Llamaly1

[Llamaly1]

I’m back. No the back arrow didn’t work unfortunately. I’ll try and remember to copy post before I post.

So, I privately rent, tenancy in my name only. I stopped my housing benefit claim and haven’t reapplied for it so I don’t understand the comment about nit removing his name as I don’t have a claim anymore.
Landlord wants him out too. We want him out without notice because he will destroy the place and also he’ll refuse to go anyway so it would be a battle through courts and bailiffs…even tho police could get him out if they wanted too, they have the power to.

He’s been reported so many times for growing, by many different people, they don’t care. Only once they went there and that’s because landlord reported him after a visit. They arrested and charged him for it all, inc supply, but for some reason dropped all charges even tho they literally had the evidence in their hands. They really don’t care.

I would feel awkward asking for a different support worker, I was hoping I might be able to get another advocate type person to go to police with me and who could give legal advice.

@lifebegins, I’ve been told I can’t get a non mol as there has not been incidence of threatening behaviour in 10 days, 3 weeks, whatever the time limit is. I don’t know if the emails and texts would count as anything? Previous ones, tho more than 3 weeks ago, was threatening to report me to police! But too long ago. Recent ones are harassment as I’ve told him in email not to contact me again.

I’m so, so drained by it all. If I can just get my home back then so much stress will be lifted, I could start to actually move on and have a life, my children deserve this and need this. It’s MY home!!

Council are talking me I still have to pay council tax even tho I’m not there! Citizens advice trespassers/squatters are higher in the list for liability than me! But trying to tell council this is impossible as they don’t listen, they’re always right.

I’ve had cable company take nearly £100 from me which I do t owe, they owe me, now they’re trying to say they’ll send me a cheque and they can’t pay it back via my bank! I can’t get to the bank, it’s in town so can’t park right outside and I can barely walk.

I’ve had another payment come out that the bank had supposedly blocked so have to phone them too and another company said they couldn’t take payment and have charged me a fee but I have a direct debit set up and it’s been going for a long time so it’s a problem with them but No, immediately penalise me and another phone call I have to make.

There’s always something every day. I get so anxious making phone calls too but it’s so much money that I haven’t got and need back but everything’s a fight.

[Llamaly1]

So, this site has a major flaw…I just typed out a reply, fairly lengthy, and when I went to post it went to log in so I signed in but it didn’t upload my post! Earlier I did copy and paste but that was for some other reason that I can’t remember now and I didn’t get signed out then, but I didn’t realise it would do that!
I have no energy left to type it out again today so I’ll hopefully try tomorrow.
So just for now, thanks to everyone xx

[Llamaly1]

Also, I was wondering, I see a lot of posts of people saying that you can get a case worker from women’s aid, someone that will help and go with you to the police and can provide legal advice. I really really need someone official to speak to the police with/for me as I have gotten no where with them. I have so much evidence of different types of abuse and people willing to do statements but police won’t do anything.
I have a DV support worker but when I asked if she could come with me to speak to someone she seemed very reluctant and said she could but she doesn’t think it will help at all. She has been very good in other areas but I don’t know why she doesn’t want to do this.
He has literally committed so many crimes and is still doing so but there is no justice. Meanwhile he’s in my home, growing and smoking cannabis, with no legal right to be there, he’s trespassing and squatting, something else that is illegal, and me and (removed by moderator) children are living uncomfortably at my (removed by moderator) for so long with no end in sight.
Thai so all so exhausting.

[Llamaly1]

Thanks for the replies and sorry I haven’t replied sooner.

I have had several solicitors who have all been equally useless. The last one told me that it would be hard for me to get an occupation order (detail removed by moderator).

He is trespassing/squatting which is illegal but police won’t help.
Sorry but could you tell me what HTHs is please?

My daughter is a huge source of help, don’t know what I’d do without her. She came with me to see my DV support worker and she phoned PiP for me and explained the situation and the lady immediately reinstated my pip and issued payment for the shortfall. I couldn’t believe it, she was so good. She’s sent me out a new review form which my daughter helped me fill in and we’ve sent it off.

Carers people were extremely unhelpful tho and said she would have to reapply and there’s nothing they can do as she didn’t get in touch within 7 days, ludicrous! So she’s reapplied now but won’t get any money for at least 6 weeks and could be much longer apparently.

He sent me messages through my son (removed by moderator), which I’ve told him so many times not to do, and then he sent me (removed by moderator) emails. I didn’t tell him I did a claim for UC and he’s just got a letter to say he’s being moved over to UC himself. He’s asking me all sorts of questions about it and I could tell he was having a go at me then in the emails he tried saying (removed by moderator)! He said they told him (removed by moderator). Obviously I know he wouldn’t get anywhere with that as I’m not the one who’s (removed by moderator).
I haven’t replied and I’m not going to. I told him in my last response not to contact me unless it’s something about my son and he can’t message me himself.

I’ve also got the council charging me council tax and saying I have to pay it even though I’m not living there and they won’t take his name of the housing until (removed by moderator).

My GP has told me to refer myself back for counselling to explore the possibility I have PTSD, I do t much about it but I guess it’s possible.

[Llamaly1]

Hi Twisted Sister,

Thanks for replying. My first reply was removed as I had too much info 😬 but just wanted to say thanks.
I’ve chatted to my son and said for him to think about what he wants to do. He’s tried blocking but he then just gets his sibling to send messages. I’m sure he would escalate whatever we do, he just doesn’t stop.

I’ll let you know how it goes if we report. Many thanks again 😊

[Llamaly1]

Hi all, I’m back again.

No progress still, things still the same and I’m still working on things but new, urgent problem and I really don’t know what to do.

My youngest who is still with his dad talked to me last night and told me on several occasions over the past year and a half he has had suicidal thoughts and almost acted upon them twice. He said it was only because his dad came in the room, at what he said was bad timing, that he didn’t do it. He said his dad doesn’t know this bit.
He didn’t want to tell he how he had planned to do it or how recent the last time was but said within the last 3 months, I gathered it had been very recent, maybe within the last week or so.

I sat and listened, I let him talk, I somehow managed to stay calm, didn’t panic. I said how pleased I am he told me and said how I’m always here for him for any reason and he can tell me anything anytime, no matter what it is and all I wanted as his mum was for him to be happy, healthy and safe and I would do what I could to help with that.

I offered to arrange for him to see a therapist, to see the counsellor my other son is seeing, (who is very informal) to see the GP, talk to any other family member or friend, to ask a social worker for help (pfttt) to have someone come to the house, for me to either be there or not when of he wants to talk to someone, for him to phone a helpline, talk to someone on webchat, visit helpful websites, come stay with me for a while, research medication that be helpful. He said no to everything, he said he wants to deal with it himself and doesn’t think any professional can help him.
I said he can phone or text me and come round anytime of the day or night.

He said he had told his dad about some of this a while ago now, he has done nothing to help. I know he has talked him out of seeing a therapist as he doesn’t agree with them and never has and has always tried to talk everyone out of seeing them. He says they put thoughts in your mind and create false memories etc. It sounds as though he may have told my lad that if he tells them about having suicidal thoughts then they will section him and make him take medication against his will. I told him to look it up online to see what might happen and he did right then, he found that they wouldn’t tell anyone unless he was saying he was going to do it. This still didn’t change his mind though and he is very adamant he doesn’t to want to speak to anyone else about this. His dad is also very anti-medication of any kind, even as basic as vitamin supplements.

I am all out of ideas of what to do, without breaking his confidentiality and trust in me, I want him to know he can come to me anytime and that I will respect his choices. But I’m worried out of my mind.

If anyone has any advice I would so greatly appreciate it.
Thank you.

[Llamaly1]

Hi TS,
Thanks for replying again, you have been very supportive, thank you xx

Yes it is truly shocking how SS are not doing anything, I just don’t understand it, especially as there is so much evidence from everyone, it makes no sense at all.

He was (detail removed by Moderator) until maybe (detail removed by Moderator) days ago, the police left some behind! He hasn’t got cash to buy any and I doubt (detail removed by Moderator), but who knows, now all charges have been dropped. I don’t get that either as they had all the evidence,(detail removed by Moderator) so how can they just drop charges?! (detail removed by Moderator)

If my lad got ill again I’m quite certain he wouldn’t let me know this time because of what happened before, I haven’t heard from him since (detail removed by Moderator) when I saw him.
Should the adult mental health services have got involved when he put my sons life at risk? He suffers from severe mental health issues and surely they should have done something then, he could even have been sectioned because of putting someone’s life at risk!

I’m still in touch with my DA support worker though not as often. She is really good though. I’m hoping so be able to speak to her this week again, maybe she can get on to SS again.

I really don’t understand the police either, they charged him with so many things including (detail removed by Moderator) against me but then dropped everything, this makes no sense, this could have really helped with the whole situation. I’ve been desperately trying to get them to re-open my (detail removed by Moderator) case but they just refuse, even though they didn’t thoroughly investigate it and he’s still at it too. Child abuse is a criminal act so why are they not doing anything about that either, just passing the buck to SS and they pass it back!

I’m on the frg forum, they say to just keep on at SS which I’m doing but not getting anywhere. I’ve tried phoning coram and another place I can’t remember the name of now, but can’t get through.

This is really hard on my other children too, they are so worried about their brother and it’s making them ill too.

[Llamaly1]

Hi all,

Well would you believe things still aren’t sorted and SS closed the case shortly after I last posted, without escalating and with no improvements.

Since then, he put my sons life at risk by not taking him to A&E by specific request of 999 as ambulance would take too long (detail removed by Moderator) and it was very urgent. Police had to escort them there.
Shortly after he was arrested for (detail removed by Moderator) related activity, was charged, released on bail now they’ve just dropped all charges even though they had all the evidence up to supply level.
Son has told me and various professionals that he’s suffering from depression. He’s still not washing, eating or sleeping properly and everything else that was previously going on.
Despite several referrals from police, NSPCC, GP and other professionals, no involvement form SS, they just told me they are not taking the matter any further, despite all referrals and mountains of evidence of abuse and neglect.
MP is contacting people but nothing is happening.
Can’t find a solicitor for legal aid.
Police closed my case of (detail removed by Moderator) without taking statements from many willing witnesses which would have corroborated my statement and provided more evidence.
They recently charged him with (detail removed by Moderator) as I had voice recordings, hours worth, but they have just dropped those charges too saying insufficient evidence even though it was all there for them to hear and was so blatantly obvious and even included more controlling and coercive behaviour!
My sons mental and physical health is rapidly deteriorating and they are well aware of this but still nothing.
He actually put my sons life at risk, which was witnessed and documented by the police and was only resolved by their involvement. The very definition of significant harm and they did absolutely nothing! I just can’t get my head around it all.
I’m hanging on by a rapidly dwindling bare piece of thread.

[Llamaly1]

I’m so sorry rafaello to hear you’re going through the same thing, it is so disheartening when no one will help, especially those that their job is to do exactly that.

The first thing I did was to come here and I had a webchat, they directed me to my DA support worker, that was an easy process which I’m so grateful for as my original support worker was absolutely great. Unfortunately she left and the next one was terrible, she is not working there anymore, sacked I’d imagine! My new one now is very good though.
Apart from that, no one else has been helpful at all.
I spoke to the NSPCC who listened and gave me some advice which I was grateful for, they just reaffirmed that the police and SW was not doing their job properly, I kept thinking I was going mad and thought I must have been in the wrong.

And I totally agree, what is the point in the new DA law when the police don’t do anything about it or follow it!

My eldest teen is having therapy but my ex (detail removed by moderator). He knows that if he does they might be able to explain to him how wrong his father is and how he doesn’t have to put up with it. He is totally manipulating him because he knows he’s can. He still tries very hard to do the same with my eldest but he doesn’t want any contact with him at all so he can’t get to him anymore.
He even tried (detail removed by moderator) to back him up and go against me!

Do you have a DA support worker? Or have your children been offered counselling? I don’t know how much these services differ by area as to how easy they are to access.

Yes my solicitor was the same, no advice, didn’t know what to do and they’re supposed to specialise on family law and domestic abuse! It’s so hard to find a decent one, I’m yet to find one in nearly (detail removed by moderator).

I received a response from the police commissioner’s team/receptionist…apparently he doesn’t get involved with operational issues? But has said that he is paying the info to my local police force to ask them to look into my case and report directly to me and to inform them of the outcome. They have also requested a briefing into the handling of my case. Not what I was hoping for but better than nothing I guess. Although saying that, my local MP said he’d referred the matter to someone and that was a month ago and I’ve heard nothing.

Got a couple of sentences from SW today, not answering any of my questions yet again but saying she’s ‘hoping’ to go and see them this week and she’ll update me! It’s been over (detail removed by moderator) since last CIN meeting and the plan has not been followed, they did say things would have to be escalated if it wasn’t followed again but I just know they’re not going to do that.

Apart from going to the media, which I really really don’t want to do, I’m out of ideas now.

It’s all the hanging around waiting for responses, no one is taking this seriously or seeing the urgency, and every day that goes by my son is suffering and being further manipulated and alienated against me. It’s been almost (detail removed by moderator) since things got bad and I asked, begged for help, apart from all the previous years and years of abuse. I just don’t understand it, why the so called professionals are not doing their jobs and helping my son.

[Llamaly1]

Hi all,

The only problem with going back home is the fact that my son will agree to go with him if I get him out. That’s the only reason I haven’t done it so far, I’ve been waiting and hoping that SS will do their job at some point and make the decision for my son that he can’t go with him. I think that’s possibly what my son wants too, he’s carrying a lot of guilt and responsibility that he shouldn’t be about leaving his dad on his own. I think if someone professional tells him officially that he can’t that he would be ok with that and know that his dad won’t blame him for it. It’s all about manipulation with him and my son.

I spent a long while writing out a letter/email to send to the commissioner, then after that I had to stop, I get severe anxiety when I spend a whole day having to text/phone/email/read about all of this, my attacks last at least 24 hours and are totally debilitating.

I didn’t send the email yet so will add on what you said about the case review, very good idea. I will send it today and update here if I get a response.

Yes the incident with (detail removed by Moderator) was in my house, my son told me about it in text so I have screenshots of I ever need them, I have a lot of screenshots! I wasn’t there, I haven’t been back to my home in a long while, ironically the police told me not to go back there for my own safety yet they won’t do anything about it!
Yes, I am willing to court for anything that requires it but it doesn’t look like that will ever happen. So you think his (detail removed by Moderator) kicking is something I can report? Even though I wasn’t there? I don’t know what he told A&E bout how he did it but I’m sure he didn’t tell the truth. Many years ago he hurt his (detail removed by Moderator) when he had someone on the floor with his hands round their throat for quite a while, he told A&E then he hurt it whilst holding something for a long time in an awkward position, he didn’t elaborate! When he smashed up our (detail removed by Moderator) with a (detail removed by Moderator) and had to phone them to get a new one, he said he dropped something heavy on it. This is how he uses words to manipulate situations and people, he tells part of the truth but keeps the worst part back and in his mind he’s not lying!
It does make sense what you are saying, his rage causes not only criminal damage but physically hurts himself, so either way, if it’s his ‘diagnosis’ or just rage, he can’t control and is a danger to himself and others.
It sounds as though this (detail removed by Moderator) kicking event could possibly have caused him some damage, I say possibly as I can’t believe anything he says anymore but he has been causing a lot of fuss recently saying he’s in a lot of pain with his back. (detail removed by Moderator) ago I got a text from my lad just saying they have to go to A&E straight away. I was horrified as I had no idea what was going on and if it was my lad that needed help. I found out through someone else that it was him, complaining about his (detail removed by Moderator) pain and said that a doctor told him via phone call to call an ambulance. He worried everyone, his own dad was made ill through the stress of it. He didn’t call one and instead went to chat with a neighbour (detail removed by Moderator)! He was saying he was in so much pain but did that!

I’ve tried many times to phone rights of women but can never get through. And I can’t seem to find a decent or even semi decent solicitor in my area. I’m not even sure what a solicitor could do for me to be honest. Whilst my son is of the mind that he wants to stay with his dad, his words will be listening too because of his age, no one will accept that these are not actually his own words, they know the whole situation, the manipulation in particular, as my other son and my daughter has told them exactly how he does this and uses it against the children.
My son is too scared to admit he’s scared or that he wants to stay with me. He knows the backlash that will occur if he defies his dad and like I said, he’s filled with guilt about leaving him on his own because he’s ‘ill’.

It’s been over a month know since last CIN meeting and I’ve not heard a word from the SW and my son said he hasn’t either.

If I report the (detail removed by Moderator) kicking, will they take that seriously? I wasn’t there and haven’t seen the damage and don’t actually know what (detail removed by Moderator) it was, I don’t think there’s much left of the (detail removed by Moderator) anymore! What would they do with this info do you know? Will it look like I’m just being petty or something?
I’ve been asked if he gets in touch with me in any way and when I say no they say that I’m safe then. It’s like because he doesn’t ‘bother’ me anymore that means he’s not abusive. I just feel like sometimes they all think I’m just exaggerating or making a mountain out of a mole hill just to be awkward and cause trouble. That really does put me off wanting to get in touch with the police anymore. Maybe that’s their plan, time saving tactics for them.

Thanks again everyone and hugs to you all.

[Llamaly1]

Hi twisted sister,

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time, thank you.

If it wasn’t for my children then I would honestly see no point in me being in this world anymore. I have to keep fighting for them, they are my world.

He had an original diagnosis of (detail removed by moderator) and that really does seem to fit so much more than (detail removed by moderator), he ticks every single box. The person who diagnosed him with (detail removed by moderator), was unaware of this original diagnosis.
He seems to think he can get away with everything if he blames it on (detail removed by moderator) and up until now he has! No one seems to accept that his violent and emotional abuse are something he is and can be in control of.

I can evict him from my home as he’s not actually entitled to be there but I haven’t done this because if I do he will take my son with him and I won’t have a clue where he is then.
I need my son with me first and then I can do that easily.

The MP only replies when I get back in touch with him. He forwarded me the response from the police last week and he received it mid (detail removed by moderator)! I’ve had no direct contact though from the guy who’s supposed to be looking into things or no update via MP.

My GP is really good and seems to be the only professional person who wants to do something. I spoke to him yesterday and he said can’t understand why they haven’t taken any ‘urgent serious action’. He said they have kept him totally in the dark and only knows what’s going on because of me.
He is going to attempt to see my son somehow, he said he’d ideally like to visit him at home but I’m quite sure ‘he’ won’t allow that and I’m not sure he will even take my son to see him at the surgery.
My son has a non urgent, ongoing, undiagnosed medical condition which he is going to use to try and see him. Maybe if he refuses then he could use this to say he’s refusing my son medical treatment? Although he has done this before in a really bad way last year but nothing come of that either when I told SS. I don’t know if I mentioned the incident but I’m sure if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it, it was so bad. I had to take my son to A&E, he wouldn’t even phone 111, my son wanted to go which was the only reason how I was able to take him.

And thank you, yes I will contact the police commissioner right now, I’ve found his details. I didn’t think of that so thank you!

I emailed the education secretary a few weeks back, just in case, I’m contacting everyone I can possibly think of, but not had any response.

I do seem to keep coming back here, I’m drawn here, and it’s because of people like you and the great support you all give, words mean so much. Thank you all.

[Llamaly1]

Hi everyone,

I so appreciate your help and support, and I’m sorry for not replying earlier. I hope N-survivor, that that your hearing went well and things are improving for you?

I’m still in exactly the same position. MP got a lame response from council, didn’t even address anything I’d said or any of concerns of questions, just waffled on about nothing.
Response from police via MP, said they’d look into my file and see if there’s anything they can do. Still nothing though.

It took the PC 1 month to tell me about the interview she had with ‘him’. I emailed her back straight after talking on phone to tell her my daughter said she now feels confident enough to do a witness statement, as she had been a witness and victim of him for many years also. This was (detail removed by moderator) ago. She has just emailed me back last night to say the case was closed following an interview and his denial of abuse. He did actually admit quite a few things but he blamed his behaviour on his (detail removed by moderator), which he always does but this is not a valid excuse!

She said she didn’t think there would be any evidential value in my daughters statement in support of my allegations! At the time she took my statement she told me it would be useful if my daughter made a statement as she was a continuing witness and it would help prove controlling and coercive behaviour over a long period of time. (My daughter has been an adult for a few years now)
Also at the time, before the interview, I told her some of his own family members said they would give a statement detailing their accounts of what they have witnessed over the years. I gave her their names and contact numbers. She never contacted them. This was his close, blood relatives!
How can they just close the case without telling me and also not even listen to anyone else who is willing to give evidence? He is abusive to everyone, family, friends, neighbours, strangers, he doesn’t even hide this. There have been so many incidents with so many people and it hasn’t stopped, he’s still the same. He was in A&E only weeks back because he got into such a massive rage and (detail removed by moderator).

So much for the new domestic abuse law!

I might add, she only got in touch with me last night because I did a web chat last week with the police and they said they’d get her to call me, she wouldn’t have done otherwise.

The officer on webchat told me, interestingly when SS first went to the house and saw the (detail removed by moderator), they should have called the police immediately and waited there till they arrived! They’ve been back n forth quite a few times over the year and they never did this! Will they get into trouble over this? Of course not! They have not done their job properly at all but nothing comes of it!

The last CIN meeting went the same as the first, there was no progress whatsoever on the plan and they just redid the plan with the same things, none of which has happened. They even said they had planned on closing the case that day?! How can they do this? This is utterly ridiculous! How can they do another cin plan but then close the case without any follow up?! They are talking out of their backsides it seems.

I emailed the social worker last (detail removed by moderator), I’ve text her, sent another email but no response. This is usual for them.

Still no response at all from my complaint, I now email the council every day. (Complaint was beginning of (detail removed by moderator)) I am getting in touch with the ombudsman now, I couldn’t before because of time limits. I’ve told the council this.

Still haven’t received my information from my SAR from beginning of (detail removed by moderator), just an email to apologise that there is a delay due to the amount of requests they have received, seriously? I’ve told them I’m reporting this to the ICO.

Are things usually this bad? My council are utterly useless with everything!

There are no words to describe how I’m feeling. It’s just never ending with absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Llamaly1]

Hi all,

Thanks eggshells, big hugs back to you!

My son went to the meeting which I’m pleased about but the domestic abuse is still being ignored. The SS worker said that (name removed by Moderator) hasn’t mentioned anything about it so there’s nothing they can do!
I brought up how his dad has thrown things at him and that it hurt him and other things too and he nodded his head in agreement. They know about the anxiety attack too which was brought on directly because of his abusive behaviour towards him and my son had talked about this with them.
Myself, my other children and other family members have also all told them about the ongoing abuse, is all of this not enough?!
It’s just frustrating.

They did another CIN plan, totally ignoring the last one, and placed the emphasis on my son that it’s his plan, his responsibility to comply. I found this to be very unfair and far too much pressure on him. It’s not his responsibility, he is not allowed to make decisions for himself or do what he wants to do. None of the things on the plan have taken place as of yet. It’s his dad’s responsibility to comply.

They said there’s not grounds for a child protection meeting. I’ve read everywhere in official documents that even just witnessing domestic abuse is grounds for a CP meeting but they said it’s not!

My formal complaint has been totally ignored, no response at all.
Not heard back from the MP as of yet or anyone who he contacted.

Another meeting should be taking place in (detail removed by Moderator) weeks but no reply from SS as to a date and time.
My support worker is hoping to come along to that one but if they don’t let me know when it is then she may get booked up and not be able to come.

I’m so frustrated and feel so alone. I fear for my sons safety every single day and every single day I’m being ignored and my son is being abused.

[Llamaly1]

Apparently he’s not going and they are having a separate meeting. They want my son to attend both meetings which seems a bit much to me.

They will not answer my questions about why he’s not going, if he’ll get minutes of my meeting, if I will get minutes of his and a few other basic questions which all require a basic yes or no answer. They do not want to give me any information about anything! I don’t even know if my son is going to my one!

There isn’t anyone more neutral going which I’m confused about, I thought at least their manager would be going. And if my son isn’t going isn’t that a cause for concern that he’s not letting him go?

My MP relied, which I was quite shocked about really. He said he’s written to the chief executive of the council and the chief inspector of the police and he’ll get back to me once they reply. I’m so pleased he’s actually doing something, you never know, it might prove helpful.

[Llamaly1]

Hi,

You’re right, it is very demoralising, I feel so helpless.

I don’t want to not attend the meeting otherwise I’ll never know what’s said and won’t be able to put my concerns and questions across.
I spoke to my GP (detail removed by moderator), so it’s not even as though they are finally doing something as it wasn’t their idea!
He said he will join in via video which is good, said (detail removed by moderator).

[Author]

Posts