Duck

[Duck]

He’s still driving past your house? I guess we broke free and that will always frustrate them.

Hopefully him moving on will do me a favour as he is no longer obsessed with me, but it’s still hard. It feels like all the good memories have disappeared in the escape and bitter break-up and now he’s moved on too. I feel so frustrated that I can’t warn her – I don’t think it would bother me if it were a stranger but I feel almost responsible as I know her best friend. It will always bother me that I can’t report him, that men like this can’t be punished.

[Duck]

Thank you for your help.
Luckily we have no mortgage and weren’t married, but he is really holding on tightly to the links he does have with me!

[Duck]

He’s contacted me at least every couple of days since the break-up and either he tries to be overly nice, tries to be normal, as if nothing has happened, or things get heated and angry and he’s horrible. I want to stop all contact, but until I’m financially free of him, and have all my stuff, I can’t be

[Duck]

I know how you’re feeling. I’m trying to break ties with my ex, like sorting out finances, and he’s suddenly being all nice and trying to meet for coffee and telling me how he is there for me. I know it’s all a ruse because he never asks how I am, but instead asks me to explain how I’m feeling about it all. He’s not interested in me, nor does he contact me for my sake, it is always because he has an ulterior motive. I want to go no contact with him, but he tries to contact me often and tries to be all nice! It does make me feel guilty, like I’m being unfair, but the other day I mentioned the abuse on the phone and he still doesn’t seem to recognise it. I start to almost doubt it was that bad, but then I look at a photo I have of my bruises and it reminds me how horrific it was.

Please don’t feel weak and guilty. I know exactly why you would feel like that, but it’s not your fault. I don’t think convincing ourselves that they do everything deliberately helps, but I think we have to acknowledge that they don’t think like we would want them to and that they honestly think they are doing the right thing, however twisted it may be in reality! I know my ex cares so much about himself that no one else matters and that I am a prize that got away. I was adored by him at times and then neglected the rest of the time. Being with me now has more appeal now that I am gone. These men will do whatever they can to control situations where they can get what they want, whether it be having you back or simply getting their own way.
x

[Duck]

I was watching a tv programme and a character said “I am a free man”. It’s really resonated with me.
It’s hard to remember that I’m not actually alone and miserable, I am free from a worse misery
x

[Duck]

Hi Doglover99,
I’m going through a separation at the moment too, so can only share the advice others are giving me.
My ex is contacting me a lot and I’ve noticed that it focuses all on him, which is what your husband seems to be doing. It focuses the issue onto their pain and not what they’ve done to cause pain. You can’t turn all emotions off, but you need to stop feeling guilty about what he says. He may well be verbalising it to you because he has no one else to tell.

I think writing down all the bad things will help and then you can refer back to them. A therapist suggested writing down the ‘reality’ vs the ‘fantasy’ of having been in the relationship and it makes things clearer.

x

[Duck]

I’m really struggling at the moment as my now ‘ex’ keeps trying to contact me. He is desperately trying to charm me and win me over. Even when I tell him there is no hope of us getting back together, he says there is always hope! I feel sorry for him and don’t want to hurt him, no matter how much he has hurt me. I keep asking him to give me space and let me breath, but he can’t seem to do it. It’s like he is trying to control me still.

[Duck]

Hi Lisa,
Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve known for a while that I shouldn’t be so stupid as to get back with him and I need to try my best to stay strong to it. I’ve tried to break up with him almost every time we’ve argued for almost 6 months, because it makes me so unhappy, but he’s always drawn me back by being loving, caring and making promises. Is this what abusive men are like? They draw you in with false promises? When we first met he was so attentive and almost seemed to worship me, he told me what a domestic god and romantic man he was. After I moved in, the attention and fuss were only at particular times that he wasn’t distracted by whatever he wanted to do. I discovered he was lazy, didn’t do much around the house and didn’t even clean himself. He is addicted to his computer and talking to people online, so when I felt upset about not getting his attention, he would get annoyed and we would argue.
I know I need to take control and not get sucked in.
D x

[Duck]

Thank you, Falling Skys.
I feel so angry, cheated, lost and heartbroken all at the same time 🙁

[Author]

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