tiredofitall

[tiredofitall]

I don’t know what I’d do without the support on here. You remind me of what I’m capable of and what’s important.
I need to set these boundaries and keep them, for my own sake.
It was tough getting here and I don’t want to lose that freedom.

[tiredofitall]

Thank you so much for taking the time and the support. I hate how he is still in my head, making me question myself. But you are right, I do need to protect this space I’ve created for us no matter how hard it feels to have to stand up for myself again. I fully get where you are coming from too about the boundaries starting to blur and they push and push. I think I do have to maintain the lines I set when we split up. Thank you for reminding me of that. I think I’m so used to my decisions with him being questioned that I wanted to be sure that this was something I could stand behind.

Also reassuring to know that I’m not the only one with wobbles.
And small pats on our backs for getting better one day at a time.

xx

[tiredofitall]

Hi – so many things resonate with me. My ex also could not keep a job, he always either had disagreements with management (because they were rubbish) or had mental health issues which he refused to address.
He also got us into a load of debt because he couldn’t kerb his spending and because he wasn’t honest with me. He had framed himself as responsible and in charge but it became clear as time went on that I would have to be in charge. So I found myself the bread winner, the person who did all the housework – he did some things occasionally but would need to be thanked and appreciated for everything he did, the person who sorted out all the bills, the providers, who took care of the kids, organised childcare, made sure they had all their school stuff sorted and did a full time job. He wanted a life style that he could not or did not want to provide for and got angry with me if I reminded him of the fact that we didn’t have money for holidays because he wasn’t working. It was never his fault. He was not one of these people who would do anything to provide for their family. In fact, the opposite was true.
I was also very young and naïve when we got together and I was too far in to be able to get out when I started to realise.
Anyway, just to say well done for taking these steps.

[tiredofitall]

Hi, my own personal experience is that sometimes he would accept his part in the relationship not working but always he wasn’t able to maintain it for a long enough time because deep down he didn’t believe any of it was his fault.
I also knew that I had reached a point that even if he did change, I would never be able to trust him or be vulnerable with him, because of all the times that he had hurt me. I honestly felt that all the times I begged him to stop being so hurtful and that fell on deaf ears, like he didn’t care – I just couldn’t moved past that. He wanted us to go for couples counselling when he knew I’d made my mind up, but I absolutely knew that I didnt want to try.
Only you can know if its too late for you – if you’ve been hurt too many times. Its ok for you to feel that way if it is. You also need to feel that you can tell him how his behaviour has affected you and know he will listen because if the relationship has any chance of survival – he needs to own that. Do you think he will?

Its also ok if you feel like you have to give it one more try. It took me many many many years and lots of giving him chances to change before I was ready to believe I had tried everything I could. So when I did end it, I had no doubts and I didn’t feel like I hadn’t tried.
I hope that makes sense. Trust yourself, listen to yourself.
Sending hugs x

[tiredofitall]

Please don’t stop posting. We are all here for you and understand. The problem is the other people in your life don’t get it. And people can be selfish onky thinking of themselves. It’s not a reflection on you – it’s them. But people like us are pleasers so we feel it so much when we think we are letting people down. But you are doing the right thing by working and doing something for yourself. You need that one thing. Don’t give it up. And keep coming on here. I’m always looking for your posts to see how you are doing. Sending a virtual hug x

[tiredofitall]

Hi, hope you are doing ok. And well done for taking control – its small steps that will help you keep going. I can relate to the constant turning on you even when you are on their side. They get frustrated and angry and all of a sudden its your fault or you didn’t do enough or whatever! And I totally understand about the arguing back…its takes the patience of a saint to sit there and listen to accusations and lies without wanting to scream. Honestly, I didn’t recognise the person I had become when I was with him. I’m not an argumentative person usually and I’m generally pretty easy going and relaxed but somehow he made me so frustrated that I couldn’t help it.

The reality here though is that since we’ve split, I haven’t been that person at all. There have been hard times and stressful times and never once have I behaved the way that I did when I was with him. It tells you something doesn’t it?

I think he must have enjoyed the drama, the arguments, spinning things and watching me break – like he kept pushing buttons until he had found one that pushed me to react and then he would stand back and be like, look at you – no wonder I’m so unhappy! The injustice of it all!

I stopped taking him to family dinners with me. He always caused an agrument before we left so I was on eggshells for the whole thing so during the last few years, I just went on my own with the kids. I just started to take control and live my own life because he just brought drama to it. Just make sure that you keep seeing your friends and keep that support and if you can share with people you trust – just a bit – that will really help too. I had one friend who I told some things to (not all of them) but her unwavering support kind of shone a light on what was happening and slowly helped me build the strenght to do something. That took a long time but it was so worth it.

Sending hugs x

[tiredofitall]

We all do this. The amount of times I said I was leaving and I didn’t. The amount of times I felt like I couldn’t take any more of the emotional rollercoaster but I did. Don’t be disappointed in yourself. Its so incredibly hard.
You can’t love him the way he thinks he deserves to be loved but are you being loved the way that you deserve to be loved too? Nothing we do is ever good enough because they move the goal posts all the time. And they don’t want to resolve, work things through and get better. For some reason, they seem to be happier when they are in conflict or making us upset. I swear my ex was not happy unless he was making me feel bad.
There is some good advice already and I agree, that it really helps to change the focus of your thinking from him to you. I had some counselling a few years before I left and I was trying to find ways that I could make things better between us and the counsellor was quite direct but it hit home. She said we can’t change his behaviour, that is not in our control. So we focussed on all the ways that I could regulate my emotional responses to reduce the amount of stress I was feeling but it really opened me eyes to the fact that I could not change anything that he did. It was all in his control and he was choosing to watch me cry and live in despair and fear and he wasn’t bothered by that at all.

[tiredofitall]

I could have written that post myself, it describes my life so much. I don’t have an answer either. For me, it was like my eyes slowly opened and the more I read about abuse and about narcissism and the more posts I read on here, the harder it became to believe that it was my fault. For so many years I believed it was me, that I was the reason he got so frustrated and that meant that I could ‘fix it. It took a good few years working through all of that and finally getting to a place where I believed in myself enough to be able to detach the guilt away. I did feel guilty for ending things but I refused to allow myself to dwell on it because thats how he always got into my head – by playing on my guilt and manipulating my need to make things better.
He is in a worse place than me now we are separated but I remind myself that I would never have ended things if he had behaved differently and he had that chances so many times. I would have settled for way less than perfect but even that was too much for him. So now this is my turn to put myself and the children first and I refuse to feel bad about that. I believe we deserve it and we really tried to make things better with him included but he didn’t want it. He wanted to stay unhappy.

[tiredofitall]

Hi, for me it was about 5 years from when I really started to accept things were never going to be good. I’d always hoped that something would happen and he’d realise what he had was worth trying for. But he couldn’t maintain it. I had no plans to end things but day by day I just started seeing things differently. Didn’t want to believe it. Searched online for ways to help. Had counselling to see if I could find ways to respond that would prevent the arguments.
I also had no plan to end it on the day i did. It was no worse than anything he’d said before but a switch flipped and I thought no more.
He didn’t believe me but I knew in myself I meant it.
x

[tiredofitall]

Welcome to this site, please be reassured that what you describe is not trivial or silly and you should come on here as much as you like. We all understand and are here for you.
It sounds very scary and I know most of us have lived or are living in a state of permanent anxiety in our own homes. It doesn’t have to be like that.
Its easy to say but I think you might find talking to your local womens aid helpful. From all the posts I read on here, they won’t make you do anything you don’t want to but they will help support you and can tell you how you can end things safely if you want to.
My ex was very much like this, I stopped trying to make our house nice because I knew he’d break things, especially anything I cared about. So I stopped caring.
And he never wanted to resolve ab argument, he wanted to go on and on.
Please keep sharing on here and know you are nor alone x

[tiredofitall]

Its been over a year since I was free and I felt the same. Kept waiting for the tears of loss but I think I was in that marriage for so many miserable years that I cried all my tears and did all my grieving for the life I wished I had. Now I feel overwhelming calm. The drama has gone.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry about some of the things that he still says and I’m still outraged how he has the nerve to still be the victim and doesn’t hesitate in telling our children that…some things never change!
But the fact that I can choose not to reply to his messages, I’m not having the same arguments every day and he is not here as a voice in my ear telling me how awful I am.
Hope you are getting on ok x

[tiredofitall]

I reached this point in my marriage where I wasn’t sure because it wasn’t physically as bad as it used to be. I also had the same messages about me changing and putting more effort in and also the same with work. In fact, I applied myself so much at work in order to earn more money to keep us afloat as he couldn’t keep a job, that work became my haven and safe place and in the end, opened my eyes up the reality that I wasn’t who he told me I was. I was more me when I was anywhere other than at home, if that makes sense.
Once I saw that and realised that I could support us without him (in fact we are better off because he isn’t wasting every penny) and I knew I didnt want to live that life any longer, it was only a matter of time.
I suspect you’ll get there too. I didn’t trust him. What is left after that? I got myself comfortable with the fact that the only justification that I needed was that I wasn’t happy. Lots of people end marriages for that reason. Whether I was unhappy because of how he treated me, whether you call that abuse or not – it didnt matter, in the end I knew what it was and I could end it, knowing that he would never agree with me. I was tired and miserable and he was never going to change and even if he did, I knew I could never trust that it would last forever and I would always, for the rest of my life, be walking on eggshells. And I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Sending you strength and hugs x

[tiredofitall]

This sounds so much like my ex. You feel like you have a breakthrough and they heard you, they talk about how they will get help and they need support. And once you’ve calmed down, they start to find reasons why they don’t need to get that help after all. And its on you to then pick it up and we don’t want to do that because its such a relief when there isn’t any tension that we don’t want to be the ones who create it!

Mine did go see his doctor once, told him he was depressed and was referred to counselling. He came back from his assessment and declared that he had ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ and they had said there was nothing wrong with him. They are absolute masters of deception and they lie so easily. Most importantly they lie to themselves. And they believe it which is why I’m sure they are so good at convincing us.

I think I knew deep down for a long time that he wasn’t going to get help but it took me a lot longer to accept that it wasn’t my responsibility to fix him and that it was not ok for him to treat me the way he did, even if he did have mental health issues. Because he was not prepared to get treatment for those issues. After I told him it was over, he said I’d not given him a fair chance and that I’d given up without doing couples counselling. I think he thought that would make me feel guilty but it didn’t as by this point I knew that couples counselling would just be another opportunity for him to repeat the story of our life together that he believes is true – the one where he is the victim of my selfishness and his behaviour is a reaction to all of the things that I did that made him feel unloved. And I wasn’t prepared to give some stranger the opportunity to be convinced by him that he was right. It was too risky.

I hope you are getting some support from your counsellor.
xx

[tiredofitall]

Honestly, you are not wrong. You are doing everything you can to make your marriage work whilst trying to stay sane. The problem is that he doesn’t seem like he is prepared to accept responsibility and without that you are trying on your own. He doesn’t believe that he is doing anything wrong. Even if he does listen, he’s not really listening. And you can tell that by his actions, regardless of the words that come out of his mouth. He should understand why you don’t want sex after you’ve had words but instead he behaves like a child when he can’t have what he wants. He hasn’t listened to anything you’ve said. He shouldn’t be spying on you – he should trust you. Its his insecurity. And its no wonder you are confused. Its very confusing – but that is what they do to us to stop us from leaving. Because its hard for us to face up to the truth when they convince us that THEY are the victim. I spent years and years doing everything I could, spending hours thinking of the ways i could help him get better, work through his problems, support his addictions. In the end, I could no longer deny that despite all that he said, he really didn’t believe that he was behaving in any way that needed to change. Even now, after he has lost everything, he still doesn’t see it. I see it on here a lot and it helped me get some clarity….watch what they do not what they say. Hugs to you xx

[tiredofitall]

There isn’t any need to be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do. It’s hard. It’s tiring. Always trying to please anx never seeming to be able to get it right. It’s just so hard. I remember so well every day feeling despair with my life and not knowing how to make it better. Just please try and believe that you deserve to think about yourself, you deserve to be happy just as much as they do. xx

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