Elderberry

[Elderberry]

Hi. I just wanted to reach out too. I’ve been in a long marriage and have children as well. I’ve realised that the relationship is abusive after talking to a counsellor. I thought it was something that had started recently but looking back now it isn’t. I had the same response from friends and family who have said they have always seen this but never wanted to say anything to me. I’ve had the same cycle of my husband of being really nice and then the criticism and name calling etc starts again. It is really exhausting. I can’t quite believe it’s happening either.

Stay strong, there is a way out. Recognising that the relationship is abusive is the start of it.xx

[Elderberry]

Hi Learningtobloom,

Thank you for posting this. I recognise the symptoms that you and Eyesopening have listed and it has made me realise where I am at the moment. I keep thinking this is me just being over sensitive and over reacting but I have dreams about it and have a physical reaction now when arguments start. I start to feel sick, heart racing. I have the same issues with feeling like I’ve made it all up as well.

I’m the same in that the abuse has been emotional but I’ve just put it down to the quirks of my husband and tried to understand it but I think it has damaged me. My daughter has been subjected to it to. She struggles to control her emotions and can lash out quickly. My husband then blames her and says she’s not nice to him. It’s a vicious circle.

I’m still in the relationship. We’ve been together for a long time. It’s up and down all the time. Going from one extreme to the other with him being really nice and trying then turning on us but I worry that I am causing the problems now because I feel like this and feel quite distant.

Thank you again for posting. You’ve really made me think about this.

[Elderberry]

I can relate to your anxiety completely. The cycle of being nice and then things turning bad again doesn’t help. I have that. It makes me question myself and whether it’s my fault because of how I’m behaving or something I haven’t done right. I know it’s not but it doesn’t stop me questioning myself and that has affected my confidence in other parts of my life like friends and work.

It’s hard when you have been in a relationship for a long time and there have been good times as well as the bad to accept that the behaviour is abuse. I understand that.

[Elderberry]

Thanks for your replies. They’re really helpful. I do question myself over everything. I don’t understand either how if you love your wife and children you are able to behave like this. I feel quite angry about it all but I’m also feeling guilty because I question if I’m not trying in the relationship now and that’s the problem. I’m finding it very hard though because of what has/is going on and the anxiety I’ve got now. Talking to a counsellor has opened my eyes as well. We’ve discussed abuse but it’s still really difficult to process that it’s happening especially after being together for so long.

[Elderberry]

I understand completely. It’s exhausting. I know it’s not how a good relationship should be and we shouldn’t be feeling like this.

[Elderberry]

Hi Bananaboat. You are exactly right. It’s just more abusive behaviour. It’s exhausting and wears you down. I’m slowly getting to the point where I can say this isn’t acceptable and start to think about myself. I hope you are doing the same because this type of behaviour isn’t acceptable.

[Elderberry]

Thank you. You too x

[Author]

Posts