Fl0w3r

[Fl0w3r]

I love a good comedy film to cheer me up. Anything with Simon Pegg – Sean of the Dead, Paul, Hot Fuzz. Total silly escapism for a while.

Saw this joke on Facebook earlier too:

I accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble tiles….

My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.

Sorry! 😀

[Fl0w3r]

Hi Buddy, I can understand where you’re coming from. Being ignored sounds trivial but it isn’t. I am getting the silent treatment right now. Because he asked me a question earlier and then proceeded to continue talking before I had the opportunity to respond. I called him out and said(removed by moderator) His response was (removed by moderator) This said in a tone of voice very calm and non aggressive with the kids in the room. So if challenged I’m sure he’d say it was ‘just a joke’. But I felt the meaning. And since then he will not look at me and when I started a mundane groceries conversation after the kids were in bed, he walked out of the room in silence as I was speaking.

I find myself torn between anger and as you say a queasy feeling. I feel like the relationship is over and he knows it too but neither of us have vocalised that. I am hoping to get some legal advice so I know where I stand and a call back from WA too hopefully. Stay strong x

[Fl0w3r]

Hi Mama2020, I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. It must be very hard to see your options but I think there will be some good advice from people on here. I’m quite new to all this so I’m not sure I’ll be much help, sorry. This is a safe place to share how you’re feeling and you will find support and willing listeners so keep talking! Xxx

[Fl0w3r]

Well done!

I plucked up the courage to call at the weekend but lines were busy. I’ve filled in the form for a callback. Have you now got a single point of contact for support through this?

[Fl0w3r]

Gosh, reading all these latest replies is tough. We are all struggling. Sending love and strength to you all.

WeepingWillow I hope you’re having a better day today. Broken washing machines are a massive drag!

I think as much as I don’t want the upheaval and upset of a separation for the children. I am trying to think about how much better life would be for them if they didn’t have the negativity and belittling and ridicule that comes with the love of their dad.

I have to say that having read the Lundy Bancroft book I am much more aware of his behaviours and am not led into that cycle of it being twisted round to defending myself. (detail removed by Moderator) I spoke to my husband about how unhappy I am about things and that they need to change. His reply was to say they won’t change, so I asked if he was then happy to carry on as we are. He doesn’t seem happy generally. He said he most certainly was not happy so I asked him why? What is it that makes him so unhappy? He said that there was no point telling me that because I don’t listen to him and I don’t care. I replied that I do, I’m listening now. He said maybe I will tell you some time. I asked when. He said sometime. I said so I have to wait indefinitely for you to have this conversation? He said yes. I said you think that is fair and reasonable? He said yes. I said ok. And we went to bed.

I know I stayed calm although he said I was rude and I you used the F word. I told him I definitely did not and asked him if that was really something he was bothered about? Also how can saying that I think your behaviour is unacceptable be rude? He said totally unacceptable is what you said. I acknowledged that was probably the case but still don’t see how it is any anyway rude?!

And I know why he would not tell me what he is unhappy about. It’s because it put me on the hook for the blame without any chance of defending myself.

Well I’m not standing for it. I have decided I will be perfectly civil and pleasant but I will call him out on his behaviour and I will investigate my position when it comes to the finances and legal stuff.

Stay strong ladies, we can do this. I’m sure there are bad days ahead but we all deserve to be treated better than we are. X

[Fl0w3r]

Thanks headspinning. I think I will be ok financially but I do need to know where I stand with the house (joint mortgage) and legally what my options are. I would like him to be the one to leave but I can’t see that being easy to convince. He isn’t violent (so far) and I feel like I would prefer to have the calm conversation first and see how it goes. Part of thinks I’m building this up into more of a drama than it needs to be. But then I think am I just being naive?

[Fl0w3r]

Wants To Help
Thank you for sharing that. You are right. I worry about uprooting the children. But I mustn’t ignore the need for change and action.

[Fl0w3r]

WeepingWillow, stay strong. Good luck x

[Fl0w3r]

Thanks both. Braelynn, yes I think legal advice is the next step so I can find out exactly where I stand. And WeepingWillow, when I read your post on swearing I could have been reading about my OH. We seem to be in a very similar place right now. Mine is not flirting as far as I know in fact he does very little socially which has been one of the issues. I don’t even bother asking him anymore when I’m going out with the boys for the day.

I have moments where I feel 100% committed to separating and then sometimes the practicalities start to cloud over me. If we have to sell the house I couldn’t afford to buy around here. The kids might have to change schools we may have to move to another more affordable town. Somehow I can’t see him being all fair and reasonable and putting the boys first. Then I think how will I tell everyone including the kids and my resolve weakens and I’m not sure whether I can do that to my boys. Then I come straight back to we all deserve better. We went to the shops in a nearby village today just to get out and I said should we look for a present for their dad for Father’s Day. My youngest said ‘Let’s get him what he gets you for your birthday – nothing!’. They are taking it all in and noticing.

I feel like a single parent most of the time so I may as well be one. It’s such a rollercoaster. It’s nice to find people who understand how complicated all this is. You sort of want support in that you’re not imagining this. You are behaving rationally and it’s him that is in the wrong but without the ‘well I wouldn’t put up with that’ judgement.

[Fl0w3r]

Weepingwillow, this really resonated with me. My OH says if he swears at the kids it’s because ‘they need to learn’. At me it’s because I’ve made him angry and isn’t it better than him properly losing his temper and hitting someone! Now that I write that down I realise what an awful thing it is to say. Like we should be grateful he’s ONLY swearing at us. This week my eldest son told his dad not to swear (he was getting frustrated while playing a video game online). It comes to something when the children are calling out their parent for their language. Trouble is I can’t see how he will ever change and he doesn’t seem to recognise that his behaviour is unreasonable. And I wonder how I have ended up in this situation. It must have happened so gradually I didn’t notice because I’m sure I wouldn’t have put up with this from day 1!

[Fl0w3r]

Thanks @diymum. It does. The kids hate it when he shouts and swears like that. The youngest in particular gets upset. Then I feel I’m having to shrug it off and not be upset while still making the point that it’s unacceptable to talk to people that way, and not annoy him more and add fuel to the flames so to speak. Exhausted.

[Fl0w3r]

Yes, it’s difficult to weigh up what’s more important. If it comes to it I guess I would have to leave and sort it out legally but I’d like to exhaust the alternatives for staying put first.

[Fl0w3r]

WeepingWillow. Same, it doesn’t seem fair that we are the ones to have the hassle and upheaval of leaving when they are they issue and we pay the bills. I guess that’s the next job on the list. To see if I can make leave .

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