Shaishai

[Shaishai]

I have not seen my abuser since it finally ended. I moved halfway across the country shortly after. Although I’m now back about 30 mins drive from him, I still haven’t seen him. I am so scared of seeing him. I doubt he would know who I am if he saw me. I still panic about it and a lot of times I refuse to leave my house alone unless I’m going to work. I have no idea how I would react if I saw him. I almost worry that the fear of the unknown is worse than if it actually happens and I see him

[Shaishai]

Also, thinking you have nowhere to go. That you are stuck with him. I didn’t think I had any other option but to stay. I didn’t know about things like refuge. It was the early days of the Internet so I didn’t really know how to use it. I was too ashamed to admit how bad it was.

[Shaishai]

From my experience this is totally normal. My abuse happened a couple of decades ago and I have recently struggled with it. Partly because I burnt out and finally started to get help for it with someone I could actually talk to. Are you able to get counselling or other preferred form of help? It sounds like you have had a massive amount of stress to deal with lately. That can’t help. Have you been to your GP and talked it over?

[Shaishai]

I’m so sorry you feel like this. I still have days like this decades after I left him. It’s a massive thing to deal with but I promise it won’t always feel like this. There will be ups and downs. Have you had any form of counselling for this? That may help you at least process some of what you have dealt with.

We are all hear to talk to. Don’t let this keep you down. You are an awesome person, always remember that ❤️ x

[Shaishai]

Hi Bananaboat, I totally get you on this. None of my neighbours ever checked on me yet I know they could hear my screams and his shouting. My sister knew he would hit me but she never did anything either. She didn’t know the full details and how bad it was but that’s not the point. He threw me in the (detail removed by moderator) once because I had gone for (detail removed by moderator). I couldn’t sleep at the time. He found me and we argued, I saw someone watching it all. They watched him throw me (detail removed by moderator) and I mouthed help as our eyes met. They did nothing.

I do understand at times that people don’t want to get involved. But if they hear something then even just phoning 999 anonymously would help, or if they know us then a quick check in wouldn’t hurt. I don’t understand why people would ignore someone else being hurt.

[Shaishai]

It isn’t your fault. I still blame myself for everything I went through. My therapist always asks me if another woman said it was their fault for the abuse would I say to her yes it is your fault? I wouldn’t because I know it wasn’t their fault. It is hard to believe it for yourself though as it’s your emotions causing that belief. It’s easy to be rational about someone else.
I hope this helps you a little. It doesn’t always help me but there are times that I can believe it wasn’t my fault. Just not many times yet.

[Shaishai]

Sewing can be the most frustrating thing ever and take so long. But then, when it goes right it’s awesome. I made my son some shorts and a tshirt last night which he has worn today and loves it. It does cheer me up. Definitely try and do some if you can. It’s a bit addictive though lol xx

[Shaishai]

I like your meaning of it too. I don’t give myself enough of a break. I have started to do some sewing again. Made my son some clothes last night which has helped. I did need a stern talking to which is probably why I took it that way. Either way, I feel better for your advice and comments xx

[Shaishai]

Thank you. I’m not sure if you meant it this way but your first sentence was a bit of a theoretical kick up the butt. I have been looking at services to fix me without me doing the simple things like exercise and taking care of myself. I am happy to put the work in but I want them to tell me what to do.
I did some really tough work in my therapy and I need to keep going with it. Remember all the things my therapist advised and prove I’m not the person I thought I was. I’m not some pathetic loser (to put it mildly) like he said I am. He may have beat his negativity into me but its time for me to take back my life.

[Shaishai]

Thank you I had not heard of support line before. Will look into them

[Shaishai]

It was through NHS that I had therapy. I’ve since had a vulnerable adult report sent to social services, by the police, who can’t help but are trying to get CAMHS to take me on but they say I don’t meet the criteria. GP can’t get them to take me on either. I really can’t afford private even if I don’t pay much.

[Shaishai]

Hi Auriel. Yes I have spoken to them and they are working hard to get me seen properly. It’s just not working no matter what they try. I’m unsure of what to do now.

[Shaishai]

I hope you get onto counselling soon. I brought a wellbeing diary/journal from Tesco which had prompts of things to put. It included a positive bit of things from today I am proud of (or similar). I found that writing each section helped, especially thinking of things that I am proud of.

I hope you are feeling slightly better today. You have got this x

[Shaishai]

Thank you. It is just for me but it was done because I was considering ending it all. Because of this I am worried that they might look at my son too. They are due to call me tomorrow so fingers crossed it is OK 🤞🤞

[Shaishai]

Thank you for your suggestions. It’s really hard to think back a few decades to remember some of the rules. Also, I have probably broken a few since then. I know I spent years blocking a lot out from the relationship.

I am only just able to talk about it with a therapist after all these years. So it’s a slow process bringing up some things I have forgotten

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