brokenputty

[brokenputty]

Oh my god this forum does my head in I wrote w…e…i…rdo and it gets blocked out? Hardly a swear word! As if this isn’t emotional enough I’m getting censored left right and centre!!!

[brokenputty]

It’s literally getting harder every minute to keep it together. I’m losing my cool at work and welling up at my desk I just feel like a weirdo. I feel like I need some time off to get everything sorted but I just feel like a failure then. I want my stuff back. I wanna move on. This being stuck in limbo is horrid.

[brokenputty]

I found myself wishing mine would get killed by his dealer but no such luck. They seem to be like cats with 9 lives!

[brokenputty]

Hey
Literally posted a similar thing as you today.
It’s so hard, I miss him a lot and I keep kicking myself thinking why would you miss that?! He has been SO nasty (the most derogatory words and names I’ve ever heard) to me but also there has been great times where he’s been amazing. I honestly start to cry when I think of all the sweet things he did and to know i won’t have that again really breaks me. But knowing I won’t have the screaming and scaring me helps.

Just feel so lonely, it’s awful.

Well done for getting out xxx

[brokenputty]

Hi there
I am so so so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way, it’s just awful. Whilst my expartner hasn’t belittled my appearance it’s just everything else like the way I am, my personality, so that feels really sad and I’ve really lost who I am as a person and find myself taking on his opinions and I hate it. I can’t wait for it to fade away and I’ll just be me again ( hope!)

What I will say is that when your confidence is at an all time low, you won’t realise it but you will probably act like you don’t want attention or anyone near you. What you need is something to make you feel better and as sad as it sounds, just going off to get your nails/hair/tan/etc done can make you feel so much better, but beauty is as they say, skin deep! You need to do something for YOU, take up a class doing something like art, cooking or dancing or… anything! Something to give you satisfaction and your confidence will come naturally. It’s so easy to stand in the mirror and just self-loathe, I do it a lot, but it’s so much more damaging than getting out there and doing things for yourself.

Also – there is nothing wrong with you! That was solely his problem and his way of making sure you had no confidence – it’s working so don’t let it stop you from having that confidence now! xx

I need to take my own advice! I know it’s hard xxx

[brokenputty]

Oh and I feel so awfully suicidal. I feel like there’s no way out. However after a failed attempt last year I’m too scared to do it again. It was humiliating x

[brokenputty]

Hey all
I didn’t end up leaving when I said I would. It all just calmed down and went back to normal.
It’s just never gonna get better I know that but I’m terrified to leave.

Does anyone know if the refuge/womens aid could provide support on organising a restraining order once I’ve left? I am not planning on going to a refuge as i can’t afford it. I will go elsewhere luckily. I am terrified of what he might do as he’s really unpredictable. He’s a very strong man and knows all sorts of dodgy people, I know that for a fact. I don’t want to get attacked. 🙁 you hear all these stories about jilted exes and I don’t want to end up a statistic.

I have emailed the lady I was talking to before about this as well but I know they are only open certain hours. I have cried on and off all day at work, trying my best to hide it all but it’s just getting too much. I wish I could take some time off but it wouldn’t achieve anything.

[brokenputty]

I haven’t left.
The refuge didn’t have a space for me last night and i said I’d call back the lady i spoke to today. I’m going to a family members this weekend anyway which has been planned for a while, so I will be packing as much as I can without raising suspicion and I’m planning to then just go straight to the refuge when I come back to where I live. But he’s turned on the charm again.
So I feel trapped, again.
I don’t think I can do this 🙁 the refuge is incredibly expensive and I’ll have to take time out of work for key worker sessions which could really mess it up, i only just got made permanent.
Not sure what to do .

[brokenputty]

Hi ladies
Things got better for a couple of weeks but now it’s gone terrible again.
He’s convinced my friend who is a stripper is also a prostitute, which she isn’t, so doesn’t like the idea of his girlfriend hanging around with someone like that, however has said how he isn’t telling me I can’t see her so I can’t call him controlling. Even though we just do normal things like go out for dinner or go shopping… it’s just her job and nothing more! It’s all over that. He asked me if i was seeing “my hooker friend” and I said no and I’d already told him no but then I reacted over the fact he called her that. So he took it as i was accusing him of controlling behaviour, then he told me it now carries a prison sentence and it makes him angry that I suggest he is being like that. I said that I wasn’t, absolutely not (even though he is and has done so many things that could carry a prison sentence) and that I was sorry for reacting. I sent him a text saying sorry and that I loved him but he stonewalled me until I said i was going out on lunch for him to call if he wanted to but then he replied 40min later saying bluntly that he couldn’t. I then asked when I was on my way home if he wanted me to pick up anything for dinner and he replied saying he was out… he didn’t say he was going out so it was obviously just to try and wind me up or something? i dont know. He then came back in the flat when I was there and he went to the loo and tried to go back out again but I asked if he had 2mins to talk as I hadn’t spoken to him all day… then accused ME of being controlling saying how I’m telling him he can’t go out? Never said that i just wanted to try and sort out what happened that morning? He’s now twisting everything around on me, he’s said today that he has a log of everything he can use against me to show that I’m the mental abuser and the controlling one – whereas I have nothing apart from a voice recording of him talking aggressively about his work with his Dad which just shows his aggressive mentality then a couple of mean text messages.
Today he also called me a “b*tch” and a “sl*tbag” but then said he wasn’t talking to me. He shouted and scared me to the point where I was shaking and couldn’t speak or move, then realised the time and had to start getting ready for work, so I did and he was like oh you can move now, but I said how I had to because of work then he told me how he doesn’t care about my job. Said we are broken up, wants me to leave but if I leave I have to leave the cash I owe him or he will take me to court.
When i got to work he text me saying “i’m sorry” and i said “for what” then he said for asking for a break and this whole situation we’re in….

So i already emailed the refuge and she is hopefully going to call me on my lunch break to organise a place for me to stay. I’ve got absolutely nothing with me apart from my purse, clothes i’m wearing, meds, passport! 🙁 i don’t plan on going back there tonight. I just want this to end now it’s too much. I still want my stuff though…and I’m still on the tenancy so I’m hoping I can get some help to sort that out as well… does anyone know if I will be able to go back and get the rest of my belongings?

Thanks x

[brokenputty]

I don’t see the point in her being off with me because it just makes me not want to speak to her, which in turn makes me isolated!
She’s been in a situation like mine before and took her a very long time to leave so surely she can’t be so judgey?

[brokenputty]

Hi ladies.
Thanks all so much for your comments.
I’m still at home with him. On (detail removed by moderator) he told me that he thought I was being distant and I said “yeah because I’m hurting” and he was all like “what why” and I said how his words hurt me so much and I never expected the person who’s supposed to love me to say those things or make me feel scared. He apologised profusely and said how he never wants to hurt me blah blah. I don’t really believe it.
He’s in the ‘honeymoon’ period of the cycle of abuse so we’ll see how long it lasts. This is the final straw and I can feel it. I feel stronger than I did before and the next time it all kicks off (cos it will) I will be leaving. I’m going to start condensing down my things so I don’t have loads of crap hanging round the place so that it makes it easier if I do have to leave stuff behind if I go.

I’ve been in contact with my local refuge and they’ve said they can support me in anyway they can, I can call them even on the day when it happens and they’d do their best to find me a spot. So I’m really glad I have that to fall back on.

The other problem I have is that my sister is being really off with me because I haven’t left him yet. I find it hard to deal with, I’m not doing it to hurt her and I know she’s worried, but I need to do what is right for me and see things through. 🙁

[brokenputty]

Hi SFA, I have read your story and I’m so glad you’re now at safety.

I would assume it’s a very unsettling time, I may well be in the same situation soon – if the refuge/WA get back to me to help plan a route out.

Are you supposed to get on the housing register straight away once you’re in a refuge? I’ve read conflicting stuff online. It seems to me that DV escapees aren’t as much of a priority to be housed as I thought.

Please don’t regret leaving, you are in the best place and you’ll have a home again one day x

[brokenputty]

Hi enofadov,
I have told my boss at work what is going on purely because one day I was sat holding tears back, couldn’t concentrate on anything so I had to say something as she was probing. I feel much better now that she knows and she’s been really supportive. I would definitely tell someone at work whats going on, if not your boss then someone you can trust. They have a duty of care so if anything were to happen or if you needed time off to sort things then they should be accommodating. Your safety is paramount.

Just seen you have got an appt with solicitor that’s fab, well done you for taking those steps.

He sounds (detail removed by Moderator), the bank account thing is so worrying. Just make sure you’ve got your own money to one side!

I keep trying to put money away but then I have to pay for something out of guilt (that he makes me feel) then I’m back to square one. x

[brokenputty]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s not only financial abuse but severe controlling behaviour. I can only assume you are from abroad and not the UK from the dollar sign.

This is NOT ok. If you marry this man, it will be a big mistake. He sounds like my ex and it was a miserable life. I’m with another one similar now that I’m trying to leave (I must attract them?) and it really is just awful. I used to love make up and now I have to buy anything in secret when I’m at work (cheap stuff from drugstore, only when I’ve run out) and never let him catch a glimpse of anything new. It’s pretty much my only hobby and I’ve been robbed of it, all because he claims my money is his money because he paid for deposit on our flat and a months rent when I was between jobs.

I tried joining a cheap gym and I got accused of making decisions without him and i’m a horrible person for that. Even though I mentioned i was going to join and my work will pay for it anyway. I have already cancelled it, I didn’t go once 🙁 I also would have liked to do some dance classes for fitness but that would be a drama too no doubt.

I get ‘charged’ too much rent, I earn a lot less than my partner but I’m still paying half. It’s crippling for me and he knows it. He buys outrageously expensive gadgets for himself and the home and claims they are for ‘us’ but never actually shares with me. I feel like a poor person because of him!

I’m obviously going to say leave as that’s the advice I’d give to myself… it won’t change… he sounds just awful.

[brokenputty]

Yes, it really is rape. If you categorically said no, not even that, you didn’t consent in any way – then it’s rape.

Don’t ever doubt yourself and don’t stand for a controlling husband! That’s not love! I’ve learnt this myself unfortunately.

I hope you have a good support system around you – this won’t stop until you make it stop and you can only do that by leaving.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I really am 🙁 xx

[brokenputty]

Sorry just realised I hit reply to one person up there but this was to all of you that commented —-

Thanks all for your comments. I can really relate to all your experiences too.

(Detail removed by moderator) I just don’t believe it. Fine for him to go but I just would rather he not cheat on me if that’s what the plan is. Who cares anyway, would give me more ammo to really leave as I’m finding it difficult right now. He’s being nice to me and sadly I do feel like I still love him, it gets me in the stomach… you know?!

I will take the advice and pack a small suitcase of stuff and keep it where it normally is, makes it not suspicious but I may go ahead and buy spares of necessities and put it all in there.

I won’t worry too much about the tenancy until I’m out, then I can hopefully as you say have some support to get off of it and work with the landlord.

I do have friends and family where I used to live but it’s not close enough for my commute to work – would make it very expensive for me. I do have someone in the area but there isn’t any room for me 🙁 so it would have to be a refuge or emergency housing until I could find my own place. If I could be on the housing register that would be even better so if I was lucky enough to get someone permanent it’s really somewhere to call home and I can rebuild from there.

Well done for all being strong ladies, whether you’re still in it or not. It takes soooo much strength to just function I’m always exhausted by the end of the day.

I’m calling Womens Aid this evening whilst I’m still in the office and will try to put together some kind of escape plan.

[brokenputty]

Anyone there? 🙁

[brokenputty]

You just have to remember that this isn’t love, he does not love you, abusers are not capable of love. Neither are (detail removed by moderator), both have traits which my partner is a deadringer for. It’s very scary how they can turn it on and off. They love for their own gain. If love means a home, they can love. If love means financial stability, they can love. If love means actually loving their partner without limits and being emotionally supportive, then thats where they don’t/can’t love. It doesn’t deserve sympathy – it deserves getting as far away as you can from them!

You can probably tell I’ve done more than enough reading on the internet. The reading won’t stop the abuse though. Only you can stop it, you have to break the cycle and get out. I need to take my own advice but I know, it’s incredibly hard.

He doesn’t deserve your love, no matter how hard he cries or how much he begs or gets on his knees, it means nothing!

Keep your strength up xxx

[brokenputty]

I’m so sorry to read this 🙁 I’m trapped in my situation right now and seeking advice too but as the house is in your name you should be able to get rid of him fairly simply.
Totally get you giving him another chance, I would have done too. They are brilliant actors.

Now that they’ve got a lot of this on record, I’d hope it would be relatively simple to change the locks, call the police if he tries getting in and if he just wants his stuff back, then maybe an officer can be present whilst he gets his stuff.

I don’t know the ins and outs of what can/can’t be done but from one survivor (so far) to another, I wish you all the best and I hope you can get rid of this horrible person from your life! x

[brokenputty]

Hi @Iwon, thank you for commenting.
I’m glad what I’m feeling is normal, a lot of people are telling me “don’t feel like that” etc and don’t beat yourself up, but how can I not? For the last year and my previous (detail removed by moderator) year relationship I’ve been conditioned into believing everything is my fault and trying to justify their behaviour. It’s so hard. I kept waking up last night cos I kept having nightmares about what happened, I had that sense of relief when I woke up thinking it was just a nightmare, then crushed with the reality that this is real! I’m so against domestic abuse and violence, when I see it elsewhere, yet I couldn’t manage to get myself out without police intervention, it sucks how weak I became.

I know, in a way I’m glad I did have the abortion otherwise I’d be tied to him for life, he would take me to court for access and my life would be hell, my poor child would then have to deal with his crap as well. I don’t have any kids no.

He has not tried to contact me, I assume because the police said to leave it for a bit and reconnect when things have calmed down, but I’m scared for him to contact in case he starts trying to worm his way back in and I’m so weak it will be so hard to ignore that and then eventually “hurt” him saying that the relationship is well & truly over. Surely he can’t think I’d stay with what he’s said and done? I just don’t want to deal with anymore, it’s horrid.
x

[brokenputty]

Thanks all for your comments. I can really relate to all your experiences too.

(Detail removed by moderator).  I just don’t believe it. Fine for him to go but I just would rather he not cheat on me if that’s what the plan is. Who cares anyway, would give me more ammo to really leave as I’m finding it difficult right now. He’s being nice to me and sadly I do feel like I still love him, it gets me in the stomach… you know?!

I will take the advice and pack a small suitcase of stuff and keep it where it normally is, makes it not suspicious but I may go ahead and buy spares of necessities and put it all in there.

I won’t worry too much about the tenancy until I’m out, then I can hopefully as you say have some support to get off of it and work with the landlord.

I do have friends and family where I used to live but it’s not close enough for my commute to work – would make it very expensive for me. I do have someone in the area but there isn’t any room for me 🙁 so it would have to be a refuge or emergency housing until I could find my own place. If I could be on the housing register that would be even better so if I was lucky enough to get someone permanent it’s really somewhere to call home and I can rebuild from there.

Well done for all being strong ladies, whether you’re still in it or not. It takes soooo much strength to just function I’m always exhausted by the end of the day.

I’m calling Womens Aid this evening whilst I’m still in the office and will try to put together some kind of escape plan.

[Author]

Posts