Cloudy

[Cloudy]

Hey Happybelle,
I was pleased to come across your thread today, I’ve been in the process of leaving my relationship over the past couple weeks and collected my things to officially move back to my family home over the weekend. I also feel like my memory of what happened is fading, to the point where I’ve taken a lot of the blame for the ending of our relationship during our final conversation. I also think it’s down to finally feeling safe and out of that survival mode, I feel like I just need rest (both my mind and body). Also due to remaining practical and planning ahead, occupying our minds rather than letting them drift to that place where we felt constantly on edge with our nervous systems heightened.
Another thing I’ve been struggling with is that I’m being impatient and want everything to move so fast, like I’m annoyed that I don’t have any savings built up and am instead paying off debts due to the financial control in the relationship. I have a plan for saving, but just want it to happen right now, even though I know realistically it’s going to take some months.
My friend reminded me to be kind to myself and take each day as it comes – every day will be different, and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to feel one particular way.
Take care xx

[Cloudy]

Thank you so much everyone for your encouragement, I really needed this.
I will be coming back to this post and re-reading the messages over these next few weeks, trying not to lose momentum or lose sight of where I want to be.
Shaking off the guilt is by far the hardest part, but I just need to keep pushing forward.
Take care xx

[Cloudy]

This is very similar to what I’ve been going through for the past few years – getting blamed for everything that’s going wrong and being called the abuser. I used to get extremely upset about this, and it is still messing with my head now. Unfortunately I’m still in the relationship, he is not being as blatant as he used to be, but still makes under-handed comments and digs of this nature. I seem to have found a way to shut off my emotions and not react, probably not very healthy, but it’s helping me in the short term.

Now you’re aware he’s doing this and that it actually IS NOT your fault, I hope you (as I am) are on the road to getting out of this abusive relationship.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s so so awful, stay strong and try your best to focus on getting out xx

[Cloudy]

I wanted to post here again, just re-reading to remind myself of everything that has happened.

It’s been a weird couple of months, as he is still being fairly ‘nice’, which is so confusing. He hasn’t been physical with me for a long time now, and it makes me wonder if he genuinely has changed. I am also seeing my family and friends a lot more now and have started back with some of my hobbies, although he does make under-handed comments and digs about this sometimes.

He does still keep bringing everything up – ‘am I a good person?’, ‘remember both of us made mistakes’, ‘you need to put more effort in now’, ‘you need to be more grateful for me’.

He also keeps saying how I need to put his career first now, as mine has taken the forefront the past few years.. he hasn’t been working for a few years and I am grateful to be doing very well in my career, and he wants to take credit for this (as he has pushed me to make more money). I am also travelling for work soon, he hates me being away.

I still keep second-guessing if I’ve made too much of a big deal out of everything (I’m now in touch with my local DA service and have a safety app on my phone). If he has actually changed, do I still have the right to want to leave? I don’t know why I struggle so much with this – the guilt. I wish I had the courage to tell him properly that I think he’s been abusive, I just feel I’m playing a role at the moment and pretending all the time, it’s exhausting.

[Cloudy]

Hi nbumblebee,
Your situation mirrors mine exactly from a few months back. Unfortunately I let him talk me round, and still now keep going back and forth about whether I’ve taken this all too far and actually we’re both just toxic. However, I wrote a list a while ago about things he’s done to me, and I keep going back to it every now and again in order to not let myself forget.. it is abuse I’ve been experiencing! It’s really helped me, as many women on this forum say, the gaslighting makes you so confused about true and false.
He too asked if I think he’s abused me, and I also said no out of fear. I’ve ended up stuck here and regret so much not following through with my plans to leave.
Please keep going, I’ve read some of your other posts too, you’re doing the right thing!xx

[Cloudy]

Hi nbumblebee,
I resonate so much with what you’re going through at the moment – I too tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) months ago and have stayed for so long due to him saying it’s all been down to his mental health. It’s difficult to take a step back and realise it may be a tactic they’re using to keep us here. I’ve realised even if he is struggling with his mental health, it’s still not okay for him to have treated me the way he has (and the same goes for you)!
Thinking of you, stay safe xx

[Cloudy]

I feel a little overwhelmed by all of your quick replies, thank you for taking the time!

Everything you’ve said is what I’ve had in the back of my head, but like you said, an abusive relationship is so confusing. I did reach out to my local DA service and had an initial call with my key worker last week, I hope to meet her in person next week. I hope this will give me the encouragement I need to take the next steps.

I find myself constantly daydreaming about my life if I wasn’t with him, but it’s still so hard and makes me feel so guilty, especially when he is being nice like this. But you’re right when you say if the trust is gone, it’s gone.

[Cloudy]

I really resonate with your post, this is something I’ve also been struggling with massively too. I also feel almost ready to leave, but finding it hard due to the feelings of guilt and like I’ve caused the things that have happened.
Trust your instinct, nobody should react the way he does and you shouldn’t feel scared to do something wrong.
Hope you’re okay xxx

[Cloudy]

Thank you everyone for your advice, it’s so kind of you to take the time.

It’s good to know I’m not alone, I have now reached out to my local DA centre and awaiting there reply, I hope it helps me with next steps.

Thank you and take care xxx

[Cloudy]

I think I’m on Month (removed by moderator) at this point (although still getting the digs and calculated conversations), definitely never lasted this long before and definitely still don’t trust that he has changed. I have also never confronted him or said I was leaving before.
My support worker said we’ve been going around more of an abuse triangle (calm-tension-abuse) previously, skipping the ‘honeymoon’ phase, and maybe me confronting him as sent us into that ‘honeymoon’ phase as he’s scared he’s losing control and is changing tactics until he feels he has the control again xxx

[Cloudy]

It still shocks me reading these messages, how similar these men all are. Like I’ve said before nbumblebee, I feel like we’re in a very similar situation right now.
I also feel so angry that he’s been nice for a few months now, but there are still the moments where the facade seems to fall.
Definitely take time to prioritise yourself whilst things are calm, that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do! I unfortunately never kept a journal like other ladies on here have, but I have written out a list of things he’s done which I refer back to every so often to remind me of what he’s like. Also speaking with my local DA service has helped me so much. Personally, I don’t feel I will ever be able to trust him again, even if he genuinely has changed.
The decision has to be your own, but main thing is that you need to prioritise your own happiness! xx

[Cloudy]

My partner also says the reason he treats me a certain way is because of mistakes I’ve made in the past. For years I believed this and believed it was all my fault, but after speaking now with multiple people about the ‘mistakes’ I made, they aren’t even really mistakes. And it gives him no right to treat me the way he has. In a normal relationship, they wouldn’t use something against you for so long, and it should never ever give anyone the right to lay their hands on you (or abuse you in any other sense).
Take care xxx

[Cloudy]

I feel like we’re definitely going through a very similar experience right now, although it’s something I’ve been seriously struggling with too, it’s definitely not your fault! Nothing justifies someone treating us in such a way (I wish I had the guts to actually take this statement forward and leave).

I hope for both of us that we can continue on this journey and eventually do what we know is right, because above all else, we need to make ourselves happy. We only have one life, and we are the only ones in control of it, we should live it the way we choose to.

Thank you and take care xxx

[Cloudy]

Your message has really just hit me – you’re so right that many people leave simply because they are unhappy. I know that people who’ve been mistreated in a relationship find it much harder to leave, but I don’t know why we need any more validation than just being unhappy?

I’m so sorry for what you had to go through, it sounds very similar to my experience, but I am so happy to hear you were able to leave and everything has been better for you on the other side. Thank you for sharing this, it’s very inspiring that I could do the same.

You’re so right about the feeling of walking on eggshells constantly, it’s how I feel even when he’s being nice, just in case I say or do the wrong thing.. that’s no way to live!

Thank you x

[Cloudy]

Thank you Butterfly-A!

I feel like I’ve had a bit of an epiphany the past couple weeks, after years of pretending it’s not actually happening to me, and shrinking more and more into myself. It’s a relief (although extremely scary) to put it all down in words and finally feel like I aren’t alone, I do have support around me.

I guess next steps are continuing to come to terms with it and figuring out how to actually leave. It’s just so daunting, but I don’t want to live my life being controlled for any longer!

Thank you again xx

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