yuyu

[yuyu]

I am starting to realise life is really sad for peoples like me, i have to fight for myself but then have so much trauma that i cant even function like others do. yet im expected to, its very sad

[yuyu]

Been alerted that I’ve been expected to leave by THIS WEEK! Which is unrealistic. And all the refuges I speak to are saying they aren’t sure they can meet my needs.

[yuyu]

Thank you for the kind messages. Overall I may be trapped, as I am unsure how to weed out a better refuge.

[yuyu]

I just wanted life to get better but yet again I’m fighting for my safety and my protection

[yuyu]

I can always tell when one is going to explode, as for the other now that they have exploded they will likely ignore me unless i beg and say sorry, which i cannot do.

[yuyu]

Dear Needtoclarify,

Thank you very much for your kind and caring response. I hope so as well. There has been a backlash for me limiting contact, but there is nothing I can do about it. I will do my best to become a good adult like you described and live a better life someday.

All the best to you as well. Thanks again for the support and help.

[yuyu]

Hello Shura, Thank you for your reply.

From what I am hearing, it seems you are facing many pressures when dating from your family and also from the worry your little one has for you after their experience as well. I am sorry that there are also family member listening in to your conversations and asking for all the details as well, this sounds quite difficult to navigate. I see, having panic attacks sounds tough as well.

Are there any methods you can use when you have a panic attack or professional services you can call to talk about it? Maybe a helpline to talk to such as the Samaritans may help a bit as a resource if you feel anxious as well. Would you feel safe reaching out to a professional or would that not be a good option? It is also fine if you would prefer to take a different path.

A method I was taught about for panic attacks is to focus on the senses, like on the colours and sights etc that you see so then the focus goes from the thoughts to the surroundings again; to hold onto something that makes you feel comfy, or think of safe things. I am not sure if this is good advice though, so please let me know if I am not right.

Your words make perfect sense. You have done very well, working on yourself, recognising your difficulties with dating and also sharing the impact your ex has had on you. I cannot give a concrete answer as I am not an expert, but I think it is fine to feel like what your ex is doing is haunting you. I too feel the pain that people inflicted on me in the past even today. In my opinion you are doing your best, and I believe that you can and will definitely continue on with your life. I think what you are currently doing is amazing in itself.

[yuyu]

Hello Shura, this is Yuyu. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. I see, that is a very tough situation. I would like to say it is okay you feel that way. Dating is not something I am very knowledgeable about, but it is very hard to feel trust and build a relationship in dating sometimes. I think your anxious feelings and worry are okay to feel.

Is there anyone you can reach to for support with the feelings you get regarding dating? Maybe the support of a close one can help ease the tension.

I want to say you are doing an amazing job just by getting out there and having first dates. That in itself is a really good achievement.

[yuyu]

It is the kind of family dynamic where children do not have a voice and the older the adult, the more control and obedience is expected from the youngers. So a lot of the young ones have made their own roosts now

[yuyu]

Dear Eggshells,

Thank you very much for your kind message. I appreciate your nice words a lot. Sorry for my late reply.

Well in general it is a very big mess of a situation. Currently I am lessening the damage by not opening up to my mum and gran anymore about my private life. So this means that nowadays the main issues are gran making little digs at me to try to get me to talk to her, such as saying ‘what’s wrong with your hair?’ and my mum gives me the silent treatment if I don’t read her mind the way she wants me to regarding things such as (detail removed by Moderator) and chores. It is a very sad place to live, but I have material goods and some food etc (though mum doesn’t buy me the foodstuffs i like to eat anymore, only her tastes).

But yeah the general gist is that from childhood, my mum has been trying to mould me to be just like her by punishing any behaviours or actions of mine that she does not approve of, and invalidating my feelings. This means that my mum and I only ever used to get along if I behaved in a way she approved of or in the things that she has interest in. And when she classes me as ‘out of line’ the punishments vary a lot. It used to be physical until I was older. But it is more verbal attacks and psychological mind games.

I have had a hard time with my gran since childhood. She either has really low or really high expectations for me, used to slap me a lot whenever I messed up as a kid; and she has exposed me to some horrible boyfriends of hers- one who bullied me as a kid yet she would let him continue, and another who sexually harrassed me yet she actually housed him again (detail removed by Moderator) and refused to believe me at first.

As family reputation is important to mum and gran, neither of them support me if I get in a family incident, such as being ignored for years by my (detail removed by Moderator). They are likely to enable the family member who hurts me in order to save face, and this has happened a lot. So I have to deal with my emotions and battles alone as they will only support me if my situations make sense to THEM. But my personality often is not accepted by either my gran or mum so they are mean to me a lot.

Then the extended family is tough, there is just a lot of various warfare between members and different toxic relationships, however they have now split off into smaller groups so the tension is not as bad as before. When i was younger, I had many uncomfortable interactions with quite a few members so I avoid most of them whenever I can.

If you read my story, thank you. Have a good day.

[yuyu]

Hello, I am sorry you are experiencing such a situation. It is not insignificant at all. Based on what you have said, he is not communicating directly with you and then getting mad when you do not pick up on his indirect and hidden cues. That is not fair on you at all. I am sorry he is doing this to you, you do not deserve such treatment. And you are doing well by explaining how you feel, even if he ignores it.

[yuyu]

Hello, PurpleFlowers. My name is yuyu. I am really sorry to hear that you are in such a tough situation. I am sorry your mum has worn you down so much. I am sorry as well that they took advantage of your situation giving birth like that. None of it is your fault, and awesome job standing up for yourself as well. Your feelings are all very valid.

Would you like to contact the Women’s aid helpline? Also sites like Mind may help signpost you to a good professional service that can help. They may be able to signpost you to legal experts.

I am not very good at advice, but I think if you can reclaim your boundaries from them and gradually separate enough to regain your own space, it may be helpful. But as I am not an expert on your situation, I do not want to give advice that is not helpful to you.

[yuyu]

Thank you so much swanlake! I wish you all the best with your volunteering and yeah, saying no can be hard. Sadly yeah my support worker AND my advocate get upset that I ask for support when they are busy. I agree wholeheartedly with you, I too wish someone had time for me too.

[yuyu]

Thank you @lostnalone it has been a really horrible experience indeed. Leaving abusers who told me I was too difficult to understand only then to meet support workers and advocate who treat me in the same way has been a nightmare.

Thanks for your advice I appreciate it a lot. And you’re right sadly to them it’s a job but to me it’s my life. Can’t let anybody mess with my life.

[yuyu]

Thank you for your message. To be honest I see your point however, I have tried to communicate with them how I am feeling mentally and how certain things they have said has hurt me: jokes about my hair, sexuality, (detail removed by moderator) and dismissing my abuser contacting me has been some of the incidents so I don’t think my mental health is painting their behaviour as worse.

I have tried emailing their complaints and they have no suggestions box. Nobody is willing to hear my perspective on the treatment here and I have been shut down. My only other line of support doesn’t believe or get me either. Only external charities and my therapist as well as other external staff tell me that I am currently facing abuse at my refuge.

[yuyu]

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for your message. Women’s Aid chat gave me good advice on submitting a complaint but sadly the charity is too smart and all messages are internally only passed back to the same staff who mistreat me. I also check the refuge register but I do not feel safe making an enquiry to them as I am scared they will mistreat me too or house me in worse care.

[yuyu]

Thank you I am really sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you are doing better now

[yuyu]

Thank you very much for the advice. I contacted the abuse helpline on text chat mode and it was helpful, thank you for the good advice. At the moment, they are back on the ‘being nice’ part of the abuse cycle again so I can finally breathe. But yeah it sucks. I will keep this advice in mind.

[yuyu]

Thank you very much for the kind words and helpful support. I am sorry to hear about your situation as well and I hope you are okay. I agree a lot with your advice, I don’t have a support network but I contact helplines on the bad days

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