CoopCloud

[CoopCloud]

It’s not you. Abusers have a cycle. Mine goes,

Angry > Love Bombing > Ignoring > Victim > Repeat.

So for example

I had the audacity to go out and see friends. This would lead to,

Angry: Slamming cupboards, raised voices [not always shouting, but very angry sounding], bullying, intimidation [pushing me out the way, telling me I can’t leave, no one will believe me], leaving for work early and coming back late and then being angry I wasn’t staying up until 2am and “spending time” with him,

Love bombing: Talking me out of leaving, telling me we are a family, telling me I’m the problem and need help, that he “cares” about me; bare minimum to show he cares e.g. buys me a packet of crisps I like, texting me that I need to “say sorry” and “you need to say thank you” for him buying crisps/being inconvenient, using sex. In extreme circumstances he’d actually tell me he “loves” me. That’s maybe once a year when I would have bags packed to leave.

Ignoring: Pretending I don’t exist. Cold shoulder. Grunting. Taking over anything I’m doing e.g. hoovering, but not speaking to me and pushing me out the way. I literally do not exist during this time.

Victim: Starts “flinching” when I’m speaking to him normally. Pretends I’ve hit him – this one is incredibly stressful, I’d be making tea or trying to get my tea cup and he would dramatically jump, “sorry, sorry, sorry”. Mind I’ve never hit him, slapped him, nothing, ever. He will tell me how he’s depressed because of me, he has self-harmed in retaliation before [scratches]. Pretends to cry – no actual tears, but it will get my attention as I’ll be worried and go check on him.

And when that doesn’t work, it’s back to angry. In between, it’s like you said, glaring, uncomfortable, snide comments. It leaves you feeling a mess and that you’re the problem – you’re not.

I personally don’t believe many mental health workers are capable of supporting this, because in these cases the negative mental health is a symptom, not the cause. And it’s all good and well telling people to have a “stiff upper lip”, but it doesn’t work that way.

There are services you can speak to, such as SHOUT and Samaritans, or crisis mental health help lines.

When those don’t work, I remind myself I don’t want to leave our children with him. That they can’t protect themselves from him; and maybe I can’t protect them either but I won’t leave them.

Regardless of your relationship with your babies, just remember they need you. I’m not amicable [not really] with my mum but she has helped me in crisis and she helped me get away, in the end. She wasn’t supportive, but she did something – which is more than I got from others. Be there for your babies 💚 one day they’ll need you, and no one else is going to hear them like you will.

I promise you it’s not your fault.

[CoopCloud]

Does it ever stop?

My kids dad, it’s just ongoing… When we lived together, it got to the point I believed I was mentally ill because he told me daily that I was.. but then I went to therapy etc. Since I left though, he hasn’t stopped. If anything, he’s worse

(detail removed by moderator)
he’s lied to benefits and claimed he has the kids more than me; got told by social worker he’s entitled to the benefits even though he earns so much more
• Messages saying he’s spoken to the school, social worker, no one will believe me and to not expect help anymore – constant negative, belittle, berating messages. Some are implied threats, police said it’s not enough to help me.
• Told me not to call police/use a solicitor, “will you call the national guard, next?”
• Kept my belongings (detail removed by moderator)
• Got me beaten up by his friends but it’s “not his fault” according to social workers.. never got beaten up before I left him; before it was just harassment/threats.
• Uses the kids; tells the kids lies to tell me and then I get in trouble with the school etc because I believed the kids
• Kids told me concerning things, reported to social worker and they took months to investigate so he groomed the kids and now the kids call me a liar
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• Messages me fabricated events
• Accuses me of abusing him, then tells me I’m not co-parenting if I don’t do what he wants; tells me I’m the problem and how he’s been trying so hard etc… but then makes up stories all the time and I’m terrified of him

Idk… Most of my stuff is him messing with me mentally/emotionally/financially… I just want him to go away. He uses the kids, too. Sends them back with messages to “tell mummy” and then the kids will later say “daddy says you’re lying” etc… and I asked for help and the social worker says I’m the problem and need to co-parent with him and do as he says… And no one believes me. I know his mum’s helping (detail removed by moderator) Idk. My life is a mess and in ruins and our poor kids suffer and I can’t help them because no one believes me.

(detail removed by moderator) school now think I’m just placing blame… But they don’t understand he lies to the kids, too, to manipulate. And I always believe our children; someone has to…

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He’s got everyone convinced I’m crazy and it’s not even been a year but it’s worse then when we lived together. The only difference now is there’s no SA… idk

[CoopCloud]

💚 I promise you, you’re not a burden. Life is hard. It’s unfair and difficult and sometimes it’s like we’re wearing blinkers and we can’t see.

What’s happened? Rant away.. even if you think it sounds bananas; we’ll believe you.

[Author]

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