Curtains

[Curtains]

Yes I agree with not pressuring myself too much with the list I’ve been thinking this myself. I’ve been trying to do at least one thing a day but I need to practice been in the moment with it as my mind is always in another place…..thank you again 😊

[Curtains]

Yes I have had therapy for the ocd and I’m pretty good with managing it but unfortunately there is no cure so keeping it under control is the only thing I can really do. I do meditate but I don’t do nearly as much as I should so think that’s something I need to do. It is currently on a self care list I’ve made for myself but I’m struggling with doing much of it at the moment. I’ve also referred myself to my local mental health team aswell to see if I can get more therapy for my traumas past and present. In regards to the topic of me not knowing I just have to keep telling myself that nothing has happened to my daughter she hasn’t come to any harm and I have no solid evidence but as he is abusive I would never be able to discuss my fears properly with him nor do I trust him in any other way so that’s enough for me. Thank so much for your kind replies darcy 😊 it feels so much better to air this out without it swimming round my brain.

[Curtains]

Braelynn thank you for your reply it almost brought a tear to my eye. There’s a lot of sense in what u say. I’m feeling better than I did yesterday and starting to feel the benefits of him not been in my life and slowly step by step finding myself again. Ur right that he became me and I didn’t feel like a person without him. On reading that from u I’ve come to the realisation that what I’ve been going through has been my brain readjusting like a withdrawal. I’m still by no means out of the woods mentally but I’m on the right track. I’ve found this forum has helped me massively.

[Curtains]

Wants to help….lol thank you for that with the curtains thing it put a well needed smile on my face 😊 thing is I did feel empowered at 1st by it but has the grief has set in and me been a naturally empathetic person and a worrier plus I have ptsd anxiety and depression aswell all which make me overthink and analyse everything my brain has done massive somersaults since we split and tbh I I did want zero contact and the thought of speaking to him atm makes me feel anxious so it’s been a good thing but I also have kinda wanted him to get in touch too which I know sounds strange but everything is just so conflicted in my mind right now and this is also the longest time I’ve ever gone without any form of contact and not knowing what he’s doing. In the past when we’ve split I’ve found myself stalking his social media (even tho we’re not friends on there I could still see his friends list and he was deliberately adding girls and liking their pics etc) I kept finding things on there that were driving me nuts but this time I’ve even blocked all that so there’s less temptation and even tho I’ve had to fight the urge to look I’ve managed it so all that will help with my healing in the long run it’s just all very strange.

[Curtains]

Wants to help
Yes u have a very good point there. Another thing I realised was when he rang me to complain about the thing I was scared to tell him he had gone to do this thing himself to try get one over on me on his head thinking he was clever but then found out that I’d already done it (this thing I’m doing is superficial and nothing bad by the way) but it was something he never allowed me to do. When he was talking about it I could hear the panic in his voice that his abuse wasn’t working. He has no power hence the reason why I’ve heard nothing from him since.

[Curtains]

Fuzzy blanket. Thank you for your reply I feel very lost and confused atm I will look into the things you 2 ladies have mentioned and hopefully they will help.

[Curtains]

Headspinning yes I totally agree with you and yes I started doing that too hiding things and they could be the simplest of things so I didn’t trigger him. Even innocent messages from friends and if he ever found this out he would call me sly. I just couldn’t win no matter what I did.

[Curtains]

Scapegoat thank you so much for your reply yes Uve hit the nail on the head with the property thing I was thinking this myself. He doesn’t care about me as a person or my feelings. He wanted me for a long time but I was never interested in that way he wasn’t my type at all then we became good friends and after a good while been friends my feelings for him changed and I decided to give him a chance and I remember him been so pleased he’d finally got what he wanted so guess I’ve kinda been like a trophy to him.

[Curtains]

Hi headspinning. Thank you for your reply, I have also thought this that he’s doing it to destroy my self esteem and confidence. This behaviour started a few weeks into the realtionship. I certainly wouldn’t treat him this way but I’ve found myself calling him out on doing things that he wouldn’t allow me to do as I don’t think it’s fair for him to do things he would have a problem with and that’s obviously no good and certainly not healthy. There are already other ways hes controlling aswell. He also has hardly any friends or family due to his behaviour and is very selfish. I know deep down I’ve done the right thing and a massive part of me is glad I’ve finally gained the strength to leave. He would regularly break up with me for a few days for the most silliest of things. I’ve lost count of the amount of times he did that to me. I’m just going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now. 1 minute I’m super relieved and looking forward to the future the next I’m missing him badly and just want to see him. It dosent help that we were such good friends before we got together. It’s like a double hit of losing a friend and a boyfriend in one. I also feel so upset that it’s all turned out like this. I’ve already had an awful lot of trauma in my life ever since childhood and I just feel like this is another scar to add to my collection.

[Curtains]

Thank you so much for your reply darcy 😊 I think the thing that is getting to me the most is not knowing if I’m right in thinking these things or if it is just my trauma carrying over. I also suffer with ocd so my brain feels very uncomfortable with uncertainty especially in serious situations like this.

[Curtains]

Hi wants to help…thank u so much for your reply. I feel like I’m the one who has been dumped because even tho I left he then turned it round by throwing something at me and when I responded he said he didn’t want any of his stuff anymore and to keep it cos I was an horrible b*****d and he didn’t even wanna see me so that is what makes me feel like I was the one who was dumped. I know that it’s just an abusers attempt at turning it round and playing the victim because I stood up for myself and he wanted to make himself feel better but I just feel so crap about it all.

[Curtains]

Iliketea thank u so much for your reply. I know deep down I’ve done the right thing but I just feel like I’m the one who has been dumped and I’m going through so many feelings right now and they’re all so confusing. I also miss him. We were really good friends before the realtionship and I feel like I’m suffering a massive loss. I feel like my entire world is collapsing. I have all the foundations to get better. A few supportive friends, my mum has been visiting a little more often and I have my lovely daughter and some good neighbours. I also have many things going for me but just don’t feel happy at all infact I’m depressed but I’m plodding along trying to make sense of everything and trying my best to keep going but right now I feel like I’m never gunna get through this ☹️

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