Tankgirl

[Tankgirl]

All that hard work to getaway…imagine those things happening now?! …after having the strength to leave. Trust your gut and stay away, he sounds awful. You did the right thing, for you and your kids x

[Tankgirl]

Hi there,
I think you did the right thing in finishing it.
It is so good that you are seeing the signs now and are not wasting any more of your life on him.
My husband makes me feel like that, the whole eggshells thing, waiting for the next thing that will set him off, feeling like i have to constantly reassure him or make him happy, and making me feel awful about taking time to be with family. Its all so wrong.
I managed to meet someone that made me realise that there is another life out there. I havent left my husband yet, and i am still in limbo about whether we can make it work…but the meeting i had with someone else, made me realise the possibilities. It wasnt the right way to do things….but it opened my eyes. I think the advice you have had from the ladies here is right, take time for yourself to process things, start to see your friends and family and take each day an hour at a time…it will get better.
I had a chat with an old friend today, she is an ex girlfriend of my husbands friend, she said to me that the first time she met me, over 10 years ago, i was crying on the steps of a pub, over something hubby had done…and here i am, all these years later, having been through trauma, and feeling crappier than ever….believe me, you did the right thing. Well done you, am proud of you for being so strong x

[Tankgirl]

Hi there janedoeissad,

It makes me feel sad that you are so unhappy.

I feel that sadness myself and then get angry at myself for not leaving or taking action.

I think my problem is that i long for the brief periods where everything is ok…they are few and far between now.

For example, i have been off work for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks when i did my back in. Its still uncomfortable but is getting better. I arranged to go and see my nephew, he is less than (detail removed by Moderator) miles away. I arranged this (detail removed by Moderator)2 days ago and mentioned it to my husband.

(detail removed by Moderator) i picked hubby up from the train station which is less than a (detail removed by Moderator) drive from our house…he hadn’t even been in the door 5 minutes and i have managed to piss him off.

I have been asked, “(detail removed by Moderator)“…with the added line of, “(detail removed by Moderator)” …so i challenged this. He wasnt happy about that.

Apparently, he knows i have not been well (1st week, fair enough…those were his words) but then carried on to say…”(detail removed by Moderator) (he has done the same as usual, and i have actually done the dinner for him coming in, every night, something he NEVER does for me)…he continued to basically say that he was trying to order (detail removed by Moderator) that we are selling, which is many miles from where we stay, going on about how selfish i am, how i can always seem to do stuff with family and not with him…it was my suggestion (detail removed by Moderator) to go to the pictures, he has suggested no activities and actually said, he couldn’t because i am not well….then he basically said that i am putting them infront of the stuff we have to get done, when am i supposed to spend time with him (this was when i suggested that i cancel lunch (detail removed by Moderator) and go see my nephew on (detail removed by Moderator))…and then went on to say, sunday is ruined because you have booked (detail removed by Moderator)lesson….it doesnt matter what i do….its wrong, and he makes me feel awful…i stood there, getting berated, he gets more and more annoyed, like you say, you say something its wrong, you say nothing…i said that if he had left me details, i could have organised things…apparently i shouldnt have to ask…

So, i congratulated him on the amount of time it took us to get to an argumrnt tonight, i went to my bedroom, he stayed in the living room….half an hour later, he comes in and states that he has sorted the (detail removed by Moderator)…..he isnt short of money…in fact he is very comfortable at the moment….so, what we have is a man that has decided to emotionally abuse me and make me very sad, make me feel bad about my family and question why the hell i am with him…for the princely sum of (detail removed by Moderator)!!

I know later there will be an apology….after he has made a statement justifying/saying exactly why he did what he did…so an empty gesture…

So, i have had a talk with myself…what is stopping me from leaving….

When he goes to sleep tonight, i am going to post it here and i think this has been the straw that broke the camels back…

I have to see the stark reality…he is not going to change, i have to accept that and shut up or accept that and choose happiness and freedom.

Please feel free yo private message me or contact me…i would like to help, by listening and supporting.

Thanks for your reply xx

[Tankgirl]

Those words of yours are going to stick with me….
“They suck the very life and soul from us. He is not your responsibility. His happiness is not your responsibility x save yourself.”

I cannot thank you enough, I am going to use this as my mantra. Xx

[Tankgirl]

Thank you so much for replying.
You are spot on. I like that terminology as well.
You’re right, if I had a friend that told me that story, I would be a friend to them and tell them my honest opinion, and it would be that life is too short, be you.

He makes me feel that I am the one causing the issues.

Not long after I posted, I had missed a call from him and he is on a train calling, using profanities and going on about how he had tried to order a cooker (for our flat that we are selling)…what a nightmare it had been and generally winding himself up, I just said, that maybe just leave it for now, there’s no rush, we can look at it tomorrow (thinking I was helping to calm things down, telling him not to worry) he took it totally the wrong way and started being a complete dick about it, I then did the cardinal sin of trying to explain myself…I
It’s like he thinks he can use me as a sounding board for ALL of his anger, and as a past friend said to me, “he is an angry,sad man and he isn’t going to change.” She was so right.
After my counselling, it made me realise, I am who I am, i’m not perfect, but I don’t go out to hurt people. Nearly everything about him is negative. He busys himself with innane rubbish to detract from dealing with his issues. He is obsessed with the fact that he says I don’t respect him and treat him like an idiot (I am being polite with my wording here)
My personality type is drawn to broken things, he admitted to me that I can’t help him. I have to get over the fact that, because he can’t/won’t make the changes needed to grow in our relationship, I cannot put my life on hold waiting for it to happen.
And you are so right, I feel obligated now as well. With his mom and dad both dying within 2 weeks of each other (they had been split up for over (detail removed by moderator) he was very close to them both, now he says he is totally alone, but he still hasn’t made any changes.
Some of the anger outbursts are reflected in his driving, which has terrified me, especially when I am still suffering from PTSD from a motorcycle accident last year. He also does the whole slamming doors, muttering and swearing under his breath, throwing things around d, not to mention the way he conducts himself in public, being overly loud and swearing.
I asked him one time, would you say/do this in front of your work colleagues or a friend? He just looked at me.
He hated me going g to a counsellor. She gave me strength and I could see that he didn’t like that.
I spoke to a friend today, she advised I write it in a letter if I feel I cannot talk to him. I tried to break up with him before last Christmas, I brought up the issue of our lack of relations. He took no notice, which is why I did what I did…he still blames me for it, 100%, like he has had no input in me getting to that point.
I have started to look at places I can afford to rent and the practical things. Our flat is getting sold, so the money could be easily split, and I cannot be bothered arguing about getting a car….last time I left he ran in front of the car to stop me leaving and told me to get my parents to collect me because I wasn’t having a motor. I am willing for all the details to get sorted afterwards, but I don’t feel that I can start the conversation with him without him going into the usual speil.
He agreed when we got back together, to see how it goes for a while, and if we don’t get on, we just need to call it a day. Whether he does that..,
I mean what hope have I got when even his mother used to say, “I don’t know own how you cope, he’s hard work.”
He was very good to his parents and is a great friend to people, I just don’t know why he seems u able to stop being a dick around me….then I realise, it’s because I let him. I feel really pathetic. I know it can’t go on.
Thanks for your reply, it means a lot. Xx

[Tankgirl]

*nightshifts…sorry for any other typos!
Point was, he packed me off to bed so he could go on the computer for porn every night, yet he wouldn’t come near me, I was in my late (detail removed by moderator) at the time, a size 10 and when I think back, we only really had sex regularly for the first year….that should have been the biggest red flag. We had wanted to get together for years, but I was with someone, and he had a reputation as a ladies man, which he said was nonsense, but he didn’t correct anyone. I don’t know why I hold onto this, when it is obvious that things have moved on.
I am dreading Xmas and new year this year, as he lost both parents this year, and that was about the time that I wasn’t faithful. I feel that I might see how that period goes, see if I am proved right and take it from there…is that sad?! Xx

Xx

[Tankgirl]

Thanks for those words.
When I left for a few weeks after my indiscretion, the weight lifted from me.

Some words that he said that stayed with me, and he has used them before, are, “(detail removed by Moderator)”

I questioned him about it when I moved back in, he said it was just something he said, but he has said it before. Makes me think he is very capable of being more unstable.

He came back from counselling (detail removed by Moderator), I asked how it went…he later came out with, “(detail removed by Moderator)” I had to stop myself from bursting out and saying something! I made an excuse to get a drink from the kitchen.

As I am off work (detail removed by Moderator), I will call a solicitor. We do own a house together, it will be on the market soon, the only other assets are the cars…but I don’t care about that at this point.

I appreciate that I am in a much better position than most, but your looking at it with fresh eyes makes me realise that I make excuses for him and I am actually allowed to be happy. I had a taste of it, and it’s not too much to ask for. Like you said, he makes no effort, what was he expecting. I stuck by him through it all, I am just getting to the point where the resentment doesn’t eat me up every day, but now I feel that he totally takes me for granted and makes me out to be the cause of his issues.

I was on the verge of contacting his counsellor to say, well, to say can you ask about the anger, the porn addiction, the low self esteem, the depression….but look at me….trying to sort it out…you’re right, he is not my responsibility…..that’s where I have to look at my own personality traits and realise some of them are doing me no favors.

I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to reply.

I will contact women’s aid as well.
Tonight I started organising paperwork, it makes me feel like I am a step closer to sorting out the practical stuff.

Thanks again- you give me strength. Xx

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