Apple pie

[Apple pie]

I totally understand the inclination but i think you are correct when you say she won’t listen if you write her a letter and it will unfortunately reflect badly on you.

It also sounds flippant but i imagine he will show his true colours soon. Also, might his friends and family have an idea of how he abused you? People are more canny than we realise. Even when it’s their own friend or family member. It might be for them to intervene.

I am not saying don’t act on this-it not my place to. I just think you need to think really really carefully about doing so. In the future if things go wrong she may need to come to you and ask you for information or help. Or some version of that. In which case you need to maintain your integrity.

It’s so so difficult.

You also sound like even though you have had a hard time, and you aren’t ready to date, you are in a good place. You aren’t with anyone and you have your kids. That’s your inner circle. Y They are your priority. Your ex’s new partner, however concerned you are for her, isn’t at this time someone you should be feel responsible for.

Keep your eyes and ears open- you know the signs. If you see them, and have concerns for her safety, then take advice from someone in the know.

Hope that doesn’t sound patronising
Xxx

[Apple pie]

You poor thing.

Leaving an abusive relationship is like hitting your funny bone- not just painful but sickly and uncomfortable. You don’t know where to put yourself. Your emotions are conflicting as you are traumatised and yet miss the perpetrator.

Like the other kind ladies on this forum said. Be kind to yourself. Concentrate on getting through each day at a time.

Don’t fall into the trap of over analysing your self or picking on yourself even though you are used to that (because thats what abusers do.)
Lots of people go out and get mashed when they feel rubbish and look for company and comfort. You are self aware enough to realise it didn’t help but put it behind you. Self medicate with chocolate and books and things like that. Soothing banal stuff can be a real comfort. They fill up the space in your head.

Take care and hugs xxx

[Apple pie]

Thanks for the total empathy.
Hope you are ok too xxx

I am crumbling all over the place. Just aiming to get through the weekend.It’s mothers’ day and i am supposed to be working. Instead i am bogged down by misery and having to fight the urge to agree to go and see him.

[Apple pie]

Thanks so much all of you.
It really helps to have your empathy and support.
I was so close to crumbling earlier and agreeing to see him at the weekend. Then we had a video chat… And he had a go at me for wearing a low cut top. If that’s not a sign to stay away i don’t know what is. I am almost relieved. It’s much easier to be strong when he is unreasonable.

[Apple pie]

Do you have screen shots of text messages or anything? have you confided in any of your friends? Has he ever acted up in public, like near your kids school? Keeping evidence is so so tricky as its hard to have privacy and abusers keep such a track of you, but sometimes things slip through the net.

I used to take pictures of bruises on my face but he always found them and deleted them or would ask me why I had these pictures (in a scary way.) So I never had evidence. But one time my face was all swollen and misshapen. I covered it with make up and pretended at work that I had a tooth absess. Someone put a pic of me on twitter (not because of my face, I happened to be (detail removed by Moderator).) I dont think others would notice that easily unless they knew what to look for but I kind of think if I ever needed it, I would use that picture as evidence. My face was assymetrical. I have also secretly saved whatsapp conversations, which are full of verbal abuse and threats, by saving them or having screen shots saved in another email address. If you have a friend you trust you could send them stuff, to cover your tracks.

Try and think creatively. In this digital age of information everywhere there might be some evidence you can use.

Try not to feel like everyone is against you. I can totally see why you do, but actually there are people out there who understand and want to help you. Even police officers are so much more aware these days.Since the coercive control legal changes, people understand more about abuse.

I have a friend who used to help train police officers. She said it was difficult, because sometimes abuse is bewildering. She would have to explain why they needed to be aware that, for example, waking some one up every half an hour, seemingly non violent acts of behaviour, are abuse. She told me this because I was explaining an incident where my partner kept throwing water at me in bed.

The police, or lots of them anyway, have had their eyes opened. Please, please keep trying.

[Apple pie]

Oh you poor thing

It’s all so depressingly familiar. Sorry to say it like that. But all those instances that eat away at you and slowly erode you and disturb you life… and you apologising. I can empathise because it is exactly what my life is like.

It drags you down and stops you being able to be normal.

You can’t keep up with normal life and routines because they constantly phone or not even that. You just need to be on constant alert or you feel guilty everytime you miss their call. It’s hard to relate to other people because your life becomes a bonkers chain of ‘petty’ instances. Not petty to you.

Stay strong and try not to go back. If you feel numb it’s understandable.

Constant bully ing does weird things to you

You have to cope some how. Your body produces hormones and it effects your responses for a while.

Take care
Well done for reaching out and it’s great you can offload here

Xxx

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