cassandra05

[cassandra05]

If you come back maybe get in touch with women’s aid or citizens advice bureau.

Start keeping a journal, collect evidence of abuse, texts, emails. I am unsure as to whether you can do anything to make him comply; but you can start protecting yourself and gathering any evidence you may need further down the road.

I am sure there will be others along soon who have much more advice and experience then me.

So sorry you are going through this x

[cassandra05]

As I walked out the house when he said it was over I stated singing “I’m getting a dog, I’m getting a dog” Then it suddenly sunk in just how manipulative he had been in that conversation and how it was far from over.

But I still keep singing “I’m getting a dog, I’m getting a dog”. Now I have to decide a Corgi, Sheltie, Staffie or a Toy Beagle. Probably end up been something totally different since I will get it from a shelter.

Goodnight to you and keep ya chin up, it hard but this is a great place. X

[cassandra05]

(detail removed by moderator) maddog, no mater how much you hate it, I will wish you a good one and a Happy New Year x

[cassandra05]

No worries ssid for making me cry, you did not make me cry, it is his behavior that put me here in the first place. As I said you opened my eyes to a connection between violence and sex I knew was happening, but yet, it was as if I was not truly ready to be aware of it. Again thank you for that.

We all/most I take it, had what you describe as a thick head at some time or another, otherwise we would have run for the hills at the first sign of their behavior. That is not stupid.

I am lucky I have no children with mine (incredibly sad I do not have children). You are so fortunate and should cherish every moment you have with them. He is his own beast and it is very sad he will continue to hurt and destroy others but your focus now should be building a safe and nurturing world of your own. We all only have one childhood, please try and be the best mum you can be, in the end that will always win out. X

[cassandra05]

I am so glad to hear you are O.K., I have been checking back with your post on and off all day. Saw your post in my thread; you have got enough food I hope. Cwtsh (Welsh for cuddle pronounced cutch) up with the dogs, so jealous you are so lucky to have them, and do something you love, just for you. I am probably going to weigh a ton, I only have pot noddles and a ridiculous amount of chocolate to eat, oh well 🙂

Happy New Year Littleroots, I do so hope that it is a better one for you too. Know that someone is thinking of you kindly tonight. X

[cassandra05]

Hi Littleroots so sorry you are going through this too. A huge cuddle to you and forgot to say you are a shinning star of reason Kip, I hope one day to be where you are shinning bright for others. A huge cuddle to you too. x

[cassandra05]

Thanks Kip, I do have support from women’s aid. But with Christmas and now New Year my support worker is either ill or on holiday. Oddly yet again I know alot about gas-lighting, cognitive dissonance, because yet again it was something he says I do and he as have (because of my alleged abuse), I wish I had known more about ‘projection’. I take it my abuse was to sit on the floor cross legged, head down, while he paced back and forth screaming, at me, threatening to kill me and himself. I could go on and on but I will not right now.

Refuges are not an option due to my own mental health (agoraphobia), and other considerations, the one they can put me in is hours away from what little support I have. I am hoping my support worker will be back by Friday (she as been off ill) I am suppose to be having a meeting with her to discuss my re-homing options. Just talked to the phone support, I can not give all details in the forum, but it is seeming pretty clear that the way he is behaving is a common tact, but even more disturbing for me after talking to her, is that I recognise the kind act, I think he is trying to get me to beg for him back, to tell him I love him and all that (ego). I recognise the coercive and controlling pattern that if I do not play along with could end very ugly. I am trying to keep zero contact but as you say I need to be away from this house and him to do so. I need to speak to my support worker A.S.A.P. This is far from over and as soon as he realises it is, I seriously worry for my life.

[cassandra05]

Kip Thank you once again, I am googling as I write, I have been keeping a journal of his abuse since Feb but gave up in April since I was writing in it every other day; one day for example I wrote in it every hour, I gave up since the abuse was so self evident by then. I did not think about evidence, I was just keeping it to remind myself of what he had done to me. Also I was so embarrassed and ashamed of running back to this man, begging forgiveness, I felt very much that I knew what he was doing and in some way allowing it continue I was giving him permission to abuse me. Since the break up I have been writing down the experiences I have had with him, when those intrusive thoughts come, it is the only way I can quell the panic attacks. I have known for awhile I just had to wait it ou; if I split from him it would be very dangerous.

After I posted this I spoke to a good friend on the phone who I have been speaking to for the last 4 years about his behavior she reminded me, that his whole interactions with me were to keep me off balance, to be in control. As you have pointed to KIP, I have found some other things that I will not go into, could identify me, that he can use as a, look at how nice and kind I am to her. Never as he done these things before.

Narcissism, what he as decided I suffer from, I get the sense that may be projection. I have looked into this. My name is not pulled out of a hat, there is a syndrome now referred to as Affective Deprivation and recognised by the DSM V book, which is associated with relationships with specific personality types and learning disabilities. Mine reckons he as one of these and I no longer care, I will not make excuses for behavior because he is the poor victim of a condition. Abuse is abuse, and he knows it, played a very smart game and still is. The condition he says he as could in no way deceive and play with others in the way he as. but there is a huge cross over of tendencies between the 2, I have felt he is (detail removed by moderator) for a while, his family seem full of them, they lie, deceive, have no true empathy for others unless it fulfills their needs, the moment a person no longer act in a way they deem as useful or fulfilling a desired ego boost, then the bile that comes out of all of their mouths about others is truly disturbing.

Cecile, no apologies, no remorse, no thank you for all you have done for me, no recognition of me at all. No recognition that I am coming out of this relationship so much worst off than I entered it, I was in a very successful high paying job, a vocation. He threatened suicide until I quit it and stayed at home to become his full-time career. His life through my support is so much better than it was, me on the other hand, poor and probably going to need therapy for the rest of my life.

I need to get the hell away, this house keeps me unbalanced, even when he is not present, the trauma I have experienced here is engulfing me from all sides. Until I am away from him and here I can not even cry without having a huge panic attack, I am so sorry for rambling on. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place, I can not understand sometimes what the hell is going on with me. I suppose it is like having spent the (detail removed by moderator) years been cornered by a lion, and now the lion as took a few steps back I feel like I should have a sense of relief, but I do not, I see others petting the lion like he is a sweet kitten, whilst I can not shake the feelings of fear, tread, I can not leave the corner; I have been here so long I feel paralysed; unable to move.

Thank you all so much

[cassandra05]

Littletoots, I am also alone this New year, my heart goes out to you, I also live rurally. My isolation and lack of food on the other hand usually comes from not being able to leave my room/house for sometimes up to a few weeks.

Please try not to allow the shame, stupidity and so on destroy you you completely, I let it go on to (detail removed by moderator) years and am going to need extensive mental health, some nights I think I should go to the hospital and book myself into the ward. So you can see what is happening as I did all those years back, get help, pick up the phone and call Women’s Aid they help so much just even a chat.

Empower yourself, could you get a taxi to the shops, a long walk tomorrow with the dogs to a shop. You are so lucky to have dogs, my recent ex would not let me, as a friend said they would have probably attacked him when he was abusing me 🙂 Do something he would not expect you to do and that is not need him. I do not know your financial or physical abilities to be able to do what is suggested, but even if you cry all the way there and back believe me it may make you feel a little better about yourself.

Maybe contact your son and say you have no interest about talking about he relationship with him but could he help you get some food in.

You are not alone there are many of us isolated and alone at this time of year and we are here to speak to, hold out a hand and give you a cuddle. Please look after yourself.

[cassandra05]

ssid please do not call yourself stupid, did you not get enough of that from him and I am crying whilst typing this because this is exactly I how feel; every time I call myself stupid I hear and see him saying it. We are not stupid, we have had our thoughts spinning, looking in so many directions for a reason, for an excuse, for anything to explain their behavior away. They confuse, control coerce us so well, it is hardly surprising we never looked full on at them and this is their trick, their slight of hand so to say.

I would also like to thank you for waking me up to a connection I never truly made, but it is yet another reason why he made my skin crawl at times. OMG his sexual attraction to me would usually always follow after him abusing me, after he had scared me and had me spinning, crying and usually begging for forgiveness, since gas-lighting would always lead to it been my fault. I would catch him watching videos of women been punched, or on incel chat rooms. Oh and Aaso he quite often said he hated me. I still refuse to think I am stupid for this, I was in survival mode in a bubble of his creation that nothing existed outside of this it became my normal, frightening but not stupid.

I refuse to think of myself as being stupid even though I have only just made this connection. I truly hope that you you stop making such negative judgements about yourself too. Mine will not leave the house even after going around telling everyone he was the one that was abused, he keeps changing tactics so please keep your guard up, do not play into his games, yes or no answers to questions if you have to talk to him, do not get pulled in and keep safe. I picture mine as a blackhole standing there trying to suck everything that I am away from me, feeding off my energy, i.e. the pleasure of seeing me break. Like a blackhole he will never fill he will just take and take but only if we allow it. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but all together we will all get through this

Sending you a huge cuddle

[cassandra05]

Findmyself, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it is truly heartbreaking. I hope YOU know the truth about your mental condition, mine as told me throughout the years I have Borderline Personality Disorder among others. As we split he had decided that I was a narcissist and pathological, and the abuse he had taken from me was learned helplessness, because I did everything for him because he threatened me with violence, and killing me and suicide, or killing me then killing himself if I did not. The amount of googling he does for mental health conditions is astounding; yet never seemed to come across Projection. All that you describe is a common tactic use by the abuser, I have being taught by my worker.

I am not sure how he is sending you the messages but there will be a digital signature somewhere as to when sent and from whom, also if say a JPEG file or any multimedia image has a specific signature code. If the police were to look into it these things can be easily verified. A friend who had to deal with a serious harassment from an abusive ex told me about a clever trick she used. Do you know when you send an email that can not be delivered and it returns the message. You change the information to make it look like it as being rejected from all your email account and every time they send a message you send the one that says it can not be delivered back to them. They believe you do not have the email/message but you do, she collected a lot of evidence this way.

It is unfortunate you do not have a Women’s aid near you have you tried contacting them to see if they could set up a meeting with a support worker closer to your village/town, they can meet you away from the office I think, or maybe put you in touch with some group/support closer to home, you deserve all you can get to help you with relocating, counseling and so on.

Findmyself please look after yourself, and keep posting, you have probably lost a lot of what it is to be you in all of his games, I know I have, tell your GP, write a letter to your GP telling them all the abuse you have suffered and how it as affected you. I did that today, very clinical, bullet points, emotionally detached because I know once I get in the GPs office I will fall apart and not have anywhere enough time to discuss all I have been through and how badly my mental health as being affected by this, maybe you GP can get you support. Also if you wish to go to the police in the future it is recorded with them.

KIP like you say I minimalised the extent of my abuse last year I scored just 1 point under the legal threshold to safeguard me, this scared me, this year higher, but because we have now split for some reason the risk goes down. Odd since women’s aid and other sources are telling me I am in the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship, the trying to get away. I am still live in the house with him, sofa surfing as much as possible. Like you say I want to tell the police so that other women in the future have some recourse if they go, I know he already has a police record but not sure if he as any for violence, I should check. The new laws whilst truly excellent do concern me in the sense that once you have made your statement it is then out of your hands and whilst I still have to live in the same house that could be very dangerous. But I do have an over riding sense of moral duty to myself and future victims to at least look into it. I will talk again to my worker and get back to you all.

A huge cuddle to all who read this.

[cassandra05]

Thank you Kip and Landy.

Odd isn’t it that the shame, embarrassment and simply self-respect and dignity stops me/us from shouting this from the highest rooftop. I know I am his victim yet I would never want others to view me as such; his whole existence revolves around playing the victim, to me, to the state, his family, his so-called friends and now anyone who will listen. I have had support with women’s aid a couple of times over the last couple of years trying to figure this out and they, fortunately, made me realise the importance of sharing this with friends so I have 1 friend who I began to tell 2 years ago. They are putting straight anyone who I respect and care about straight, but yet I hate the thought of strangers or those who do not really know me believing his crap. The damage he as done to my mental health scares me, the thought that strangers looking at me might be thinking it’s her that crazy abusive one, I know but I live in a small place.

I have thought about going to the police, if not for myself but so that any unfortunate women who meet him in the future would be believed by them. It is apparent to me now that the way he talked about his ex’s was to get sympathy and play the victim with me, to keep me from talking to them, and the initial manipulation tactic and control by which I changed my behaviour so that I did not act in the ways he told me they acted, the first sign of coercion I suppose and a great way to tell if I would be easy to manipulate, coerce and control in the future. Only now I hear the meaning of the phrases he used like “nobody knew how crazy my ex was, I managed to help her in (control) the way she behaved around others.” I was so blind

Anyway if I get the police involved my fear is that if it goes nowhere it is something else he can use against me. If he was not charged and found guilty he would quickly spin and manipulate it to his advantage…I told you how crazy she was/is, telling lies about me. His innate ability with language and argument could convince most that the sky was green. I shall discuss this with my support worker, thank you, but I do worry and have witnessed so many hurt even more by going down this route

As far as staying away from him I have to go home, he does not even own a towel, pot or pan never mind the furniture. I feel like a burden on my friends, women’s aid will only put me in a refuge hours away from my only friends and support, who I have not seen for years but have been so kind. Also, I have to sort out hundreds of pounds of bills with him, I can not afford them alone.

I am just so tired and exhausted all I want to do is go home curl into a ball and cry, but I have no home anymore. It’s all so sad.

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