PinkandGlitter

[PinkandGlitter]

Thats true actually you do remember the good times even though they’re limited. I think i just miss pottering around the house cleaning and having a place to call home. Being in a hotel is harder than i thought. I expected to feel free but I dont and can’t stop thinking about him x

[PinkandGlitter]

Thank you again to each and every one of you for taking time out of your lives to support me. The information regarding police action was really interesting to read and I had no idea about it. I think due to his previous conviction (the one I know about – I still havent heard back re clares law) would mean I’d possibly have a higher chance of being believed but as you said, I probably wont want to report him. If things got too bad, I would call 999 and also have a safe word set up with my parents so if I need help they know to come and call too. I dont know how these men have a sense but since I did all of this secret reporting to police etc he has been fine tonight and has gone to bed early which is a huge relief for me. Admittedly he did tell me before he went to bed how lucky I am that he comes home to me every night which I had to laugh at in my head. It sounds awful but I’m almost waiting for the opportunity to call 999 so it will validate everything but I know how crazy that sounds. I have registered on a spare rooms site but I’m still not sure that’s the best way forward.. the battle in your head when you’ve had enough is horrendous! You cant just stick to it, having to doubt yourself and play the abuse down to stay put, I’m so frustrated with myself x

[PinkandGlitter]

Hi, as a newbie here too trying to get my head around everything I just wanted to tell you that you have literally described my partner too. Ironically as I read your post my immediate gut reaction was to tell you to leave him, but then I realised hes identical to my partner so I should take my own advice. I’m actually surprised because mine always jokingly bumps into me which also can hurt and does the same thing where I can sit crying and he just ignores me too so thank you for sharing this as it resonates with me.if theres 1 thing I’ve learnt using this forum it’s that these women replying are highly knowledgeable and actually care about each and every one of us, so dont ever be afraid to reach out again. Considering I’ve never met them they have been my rock as I come to terms with things and they will be there for you too. Sending all my love x

[PinkandGlitter]

That’s really good advice, I have just kept a screen shot of that to look at when I’m doubting myself. So I’ve spoken to refuge places and due to me earning a small amount they would charge me £180 a week for a room which is out of my budget. I’ve registered onto a spare room website where you rent a room with bills included. I havent done this before but I used to work for a letting agency so have some knowledge of renting. I think I just need a safe space where he cant find me to get my thoughts together. He kept having a go at me again last night saying how awful I am and how its gonna take him time to forgive me! Forgive me?! For what?! Unbelievable. The FOG theory definitely resonates with me and I need to put that aside and focus on me which is something I am terrible at. It’s weird one minute I’m so fixed on leaving and have everything planned in my mind and the next I’m looking around his house thinking how nice we’ve made it and that maybe it could work. But I know it cant 🙁 I dont know what I’d do if I didnt have you all keeping me on straight and narrow so thank you

[PinkandGlitter]

Ive literally been so fixated that I’m leaving and have been trying to seek refuge. He threw another tantrum tonight but I’m now sat here thinking I cant leave. He wouldnt be able to live financially or cook for himself. Neither of us earn much but we’ve always got by. How would he continue if I wasnt here to help? It’s silly things too like I’ve ordered things to be delivered to his house and I know it seems trivial but I’m really doubting this is the right step. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but what if be does do something to himself? Even though that would be his decision I’d never forgive myself. I just dont think I can do this. I’ve told my parents who are really supportive but now I wish I didnt

[PinkandGlitter]

Hi thanks for your replies. Yes she said shes put a marker so if I call it comes through as urgent but I havent heard of that before so wasnt sure what that meant. This is his house so they cant remove him. I said if I went anywhere he would just follow me unless I can go somewhere that he doesnt know but I cant afford to do that. The walls are thin so neighbours would hear, she did ask that actually but I assume because it’s not being investigated they wouldnt speak to them.
The officer said he has logged up with a history of DV but didnt disclose any details to me so I’m not sure if they contact you about that? X

[PinkandGlitter]

The The officer has just left, she was lovely and has experience of DV herself which was useful.
I agreed to log it but not to investigate so it is just on file and can be reopened at any time, she has graded my risk as medium

You were right about recording him she said it’s good to have incase I want them to investigate but her advice was to leave. There isnt any support to go somewhere like a refuge though which is annoying otherwise i would have gone, so as it stands I’m still here xx

[PinkandGlitter]

I’m not sure why I think they maybe dont have an officer available. Yes I have been recording him as it gives me something to listen to when I suddenly think he can change
I’m so grateful for everyone’s support on here. They said on the last phone call that the clares law might not reveal anything but that they need more information from me but I’m not sure what that means x

[PinkandGlitter]

Hi everyone it’s me again. So after all that worrying and panicking the police arent coming today now. I’m glad actually because I didnt want him to come home whilst they were here. They’re going to come either tomorrow or Monday depending on whether my partner is here or not. I’ll keep you posted. I feel relieved but not sure I should as no doubt I have the abuse to look forward to again tonight x

[PinkandGlitter]

Thank you everyone this is exactly what I need right now clear advice. Thank you to who posted the list of essential items. They still havent come yet, but I told them my partner could be home from work anytime. The last thing I want is for them to be here when he gets back. This has turned into a nightmare. I wish I just kept to speaking on this and didnt involve them x

[PinkandGlitter]

I’m still waiting for the police. I have no idea what is about to happen. They told me to pack a bag but I cant just do a moonlight flit. I’m so worried now x

[PinkandGlitter]

Sorry completely off track I called police to request application under clares law. They called back within a minute and said they are coming round due to his coercive behaviour. I’m massively panicking now. What the hell have I done? I was only looking for his DV past history and now they’re coming here. I cant stop shaking. Have you heard of this before? X

[PinkandGlitter]

I’m ashamed to say yes I have had counselling and also psychotherapy due to the abuse from my ex. I say ashamed because I should know all this but I’m still non the wiser because it’s so different to the first time. I’m on antidepressants and anxiety meds too (which he loves to use against me). Whenever I wake up in a morning after hes been horrible the night before and I’m upset he tells me to take my meds in a demoralising way. I just wish he could be supportive. I’ve stood by him through everything and tried to help, with his every little need and I’ve never had anything back. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I could walk out that door and not look back but I’m at my weakest when I’m single. I cant cope for some reason but I need to learn to x

[PinkandGlitter]

KIP your response has been a real eye opener for me. I have been reading Why Does He Do That and I’m honestly blown away by how similar some of these stories are to mine. I just dont want to have to admit what this is because I feel so pathetic that I allowed it to happen the first time and now my next relationship is just another form of abuse. I do sometimes think I am controlling because I’ve read about how partner give them the silent treatment, and this is honestly what I do. I literally cant handle the situation and just completely ignore everything he says just to hopefully show him I’m upset, but he tells me all the time that I’m controlling him and sometimes I think I do have those tendencies. I’ve spent this whole relationship telling family what it’s like then backtracking because I am afraid they wont like him. But I want them to dislike him. As crazy as this sounds I almost want him to physically hurt me because then I feel abuse is validated and I can finally leave. I dont know what support is out there for me. I couldnt go to any family members house because he would stalk me again and I’m afraid I’d put them in danger. I dont have children so really this should be seen as an easy escape, but I don’t know what to do. Hes at work again today and I’m afraid what hes going to be like. It’s either he comes in all woe is me and I have to feed that ego or he could start nice and turn later or he just comes in and starts drinking and then I know its world war. I’m sorry to keep asking you questions but your insight to this is really helpful to me as I’ve spent so much time looking into the typical and obvious signs of abuse, whereas this is alot more unknown and subtle to me. Is there any men out there who dont have these tendencies? I sometimes wonder if this is all there is and I should be happy he doesnt cheat or physically hurt me and I can accept the rest 🙁

[PinkandGlitter]

Hi thank you so much for your replies. In terms of his ex, they have a child so I’ve been the person in the middle dealing with all the contact so I do know she is absolutely a bad person too. You wouldnt believe things she accused me of which were completely unrelated to my partner. It made me ill trying to mediate between them so I had to give this up ages ago, but he (detail removed by Moderator) managed to agree new terms. I think what confuses me the most is how he can be calling me names on minute and the next asking for a cuddle or calling me babe. That seriously messes up my head and I’ve told him my mind cant flip like that. Thw one thing with him that I couldnt do with my ex is discuss things (when hes in right mood of course) and I can really tell him how he made me feel etc and he will be understanding of my feelings. Admittedly within an hour hes back to his normal self but for the small moment I have the partner I’ve always wanted. I like the idea of keeping a journal so thank you for that, it’s easy to forget alot of things so that will help me.
My family are aware of what he calls me etc but they just feel sorry for him because of his childhood and past experiences. His Dad is exactly the same but he seems to have grown out of it a bit, do you think theres a chance my partner might calm down?

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