Breadandroses

[Breadandroses]

Hi
You are not dragging you loved ones in. They want to be there for you. They love you and it is hard for them to see you go through this. They do not know either how to work through this. Trying to explain is so hard. My mother shouted at me when I went straight into an abusive relationship when I left my husband and a friend of mine called them when I was hit. They are confused too.
For done reason it is easier to walk away from them.
Eventually I used to phone my mum and read out every text I got and she would listen to my reply and usually persuade me to not send it for a couple of hours or a day. Then I would phone her again and usually I would say. I don’t need to send this do I?. I don’t know how we got there but we did and her hearing the texts and the frequency of them…she started to understand.
Anyway you can let the people who love you in.
Take care lovely.

[Breadandroses]

Hi ts,

There is also a lot of research on links between trauma and eating disorders like binge eating. Also self care.

I have been looking at my diet recently and waring habits as I am not self caring well. Your post is exactly right and thanks for the positivity in it

It is all about habit and slipping in and out of old ones.

I am going to buy some nectarines next shop too and think of your post when I do.

Any tips on exercising..lol.

Thankyou

Xxxx

[Breadandroses]

Hi

Being all over the place is part of it. I used to hear myself saying ” just tell me what to do then” because I couldn’t think for myself or just wanted whatever to end. I still react like that when I get anxious.

Do you have anyway of seeing this person by yourself?

I suspect that could make him angry but sadly that is what happens when you show some kind of control. I know how hard that would be. I did it myself just went somewhere he had banned. (detail removed by Moderator). I did it once fir (detail removed by Moderator) hours! An (detail removed by Moderator). But when I did it despite his anger it was the start for me. But I really don’t know how safe that is for you or if you can afford it. There are so many different barriers for each individual.

I really hear and worry about what you said about sex. I spent my last years of marriage trying to work out how long I could make it without having to do it. I felt so manipulative with all my excuses It was so hard for me to come to terms with. He used my issues there to make me feel like I was the problem and “unable to give love”. Please do not ever think that. I am so capable of loving and being kind and understanding with my friends and child. Do not let him confuse you there. It is your right to feel in the right place for that. You do not owe it to him.

Take care lovely. I am so hearing what you wrote and I reacted like you too. Because that is how you react to this.

[Breadandroses]

Hi,

I don’t know any rules but I would phone the hospital and tell them she us your daughter, you have been informed she is there you want to know why etc. Explain the situation as best you can re contact.

I would go. Is that safe for you to do that?

Has he texted they are at hospital? Get it on text and his refusal to give details etc to show them when you get there.

You cannot stop a mother seeing her child in hospital surely??? Whatever contact arrangements there are that is ridiculous.

[Breadandroses]

Hi purplecupcake

Wow thank you so much. That does answer so much.

An issue I have is that I started dissaciating when I was a child. I still detach and become numb for periods of time. I don’t know if I know how I felt I was like a zombie inside.

Coming on here I saw a post and all of a sudden it was like wow…I remember. But what I remembered was just the sheer exhaustion I felt the neverendingness. Is that an emotion?

I think my counsellor is helping me label stuff but I am so bad at articulating it I rely on happy, sad, frustrated and angry! We advanced to I m feeling happy and sad together the other week!

I will talk to him more about this. I gave a very firm no to the idea and he doesn’t push me ATM as it has been tough recently. Also I keep going back saying actually…..! Lol and then I do it again!

This has been so helpful and positive
Thank you

[Breadandroses]

Hi

I am doing counselling and I won’t lie it is harder than I thought.

I said I didn’t mind seeing a man as I wanted to see someone quickly so ticked every box.

I think that was a barrier st first but to be honest I saw a woman a while back and had similar issues if not worse.

It was actually him who suggested or rather asked me if I thought womans aid would be able to support me again re an issue that came up with my daughter. He does not give advice!!! I keep asking. Lol.

I nearly gave up on this counselling as I did before because of something he said that left me ruminating for days. I asked a friend if I should stop because I felt like it made me worse and she listed off all the ways she thought I was coping better since I had started which surprised me. I have known her decades and she said you have talked to me more in the last few months about how you feel then in years and she said I really didn’t know how hard it gets for you, you are so funny about it all. I try to be that’s true. You wouldn’t believe that on here. À

I went back and (removed by moderator) and he was fine we just talked about that and that is how I ended up here really.

So counselling is weird. I find I notice things after that it doesn’t even feel like we tslked about. I certainly had no idea I still people pleased so much. I didn’t think I did as much now. And how much I feel no one understands or ever could (thats what made me angry i felt he said he understood something and was like …really??? But in myvhead of course) and how overwhelmed I get when trying to explain. I keep saying there is just too much..too much happened

But you know slowly, slowly. I said no when he suggested this and the reason I gave him is so not the reason I found this daunting when i looked at it. When I realised that it was like oh! And then a bit down and then a bit wobbly and then yesterday…you can’t change things if you don’t try out things. But I would say this feels so safe and counselling you are actually more visible and getting questions sometimes that can challenge you. For me I find it hard to say some things outloud even when it is clear in my head.

I do it on line though so I am in my own safe space which suits me.

So I think you have to be up for it or say when you are not. We agreed I would say when I get my pains in my wrists which happens when I get anxious like if it has been happening or happens in the sessions…that is a sure sign for me to be careful.

He literally told me to tell him to F off if I wanted too…ummm. haven’t yet.

It s hard I have thought about trying it again for ages. I was a bit forced into by circumstances that made me afraid I would really go backwards again. But maybe I needed the push to do it.

You can always stop is what I think but I did learn this time it is better to say that to them than just run like I did before and text a cheerio!

[Breadandroses]

Hi Pookie,

Just logged on to say hope you having a better day.

Xxx

[Breadandroses]

Hi ts

I read Waking The Tiger. It made sense to me and I related to it. It is essentially saying that trauma gets trapped in the body when we stop the process of physically allowing our bodies and stress system to respond e g. Shake it out.

I had told him my first experience of a flashback and physical response to it. I can talk about that specific memory though reasonably easily because i was with someone who (removed by moderator) strange as that seems and they talked to me about muscle memory and encouraged me to just let the shaking happen and go in its own time. When I read the book I was like oh!

I don’t know the therapy sounds like that really. You relive it but are helped to process it correctly. I said I was wanting to avoid those really strong physical reactions now incase they didn’t go away. It is a while now since I had sudden flight response or very strong startle reflex. I still startle easily but I don’t run. I don’t get shaking or crying bouts either now.and I don’t get the weird paranoias once it starts although i am increasingly avoidant.I was very ill a few years ago.
I said to my counsellor what if I get triggered and it doesn’t work and it just starts a really bad episode. So he was fine with that and just asked if I wanted to carry on with what we were doing and that was it. I am feeling no pressure.
It s just I don’t want to live like this anymore. I get very physical psychosomatic pains and digestive issues etc. I wake up unable to walk straight some days with back pain and then it just stops for months. The idea they could go is very tempting.
But in the book the way it was described was as if clients had 1 thing to get over. 1 crash, 1 rape, 1 life threatening occurance. What if you have had several. To be fair to my counsellor I haven’t told him lots. (Detail removed by moderator)Which I think is true and I have said I simply can’t say some things out loud which also worries me that you have to describe some things in this therapy but i have done that on here but in my counselling now I don’t have to. I dissociate you sèe and I don’t do it very often now and I don’t want that back.
But today I felt like…something needs to change here. I am being a bit helpless at the moment and giving up easily and I would say a bit woe is me..which I hate. I am struggling really after a long good spell…which makes you forget.
I have had a few unexpected knocks recently and a long term stressful issue ongoing. I tried to be preventative and go to counselling but it is harder than I thought and that has surprised me…I thought I had dealt with some things that seem to have come back. Forgetting/denial isn’t the same as healing I suppose.

Thank you for replying. I m a little indecisive and wobbly right now I just want someone to tell me what to do…which is not good!! I will look at that site . Thankyou again xxx

[Breadandroses]

Hi
I did not experience it on this scale.
I experienced court and the lies and the trying to argue for custody at the start.
CAFFCASS can be requested to do their own report.
You can start to keep a diary of everything that is texted to you, said to you by him or your children. You can ask schools to make statements by I found they were reluctant.
You need good legal advice. It is expensive. I have no idea about legal aid. I know it is hard to get.
Do remember he will be asked to evidence what he is saying. He can t just say things have happened. Where is his evidence?
Unfortunately neither can you. So how do you prove the abuse? Maybe others can help you here. But I used to have people with me at all handovers after a while and would ask him to write down any issues he had with my parenting etc and send them to my solicitor when I had one.
He will have to show he can look after your son too. He will be scruntisef too. They forget that.
I was told and again I am not an expert do you would have to get independent advice that the courts put the child first and do not want to cause unnecessary disruption to them so they need a lot of convincing to radically change custody.
Unfortunately you have to trust a system that is bring used against you. That is hard.

[Breadandroses]

Hi

I just want to say. I was shown this tapping exercise called EFT and I still use it.

It helps me when I am confused about how I am feeling.

It works for me although I struggle to say the affirmation part I was taught. ” even though I feel XXX I love and respect myself” . It makes me literally blush with embarrassment xxx

[Breadandroses]

Hi
I keep coming on here today because I feel low and I have backed myself into a corner of trying not to show that to people anymore.

I am supposed to be working but I have listened to some music, am sat here with my cat who is being extra lovely..they seem to know my cats.

I keep reminding myself it will pass.

I went round to a friend’s last night because I could feel it coming on. She is fab she just talks and talks about things. She is a very sound person who I try very hard to be like. She keeps it simple. I just needed the company and to hear her chatting away as she does about just day to day things.

It is so much to process sometimes. It does get easier. I keep reminding myself at the moment that sometimes the painful bit happens just before the light comes back.

I think I have some emotions to accept right now. I have done it before.

I wasn’t sure about being on here at all. But you know your post has just reminded me to keep struggling and wait for it to pass. Thank you. It is waves and they pass.

I am glad you have support and you sound so aware of yourself and what has happened to you. It took so much for me to even recognise that. You have made a huge step in recovery.

I want to say good luck today but that is the wrong phrase. I m not sure how to say it.

Maybe thinking of you and thankyou again.

[Breadandroses]

Thankyou. I am struggling a bit today. No focus. Thank god I work from home now. No one can see!

I explained to my counsellor I don’t see myself as a survivor but a sufferer. For me however far I get from it all it still makes me suffer sometimes.

There have been people in my life I have spoken to. But none of them know everything and well I have kept myself so quiet for the last few years..I don’t like to say…its back. That’s what I told my counsellor I am here so no one else has to know. Something happened and I knew it was going to effect me because it is a long term issue in my family so I said to him I am trying to prevent a melt down in me so I can support my daughter.

My partner which has been an on / off relationship for (removed by moderator) years and who does know dome things. He left when he saw what was ahead…again. too many cycles of it…I don’t blame him but I know this was the last time. I can’t have the instability.

He used to do the whole you just need to be positive and grateful for what you have. Face your fears…make each day better than the last. O would try even when i was just exhausred.So tbh I stopped talking to him because it felt like I was letting him down. So in the end he had moved out and we saw each other maybe once a week. I know he cares but it was too much for him because it is relentless at times and I keep my mask up for outside the house and shut down in it. It takes too much to pretend all the time!
I actually like being on my own! No pressure.
Thank you for understanding. I was trying to explain it to my counsellor I see all these people who seem to move on from it and write books, cycle the world or something and everyone says they are amazing. But I don’t relate. How much pain would it be for my family if I raked it all up again. They were not to blame. It wasn’t them.
Once after my marriage and after a 2nd abusive relationship I broke down to my mum and said you didn’t believe me. I told them once in a row and it was like I never said anything for days. Then my mum said to me . You have broken your father. I left home soon after that. The 2nd and last time we ever spoke she said. We did believe you. .but you know I have never liked uncle X that is because … I was shocked silent. Like WTF. Wow. But she said you just have to move on and I was lucky I have your dad. But WTF that was (removed by moderator) years after I said. Strange thing is we have never spoken again but I look at her differently now and all her little mini OCD ways, her moments when she drifts off and how my dad teases her about that and I look back to her headaches snd migraines and illnesses when we were young and I love her. But my parents are old and have their ways and have been there for me as best they can.
So now I am the age they were when I told them and I think yep…there was no support or awareness back then and my school told them I had a (removed by moderator) problem because they wanted rid of me. I (removed by moderator) and got caught. It was a boarding school and I wasn’t performing academically so they asked me to go. That was a shock enough for my parents..my mum looked for needle marks on my arm!!! Love her xx so little support for children back theneven the privileged ones like me.

Ah well. Back to work and thank you.
My dad phoned me (removed by moderator). He said we missed your call last night and I know you worry about us. He has had a stroke. Bless not actually why I phoned but that’s nice isn’t it. I think they do understand me more than I think.

[Breadandroses]

Yes the threats of suicide are part of it.. the leaving.

I asked my husband for a divorce and immediately the next day went away to my parents who lived a long distance away. I thought that break would make it final I had tried before and asked him to leave/ look for a place while I was away andvthen i would return.I really thought I was in control of the situation.

I had him first with text threats and then my (removed by moderator) saying they were worried about him and how upset he was texting me. He asked me how I could let that happen to our child. It would be my fault…then he followed me (removed by moderator)…where he was charm personified and anything but an emotional wreck and convinced my family he was the one trying to work it through and he loved me eyc etc…they fell for it.

As soon as we were on our own it was the usual…absolute instructions from him. You ARE coming back with me..you will pack your bags now…you will stop being so spoilt and difficult…you are going to do x,y,z you will go and (removed by moderator)…even your family can see..

I will not pretend I didn’t lie there at night thinking what if he does do it..it will be my fault but he didn’t

And I wish I had just texted him back go to the doctor then..YOU need help. But I didn’t.

It is so hard and it is a terrible thing to have that texted to you. I went from feeling in control to panicked and stressed and feeling trapped and such a b**** and at fault immediately.

Take care of yourself xx

[Breadandroses]

No you didn’t do anything wrong.

It is normal after to feel the way you do. In my experience it can flare up unexpectedly years later.

A comment, a gesture, a row and I would doubt myself, my partner etc etc.

It is hard to explain and it is hard to hear it from their perspective

But why on earth wouldn’t your body and mind react to those memories and try to keep you safe. That isvwhat happens your body remembers and you feel weird and after a while you recognise the triggers..or most of them.

I used to react so badly to any suggestion I wasn’t doing something right or well…even when a person was just trying to show me an easier way or a better way. I would take it negatively. I became a bit of a control freak really wanting to prove myself to everyone. So I had wonky shelves in my house you name it I wouldn’t accept help. One day my dad said to me. Why won’t you let us help you anymore? I could feel his hurt. I refused help to buy a Xmas tree honestly I was that skint that year and my daughter told them! It s exactly that…you can’t tell the difference. I was told so often I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own..every offer of help was a slight and confirmation of that.
Can you get counselling? It helps some people. Recovery on your own is hard and it is hard for partners too. It is so hard to explain it can help to talk it through.

[Breadandroses]

Hi
I had this continously for years. I taught my daughter as she got older to say…that s nice but no expectations…whenever he had a plan to have contact when we moved away. It got to the point where she would say…what shall we do when he cancels? … I used to take comfort from the fact she was seeing him for what he was. What else can you do.
Obviously the frustration and abuse is that you cannot plan and your life is on hold whilst you wait to see if it will happen.
You then have to deal with your children’s distress and cancelling your plans and being made to look unreliable etc etc
What can you say to your children…I don’t know how old they are and where you are in this. I used to make excuses for him at the beginning in the hope it would make her feel better. Then I decided I just had to tell her the truth. Sorry but we can t rely on your father to keep his promises. It is not my fault and I can’t change it…but can tell me how angry you are…I am angry and sad for you.
They don’t change and they don’t care about court orders…they are a waste of paper and money if you cannot get them enforced.
Can you ask him for lost earnings? Maybe?
My childminder used to wait to see if he picked my daughter up after school when he should and text me if he didn’t but take her home. He started to text her and say can you pick herbup.She refused to charge me but what i didn’t know was she kept charging him as it was his time with her. He ignored it so she kept the records and out of the blue she told me after 2 years she was going to small claims wow and bless her she was trying to fight for me of course I begged her not to…but it stopped it when she told him. Sometimes and I could never quite believe it when it happened just doing that going OK then that’s fine but here s what you now owe me works.

[Breadandroses]

So sad this is happening to you. It happened to me. It was unbearable.
I cannot believe that after all this time..I left a long time ago…the solicitors, the courts cannot see it. My ex forced me out with his behaviours. I tried but I left. With nothing really. He insisted he needed to get the house ready to sell and needed the furniture to stay to help it sell. I left and he moved in with a new partner 3 weeks later and the house was empty for 18 months. My solicitor at the time told me it was a good thing I had left as it would be harder for him to get custody when my child was settled with me. What rubbish!! And what pain I went through. So pleased you have Women’s Aid supporting you. Get decent legal advice and absolutely this is continued abuse and who on earth tries to disrupt their children further? Wishing you strength.

[Breadandroses]

I read your post. It is so soon after you left and the courts are a trauma in themselves.

I hid my trauma for fear he would use it against me I coped but now many years later I am finally talking to a counsellor I would say take care of yourself niw don’t wait
You have a child and I had a young child back then. (detail removed by Moderator) Just keep records and write everything down. Don t talk only text if you have to so it is recorded. Be clear if you have found comments abusive and state you wish to end conversation etc etc Eventually it ended up with the police getting involved. Not because I called them but he kept doing it saying he had welfare concerns as apparently I was an alcoholic and they would come to my house st all hours and check my fridge, cupboards, etc and my daughter. I think he thought if he kept doing it they would find something I found it so distressing and the police realised. They interviewed me in my house and for once I was just honest and hid nothing. I told them what I thought were minor things and I could see by their reactions and further questions they didn’t . The police were the ones who stopped it. And they are a public service. They just care about safety and the law. I absolutely freaked out when they said they would ask him in to the station. I said I had just told them because I was so worn out with it all and wanted them to know I was a good mother. I thought it was me in trouble. I have to tell you they got it.i told them I had had mental health issues as a result of everything and they were like that is normal!!! I even told them that I had abused him when I slammed a door on his foot when he was trying to get in my house. He used to insist on coming into my house when he collected my daughter. I refused one day and pushed the door closed and when he kept pushing it I slammed it as hard as I could and his foot was there. Aĺl they said was how many times had you asked him to not come in to your home. I had it on text that I had asked him to wait outside. I was terrified to tell them. Honestly I had been so scared I had done that. What I m trying to say is my ex was arrogant, educated and wealthy. He thought everyone would believe him they did t in the end (detail removed by Moderator). but go to the police or record it all no matter how trivial to show them. Even if it takes time. I was in contact with them a while before they arrested him but they would phone me and check on me. I was under a team.
As far as my child, I had the money so I was lucky but I asked my gp to recommend a child therapist and they spoke vwith CAMHS and recommended one and then I told him this person is a professional and all they care about is her welfare so she has eyes on her and it won t be me in court saying she has said x,y,z it will be them.she only used to go once a fortnight and she loved it they played and painted and at the end i would collect her and we would sit together and she could give me a message if she wanted.she still remembers it as a good thing.So you know .we do it for our children but don t forget yourself. Keep records and trust that eventually they show themselves up if I had been what he said I was her school would have been jumping up and down for starters.

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