Forus l

[Forus l]

I can relate to this. My ex would berate me for wearing make up by saying I was going to sleep with someone (it was less polite). If I wore a dress or skirt it was the same. Even a nice jumper. In the end I wore baggy jeans and fleeces today stop the insults. I didn’t even feel like a woman or a human being anymore. It’s dehumanising.

It takes time to recover. It really does. No one really understands the after affects of an abusive relationship unless someone has experienced it.

So, can I just say a few things to you.

You’ve been conditioned to feel unworthy. Un loved. Un valued.

You know the hardest thing in our society at this point in time is how much pressure there is on women to be attractive. To be perfect. To be successful.

You don’t have to make up positive phrases about that feel inauthentic to try and feel good.

Feeling better starts with accepting yourself. Accepting every part of yourself. We all have our perfections, scars and flaws which makes us unique and beautiful.

How would you talk to a friend who felt low? Who felt unworthy? Who didn’t value how precious they are to those around them?

You are worthy, you are worthy of your own love, time and affection.

Don’t look outside of yourself to feel accepted by others. The only approval you need is your own.

Sometimes we have to be our own best friend, talk to ourselves with a kind voice. When we start slowly accepting the things we don’t like about ourselves it transforms how we feel.

Women who have been in abusive relationships have an inner core of pure titanium. To endure the hardships we’ve had to go through and to come out the other side already shows great resilience and strength. Never doubt it.

You’re gonna be ok. You’re already finding your way through this. And you should love yourself for the incredible woman that you are.

[Forus l]

These types of men know exactly how to target our deepest vulnerabilities. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

I hope you’re ok. I have no experience with eating disorders so I can’t advise you in this respect. I will say I hope you’re managing ok today.

There’s a great little app called “Meetup”. It’s like a community where you can look through different interests and meet up with people with similar interests. For me it’s walking and being in nature. I’m rural too, so I dedicate one day a month to this. It’s been really helpful to me as it gets me out and meeting new people.

There’s also women only groups, which is all I’m ready for right now and it’s very powerful… sisterhood.

Big hugs to you x

[Forus l]

There’s nothing to fix. You are perfect as you are.

Your self esteem is low and you have anxiety due to the bad experiences you’ve had, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. From what I’ve read, you love your child and you’re a great mum – because you’re already thinking about how things may affect your little one. Your child will be just fine with someone who is so considerate and caring. Remember us mums don’t always get everything right, what matters is we have the best interests of our children at heart.

And I know lots of mums who have raised children on their own, there’s no rush to find a father figure. Mums are quite capable of being both parents, women are amazing like that.

One thing I learned after staying in an abusive marriage (I stayed for so long as I desperately wanted to be a “family”). The thing I learned is that me and my kids were more of a family together, without a toxic “father figure” in it. We are so happy now, there’s literally no arguments, we laugh so much together. Sometimes the house is messy because we’ve been enjoying being with each other. I could never have imagined this two years ago when we were being constantly put down, shouted at, threatened etc.

A family is what you make it and it doesn’t need two parents if one of them makes everyone unhappy.

My ex slept with three other women when he was married to me. My trust was completely shattered. But you know what, that speaks volumes about him and not about me. The same goes for you.

You have integrity. You have values and you deserve someone who loves you for who you are. But until you start recognising your own value and putting boundaries in, men like that will be drawn in.

The good news is, you’ll be able to spot these men very quickly now. Always trust your gut.

Now, for you. Start connecting with friends again, who are you? What do you enjoy? Find the things that make you happy and whole again. You deserve happiness and once you have connected with yourself again, all the other stuff will fall into place.

Big hugs to you.

[Forus l]

I wouldn’t push yourself to start dating again. It will happen when you feel ready.

At the moment you’re still dealing with the trauma and it takes time to heal.

Be kind to yourself. Talking to friends that understand or have experienced an abusive relationship may help you. I spoke to my cousin who had a similar experience to me and it greatly helped.. I tried talking to other friends who had never experienced something like this so it was hard for them to relate to it and it was very alien to them so finding someone who understands what you’re going through is important.

Do you have any friends your still in touch with? Have you been able to access any services for talking therapies?

Big hugs to you. X

[Forus l]

Well done to you.

X

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