Appin7

[Appin7]

Hi lilac lady,
Your man sounds much like mine and yes this is abuse with a capital A. He is manipulating you to think you are wrong, have misinterpreted things, are the cause of all his woes when in reality you are doing a very good job raising your child and managing to get up every day despite being bombarded by his ludicrous behaviour. Look up ‘narcissistic behaviour’ and your man will be most those things. Look up ‘passive aggressive behaviour’ and he will be those things too. He is exactly like my man and it took me (detail removed by moderator)years to figure this out and I am only now starting the divorce process so I get the rest of my life as an independent and confident woman rather than the shell I have become. Get out now as soon as possible because he will only wear you down to nothing and this also impacts your child long term, my kids are (ages removed by moderator) and suffering from long term emotional abuse due to their dad being a self obsessed Narcissitic passive aggressive sociopath. It sounds strong using the word ‘abuse’ as it can seem inaccurate as we tend to think of being physically beaten but emotional abuse is equally as bad but unlike bruises the abuse never fades. He will never never change and never never stop. It is in his distorted personality to treat so badly.
You deserve better and you have to bite the bullet and split. I am doing so even though I will lose the house to him and will have to start over at nearly (detail removed by moderator) years old. But houses and material possessions are not as important as your future happiness. I could choose to stay – but why would I want to put myself rough another (detail removed by moderator) odd years of this crap?
Go girl, go!

[Appin7]

Hi Appleninja,
I am so sorry to hear your story and it is so much like my own. There is only one solution and that is to get out. Get out before you are totally destroyed and your child is also destroyed by this manipulative man. I took (detail removed by moderator) years  to wake up and make a stance. I should have acted sooner for both my own and my children’s sake – they are now grown but the damaging affects are long lasting. It has taken me (detail removed by moderator) months of consideration to actually file for divorce but it was the best choice ever. Although I still have to live with this man for the time being I have found a sense of personal freedom just by starting the divorce process and I feel very positive I have made the right move. Bizarrely he also seems somewhat happier ( in fact he removed his wedding ring within 24 hours) and although it’s another week until my papers are ready we have already been able to sort some basics out apbetwwen us.
I was apprehensive about his reactions and behaviours and dreading telling him but he has surprised me by his reactions and I wish I had had the guts to start the process earlier in the year.
Good luck with your endeavours which must be to secure a decent life for you and your child independent of this manipulative and abusive man.

[Appin7]

Hi confused 123, thanks for your reply and support. I have made first steps – 1) posting on this site and 2) have spoken to my boss (female) to put her in the picture. I have also warned her that he is likely to try discrediting me at work once he knows what is going on.

I feel there is a lot of stuff I should have recorded over the years so I am buying a voice recorder. I can use this to document historic incidents and examples as it will be quicker than writing/typing initially as I can speak into while driving to work etc which is about the only time I get to myself. Ultimately I can use it to write up stuff when have more time. I am also getting a tiny recorder that can record conversations as they happen so I can ‘catch’ his actual words on the occasions he suddenly starts on a rant. Next I am trying to get chance to call the helpline but it is hard to schedule it in when I cannot be overheard.
My boss has said that if i need to go to any counselling sessions she will give me the time off so that is helpful but I need to arrange this. Hoping the helpline will be able to assist.
As my husband has effectively cut off our son I have to make sure he is ok for money so trying to find a way to have a small amount of funding ready in case. Although I pay for pretty much everything in the home, it is my husband who somehow acquires money for our son when he needs it.
My mum may be able to help but I didn’t want to tell my family yet, especially as my youngest sister is due her first baby next week and I don’t want to put a downer on that.
It’s hard considering a split because although I have a good job and pay for everything here, there is no way I could cover his half of the mortgage too let alone buy him out. He couldn’t afford this either and that means letting go of a beautiful home forever. At my age I couldn’t get another mortgage and there is virtually no equity in the house in the current climate. It means giving up the house which I had hoped my kids would inherit one day, it’s losing their legacy.
There are so many issues to consider… Another being that our daughter has a medical condition that is easier to cope with when there are 2 of us. Husband also has a medical condition that I have to help him with but is nowhere near as impactful as daughters.
This is why the whole situation is really difficult, too much stuff, over too much time, interwoven and hard to untangle.
However I am determined to get some support and advice and have best and worst case scenarios outlined for the future.
X appin

[Appin7]

Hi, new here, in a bit of a daze, this is not a service or situation that I ever thought I would find myself in. Basically it has taken me a very long time to realise that my husband is passive aggressive and I feel very stupid not to have known this or addressed it before. I am now trying to seek counselling for myself as a starting point but being a busy full time worker In a demanding job makes it difficult plus when I get home each day he is there already or gets back within half hour so no time to speak to someone really and my teen may overhear me also which would not be appropriate. I am at a loss as to what to do with the situation to actually get started, I know I should get counselling and probably legal advice.
Ideally I would like to rescue my family by having my husband attend counselling too and for him to recognise what he has done but I fear that he wouldn’t go to anything like that as he doesn’t think he has a problem. I am guessing many of you will tell me that they never change anyway.

[Appin7]

Hi Lisa, thanks for your reply, I did think as much regarding the fact that he doesn’t accept any responsibility. I know this process is going to be hard and painful and will take a long time as I have much to consider. I made steps by informing my boss (female) who is supportive but she is the only person who knows.
I would like to be able to discuss it with my mum but she is caught up with my youngest sister having her first baby next week and I don’t want to put a downer on it so will no doubt have to wait a while with that.
It is hard at home as he is trying to carry on as normal and expects me to, but he doesn’t realise I am dying inside whilst secretly finding out what to do and I hate being deceitful. Trying to keep going. X Appin

[Appin7]

Hi WR and thanks for support, I am making small steps towards being able to call the helpline and trying to get other stuff arranged too. I have recognised this is going to be a long and drawn out process. Trying to keep smiling. Feel very fake at home because I am doing all this and he has no idea. I don’t like being deceitful but have no option. X Appin

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