Readytoheal

[Readytoheal]

Thank you so much, it’s been horrendous with every kind of abuse possible, he wasn’t and isn’t a nice person at all.. it’s been terribly hard and a very long marriage it spanned (detail removed by Moderator) decades.
I know I need to try to stay positive and my adult children would never talk to me again as they forced him out and made me wake up coz they’d had enough.
I really am trying to do better and to be better, I just get these odd days when I really miss him. I do know it’s the whole trauma bonding thing, I just wish my brain and heart could align once in a while.
I’ve yet to go through all the police and court stuff and I’m dreading it.
I was in a seriously bad way 7 months ago and am only just starting to get a bit stronger

[Readytoheal]

Thanks so much for taking the time for the replies and encouragement, I now have a support worker through oasis and am waiting for the next trauma therapy group to start. I’m willing to try anything if I’m honest, I know I need it.
Things have been so tough for so long and I just want to feel I’m okay. I have been given some information for joining the freedom project zoom groups but just haven’t plucked up the courage yet. I do know I’ve got to push myself a bit harder but really do lack confidence, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to do small talk somehow, I’m used to walking without looking people in the eye, (didn’t do wrong again that way) now I find it so difficult. Even just trying to catch someone’s eye to raise a smile is really hard to do, I’m doing my best to help myself and my kids do keep me going and make me want to succeed for them, they’ve put up with a lot including having to live with the fact of saving me after many suicide attempts, I never once wanted to die, I just didn’t want to feel anymore, it’s so hard isn’t it?
He even used to goad me into that when I was really low, he’d tell me everyone hated me and my kids didn’t love me, that I was nothing to anyone etc. it got so bad the last (removed by moderator) years. He got a kick out of trapping me in the house somewhere and forcing himself on me when we had visitors, his friends or family mainly. He loved the fact that I would feel totally humiliated having to face them after when he’d made sure they heard. I still feel totally ashamed and dirty.
I don’t want to miss him and the thought of him repulses me, I just think it’s the loneliness making it so hard now, I’d just love a friend to confide in or to be able to reach out too.
Sorry for saying so much I’m just trying to be brave and open is all.
That’s another thing I do, say sorry constantly coz I had too, to placate him.
Constantly say thank you a million times for any little thing or bit of kindness.
It’s all just so confusing, in my teens I was so loud and had so many friends, I wish I had been brave enough to leave long ago but I was just too broken 😞

[Readytoheal]

Hi, I have just come out of a (detail removed by moderator) year marriage with exactly the same treatment, he only left coz our 4 adult children made him. They had started calling him out on his treatment of me and had been telling me what he was doing was abusive and not right. I thought I had shielded my kids from the worst but they actually remember more than me? I am still feeling a need for him and also feel terribly guilty and ashamed for everything. For the last 7/8 years I have tried to take my own life many times, he would even goad me into that by telling me that everyone would be better off without coz everyone hates me anyway. He would tell me to stop trying to make myself a victim and just do it. Believe me I never wanted to die, I just didn’t want to feel as I did anymore, I was dying inside for so long. He used to use the kids against me and make me be responsible for any discipline, the kids used to see him as the nice one till they were old enough to understand the real truth. In some ways it was a relief that they see him but in others I miss him. He had taught me in all those years that I needed him for everything especially money, he made me believe I was worthless and unlovable, I still feel that now. It is so hard, he’s still texting me everyday all day, I blocked his number and now he’s emailing me constantly, the kids have all blocked him too as they want nothing more to do with him, that makes me feel totally guilty too, like I’ve now deprived them of a father. It is so very hard, I get where your coming from completely. It’s hard trying to build a life when you no longer have friends or family to chat too. There is only so much of the truth you can tell your children. He also used intimacy as another weapon and most of the time I had said no, how can I share that with my children, adults or not?

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