Goldengirl

[Goldengirl]

Hi, lovely lady. Forgot to say you don’t have to answer the phone allocated to him either. That’s what the red phone button is for and then just switch it off.

[Goldengirl]

Hi, lovely lady. You have come a long way and are doing so well. Unfortunately, abusers don’t like to lose control over their target and he is showing all the signs that he knows he can’t call the shots anymore. He can rant and rave and say what he likes – just block him from everything except one avenue, a text for instance. State your terms and stick to them. Have you thought about buying a pay as you go cheap phone? It would just be for his contact. State he is to text only if necessary. That way, in between visits you can switch the phone off. It will also act as a point of evidence of any continued abuse. Don’t react to any nastiness, other than to say it’s not appropriate or wanted.
As for positive stories, I am a few years out of a very long relationship and we have children. Yes, it does get so much better. Unfortunately, you have to debrief like a soldier back from war first. You have to learn you are right to do things your way and that you don’t have to do anything they want you to do anymore. You control your life now and he can’t use your child as a way of controlling you. Believe me, he’ll try his best. This is the hardest part. You are so used to doing things the way he wants but you don’t have to. You are doing so well and that’s why he’s upping the pressure. You are a beautiful soul and deserve to be cherished. You’ll get there and find the old you. Good luck x

[Goldengirl]

Hi, Wildstar. I echo the sentiments on here. These abusers don’t and won’t change. I waited for many, many years in the hope he would change but it just got worse and more frequent. This is the cycle of abuse common to so many of us. They push us to breaking point and then are nice and caring, to help you heal just enough so they can start all over again. After all, who wants to play with a broken toy? You become brain washed (look up gas lighting) into thinking if only. . . If only I did this, if only that. However, it doesn’t matter what you do or say, they don’t want a typical life, they want chaos and control over you. I had got to the point where, when asked by the authorities if he’d ever hit me, I replied that I didn’t know because he never used a closed fist. That was his brain washing me to believe that using the heel of his hand to hit me was not hitting me. Does this way of thinking ring a bell? Justifying his behaviour?
I only got out after discovering he had secretly started on my child. Please, don’t assume he will never do it. Don’t let that be one of your regrets. You are a beautiful soul who deserves to feel cherished EVERY day. Good luck x

[Goldengirl]

Hi, all. Thank you for your kind words. I have found starting points for him and am still hopeful he will access the uni counselling. He is reluctant as I think he wants one area of his life to be ‘untouched’. I went back to my local WA office and a lovely woman gave me good places to look too. I got upset and realised I needed help with how I was feeling about it – guilty I hadn’t protected him better etc but as you all say, I got him safe when I could and did the best at the time. Hindsight is, indeed, wonderful. Thank you, ladies.

[Goldengirl]

I should add that he has not had any contact with his father since we fled and has no interest in it. However, we still take measures to keep safe as ex found us, comes (detail removed by Moderator), disrupted our lives during crucial exams etc.

[Goldengirl]

Don’t get me wrong – it is upsetting when you get a scratch (and there was only a small scratch, no dent)on your car. It’s been done to me and I try to shrug it off and think they didn’t mean to do it. However, my door was not against his car and I had braced it to a halt. It was not a tight space. I feel like I’m justifying myself to myself to keep my sanity. This has really shaken me and I’m trying so hard not to fall apart. I have come so far and I feel like I’m clinging to a safety raft at the moment. I feel so stupid for allowing this to affect me so much. I’m sorry for posting this here as I know you all have problems much worse than me. I thought I was stronger than this.

[Goldengirl]

Hi. Big hugs to you. I’ve been where you are now. My children are now youths. What I didn’t realise until we split up was the children were not blind or immune to what was happening. I am so glad I got them out when I did. They grew to be well rounded individuals with good values and good self esteem. I too felt guilt about breaking up the family. Could I have done more? I came to realise the guilt I was feeling was not just in splitting up our family but also in the choices I had made. Over time, I have come to realise not one thing was my fault but all his. He made bad choices. He made life unbearable. He was the problem. It has taken quite a while but I feel no guilt whatsoever anymore. I am lucky in that my children were young but not little when things got bad. So, they understood better when we split up. Stick to your guns. You know what is best for your children where their father is concerned. One day you will look back and realise you were right to make certain conditions and you, too, will stop feeling guilty. You have more strength than you realise at the moment. Your name says it all. You WILL be ok.

[Goldengirl]

Thank you for allowing me to ramble. It was very liberating. I hope this helps someone to realise that they are not to blame in any way for what may have happened to them. Life takes turns we have no control over and what may seem as a convincing reason from your partner can turn from a small concession into something larger, in the blink of an eye. Don’t blame yourself. These people are very good at what they do. They are very subtle and very patient. If, on your first date, they told you they would control and abuse you, you would not only run a mile but think, “never me”. The journey to freedom is hard and long but it is not forever. Good luck to each and every one of you.

[Goldengirl]

The good. I am stronger than I knew. I know I was able to continue again and again in my life to this point, not just because I am strong, but because I am a mother. As a mother, I HAD to find the strength to keep going. I was able to be a good mother because I am stronger than I realised – the circle continues. Every time he took me to court, came into my home at night or came into my life after we left, I lost myself, panicked and became distressed, depressed almost. Every time this happened, though, my reaction became less and was less extreme and I recovered more quickly each time. Now, when I see him driving in my neighbourhood, I don’t even get a flutter, at most, I think he is a pathetic man who will never be happy. He took my confidence in my appearance. I have taken it back. I’ve started to notice a sparkle in my eye when I get ready to out (still not often but getting better). I may get lonely at times but I am never alone. I am not fat, I’m just not slim. I am not ugly. Now that I don’t have to keep my head to the ground in case he thinks I am looking at a man, I notice men eyeing ME up with interest. I am discovering that twenty something girl is still there, she is no longer hiding in fear. Unfortunately, she is now old enough to be a grandmother but, boy, what fun she is going to have. Girls, I have a wonderful home, wonderful children and a good job. I’m beautiful! I’m wonderful! I’m back!

[Goldengirl]

The good. We have grown strong. My children have a very good respect for what should be healthy in a relationship as they have seen what it shouldn’t be like. They have unlimited patience and understanding in the differences of others and what is right and wrong. They are extremely loving and loyal, not just to each other and me, but to those close to themselves. They care about things deeply. They have grown into intelligent, self assured young people. They have insecurities just like everyone else,but, none that I can see from their past. My biggest surprise with my children is that they have grown into trusting adults (obviously not towards their father). I am very proud of them all.

[Goldengirl]

The bad. He made us live a nightmare for a very long time after we left. He would come into the house at night and move things etc to continue to mess with my head. I didn’t go anywhere but work for fear of bumping into him. He lived nearby so always had a ready excuse for being where he was. It took the council a long time to give us a house a good distance away from him. He took me through the courts for any little thing and this financially crippled me. It also took its toll on my mental health. He found us after a summer of bliss, we believe, by following my youngest from school (he could not change schools). He comes into the neighbourhood (but not my Street) to remind me he is still around. We had to fight everyone to stop him getting access to my youngest, mental and financially crippling too. He still can be seen occasionally near our street.

[Goldengirl]

Hi, all. Where am I now? It’s been a few years and life is very different. I am going to say the bad before the good. Hope you don’t mind. Read my post and cried HARD. I am going to read it several times today because I feel I owe it to myself to put it in my past and to acknowledge the fault lies squarely with the twisted man I had the misfortune to meet. Yes, I truly believe it was all down to him but I need to finally and truly acknowledge it to myself. (Removed by moderator).

[Goldengirl]

Thank you all for allowing me to ramble. (Removed by moderator) I needed to go back through the journey. I am going to make myself a coffee now and read this post several times so I can try to make sense of it all. I will post an update in a short while. If you feel like replying, please wait until my story is complete, so I can let my thoughts continue to flow. Thanks, girls.

[Goldengirl]

Courts got him to leave and he can’t come near us. This does not stop him from coming in when I am sleeping and continuing his mind games. I’ve gone from one nightmare to another. We have to find somewhere safe but WA can’t help as one of my children is (removed by moderator).

[Goldengirl]

We are living out of a car, whilst the courts get him out. Hope it won’t be long. Running out of people’s sofas to sleep on.

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