RebuildingMyLife

[RebuildingMyLife]

(detail removed by moderator) years when will it end!!

[RebuildingMyLife]

I just want him to stop. (detail removed by moderator) years of utter pain and fear. I feel and am disappointed by saying the system has left me down. During pregnancy (detail removed by moderator) I was too afraid to speak out and was only when his behavior escalated after birth. I cried out to the health visitor where she only submitted comments to court (proceedings are over now) because he made up allegations about my mental health and unable to care for baby, which was heartbreaking considering I’ve been a successful mum to other child who’s thrived and is a well balanced adult. I’ve told professionals and even asked permission to provide evidence and was denied and spoke up about how scared I am of this person and his inability to provide care to our child. When my child goes to him I cannot sleep until child is home safe. Since the start of him having our child they arrive home to me poorly and I am having to go to the GP every two weeks. I keep speaking up as they tell you to do and not to suffer in silence but I find myself suffering aloud where everyone has heard me and they seem to do nothing. I’ve received Bloom therapy which was helpful with getting over the first bit of leaving and taking back some control. I repeatedly been on the phone to the local women’s aids and the national number but I don’t seem to get anywhere. I feel im broken by the continued emotional abuse and I am so frightened to lose the child I’ve longed for and who is my center of attention. Why is this allowed to go on in the UK. He is now telling me that I am a bad mother a repeat to what he’s already told lrofessionals. There were no findings other than his where he was ordered to complete a partnering course and observation in a contact centre and the experience of the contact centre was terrible.

[RebuildingMyLife]

Thank you for all of your replies. I made the right choice leaving the perpetrator and have no doubts about doing the right thing for my mental health and child. To be in an environment of abuse is the worst possible thing and no doubt it would have been the worst outcome to stay, but I do understand why many women and men stay, really I do.

Without giving too much in-depth detail I was strong in protecting and fighting this monster and there are precautionary measures in place. I only meet him when others are present and never alone, because I am fearful of what he’s capable of. He’s not to text, or call my mobile and to communicate by writing only. Safe to say this avoids any further emotional or/and emotional harm to me. I’ve done intensive therapy regarding domestic abuse and I am so appreciative this was available to me. However, I’ve heard the practice has had to reduce the support offered because of funding issues. I know and continue with strong boundaries for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years. But, he keeps pushing and pushing. I haven’t acknowledged the text message as he has no right to contact me from a personal number or arrive at my home unannounced. I feel he’s escalating which began (detail removed by Moderator) to the current day. He’s now welcoming me to text, call and email him and if there’s anything I need I can ask. I believe I know what he’s doing, and sure it’s called hovering and love bombing. I don’t want him anywhere near me or allow him to speak to control me as he did when together. He brings gifts for me when I take our child to see him and it brings back the trauma. He use to hurt me emotionally and/or psychologically until I was so distressed and on one occasion (detail removed by Moderator) I was underduress. He lay on the bed next to me and was handing me, (detail removed by Moderator). I’m hoping the law protects me and that I’m going everything possible in the interest of our child but I DO have the human right to protect and prevent myself from experiencing physical, emotional psychological, and financial harm. And hope and pray what I’m doing to protect myself and child that it will not go against me. (detail removed by Moderator). Surely I’m allowed not to talk to him for those few seconds at drop off and right to give him an alternative communication platform. After (detail removed by Moderator) years I thought he would settle and understand that enough is enough. I’ve moved on and happiest ive been from the past (detail removed by Moderator) years of butter grief. My live is back on track and moving positivly forward

[RebuildingMyLife]

Please can anyone provide some kind of support, please? I take all responsibility of the situation. It’s been years I’ve done everything possible to keep him at arms length but still he continues and it’s mentally draining. He keeps pushing to talk when I have to meet him due to having children together. I’ve asked for communication in writing only to keep him away. (detailed removed by Moderator) he had messaged my mobile (of course I’ve blocked him). I believe he’s playing a tactic to use against me in the future. He’s pushing for me to talk go him whilst I meet for for minute so he sees his child. I don’t want to communicate for fear he make me say something without even realising it’s an incorrect answer. It’s left me exhausted by receiving the message (detailed removed by Moderator). He’s told me to think seriously about what he’s proposed that I need to start communicating verbally with him, that he wants our child, me and him to go for a day out. To go for a drive to talk about things. I don’t want to do the things he’s proposing but to keep things as meeting in a public place and communicating in writing it’s the only way I feel safe. Any advice would be helpful. I forgot to mention that he knows not to message me I. My private phone and insists I can call, text or email him anytime. Please help

[RebuildingMyLife]

Hi RedStawberry

Hope you’re ok and sounds as though from your post that you are healing. I would like to kindly offer you that it was not your fault for not seeing early warning flags at the beginning of the relationship. So many of us overlook red flags but being aware of a few can help when you feel ready to meet someone new.

The warning signs I overlooked were:

– On the first date in a restaurant he humiliated me.
– told me about his friend who was a womaniser but he wasn’t like that.
– (detail removed by Moderator) months into dating said that I was the most amazing woman he had met in his life. He loved me and had searched his whole life for someone like me. I was the love of his life.
– relationship moved fast. Use to put tokens/ presets at my doorstep without me reading he had been at my home.
– told him I was out with a friend for a pampering afternoon. He turned up at the venue.
– use to get upset if I didn’t reply to text messages or his calls quick enough.
-use yo video call to see if I was where I said I would be.
– would act strange around my friends and family (quiet) then tell me what they did wrong.
– bought an engagement ring (detail removed by Moderator) months into the relationship and shoved the ring in my face and asked if I would have wanted it (he never did propose).
– wanted to know how much I earned and about my home/assets.
– wanted to know the building I worked in and where I sat in the office (if I sat near a window location) still dont understand why he had to know this.
– wanted to know what route I took to work and told ne to use another route he preferred me to use.
– told me he had not been with a woman for (detail removed by Moderator) years because he wasn’t ready to meet anyone and had only ever slept with (detail removed by Moderator) women in his life ( he offered this information out of the blue).
– he insisted I opened my letter from my smear test to find I had HPV I was shocked he told me it’s nothing to worry about and that his ex-partner got it years ago ((detail removed by Moderator) years on without him I no longer have HPV).
– showed me expensive big houses he wanted both of us to buy and that we would find a way to afford it.

What im trying to say above is that tere are many warning signs we tend overlook, and especially at the beginning when is new and wonderful to good to be true.

We must educate ourselves and I now go with how my body reacts and feels. If something doesn’t feel right to walk away. This includes non-intimate relationships when meeting new people too.

[RebuildingMyLife]

It has been a year even more since my last post. In this time I’ve had great support from women aid which has helped me keep strong and stand my ground.

Although, I thought by fighting back and standing up for myself and my precious child that he would understand he needed to stop his behaviour. I’ve put up boundaries to protect my wellbeing that I will not accept his verbal queues and to write any matters or concerns by email or in a note book.

One occasion he ran at me with his car, I didn’t think he would run me over but to frighten me. Which he did but I withheld and hid my fear not to allow him to see. In (detail removed by Moderator) occasions since (detail removed by Moderator) he’s been verbal this is they way he frightens me. I have no one to ask to do the handovers and I’ve asked him ‘poliently’ to write an email with what he wants to say (instead of scaring me in a public hand over place.

Everyone said if I stood up to a bully they would leave me alone. When will the torment end?

I practice calming myself, meditation, have pampering sessions, breathing and try to claim myself but still he effects me. I don’t show him how he effects me though.

I still haven’t gained much weight and am embarrassed in the way I look (ashamed). My savings have gone as I had no choice but to take things legal 🙁

Anyone, please tell me some positive stories. I know people who abuse never change but there must be light at the end, surlh?

[RebuildingMyLife]

Thank you Hawthorn, for your comments of support.

I had a good life before meeting this person. And feel the life I once knew and loved has gone.

I am now enslaved by a person I tried to get away at the very start of the relationship. I will reach out to my GP and I must had shown signs at my (detail removed by moderator), as she said if I need anything at all she’s there to help. It’s just so scary.

The man I left use to say he had waited a life time to find me and that I was his love of his life. He use to also say (detail removed by moderator).

I was worried to contact CMA as I hadn’t had much contribution and he didn’t like it and he’s now withholding until a DNA test (detail removed by moderator). I can’t afford legal help and don’t qualify for legal aid. Hes ruining me and dosen’t care what impact he’s having on his child. I’m doing this horror alone except when others check in now and again to give their emotional support and of course the support here.

[RebuildingMyLife]

He is also threating me that I am not communicating with him directly. I’ve set up email only and mentioned no need to talk in the present of our child at handovers and suggested a contribution to a family app to communicate instead of email. He has now said indirectly that im not a good mother and and I need to be polite and courteous at handovers becusse I am not. I haven’t changed the way I engage over the year. I was happy when I collected our child and felt good about myself that day because I had just achieved something I had been focused on and it had successfully complete. He keeps wearing sunglasses during handovers and it makes me more freiengted of him

[RebuildingMyLife]

Hi Lisa

I tried to get in touch multiple times to the Womens Rights contact telephone number 020 London code since April 2021 and the phone line has a constant engaged tone.

Because of the persons nature and what he maybe capable of I will not put another person I care for in danger. I hoped the court would have approved my suggestion of the name third party and that our child should not be left alone but I failed to get across the importance, the reasons and whys. I feel the UK system has let my child and me down. I thought so hard to protect. And it seems money can buy even if it is wrong and of an evil intention. I want peace and to feel safe and ok. Will the police believe me if I tell them he’s stood meters from my home. I wasn’t quick to take a photo but I sent videos from (detail removed by moderator) to be told a crime has not been committed

[RebuildingMyLife]

Just want him to stop and really want this bad situation to end. I haven’t contacted the police or logged anything since last year because they didn’t help and closed the case. It made me feel terrible for wasting police time.

However, I can’t go on allowing him to harm me emotionally and psychologically. Buying gifts, sending personal messages, then scaring me whilst driving at my car a fast speed. The constant emails. I’m exhausted. I’ve been told to logged a report using 101 to keep a record. A few days ago I had a strange young man walk passed my front door, never seen him in the area before but was caught on the CCTV ive had installed I was scared and had to push myself out of bed to go and check my home was secure. There’s no need to walk passed my door only next door neighbours etc. I’ve had therapy to support abuse and tools were given to tackle and protect. But, they don’t seem to be working because I feel so frieghtned. I just want my life back before meeting this person.

[RebuildingMyLife]

Thank you for responding. I am truly sorry to hear/read of what this person has and is putting you through.

It seems not to matter if we’re nice or not they still seem to continue. I believe you’re right in thinking they continue to control and affect our mental health. I certainly won’t be going anywhere with this person alone. I’m too scared of him. He’s using our child as a form to continue his bad behavior as you said is also happening to you and your children. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and reading to understand bad behavior and abuse. You’ve reaffirmed that they require some kind of control over another person. But why I don’t have the answers but searching for the answers to why isn’t good or will help my well-being. I’ve put in place grey and yellowing rocking and still, he is pushing for more from me. I can not express how mentally and physically I’ve felt about receiving gifts from this man. (detail removed by moderator). I was advised not to return as this would indicate further abuse. Instead ive sold or given away. I pray our situations to improve how much more can we take after putting in place preventive and protective measures. My child cannot speak in sentences yet and I dread what they will tell me. I plan to keep personal things from my child so they cannot repeat things to the father it’s going to be tough though ❤️ P.S you’re right they cause distress was so upset about the (detail removed by moderator) and having to invite a stranger in my home. Never had that before.

[RebuildingMyLife]

Thank you for responding. I am truly sorry to hear/read of what this person has and is putting you through.

It seems not to matter if we’re nice or not they still seem to continue. I believe you’re right in thinking they continue to control and affect our mental health. I certainly won’t be going anywhere with this person alone. I’m too scared of him. He’s using our child as a form to continue his bad behavior as you said is also happening to you and your children. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and reading to understand bad behavior and abuse. You’ve reaffirmed that they require some kind of control over another person. But why I don’t have the answers but searching for the answers to why isn’t good or will help my well-being. I’ve put in place grey and yellowing rocking and still, he is pushing for more from me. I can not express how mentally and physically I’ve felt about receiving gifts from this man. (detail removed by moderator). I was advised not to return as this would indicate further abuse. Instead ive sold or given away. I pray our situations to improve how much more can we take after putting in place preventive and protective measures. My child cannot speak in sentences yet and I dread what they will tell me. I plan to keep personal things from my child so they cannot repeat things to the father it’s going to be tough though ❤️

[RebuildingMyLife]

I pray for the situation to get better. The trauma isn’t so bad but still I’m allowing him to cause worry and stress. Don’t wish for this to get worse be better. I wish for everyone not to experience abuse in any form. I think and search for answers to why some human being cause harm on to others.

I’ve logged reports to police they’ve been no help. What’s the point with logging more they do nothing. I’m keeping log of incidences that seem to happen most contacts and feel they are escalating since (detail removed by Moderator)

[RebuildingMyLife]

I pray for the situation to get better. The trauma isn’t so bad but still I’m allowing him to cause worry and stress. Don’t wish for this to get worse be better. I wish for everyone not to experience abuse in any form. I think and search for answers to why some human being cause harm on to others

[RebuildingMyLife]

Thank you ❤️

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