Bluegem

[Bluegem]

Thank you Fizylem and diymum for your replies. I was touched by the story of the man in the swimming pool, thanks for sharing that. Fizylem, you are quite right when you say that as long as I continue with this relationship (or this ‘almost relationship’ as I refer to it) then I am accepting his terms. I am working hard on it though, like today I texted him and asked him (detail removed by moderator). I decided the time and place and felt like I was in control. I can handle being mates but have no intention of getting back on the merry-go-round of the almost relationship that never goes anywhere. I have a list of bullet points pinned to my kitchen cupboard reminding myself that I deserve to be number 1 and that being almost exclusive is not being exclusive etc. I read these every day. He must realise that I have changed a lot from the old me who was forever getting upset because he hadn’t been in touch or shoved me back in the closet because his family were coming. Now I fill my time with other things and don’t always make myself available. He always used to make me feel like his life is so busy and I was honored to have his time, now my life is busy. It takes a lot of work but small steps forward. You are right also Fizylem about how many women settle because it is easier than being alone. I know one very well, she is not at all happy. He has provided her with a nice house and holidays abroad but she is so very depressed because she knows that if she left him she leaves her comfortable life. I rent a one bedroomed (detail removed by moderator) and money is tight but I am happier than I have ever been in any of my three marriages. I just need to stay strong and assertive with this currant guy, keep being in control and hopefully find the strength to go no contact or let him gradually disappear from my life as he may well do now he is finding a new me (someone he can’t always call the shots with). It is not easy. One other thing, Fizylem, we can only feel love towards our parents if they gave it to us, we do not owe them anything. Like you I did what I did out of duty. My mother knew I didn’t want to be with her when she was old and sick but I don’t feel guilty about that. Some women never earn the title ‘mum’. You reap what you sow I always say. xx

[Bluegem]

I know exactly what that feels like, when you doubt yourself when he has his say. In a healthy relationship you are equals. Your opinions should matter and you should be listened to. It sounds like he is messing with your head which can drive you crazy eventually. I agree with KIP that he is using the children into guilt tripping you into staying. Everything you say sounds like emotional abuse and it does get a lot worse. I left my first husband when my children were (detail removed by moderator) (he was threatening that if I didn’t have sex with him he would have sex with our (detail removed by moderator) daughter when I was at work). That was back in the early 70s when it was shameful to leave a marriage. But I did and never looked back. It’s not easy but it’s a lot easier than living with an abusive man. In my case I went into 3 more abusive relationships before counselling taught me why I was in this pattern (my abusive childhood). Maybe if my own mother had left my father the whole cycle of generations of abuse would have been avoided. Nobody can tell you what to do but hopefully this site can help show you what is going on in your marriage. Good luck.

[Bluegem]

Thank you KIP for your reply, from which I gather you can give the details to the police so they have it on record in case anyone else were to come forward (or maybe even has in the past). You are right in that as victims we need to be validated and heard. The thinking that I should be able to move on and put this behind me whilst that creep lives free and able to do it again sucks. I will at least contact the police and ask to speak to someone trained in this field and see what she advises. Thank goodness for this site, shame we women need it though! x

[Bluegem]

Hi KIP and thank you for your reply. Just to add that this man wasn’t my husband (I had been married previously) but I was living with him as his partner. I hope you are well now. I agree it’s despicable that they get more abusive when we are in a weakened state. What pathetic creatures!x

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