Pea2020

[Pea2020]

Hey guys!

Me again.

Of course I’m still in a relationship with him.

All has seemed OK the past (detail removed by moderator).

Then (detail removed by moderator), he seemed off about something in my (detail removed by moderator). It was because something I had put in it was similar to his (detail removed by moderator). He had changed his (detail removed by moderator) recently and I hadn’t realised. It was to do with a (detail removed by moderator).
He didn’t believe me that I hadn’t spotted his (detail removed by moderator) and I spent all day trying to explain myself and tell him I wasn’t lying, I had no reason to lie about it, it was just an (detail removed by moderator).
He would not believe me. He would say (detail removed by moderator).
By the end of the day I was exhausted and angry and I told him I wanted to break up.
The was a huge argument and loads of shouting. I would say that I shouted as much as he did.
Then just as I was leaving he suddenly switched and apologised for thinking I was lying. He acted caring about my day and hugged me. I broke down.
(Detail removed by moderator) I went back to his and it was kind of ok. I felt a bit weird but it was OK.
Then he kept making little digs about my (detail removed by moderator) and the types of stuff that I post.
(Detail removed by moderator). They weren’t sexual selfies, however maybe it was inappropriate of me to share selfies like that. So I deleted them. He then had a go at me for following guys back (detail removed by moderator), especially ones who had one or two topless selfies. He was following (detail removed by moderator) whose pictures were all underwear shots and also women (detail removed by moderator) who sometimes posted underwear photos.
He made me unfollow and I then pointed out the unfairness, so he also unfollowed. The thing is, I didnt even mind him following these women back, I just wanted to point I out the double standards eek.
He told me off for  (detail removed by moderator), however, everyday since then he has mentioned all the followers I’m getting (detail removed by moderator) and the amount of guys that follow me.

I feel odd and confused and do feel like I have also been out of line here.

What is happening ahhhh

[Pea2020]

Ps i haven’t done the freedom programme, there aren’t any at any times that I can do because of work and kids etc

[Pea2020]

Thank you for your replies.

After he punched the wall, I said I wanted to leave and he started going on about how he would never hit a women and never has hit a woman and then started going on about how I slammed a door a few minutes before and how it was exactly the same thing… slamming doors isn’t acceptable, I know I shouldnt have done it on my way out of the house, maybe my display triggered his one?

Regarding controlling my bodily functions, this is the only time he has done this… so this aspect is not a pattern yet… maybe he was stressed about being late?
Either way I think if it was the other way around I would have been completely understanding about it. And his approach to talking to me about it weirded me out.

Also I’m not arguing back at you guys with my message, what you are all saying makes sense, I think I’m just trying to understand it and get my head around it, because he really does seem so chill and nice and friendly and caring like 99% of the time

[Pea2020]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate your input.
Is so weird because he is so chill about everything most of the time. But then these couple of things have happened and it does feel off.
I outright asked him (detail removed by Moderator) for permission to post something on IG and he told me I didn’t need to ask his permission.
But he got so mad about that post the other night, so how do I know what he deems right or wrong in this area?

[Pea2020]

Ok thank you, I had to move into a rented place in the end, for a variety of reasons.

I contacted the national DA helpline like you suggested and they also said that I wouldn’t need to tell him.

Thank you for your advice today. Xx

[Pea2020]

I know you are right @KIP

I wonder if maybe he just wants me there to make it seem like we are all good and that he hasn’t done the things that he has done.

I think it is more for his public image than anything.

I will try and find an excuse not to go, although it is heartbreaking not being there for my son.

[Pea2020]

Yes it is all about him, even when he’s acting like it’s all about me or the children.

It’s been strange living at my mums.
No one looking over my shoulder, not feeling like I have to report back to anyone.
Feeling safe to sleep.

I’ve been on a high this past week I think, but I’m starting to dip again now. The anxiety is creeping back.

[Pea2020]

Thank you all.
You all are really keeping me in the reality.
The info about the 3 different phases has been really helpful too. I can recognise each one completely.

I turned my phone off for a day and I felt the most free I’ve ever felt.
I slept really well that night. The kids seem so chill too.

He has messaged me again today, telling me how much shame and sorrow he is feeling and that he is missing us all lots.

I keep reading my list.

[Pea2020]

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and great advice!

I’m ok today. The kids are currently excited because they are at my mum’s.
I think I’m feeling a mixture of being overwhelmed, relief, excitement, sadness and terrible guilt.

I keep swinging from one emotion to another!
He keeps messaging me saying all the things he wants to help me with, that he wants to help as much as possible, that he wants to be a part of my life. Things like he trusts me more than anyone, so I will be his emergency contact forever etc.

Thank god I wrote a list, because otherwise I would seriously be doubting myself right now.

Kip, you are probably right and I should get a solicitor ASAP. He has already used the children to punish me in some way, multiple times these past couple of weeks.

Greensapphire, I’m sorry that he did that to you! My husband is already controlling the narrative of my exit and telling people it was mutual, initiated by me and that it was all his fault because he “didnt pay enough attention”.

Thank you again, everyone, you have all been so supportive and I honestly don’t think I’d be at my mum’s right now of it wasn’t for you all.

Xxx

[Pea2020]

Update:
We’re out.
I cant believe it!
He has been continuing to be “reasonable and supportive” and pretty much couldn’t wait to get rid of me in the end. He went on a sudden clearing out spree and put all my stuff by the front door.
I’m now getting loads of stressed messages from him, worrying about how he is going to look after 3 kids on his own.

I’m not letting my guard down, but I’m glad that I could leave the house in the end with it being pretty uneventful.

[Pea2020]

Thank you everyone, your support and advice has been amazing and is really keeping me going at the moment.
I’m so easily pulled back in with him… he knows we are separating, but I still found myself in a position with him where he was trying to initiate sex still… and I managed to get away with that one, but still accepted him massaging my shoulder!
I’ve also ended up spending loads of money on a (detail removed by Moderator) for him, to replace the one I’m taking, because he asked me to. I also found myself accepting to take the baby from him on his days with the kids, whenever he wanted me to, if he felt like he couldn’t cope!! I realised what I was doing after a few minutes and tried to put a boundary down with it. I will try and avoid conversations with him till I move out.

[Pea2020]

I know this post is really moany, apologies.
I think I just want to vent.

[Pea2020]

Thank you everyone.

Ok so I had a change of plan… he knows we are going, he saw me sorting some last bits out. So of course I told him everything, like an idiot probably.

And now I’m completely thrown, because he is heartbroken, but is also being… reasonable?!

He says he understands, wants me to have a good life, wants to help me if I need it. Wants to discuss finances.

Why is he being so nice about it? He has discussed child contact arrangements.
Says he is (detail removed by moderator) but is not angry. He says (detail removed by moderator), considering the situation.

I dont know… I mean I’m relieved he wants to be grown up about it all… but I keep inwardly feeling angry too. I’ve spent so long being controlled and abused by him and now he is the calm and reasonable one, who isn’t going to stop me going. He’s even got rid of me on his (detail removed by moderator), which has messed up his money, (detail removed by moderator) now.
Did I imagine the last few years? Is he really abusive? I thought they were meant to get worse once you were definitely going.

I’m so confused again.

[Pea2020]

I have got most important things out of the house now.
I’m leaving with the kids (detail removed by moderator).
Everything is in place and I’m going to go for it xx

[Pea2020]

It definitely felt like he was trying to rattle me or intimidate me.
I’ve made a note of it in my journal, but I wish I had thought to message him, to create written evidence. He’s just got home.
I will know to do that if he does anything similar again.

[Pea2020]

Update: he’s taken the kids out for the day, completely unexpected and unannounced.

He just said “(detail removed by Moderator)” To me and I went to find some (detail removed by Moderator). Then he took one from me and went out the door (kids already in car) and said “(detail removed by Moderator)”.

No idea where they’ve gone or how long they will be out for. They’ve been out since (detail removed by Moderator)

[Pea2020]

Thank you for your reply.
I keep thinking about one particular time that he assaulted me, again and again. It’s crazy making, no matter what I’m doing, the feelings and visuals of it keep appearing in my mind.
I have found myself obsessively re writing my original list of things he has done to me, in a way that is more coherent to others.
Maybe there is a part of me that hopes this can be used, if I was to report.

I will look into it further and see what might be needed.

[Pea2020]

So even if we share kids, I don’t have to tell him? Xx

[Pea2020]

This will be the first event of its kind since we separated- he has got in there first and organised (detail removed by moderator). I don’t want to be in the same room as him, but I also don’t want to miss out! He has had a habit in the past of telling everyone who will listen at school how hands on he his, how much he has the kids.
Whilst we were together, he made sure to tell all the other mums how bad my mental health was etc.

I dont want them to think he is the main parent or that I’m not very involved or capable or anything… but that is my own ego talking, I know.

[Pea2020]

Thank you for your reply, you make complete sense.
I will try and stop contact, if possible.
I do often wonder what he would do if I said no to him at the moment… I’ve been trying to be as amenable as possible and not antagonise him in any way… you are right, he probably would turn in a second if I said no to him about something.

[Pea2020]

Yes I think he definitely doing that- he’s trying to make everything happen on his terms and control it all still.
I clearly am still cloudy in my thinking, because I still want to be fair to him and I think I still feel as though this is all my fault somehow…
I do need to keep reminding myself that this is all happening because of the things that he has done.
I will try and get a solicitor ASAP.
I won’t trust him, even though I keep getting sucked in by him currently seeming understanding.
It will be such a relief once I’m gone.

Thank you for your encouragement xx

[Pea2020]

Its so entitled isn’t it… the other day he asked me outright if we could keep having sex, even after I left. Then last night he kept staring at me and I found it creepy and then he tried to initiate sex with me. He told me he can’t help it because he still finds me sexually attractive!!
He also told me what he is currently telling People, when telling them I’ve left him. He said he’s telling everyone “the truth” and that he is “taking the blame for all of it” and according to him, the truth is that he “didnt pay enough attention” during our relationship and now I’ve gone because of it.
No mention of any of the abuse… he was basically telling me what he has decided the truth is and was instructing me to go along with it, because that is the story he is already telling people. Seeming noble by taking the blame for it all, but actually not acknowledging any of the real issues st all.
I’m just trying to stay safe at the mo, I will be more assertive about it all once I’ve left the house.
He is definitely manipulating me still, although I’m starting to wise up to it a bit.

[Pea2020]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me – he has the ability to confuse me so much, because like you, I confronted him about a year ago about some of his behaviours and the dynamics of our relationship and since then, he has actively changed a lot of his behaviours, so I thought I had got it all wrong, because he had changed! But I’m realising he hasn’t changed, he has just adapted the ways in which he manipulates me and actually has directed some of his more obviously abusive behaviours towards the kids instead.
After hearing about others experiences on here, I’ve realised how he is pretty much exactly the same as all the other abusive men, even if its hard for me to accept.
Well done for achieving all that you have this year, I hope your healing and recovery continues to go well.
I hope I can stay strong xxx

[Pea2020]

Thank you for your good advice. I find it so easy to start trusting him again! He has really been joking me back in by being pragmatic and reasonable about it all.
I’m going to be really careful and won’t say a thing now.

[Pea2020]

I did feel like he was threatening me with the “(detail removed by Moderator)” line.
It made me feel angry, because he is again feeling like the victim and not accepting the true reasons why I’m leaving, even if he has said to me he gets why I want to go.

He’s definitely trying to control me still, he’s just finding different ways to do it in the current circumstances.

Thank you, not long now and I’ll be out xxx

[Pea2020]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Its so so hard. The conflicting emotions make it feel almost impossible too, the guilt etc. I still feel like I’m about to abandon him, even though he’s made his choices.
The mix of emotions is really chaotic and draining. Sending you love xx

[Pea2020]

Thank you for your message @rose1 I’m so sorry to hear of what you’ve been experiencing, how awful.

Its amazing how sucked into the good times we get, he manages to trick me every time! I’m trying my best to wise up to it and stay focused on what I need to do to get out. Its so hard though. I still feel a strong emotional pull to him
Xx

[Pea2020]

Thank you @hawthorn for your continuing support and wisdom. You really do make so much sense.

I’m seeing things so much more clearly today and I know that once I’m away from him for good, there will be no doubt that I’ve made the right decision. I’m looking forward to growing in confidence with myself and my decision making. Xxx

[Pea2020]

I think this is what I’m struggling to get my head around the most – that what he is doing is all manipulation. I’m so used to feeling empathy for him, its hard to turn off and I’m feeling pain seeing him apparently in pain.

I will keep reminding myself of what you’ve said though. X

[Pea2020]

Thats awful! Mine was similar… I’ve realised recently that a big part of me is still stuck in my teens, because he’s taken over everything “adult” over the years. It makes everything overwhelming,. Knowing decisons up to me and only me, that I am responsible for myself and my choices. I’ve spent so long not having any real choice over anything important, that when people are telling me this is my decision, that no one can tell me what to do, I feel freaked out because I almost want someone to tell me what to do. It really is ridiculous.

Thank you for understanding x

[Author]

Posts