pris

[pris]

Hi Hopingforabetter2023,
Thankyou so much for replying and apologies for the time lag. I’ve been in an odd head space and have been questioning myself about whether it was really as bad as I thought,reality feels difficult to cling to after he reframed everything. You’re so brave, well done for taking those steps, it’s so so hard.

I’ve been consumed with worry about him and incredibly upset about what he has been saying about me though I’m trying to remind myself it’s probably tactical. I don’t think I could bring myself to contact police unless something happened and I know it’s an awful thing to say I’m not scared in the least and would risk it all to see him so it’s good that he isn’t in the country yet. I’ve decided to see a councillor because I’m aware my thinking isn’t logical or safe any more and I still feel very much in love and responsible for him. The police are aware of him but he has no conditions or restrictions. I’m trying hard not to reach out and I’ve kept myself busy so far. Sounds as though you are beginning to heal and I’m in awe. It’s so helpful hearing from people who have gone through similar though I’m incredibly sorry that you have. I hope you stay safe and that his family leave you alone or atleast recognise that things need to be done through particular chanels. How are you today? I hope you’re safe and well x

[pris]

Thankyou both so much for your insightful, kind replies. I really do appreciate you and i think this is the most alone i’ve felt since this all began. for now he isnt in the uk but we lived together and his things and work equipment is all here waiting for him. i said i would keep it safe and hand it over if/when he returns. i put him on mute and he actually blocked me on other platforms as a punishment last week so heres very little chance of contact over the next day ow two. the last message was just incredibly sad and is making me worry about him but im trying to remember the awful things hes been saying even this morning. i cant seem to hold on to constructive anger yet. just loss and grief and guilt. i think its one day at a time for now and i obviously need to make an effort to try not to isolate over the next week(im bad for that). anyway, i hope youre both keeping safe and i really an grateful for your comments. its awful that youve been through this too but i feel less alone and delusional about things. xx

[pris]

Thankyou stronglife, I appreciate you replying. I think im trapped in cognitive dissonance where on the one hand i have hope and i really miss him and feel horrible that hes so angry and upset and on the other i know that this is escalating and its not ok to treat your partner the way hes treating me and its having a huge effect on me. i hope for change and cling to it but im scared about what happens when he comes back home. i feel like i know what i have to do but every fibre of my being doesnt want to and im really worried about him. i know its text book and i should probably speak to a councillor when i can afford to.i really appreciate the support and i hope you are safe and in a good place yourself x

[pris]

Thankyou Lisa, this is so helpful. I’m replying, in part, to sign post your links and references because it seems like this would be helpful for a lot of people. I’m really stressed today partly because I told people whats going on and now I’m frightened that I’ve ruined everything. He keeps saying that I look down at him and he cant trust anyone. He’s so upset and my instinct is to comfort but I think that it makes me look like I’ve actually done this stuff. Its just sad and I feel so guilty for saying any of this about him. He’s not a bad person he’s just hurt and seems to be seeing everything through a historical lens. I have great friends who truly understand but I love him deeply and am really struggling with what to do. I am rambling and its indicative of where my head’s at. My short term memory is gone and my concentration and sleep have taken a dive. I really just want to get through today with out any more accusations. I’ve muted my phone at least. I’m most preoccupied because I reached out to friends and I want to take it back. Thankyou again for your reply it’s really helpful. I hope you’re safe and well yourself.

[pris]

Detail7 I’m sorry you are in this position. Please stop blaming yourself. You’re in a very conflicted space and it sounds like both people inlvolved are trying to make you feel responsible and using your emotions against you. Both of these people are responsible for their own actions and it sounds like you deserve some kindness and support at this stage. Engaging on here should help, even if it’s to better understand your relationship/the nature of DV and how to get out. I hope you’re allowed some head space and your mum supports you and exerpts a little less pressure on you soon.x

[pris]

Hereforhelp- thankyou for replying. I’m sorry to be so late in getting back to you. I just felt guilty as soon as I posted and have had a few days of the gentlest version of my partner who is planning his return home soon.

The thing is I’m well read in DV, I even know people who work in the field. I have moments when I realise where he and I are and how absurd it feels but i think there’s some cognitive dissonance about the situation on my part. I feel hugely protective of him for various reasons and honestly doubt my version of reality when there’s been some time for things to settle. I want my dignity back though, I can’t go forward with a steadily diminishing sense of value. I don’t know why the loss of him/this relationship is so unbearable-when we split last year I was haunted by seeing him upset and knowing I had hurt him by walking away although I knew it was a matter of self preservation/survival at the time. I still hold on to hope but I dread another outburst/incident.

I really appreciate your validation of my experience and your clarity and advice. I’m having trouble not feeling hugely disloyal by being here. Anyway, I’ll try to be more engaged. Thankyou-I hope youre safe and well xx

[Author]

Posts