Tian

[Tian]

Hello Walker123,

It seems to me that’s exactly what we do. We numb ourselves to our emotions just to survive in an abusive relationship. Then you get out and the feelings hit you like a sledgehammer.

I went to stay with a friend. I didn’t leave her house for the first 3 weeks. I just sat and did some hobby stuff all day, every day. I remember making phone calls, crying, filling in forms and crying some more. After a few weeks the crying stopped but I still just sat and did comforting hobby stuff much of the time. There were good days, and there were days when I just wrapped a big blanket round me and watched videos.

It passes. Talking to people who understand helps.

Stay here and keep talking. Xx

[Tian]

Hi put the kettle on,

I am really sorry that you are going through this and I can relate.

For the last several years of our marriage I worried that my husband was depressed because he was miserable and mean to me. I thought back (years back) and thought, he used to do nice things, so he loves me, right? Right?

I had an Aha! Moment just recently and, honestly, it was chilling

I realised that most of those “nice gestures” were done when someone else was watching – a woman he might want to sh@g in the future (or at least stop me from making an ally). He forged a trauma bond with me by making me think these bits of performance art were love and The mean and miserable phase wasn’t a midlife crisis – it was just him dropping the play acting.

I don’t think a change for the better is likely in most cases because, what would be the payback?

Bit of a tangent there, hope it was of some use?

Stay strong and put yourself first xx

[Tian]

Hi unicorn123,

I am so sorry you are going through this.

First of all this isn’t advice just what I did fwiw.

I was advised by a friend to ring the police on (number removed by Moderator), report everything and get an incident number, while things are still relatively calm. Because these cases can escalate VERY quickly and when you need to phone 999 you may not have time to fill the responder in on the background. If you can say “re incident no x, s**t has just got real, he’s screaming at me and I’m very scared” then they can look it up and go “oh yeah, do this NOW”.

I did follow my friend’s advice and am very grateful I did.

Stay strong and take good care of yourself, you deserve it xx

[Tian]

Oh dear, I can relate.

My kids are barely speaking to me because they can’t forgive me for saying their father abused me. I haven’t even tried to discuss any particulars, using the A word was enough to get me cancelled.

Trying to make new friends has been almost impossible. I’ve tried to hard to mask, but within 5 minutes something slips out like “I don’t know what TV programmes I like, I wasn’t really allowed to watch it” and then I see the reaction and think “oh yeah, abuse”.

I don’t have any wisdom to share. Just that a) healing takes more time than you might want it to, b) your nearest and dearest probably can’t deal with seeing your pain, and c) random strangers probably won’t believe you so d) find people who will.

Stay strong and love yourself, we believe in you xx

[Tian]

Oh, shoot. My husband spaffed away tens of thousands of pounds over a fairly short period and I never did find out what he spent it on

A gambling problem? Personal services? A side family? Whatever it was, I and my kids lived in borderline poverty for over a decade while he paid it off. It was so humiliating not to be able to afford new clothes for them, at any point in their childhood. I scrimped and saved, all the time wondering what he was spending his money on

Stay strong and put yourself first xx

[Tian]

Glad I’m not the only one with the stress incontinence 🙄

Also the irritable bowel

[Tian]

Occasionally when I catch myself thinking “Why did I fall for that?” I remind myself that a) I have watched him turn on the charm for literally dozens of women and fooling almost all of them (and carefully avoiding the ones he couldn’t). He is very good at it. And b) he didn’t start to ramp up the controlling, contemptuous behaviour until I had agreed to marry him, give up my career and have his children . I got suckered by someone who works very hard at making women dependent on him.

Let us be kind and loving to ourselves 💟

[Tian]

Hi Calypso,

I am so sorry you are in this situation and feeling this way.

This is not advice you understand, no one can tell you what you should do in your unique situation.

I left, and yes, all the stuff you fear kinda happened.  I hated him until the hatred burned itself out. Now I’m starting to feel….pity? Because he’s stuck in the past and I am facing the future.

What helped me most was a) keeping a journal and b) thinking every day of all the things I had to be grateful for in the present and the things I wanted in my future. It was hard work. But not as hard as staying with him was.

Hope this helps. Stay strong and love yourself xx

[Tian]

Hi again sandybeach,

Oh, and this seems to be a common thing from what I’ve read:

They work out through trial and error what is the absolute minimum you are prepared to tolerate. Then they give you just a smidge less than that. Somehow they train you to tolerate that. Rinse and repeat, over years and years if they can get away with it. Why? I don’t know. But it only ends when you refuse to go any lower. Then they act astonished. They aren’t surprised that you said “no more!” They are only surprised that THAT was the point you put your foot down.

Stay strong you lovely person xx

[Tian]

I can relate to what you are both saying.

I had a bit of a moment recently. I had been remembering how a group of my friends and I used to meet up for coffee. He would show up and be so nice, it was like a date and the high point of my week. I thought, what a nice man. My marriage must be fine.

Just the last time I thought about it I realised what he was doing. He was playing up to my friends so that, if I ever told them how trapped and hopeless I really felt, none of them would believe me and none of them would offer to help me. It worked too.

When I told him I was through, I watched his persona shift. He went from Lord of the Manor to Sauron The Destroyer in about 48 hours. Later he went through Haughty Privileged Guy and seems now to be in Abandoned and Confused 10 Year Old Looking For His Mum mode. I don’t think he knows who he really is.

Very few people are willing to believe my account of what he was like behind closed doors. Some might look at the bewildered guy not dealing with stuff and wonder.

Stay strong and put your self first xx

[Tian]

Hi EvenSerpentsShine,

Yeah, that.

I wish I had a doughnut for every conversation that went “but WHY would he….?” I answered “because he is batpoo crazy” and they assumed I was ….batpoo crazy myself?

Because for decades I helped him hide the crazy.

Now I’m not there I sense he may be spiralling. But who knows? The main thing is, I’m not there.

 

[Tian]

Hello Happybelle,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

I had friends. They helped me leave. Then (I kid you not) a couple of months later they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t over it and living my best life.

I have learned not to talk about my past with new people. But it doesn’t stop them prying. My newly-hatched boundaries are pretty flimsy so I end up in tears pretty quickly into a “tell me all about your family” interrogation. One day I’ll have the strength to rebuff them but right now I am, at times, a bit of a soggy mess.

I think (from what I’ve found the strength to read) the first 2 years are always likely to be rocky, then year by year it should get better

Stay strong and take care of yourself xx

 

[Tian]

Hello sandybeach2025,

I am not a lawyer so this is only my opinion you understand.

These days apparently there is only one requirement for filing for divorce and that is: you want a divorce. You are in a situation and you don’t want to be in it any more. That’s it.

Hope this helps and stay strong xx

[Tian]

I am, many months out of my relationship, still ashamed to admit how many DECADES I let that man….ack I can’t even. Yes he made horrible threats which he did, indeed make good on in the end. But still, do I have no backbone?

They mess with our heads. They find all the people we love and trust the most on this planet and they mess with their heads too, until we are hurting and no one sees it.

We are not weak. They are sick.

Stay strong xx

[Tian]

I also have written pages and pages about what our relationship was actually like.

I think at one time, desperate for validation, I even showed some of them to the people who assumed our relationship was wonderful and refused to believe me when I stopped pretending. That never went well so I stopped doing it.

Many of us have had similar experiences so we believe you and understand how confusing it feels.

Stay strong xx

[Tian]

Ah, ours was the perfect family apparently…..until I spoiled it all by calling the police and telling them the truth. I “broke up our lovely family” so I’m told – but at least I’m safe now.

We all deserve to feel safe in our own homes and if we don’t, we have the right to do something about it.

Stay strong xx

[Tian]

Hello TulipPower,

I’m so sorry you are in such a painful situation.

In practice, the label “abuse” Vs “really rubbish relationship” doesn’t make much difference – unless you are looking to be housed by your council due to domestic abuse (that is a thing).

My situation was very similar to yours. At one point I was our main and only wage earner, but it didn’t give me any independence. He simply took my money off me as soon as I earned it because I had “no head for money” apparently.

Maybe you aren’t as stuck as you think you are? Feeling stuck is a major  symptom of trauma bonding so I’ve read. It’s surprising what help really is out there.

Stay strong and take care of yourself xxx

 

 

[Tian]

Hello and welcome Hamster16,

I took understand. I grieve for myself and also for my kids. I wish they could have had better.

I understand that grief ends. But to get to the end we have to, you know, sit with it and feel it all the way through to the end.

Then I guess we are free to access the good memories.

Stay strong xx

 

[Tian]

Hello all,

HappyBelle I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. I can understand that you feel very tired.

After a few months out I realised I had developed a stammer, a nervous twitch and a droopy eyelid.  I thought of them as combat scars. After a few more months they went away. I guess our nervous systems have to reset themselves? It must take tremendous internal energy, and also a period of time. So I guess the best we can do is eat right, drink water, get fresh air, take naps and keep our commitments minimal.

If anyone knows more about the neurology side I would be interested to hear it.

Also: I guess the tiredness will come back for a while each time we hit a new stage of having to deal with things. Like, you know, selling the house.

Take good care of yourself and stay strong xx

[Tian]

Hello NoMoreAbuse25,

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all this. I can sympathise with the family that looked perfect to outsiders. I always felt like we were the family of swans, swimming majestically on the lake. No one saw the webbed feet paddling frantically underneath to keep it all afloat.

My personal experience (your mileage may vary) is that there were people who yummed up the stories of how our “perfect” family was actually dysfunctional. They ate so much of my unhappiness that they ended up making themselves feel sick. Then to make themselves feel better they started hinting that I was actually making bits up, exaggerating a bit, “just kidding”. I was so desperate for their validation that I showed them my proof. That just made them feel sicker so they got crankier.

Now I’m like the guy in the film I haven’t seen (someone please tell me where the reference comes from?) snarling “The truth? You can’t handle the truth!” Well, in my head anyway. I save my story for people who can understand and have empathy. People in support groups, people who have been trained in this stuff, people who know what it actually feels like.  The ones looking for a misery feast can watch a film or something.

And here’s the funny thing: the more reticent I become, the more people seem to believe me. Which completely sucks since at the start you NEED validation to process what has happened, and you believe that if you don’t explain you can’t be understood. I wish I’d sort out support groups and chatlines right at the start and got proper validation and empathy instead of just being feasted on.

Well done for coming here and stay strong xx

[Tian]

Hi Swanlake,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. My situation is similar in many ways. My only consolation may be that my adult kids discarded me so hard that HE can’t use them to get to me without it being very obvious. He had told them all kinds of b******ks which they may or may not believe. Either way they know that if any of them look like they might side with me, not only will he punish them hard, the others will punish them too. So, at least there is a clear line between the two sides. Them on one side, me on the other. Whatever they may actually think, that’s another matter and maybe something I’ll find out later on.

Someone on this forum said something that gave me unexpected hope. They said: their other half was so afraid of truths coming to light that they didn’t fight back much in the end.

Now I’m wondering which is stronger: his desire to hurt me or his fear of letting me tell my story. Time will tell I guess.

Stay strong xx

[Tian]

Hello skylife,

I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

I can relate to much of what you say.

I’d like to come in on the point of asking for forgiveness. I have had 2 abusers in my life who yummed up apologies like a kid yums up sweeties. Always demanding more, often for something that they had already “completely forgiven” me for.

Apologies and forgiveness may be very important to you, but to an abuser they are just toys to use in their power play.

When I said “no, I am done apologising” the subsequent tantrums were very revealing – exactly the rage that you would expect from a sugar-deprived child.

Stay strong xx

[Tian]

Thank you all for your understanding and support.

I have been going back through my journals. I am so glad I started a journal when this all kicked off, because without it I would be constantly gaslighting myself and saying to myself “surely that couldn’t have happened”. When I go back through the books I see exactly what happened, when, how I felt and how the people around me reacted. It’s a very powerful tool for seeing  reality.

Anyways.  So IT happened, my friendship group were helpful, “sorting me out”.

Then I started to feel more confident and made some decisions without running them by the group first. Then things changed. The kindly ones used kindness, the unkind ones used unkindness. But they were all trying to achieve the same goal, to get me to go along with the group without setting any personal boundaries or making my own decisions. When I (respectfully, I thought) didn’t change the choices that caused them  mental discomfort I was thrown out of their group. It’s creepy to such a thing about friends and relatives. But it’s right there in my journals.

I have a new support network now where people are expected to respect each others’ autonomy.

Take care of yourselves xx

[Tian]

Thank you for your kind words EvenSerpentsShine.

On reflection I think I made a mistake using my relatives and friends as a support group. That was something they were not OK with.

Eventually I searched up support groups and joined whatever seemed appropriate and, after a few weeks of meetings and forum posts, I think I’m better able to separate out “people who care” from “people who really don’t” and adjust my expectations accordingly.

I make mistakes nearly every day. But I am at least talking to other human beings on the reg now. That’s progress …right?

[Tian]

Hello lostcomet , hello EvenSerpentsShine,

I am so sorry you have both been through all of this.

I think you are both describing “trauma bonding”, otherwise known as Stockholm Syndrome? It is a standard methodology in ….erm, how do the mods feel about the T-word? Coercive control. We can end up feeling more lost and alone after the breakup with an abuser, and believe that only validation from our abuser will make us feel better. It can (apparently, can’t remember where I read it) take years of therapy (deprogramming) to break such a bond.

There are lots of podcasts and videos out there for those of us trying to make sense of the muddle in our heads.  you might listen to a few and see if any speak to you?

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗

[Tian]

Hello and thank you for your kind words Swanlake. Yes, the school’s response was baffling. I went and had meetings and they told me to my face how little they cared about what was happening to my son. At least I got it all in writing should I ever need to show the court how hard I was trying to protect him.

Eventually, surely, they will look at him and think “Damn Dad, you are a mess” but whether they reach out to me, that’s out of my hands.

You take care of yourself xx

[Tian]

Thank you for your kind words Lisa.

I spent (number removed by Moderator) months not really talking to anyone and it was tough, but I confronted a lot of dependency issues.

I decided last month to come out of my cave. Joining this group was part of my decision to build myself a better support network.

I no longer rush to share, because I have less need for validation. I’m more like “I will tell you my story, bit by bit, only as I deem you worthy to receive it” and that seems to make me a little bit of a badass 😁

[Tian]

Thank you for your kind words Lisa.

So far I have not met anyone who has experienced this, no one who can imagine it, few who are prepared to even believe it. So it would mean a lot to hear from people who have, can and will.

I understand that all this has been difficult for my kids, but they surely can see that their way of dealing with it is unhealthy and ….. just wrong.

When I was homeless none of them texted to ask if I was ok or even safe. That’s cold.

 

 

 

 

[Tian]

Hi Lucy,

 

I’m sorry you are feeling this way, but it’s normal, at least if my experience is anything to go by. It took a year before I didn’t get a panic attack at the sight of swans (don’t ask), and conversations with people who didn’t know my background were very difficult during this period.

It wore off during the second year, though I can only relate to new people by marking off large areas of my past as “I don’t talk about that anymore”.

I think we need to give ourselves a lot of time and understanding.

 

Hope this helps, virtual hug

[Tian]

I did try to educate my sons about the dangers of male privilege, and how to be a good man in today’s world.

Unfortunately, they took a good look at their father, and their father’s friends, and formed their own opinions.

I don’t know how we can fix society when society doesn’t want to be fixed.

[Author]

Posts