ChangeOfPlan

[ChangeOfPlan]

LottieBlue, I don’t know what I can say to make you feel better, but I can totally relate especially about him talking to friends and telling everyone you left with no explanation. Sane thing here. They make themselves the victim and everyone takes pity on them, while we have been destroyed psychologically and had to give up everything. I also feel the same thing of struggling to get out of bed each morning. We didn’t deserve this.

All I can say is, you are a wonderful and kind person. Your helpful support and words on here have helped me and many others so much. You are appreciated, understood and cared about and you deserve to have peace and happiness in your life. I think we have only ended up like this by being too kind, too forgiving for too long at our own expense. We will get ourselves back. xx

[ChangeOfPlan]

Thank you so much ladies – this is all really helpful!! I think it’s true that we do behave differently and not like ourselves because we are driven to it, and then of course we feel guilty, because we are kind and caring people. It is especially difficult when everyone else only gets to see the kind and good side of our partner and they ask us if we are sure we can’t work things out between us. It sounds like most of question ourselves and our perception of what happened to us and I guess that is all part of this process and because of how we’ve been talked to/brainwashed. I think that is right, that I have to focus on how the relationship was making me feel, and that it wasn’t healthy for me, when the doubts start to creep in. In the end it wasn’t healthy for either of us and maybe it doesn’t really matter what part we each had in it. It wasn’t working…

Thanks for all the support, wishing you all strength and hopefully an ok day!

[ChangeOfPlan]

Hi Bambe, I am so glad to hear you have support from your family at this time, especially as it can be really hard to see friends at the moment with covid. It can also be very difficult to explain to friends about the seriousness of the situation, with it being a general pattern of behaviour from him. I kept finding that if I just told a friend one or 2 things that had happened they would seem to find excuses and reasons why it could just be normal relationship stuff. I am a few months out and left in a state of mental ill health (extremely panicky and depressed) , with just a few possessions, a bag of clothes and a car (fortunately). I am gradually getting back on my feet but every day is still a struggle as the situation is still ongoing.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things and continuing to put your children first. I hope you can arrive at a place of emotional safety and find some peace and calm for yourself and the children very soon. You deserve it!

[ChangeOfPlan]

*something… not Etching…. Sorry phone typing

[ChangeOfPlan]

Hi Bambe, It is so tough as it is with young children and little sleep and I think unfortunately some men take advantage of our exhaustion in trying to convince us we are delusion, too sensitive etc. I can totally relate to things being blamed on hormones. This happened to me too. I was depressed due to relationship problems but because I had a baby recently it was diagnosed as post-natal depression. Whenever I said I was upset at so. Etching my husband did from the on, he always told me I wasn’t really upset at him, it was just my hormones, or my mental illness. Your situation sounds so similar in many ways. Stay strong. You know it’s not PND if it’s related to him and the relationship rather than general anxiety and depression related to life with the baby. Don’t let someone else define how you are feeling inside or should be feeling. Your true feelings are important and they are telling you what is good for you or not.

[ChangeOfPlan]

Thank you both for the encouragement. You are all so kind. Darcy, I will try those books. My main problem in not being able to move on is that I can’t forgive myself for my part in it all and for some reason that makes me feel that I ought to go back and work on things. He’s said he’ll forgive me everything, even this behaviour and he’s prepared to put it down to my mental illness. The problem is that he won’t accept any responsibility at all for any of our problems. I would be going back to be living my life indebted to him for having taken me back and forgiven me. Lottie, thank you for your kind support too. I will check out those groups and the podcast. Yes it’s really good to have the support of people here who can really relate to what we are feeling!

[ChangeOfPlan]

Thanks Darcy, yes I totally agree that I ignored my own inner voice and feelings for too long and eventually ended up with my body screaming at me in the form of an anxiety disorder. I guess because I’ve always felt or been told that my feelings were wrong and unjustified and out of proportion, I’ve just felt the right/moral thing to do was to try to suppress them. I also feel that because the way I behaved early in the relationship was immature and wrong (getting too upset about relationship problems and not coping), that all subsequent behaviours of his were provoked and deserved by me, so my part in the solution was to accept them as a reasonable response from him to my behaviour. My behaviour was basically getting too upset over a problem of his that he could not really help, but that affected us both. I couldn’t help getting upset and wanting to fix it, but that was really damaging to his confidence. :(. Also, most of the really bad stuff only happened after I left, so I feel I brought all that on myself. I just wish I’d picked a different person, I could have had an easier relationship with!! I’m not sure how I can ever feel better about myself as a person now. I’ve never failed this badly at something so important before 🙁

[ChangeOfPlan]

Hi Hawthorn & Darcy!

Thank you so much for your kind words, support and suggestions. I actually feel like a big weight has been lifted off me today, having had this validation from you both. Other people have suggested to me that some of his behaviours have been emotionally abusive, but I think because they were my family, I still found it hard to accept and thought maybe they were too biased in opinion, being my family. It’s also so confusing because there were a lot of nice and fun times, especially years ago and so I keep wondering whether it was really frequent or serious enough to be abusive. I know the relationship has made me ill, but I do also wonder if a lot of that comes from within me and the sort of person I am, and being too sensitive. Thank you for all those suggested resources. I am definitely going to look them up and do some reading this weekend. I hope I can get through this. I know other people and a lot of the ladies on here have been through much worse, but I feel I’m somehow not designed for this and I am not strong enough to get through it. I’m glad I have the kids to help motivate me to keep going, otherwise I don’t know where I’d end up and in what state. Thanks to your kind words and support, I had a much more positive day today! I feel slightly less crazy…

Xx

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