Biscuitsandbikes

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thanks KIP.

I do not want him backand life is easier without him. I can be self sufficient easily. Some of the ‘help’ he gives isn’t actually anything I’ve wanted. Although sometimes he will bring (removed by moderator). I guess I need to stop that too.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you for you replies as always.

I went away for a few days to see a friend and that passed without incident. When I came back there was some guilt laid on ‘your daughter really missed you, she was so sad’. I’d asked her about it and she said she missed me but was fine… After all, she went to the cinema with her Dad and had ice cream! I was pleased she was happy.

Anyway, for the past couple of days I’ve had tea made for me in the morning and there has been much smiling. Naturally I’m suspicious. So I asked…. Big mistake.

I need to do more for my daughter at the weekends….I already do! I also make sure she isn’t over scheduled….she has down time. I suggested he may like to take her to see her cousins but… No… We all have to go… Or he goes on his own. That makes it my fault again if she doesn’t get to go. Long story short… His family think I’m miserable and hard work. I’ve always tried so hard with them. We don’t have much in common.

I feel so utterly beaten. He says he wants to work on our marriage but I just here that as ‘you need to do what I want you to’. I hide a lot to avoid the conflict. I guess I don’t want to be near him anymore, but I look back at the good times and I so desperately want to be held and loved and to know I make someone smile.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thanks. She is primary school age. I do talk to her sometimes but often reacts to me doing so, trying to tell me Im making a big deal out of nothing. That makes me feel worse. Her Dad will then say ‘look, she’s forgiven me, why can’ t you. You’re ripping the family apart because you can’t let go of things’.

I guess I worry I will loose it all.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Yes, I’ve always been shy in groups of people. He says I’m not shy at all as at work I’m confident but to me that’s easy. I know the subject well.

I worry my daughter won’t come with me if I go to my parents. She worries about her Dad. Where hell stay, what he’ll do.

Since I thought something was ‘off’ I have been slowly building my independence… Going back to work. I’m now the main breadwinner. I could survive pretty well on my own if I had the courage to leave.

He’s right I don’t spend much time with him. His behaviour is more and more erratic and I don’t K ow what to expect so I withdraw.

And yes he did tell me his friends thought I was rude. I know being shy and anxious does come ac2like that at times. That’s why I think… It must be me. But then I think… I need to accept myself too. I can’t always be trying so hard to be this social bubbly person I’m not.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

I just wanted to say I recognise my situation in this a great deal.

The hiding in the room (or going back to bed/ under covers), the monosyllabic answers to questions/ sullen outlook- followed by a sunny outlook. Complete change in the space of a few hours.

Oh.. and too depressed to do things, vs fine to go out with friends drinking.

Weaponising everyday tasks- yes!

Anyway, I don’t have much advice other than to say i) you’ve made me feel not so crazy and alone (I’ve posted on here and the support has really helped me) and ii) I hope I have helped you not feel so alone too.

Hugs.

(Oh and also.. ‘the way I’ve treated him is appalling’ apparently.)

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Apologies for taking a few days to reply. Thank you fizzylem for sharing your experiences. They ring very true.

I had a quiet couple of days. Yesterday evening the comments and huffing started again. It helps to post on here… Stops me from forgetting.

Long weekend ahead. Not especially looking forward to it.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you again for your replies.

Fizzylem-yes he does have little emotional intelligence, something he knows has held him back at work. As for having space in the relationship, we’ll that’s a difficult one. When we started a family, I naturally gave up some of the time spent on hobbies, I was happy to. When time came to pick that back up, I couldn’t although the reason was not in relation to anything he did. Then I went back to work… And well, children and work leads to a busy life.

I am starting to notice that I place a great deal of value in what others tell me about myself. He says I have issues… And I have been depressed. Now I’m wondering whether the depression was to do with his expectations all along. His favourite was that I am so needy. I feel quite self sufficient on a practical level, but emotionally perhaps I am.

My body aches like I’ve been punched everywhere. I wish I had in some ways.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Fizzylem- can I ask you what happened when you were sick/ vulnerable?

I found if I got upset, the compassion would me minimal. Like he had no idea what to do. I remember getting upset because of something at work. I was really hurt. He did comfort me, but then quickly decided I should be over it, which actually made it feel even worse.

I’m not sure what I feel about him anymore. That adds to my guilt but also my confusion. If I don’t feel anything, why can’t I move on?

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you for the replies, means a lot that you’ve taken the time to do so.

Things were up and down yesterday. I went to bed early. I took the morning off work today and had a good cry.

I still stupidly hold onto hope.

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. As I recall, ‘the victim’ was the one that stood out to me in ‘the Dominator’.

I have read about trauma bonding. I have read and read. I feel strong because of my work. Then we have an incident and I am strong for the children. Then it hurts. And the hurt is huge. Then it’s OK for a while.

My children are trying so hard to be loving to help stop the incidents. Sometimes they say they wish he’d go. Then things calm down and they think it’s all sorted. I guess I know now. I won’t be wasting anyone’s time if I call women’s aid.

Thanks for giving me some validation on how I feel.

Sending you all best wishes. X

[Biscuitsandbikes]

Thank you both for replying. I’ve read both those books. Lundy Bancroft especially. I know what you mean about the forgetting things, sometimes he’d shout. Mostly act exasperated. Sometimes I’d ask why he couldn’t just make do with x,y or z…ie.mpoint out its not the end of the world. He didn’t seem to care that he’d upset me. Then getting upset was the thing he didn’t like. ‘Why do you cry all the time? Why aren’t you happy?’.

I guess I’ve read so much, but it’s not frequent. He normally explains my gripes away. I only really even thought about it not just being me when last year, myself and my children hid in their bedroom when he got angry as he’d had a bad day. He threw a tantrum, just like a toddler.

He’s shouted at the children- he threatens to leave if they disobey him (e says this to them directly). More tantrums from him. But then they are usually being naughty so I feel unsure how to handle it, even though I know they shouldn’t be treated like that regardless of what they have done.

I feel like it’s my fault. It feels like I shouldn’t have worked hard at work. He uses the children against me when I think about calling it a day. ‘ Mummy doesn’t want to be a family anymore’.

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