songbird1

[songbird1]

I was searching for advice about another topic but came across your post and I had to check I hadn’t made it myself, it sounds so similar. Reading the responses has really shook me because I’ve never told anyone in detail before some of the things that have happened and honestly, I feel like I’m starting to get used to it. I hope you are thriving and happy, all these years later. Thank you for my reminder to keep going and that it is absolutely, 100%, NOT okay for anybody to treat me like that.

[songbird1]

Hi put the kettle on,

I wanted to share some encouragement and give you some of these 🤗🤗🤗

I was also with my partner from a young age and I’ve lost some friendships that meant the world to me, due to the psychological abuse and the making it difficult to nurture any other relationship. It’s so heartbreaking, at the time I didn’t see it happening but I look back now and grieve for the missed opportunities of my youth.

I am actually still with my partner and things have been so up and down. However its still possible, I have been mentally preparing myself for a while now and prioritise my life, relationships and interests so that I feel whole again. It took a lot of re-learning and research on how the abuse has affected me, speaking to people on here and reading similar stories, reaching out online anonymously and gradually opening up to people i can trust about what’s been happening.

 

It’s never easy and different for everyone, but I believe in you. Reach out anonymously at first, join online groups or forums like this one. Consider a therapist, someone who can make you feel heard. Invest time in you, find out what you love, spend time doing those things, find groups or communities that love those things too and form connections with people that value you for you are, in all your beauty ❤️

 

I don’t often comment on threads but I felt like I get what you’re going through,and it’s so hard to break those negative feelings about yourself, but there are people out there who like you, for who you are x

[songbird1]

I really should as I’m at breaking point, I just am very aware that my son is being upheaved every time I have to get away and whilst it’s better than staying here and witnessing his dad’s abusive and manipulative behaviour, I just feel like we can’t stay at families forever and will have to come back to the same, if not worse version of him. Never mind all the housework I feel like just leaving un finished, it will still be here and it will be me that has to break myself getting it done. Honestly feel like I’m going through a mental breakdown currently as I’m usually so good at masking and just getting it done for my sons sake, and taking him out so we can be out of the house. But (timeframe removed by Moderator) I am giving up, I asked (timeframe removed by Moderator) if he can take him out (timeframe removed by Moderator) so I could get some much needed sleep (I’m also fasting during ramadan and getting up early to eat and pray, staying up late etc) so I am exhausted. He said he would and yet (removed by Moderator). It’s exhausting because I work so hard making activities, going out etc to avoid screen time all the time and when I ask him for a little bit of help, it’s his first thing to do. I feel like screaming (removed by Moderator) with how despaired I’m feeling and I can’t even feel these feelings because I have to keep it together and be a good mum. I just want a bit of help.

 

Sorry for rambling I just have no-one to talk to and I’m tired of this. I’m sick of trying, I’m sick of existing in this miserable life that I have.

[songbird1]

Thank you so much for your replies, I’m reading them after another hard morning and I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear that validation that I’m not selfish or a bad person for still being here. I had a day to myself yesterday and I took myself into nature and tried to plan out my next moves, but it still feels hard to do. I just know I don’t want to spend my days, which have turned into years, like this.

In the perfect world I would love to kick him out but unfortunately I have no income of my own and wouldn’t be able to afford it, the only solution I can see is to sell our home and use my half for rent until I’m back on my feet. I have voice recordings and I actually played him one this morning, mid argument, in a desperate attempt to get him to realise what it must be like for us but no reaction. He was really nice to me yesterday, but when I told him I’m still upset he just acts like I’m dragging it on, how can it get better if you hold on to everything and it’s driving me insane because it’s him who needs to stop being abusive and then I wouldn’t be upset all the time? Because I wasn’t intimate with him last night he’s returned to his abusive behaviour this morning and again, it’s fault for ‘holding on’ to things. Is this narcissistic behaviour?

[songbird1]

Hey Penny,

I have recently read a book called ‘Living With the Dominator’ and it really helped me to clarify my out thoughts that my OH behaviour is abusive. I’m still with him but its given me more awareness to see that almost all his behaviour is abusive and I no longer feel responsible or guilty when he tries to manipulate me into feeling that way.

It’s horrible to feel like we are trapped but were not! We can live happy lives with good men who treat us well. Have a read and feel free to message me what you think! Sending you love and support xx

[songbird1]

Thank you for your replies, it’s so hard to know what to do because as I’m sure you guys know, he can be so charming and I do love him. I keep thinking about leaving the relationship, we are engaged, but each time I try to think about it I have so many thoughts in my head, what if I’m over reacting and I could actually have the nice life we’d planned? A house, kids. And I know this seems shallow but I’m scared of what my friends, well old friends, will think. I’ve beeb so fiercly protective over him for so long, against work colleagues, family and I get the sense people kind of suspect he’s controlling and I just feel like I’d be proving them all right. I keep thinking that if I work hard enough then it will be ok. And then sonething happens, like he has a really bad attitude or ignores me all day and then I think no, it would be impossible to have all of that with him and I’m back to square one, constantly fighting with myself. He also relies on me financially and its a big drain on me, one of the things that causes a lot of problems because he’s lazy I feel, he has a lot of obstacles in his way but hes made those himself and I find it harder and harder to feel sorry for him as the time goes on. Another tthing is he uses our religion sometimes to manipulate me and control me, sorry if I’m rambling on I’m just typing my thoughts. Sonetimes if I won’t ve intimate with him, becayse I just don’t feel in the mood most of the time because of the way he is, he then gets in a mood with me and says I’m not meeting his needs, and that in our religion its a womans job and she’ll get punishment for it, also uses the same manipulation to tell me that if a woman isn’t abidding to her husband and she deserves it, its okay for a husband to smack his wife. Now I’m new to the religion and I know that’s wrong and it makes me so angry that he is tarnishing an already widely criticized religion. Yet I still have a weird love for him, as if we just go together regardless of the crap, we can easily make up but mostly it depends on how he feels. I really don’t know what to do.

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