IndianaEagle

[IndianaEagle]

I self referred (detail removed by moderator) for mental health issues. Got a call back from mental health services to go through a questionnaire that helps them decide what kind of help you need. Was told CBT was not right for me but counselling was as they recognised that I was at risk of emotional abuse. The counselling was through a local charity and after an appointment with them I was offered 10hours of free counselling with a view to more at either a free rate or reduced rate. I went religiously every week but felt that we never got anywhere in an hour and it was time to go home before I was ever ready to talk. No help with my partner. I finished the 10 weeks and I felt that because I hadn’t left him she was unwilling to offer any more sessions to me. I felt like a lost cause, smiled politely, left and cried in the car on the drive home. I wish I could find something to help me unpuck what is happening to me. You can’t even talk about it out in the world because other women judge you (or I have felt this). How many women are just about functioning while living through trauma in the world? What would it look like if we all got the help we deserved and it was more of a woman’s world?

[IndianaEagle]

I think this might also be me. Although I’ve alwsys struggled with weight but I’m just so tired all the time! I’ve had a week off work and done nothing really except for worry about what my OH thinks about the fact I’m doing nothing for the week! It’s like being on a hamster wheel. I feel like I must work as much as I can because it makes me feel normal when I’m at work and also the more money I earn the more comfortable I feel because it makes me feel safer. However it’s a stressful job and just being at home is stressful. Multiply this by years and years and…. well of course you would be tired wouldn’t you and if you have used all your adrenaline when you are not actually under attack and not running away from a sabre-toothed tiger then what?! We are basically killing ourselves aren’t we. My ‘three am’ head tells me that this is all there is and life can’t change so I need to find ways to be here with the material comfort and find ways to heal myself mentally and emotionally but that can’t be right can it? I’m beginning to think that my ‘3am head’ is what happens when your body is trying to make sense of what you’re constantly putting yourself through living somewhere that is totally unsafe.

[IndianaEagle]

@Kip The only issue I have is that I’m not married. There was a part of me once that was happy not to marry but now I feel like it was premeditated on his part to keep me insecure. We’ve been together decades. He does have parental responsibility for both the kids. I’m angry with myself now for doing that (although I believe the law has changed now) but it seemed like a lovely thing at the time and he made it out to be a necessity but the next thing for me would have been to get married. I’ve tried to get him to marry me since then but he refuses even though I said it would make me feel safer if anything happened to him. When I read this now I feel quite stupid. You don’t leave yourself vulnerable like this when you don’t have enough of your own money to be safe! I feel like I’m a child waking up and realising that I haven’t been an adult!

@Iwantmeback I think it’s great you are getting out. I wonder if my time will come. I feel like I need to make plans. I just don’t know where to start…

[IndianaEagle]

Thank you KIP those are all really useful. I agree that knowledge is power.xxx

[IndianaEagle]

He doesn’t take any medication. He is completely ‘normal’ he’s got a great job where he seems to be very respected. I work with people who know colleagues of his and people are always telling me how lucky I am because he’s so wonderful. That sometimes makes it worse. A few of my friends know: We had an issue a couple of years ago where my car failed its mot and needed (detail removed by moderator) worth of work which was more than the car cost. I felt sick because I couldn’t afford to pay that or afford a new car. I just about scrape together the money to pay my car insurance each year. I kept asking my oh what we were going to do and he kept just saying, ‘what are YOU going to do.’ And I was laying awake at night trying to plan out my life without a car for a couple of weeks. I went to a friends house (detail removed by moderator) and had a few drinks and I just broke down about the damn car. One of my friends said, ‘Ive been really worried about you (detail removed by moderator). I knew things weren’t right.’ Another said, ‘I know exactly what this is like. My husband is exactly the same.’ and another couple just couldn’t get their head around why money isn’t shared and I couldn’t just go and buy a new car. It was really hard to explain to them and I wish I hadn’t. Everyone agreed I should leave but of course I haven’t. My friend who was worried’s solution has been to arrange lots of couples events which I hate going to because I never know if he’s going to come. Nothing says humiliation quite like turning up to dinner on your own because they refuse to come out with you. When they do come out then you’re subjected to people’s look of disbelief because he is so nice and kind when we’re out and the inner shame that you can’t get him to act like this when it’s just the two of you. The car thing was rectified the weekend the mot and the insurance ran out when he announced we were going to look at cars. It was obvious he’d done careful car research and decided what I was going to have and then paid for a car only a couple of years old outright. That’s the most painful part: knowing he earns about 6x as much as I do this was from the last time he left a pay slip lying around) and he just has this kind of money in his accounts but he expects me to pay up for anything I put on the credit card as soon as I’ve paid for it. I honestly spent weeks worrying about life without a car at that time. Now I just worry in case anything goes wrong with the car and I have to pay for it. In some ways it’s nice to know that this isn’t normal.

[IndianaEagle]

Thanks everyone for just listening and not making me feel like I’m mad! I googled this forum in the middle of the night last night. I’ve been here before because I already had an account but I’m not sure I ever posted as I can’t remember signing up! How mad is that? It all just felt too much. I haven’t even been hugged in about two years! Maybe some people don’t need that but I feel like I do. I often hug other people or even try to snuggle up to my partner in the night but it’s not the same as being hugged back. It seems I’ve got to research some more things and pluck up the courage to phone the helpline.

Thanks Iwantmeback, what I’ve really found is that it’s just not worth talking about it. Most women don’t understand and those who do just want you to leave and I am not ready for that. In my wildest fantasies I get a space on a course I want to do (hardly likely when I’ve got to find thousands) and then get a dream job and finally earn enough to get me out of this mess on my own terms but I can’t see me really being able to manage it because everything will be sabotaged which is what has happened to me in the past. My greatest wish for my own daughter is that she gets out of here and gets a wonderful job and pays her own way in life. My kids are not really disrespectful, they just see things very simply but I also think they are caught up in this just as much as I am. I don’t even come from an abusive family but again I feel like I have to hide everything from them because my life looks very successful from the outside. I guess that’s what it’s supposed to look like: ‘look what he has given her because he loves her so much.’

[IndianaEagle]

I’m financially entwined in that I think that I own half of this house. Although ‘we’ remortgaged a while ago and I don’t remember signing anything but my head is done in. Part of me is counting down until my daughter leaves school because she goes to a really good school and I know she won’t get what she gets anywhere else and I couldn’t afford to live anywhere else either with or without her. Does it make sense to think that I’ve been doing this for a long time I can do a few more years? However, I’m recently seeing that my kids know more than me what’s going on but they blame me for being weak and not ‘behaving’ (this involves an almost impossible housework regime, looking different to how I do but spending no time or money on myself, and not doing the things I enjoy, like I buy lots of books to just try and escape my reality and improve myself but it’s frowned upon in my house to waste time reading and clutter up the house with books, also earning more money while not also being around for the kids at the same time). I have mostly stayed to provide stability for them. He’s a really good dad and I couldn’t ask for anyone better. He just seems to hate me.

[IndianaEagle]

When I say he doesn’t speak I mean he never speaks to me. Ever. Unless I repeatedly ask something and then he will give me a one or two word answer. The only time he speaks to me is if we are in company. Even with the kids he will have a conversation with them if I’m out of the room and then go back to nothing or monosyllables when I’m back in the room. The mixed messages I get are that he still buys me jewellery for my birthdays and Christmas and he will buy things for the house so I sometimes convince him to come out somewhere to buy furniture or plants for the garden as this gives me a feeling that he’s not going to leave me. I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else but I don’t know as everything is completely separate. I don’t even know any of his work colleagues for example. I try and talk about my life and things all the time but it’s a bit like being in an echo chamber as there is no response. When I type it out it sounds mad! One of my kids who is at Uni tells me that it’s not normal and I feel like it’s my fault. It wasn’t what I had planned. I hardly do anything except go to work and I’m trying to do things with my daughter but it’s exhausting and I’m constantly fearful about not having enough money and spending too much.

Where do I start with legal advice? Does anyone have any recommendations?

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