RavenPagan

[RavenPagan]

Hey, they sound like red flags to me.

[RavenPagan]

Hello Colouringinfairy

Your post made me feel really sad for you. I can totally empathise with what you are feeling.
Unfortunately true love and soulmates do not abuse us or hurt us.

I understand you missing him, the cycle of love bombing and then the abuse creates a trauma bond which is incredibly intoxicating. This emotional cycle can create very strong but destructive bonds.

I fell into this trap for a long time, I used to tell myself that most couples would be unable to endure the roller-coaster of our marriage and I chose to believe that this was because our love was real, our love was stronger and more authentic. It was not, it was abuse.

Please read up on traumatic bonding, as understanding how this works will help to break the spell.

I also recommend writing notes on all the abuse he has put you through. At one time I was unsure if I was actually in an abusive relationship and a friend told me to write a list of the horrible things he had done to me. Once I started writing I could not stop. I wrote 7 A4 pages in one sitting and his abuse included physical assault (punching, choking, trying to break my fingers etc), gas-lighting, isolation, lying, cheating, rape, violence towards my pets, and financial abuse….
And I had been convinced this was true love….

YouTube, Podcasts and reading have helped me get through all of this. The names I like best are Oprah Winfrey (Supersoul Conversations) Iyanla Vanzant, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton, Dr Michael Benard Beckwith, Dr Maya Angelou and Shahida Arabi. Ted Talks on YouTube cover all kinds of topics including abuse and are free to access.

You deserve real love. Real love is kind, real love is patient. Real love does not hurt us.

[RavenPagan]

Hello Woollymammal
It sounds like you are in a very difficult position. But you have left twice before, so you must be very strong. You are strong enough to get yourself out of this abuse. The first thing you need to do is trust yourself. You know you are being abused, that’s enough. You don’t need anyone else in your family to believe you right now. If your children are old enough to question you and challenge you- they are old enough to stand on their own two feet. Turn your focus inwards. You are not mad.
Use whatever resources you can to validate your experiences and to give yourself the determination to plan your way out. There is always a way out, but sometimes the fear of the unknown is more frightening than staying. Until one day, a line is crossed and no matter what – you will never return. This is the breakthrough, and you will be ok.

[RavenPagan]

Hello BumbleBee1000

It took me by surprise to read your comment. My ex would do something very similar. After pushing all my buttons and making me crazy, he would suddenly flip into this loving, joking and seemingly supportive partner. He would point out how I was so oversensitive, too serious, couldn’t take a joke etc. He would then tell me how he tolerated my behaviour because of how much he loved me. I had a sense of this manipulation before, but reading your post just brought me clarity, so thank you for sharing.

I think you already know that what he is doing is wrong, he is manipulating you and making you question your reality. He is abusing you. This type of abuse is very hard to deal with, and it makes you doubt your sanity, makes you think your crazy. I read a book called ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker and it is all about trusting your instincts to keep you safe. I found this book to be incredibly validating and it really helped me to value and trust my instincts. My ex kept telling me not to read it because it would make me afraid. It had the opposite effect, It helped me to begin trusting myself again.

Other helpful resources includes Oprah Winfrey’s podcast called ‘Supersoul Conversations’ they are free and can be found in the iTunes App or on YouTube.

Episodes I found especially helpful are:

1) The best lifesaving lessons
2) The best relationship advice
3) You Matter with Iyanla Vanzant
4) Your own truth

Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton and Dr Michael Barnard Beckwith are other great names to look up.
There is a world of insight, support and validation available to all of us. We do not have to tolerate abuse, we can go free. Trust yourself. You know you deserve better. Wishing you well x

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