another member wrote about it in a post:
I don’t know if what he was doing was conscious. Up to this day I believe he did what he thought was the right thing to do; He wanted me to behave and in his mind he was loving still. The red flag was not having remorse when seeing me low and crying.
Please, I don’t know how to explain it and it confuses me so much.

This is the reason I expect he doesn’t show abusive behavior to his new partner, if she is what he wants.

[Was-it-me]

GR, I suppose we do?…

No matter what I write, I still make excuses for him and blame myself. Ongoing thinking.

I’m currently reading stories here in the forum, and I wonder about my abusive traits.

I feel so sad. I didn’t want to gain control, I just wanted for him to show some sympathy.
It is what Tangerine wrote… I was toxic at times, too. It kills me.

Maybe now, his new girlfriend is more balanced. And he is too.

Sorry for the long posts.

[Was-it-me]

Hello Grey Rock. Thank you for your message.

The irony is I was suspicious from the start, about him being super nice and adoring me. I wanted to take things slow, I remember feeling uncomfortable. These were the early signs of him not respecting my boundaries.
I decided to trust him anyway, to believe I was overreacting.

I will write this here for future reference, and for any woman out there who maybe experiences the same:
I was feeling uncomfortable. He hugged me, kissed me, held me, in a suffocating way. Sometimes I had to yell at him because he wouldn’t stop when I asked politely.
This is never right. A person who cares gives you space and communication.
And of course, I felt horrible when he became gradually distant, because I thought I caused him to do so. I was left thinking I wasn’t appreciative enough of his love at the beginning.

[Was-it-me]

Hello Tangerine, thank you for the reply.

I completely cut him off when we broke up, it was a very difficult thing to do. As you said, I couldn’t imagine my life without him but in a sick way. Like I felt helpless and hopeless but still didn’t leave.

It is my fault that I checked his profile, I shouldn’t know he’s dating. This is also very unhealthy, because I keep hurting myself comparing.

I don’t know what to do. I know I haven’t fully forgiven myself for staying in such a bad relationship for so long. I’m reading and learning about abuse, and it puzzles me how I tolerated all of these. When I tell you I lost myself, words can’t describe it.

And part of me thought he wouldn’t find love again, being the way that he is. Seeing him moving on hurts so bad. He took my smile, my positive thoughts, my everything.

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