1hotcoffee1

[1hotcoffee1]

Thank you for responses, I have complained to anyone and everyone, yet here I am, I’ve done everything the correct and legal way, yet here I am.

I feel so bad for the women out there who have it far worse than I do, the struggle is crippling and immensely frustrating, but I shall keep going, I will keep fighting, I have not come this far for nothing.

Thank you all xx

[1hotcoffee1]

Hi Ebrunner

I am also feeling frustrated at how difficult everything seems to be at the moment, you get so fed up with trying, jumping through hoops, chasing things and then having to take knock back after knock back, sometimes it feels like banging your head against a brick wall would be more productive, but what i have realised is this, we have to keep knocking, we have to keep pushing and most importantly we have to keep going, the solution or the light at the end of tunnel is there, we just have to keep doing everything we can to get to it.

I have found this forum so insightful and helpful, it really feels like we are all in this together, we all have a common goal and we all want a better life for ourselves. As frustrating as it feels and as much as you may feel like you are fighting a losing battle, please please remember, we are stronger than we think and capable of so very much, we just have to keep going 🙂

Also… ranting is therapeutic and i think this is the ideal place to do it 🙂

[1hotcoffee1]

Thank you to all of you. I started back at the gym today, so that’s helped, I’ll try this for a bit and see if there is an improvement, if not I shall just have to put my brave pants on and call the doctors.

Thank you all for you helpful words, it’s nice to hear right now xx

[1hotcoffee1]

Thank you Lazarus17, i will maybe brave it tomorrow 🙂

[1hotcoffee1]

That is an amazing poem, absolutely brilliant, thank you for sharing xxxxxx

[1hotcoffee1]

The joy and happiness that your are projecting has brought tears of happiness to my eyes, you sound like you are on the journey towards your best life, be very proud, stay as positive as you can and most importantly…. Keep it going… the sky is the limit 🙂 xx

[1hotcoffee1]

Behaviour
People think he is opinionated but insightful, easy going and fun.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If his friends or family comes over or he needs to take a call he’s lovely and pleasant to them, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash. (my friends & family don’t come over, it’s too uncomfortable for me)
He glares at me
He talks to me like a child at times
He rarely asks people about themselves, unless it’s his friends
He is always right.
He is a hypocrite, one rule for me another for him
He talks over me. But gets extremely angry if I ever dare to speak over him
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
His phrase is “when did that happen, give me an example” followed by “why didn’t you say something at the time”, therefore discrediting it, but he is allowed to drag things up from the past as he is only trying to make a point?
When I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone/computer game does something repetitive.
He can sometimes be extremely happy or sometimes incredibly depressed/ in a bad mood, it can change quickly.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He screams in my face, towers over, invades my personal space, points
He’s extremely intimidating
He is clever, more with words and language.
He doesn’t talk to me. He’ll ignore me for days, until it becomes unbearable and I end up apologising.
When he does something wrong it’s minimised, im over reacting or I cause him to behave that way, therefore im responsible, im the abuser
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots-no compassion for others, sometimes shows delight when things go wrong for others-especially if he perceives they have wronged him before.
Holds grudges.
He encourages me to cut people off who have hurt/wronged me, then gets angry when I don’t
He gets angry with other people he perceives are more successful/knowledgeable than him, but would never admit they are more successful/knowledgeable.
He rarely treats me, he rarely buy me presents. Has forgotten birthdays, when he does it’s usually out of the money he should be paying me back or paying bills with, therefore I may as well of bought it myself.
He has rarely worked throughout our relationship
He rarely paid for anything, including rent, bills and food, but would buy himself things whenever he had the money
He is secretive/shady
He is always accusing me of being selfish, that everything is always about me, he also accuses me of treating the few friends I do have and family members better than him.
Being cold and lacking affection
Being uninterested in him
Complaining
Always being wrong
Always starting arguments- My mood affects him negatively
Being Lazy
Being too emotional or over sensitive/drama queen.

Emotions
If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m playing victim.
That arguments are my fault, due to me not saying how im feeling
There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work.
If i hurt myself or am fearful of something he gets angry at me.
He encourages talking about feelings, but when I do, he quickly changes it all around so it’s me that is making him feel a certain way, or my behaviour has caused him to feel a certain way and im selfish.
He is angry.
He denies my feelings.
He doesn’t celebrate my achievements, he minimises them or discredits them
He doesn’t believe I’m intimidated or scared by him.
If he feels he’s won a row he smirks or becomes amazingly happy, will call his mates and have a laugh and joke.
Tells me I don’t accept responsibility and don’t apologise, twists it around, which then makes me feel guilty and I end up apologising for things I haven’t even done.

Control
Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way. If he wants to do it then we do it, if I want to do something im selfish or i put others before him.
He is not interested in anything I do.
He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them, says the female friends/family members have tried it on with him and the men are idiots
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.

Physical
He doesn’t cook
He turns the TV over as if im not in the room or watching it
He will come upstairs when im sleeping and turn the TV on, knowing I have work in the morning
He cleans the front room and washes up (because I don’t do it properly) and let’s me know when he’s done it. I should be grateful
He smashes/breaks things, my things, he punches doors, slams doors causing them to nearly come off the hinges, he’s thrown my possessions out on to the street.
He’s pulled his fist back to punch me in the face, grabbed my clothing and ripped them, he’s threatened to throw me outside naked.
He’s threatened to kill me
He’s told people things ive told him in confidence, he’s used that information to summerise what my “problem” is and used it in numerous arguments against me.
He says I made him do it.
He says I am an emotional abuser, because I don’t tell him how im feeling.

Sex
It used to be frequent, until he demoralised my performance, then it was more about what he wanted and how he wanted me to behave.
Near the end I did it with him just so he would let me sleep, I hardly participated, I felt I was just a hole.
He talks about how distant and mechanical I am about sex, he thinks it’s some form of abuse from my past, I never told him it was him, I should of done!
He watches porn.

Timeline
There were red flags – I did see them, but thought they were a one off, thought things would get better, I also thought I was to blame.
I kept all this to myself as i was embarrassed and thought i was weak, i pushed friends away who gave me their opinion, i avoided family members for the same reason, i felt i was being disloyal to him.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence is less
My finances are less.
I WILL get myself back and this will NEVER happen again!

[1hotcoffee1]

Behaviour
People think he is opinionated but insightful, easy going and fun.
He is different in front of people than he is at home.
If his friends or family comes over or he needs to take a call he’s lovely and pleasant to them, he can switch his behaviour to me in a flash. (my friends & family don’t come over, it’s too uncomfortable for me)
He glares at me
He talks to me like a child at times
He rarely asks people about themselves, unless it’s his friends
He is always right.
He talks over me. But gets extremely angry if I ever dare to speak over him
He can twist what I’m saying in a second so I start wondering if I have misheard.
His phrase is “when did that happen, give me an example” followed by “why didn’t you say something at the time”, therefore discrediting it, but he is allowed to drag things up from the past as he is only trying to make a point?
When I’m talking, he walks off, he does something else, plays on his phone/computer game does something repetitive.
He can sometimes be extremely happy or sometimes incredibly depressed/ in a bad mood, it can change quickly.
He is angry. He shouts. He swears.
He screams in my face, towers over, invades my personal space, points
He’s extremely intimidating
He is clever, more with words and language.
He doesn’t talk to me. He’ll ignore me for days, until it becomes unbearable and I end up apologising.
When he does something wrong it’s minimised, im over reacting or I cause him to behave that way, therefore im responsible.
He thinks he is better than other people. Other people are always idiots-no compassion for others, sometimes shows delight when things go wrong for others-especially if he perceives they have wronged him before.
Holds grudges.
He encourages me to cut people off who have hurt/wronged me, then gets angry when I don’t
He gets angry with other people he perceives are more successful/knowledgeable than him, but would never admit they are more successful/knowledgeable.
He rarely treat me, he rarely buy me presents. Has forgotten birthdays, when he does it’s usually out of the money he should be paying me back or paying bills with, therefore I may as well of bought it myself.
He has rarely worked throughout our relationship
He rarely paid for anything, including rent, bills and food, but would buy himself things whenever he had the money
He is secretive/shady
He is always accusing me of being selfish, that everything is always about me, he also accuses me of treating the few friends I do have and family members better than him.
Being cold and lacking affection
Being uninterested in him
Complaining
Always being wrong
Always starting arguments- My mood affects him negatively
Being Lazy
Being too emotional or over sensitive/drama queen.
Emotions
If I cry he ignores me or minimises it or says I’m playing victim.
That arguments are my fault, due to me not saying how im feeling
There is no comfort when bad things happen, from death to having a bad day at work.
If i hurt myself or am fearful of something he gets angry at me.
He encourages talking about feelings, but when I do, he quickly changes it all around so it’s me that is making him feel a certain way, or my behaviour has caused him to feel a certain way and im selfish.
He is angry.
He denies my feelings.
He doesn’t celebrate my achievements, he minimises them or discredits them
He doesn’t believe I’m intimidated or scared by him.
If he feels he’s won a row he smirks or becomes amazingly happy, will call his mates and have a laugh and joke.
Tells me I don’t accept responsibility and apologize, twists it around, which then makes me feel guilty and I end up apologising for things I haven’t even done.

Control
Its subtle but it is always about getting his own way. If he wants to do it then we do it, if I want to do something im selfish.
He is not interested in anything I do.
He doesn’t like my friends, he is rude about them, says the female friends/family members have tried it on with him and the men are idiots
He doesn’t like my family, he is rude about them.
Physical
He doesn’t cook
He turns the TV over as if im not in the room or watching it
He will come upstairs when im sleeping and turn the TV on, knowing I have work in the morning
He cleans the front room and washes up (because I don’t do it properly) and let’s me know when he’s done it. I should be grateful
He smashes/breaks things, he punches doors, he’s thrown my possessions out on to the street.
He’s pulled his fist back to punch me in the face, grabbed my clothing and ripped them, he’s threatened to throw my outside naked.
He’s threatened to kill me
He’s told people things ive told him in confidence, he’s used that information to summerise what my “problem” is and used it in numerous arguments against me.
He says I made him do it.
He says I am an emotional abuser, because I don’t tell him how im feeling.

Sex
It used to be frequent, until he demoralised my performance, then it was more about what he wanted and how he wanted me to behave.
Near the end I did it with him just so he would let me sleep, I hardly participated, I felt I was just a hole.
He talks about how distant and mechanical I am about sex, he thinks it’s some form of abuse from my past, I never told him it was him, I should of done!
He watches porn.

Timeline
There were red flags – I did see them, but thought they were a one off, thought things would get better, I also thought I was to blame.
Rages and control, knowing better, not listening to others opinions, loosing friends.
My world is smaller.
My friends are fewer.
My confidence is less
My finances are less.
I am slowly gaining myself back

[1hotcoffee1]

Hi Balloons… it’s so draining, I’m currently staying with a friend, he won’t leave my house, the house I own! It’s an occupational hearing, it’s so tiring and my emotions are all over the place, today was angry day with a side of frustration at the complete unfairness of it all and (detail removed by moderator).

Thank you for your kind words, how are you dealing with it all, do you have any tips? Xx

[1hotcoffee1]

@Lottieblue i have read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It may help untaggle some of the thoughts you are having.

[1hotcoffee1]

@Eggshells

Its the level of manipulation and mind bending that i found so very confusing and mind muddling, im just out of it all, but still trying to make sense of it all, which i know is futile, as in his eyes he is the victim, there is nothing i can do to change that. I think once this is all over i will spend less time thinking and over thinking and re running arguments in my head. It’s also the not knowing… i have a hearing soon and since no contact i have no idea what he is going to say or even if he will attend. The build up to the hearing is me running through different senarios in my head, will he say this, will he say that, is it even relevant etc…. Just one big, overthinking mess right now, constantly fighting battles in my own mind, but then trying to bat the thoughts away as they are not helpful, it’s all just very draining.

Thank you for your words 🙂

[Author]

Posts