hellokitty

[hellokitty]

Just wanted to say, downloading my feelings here have made me feel a lot better thank you…
Thank you for having this space!

[hellokitty]

*Sorry wasn’t clear but I’m expected to do both school drop offs & pick ups

[hellokitty]

Yes your body your choice. I’ve learnt this the hard way. How could you possibly want sex when he’s been mean? I wonder if manipulative people misinterpret it as a “manipulative tactic” and be outraged by it when in fact it’s just a genuine ask for an emotional bonding and respect. You owe sex to absolutely nobody even if someone wants to convince you do. I believe I read it on one of Lundry Bancroft’s book that it’s common tactic for an abusive man to demand sex after an argument etc and make it feel like the relationship is all ok, when in fact it’s just a cover up and it doesn’t help with emotional bonding. This topic resonates with me so much and boils my blood! I hope you are ok sending you hugs xx

[hellokitty]

Hi Bluebird, sorry to hear what you are having have to go thorugh… I wonder if you are going through different stages of healing? Sorry I think I learned in one of the Bloom courses but I can’t remember the exact stages (obviously I need to go back and watch it again!) I’m yet to leave but think I am at Anger stage, where thinking back of what he’s said & done, now knowing that they were all manipulation, it angers me so much. Angry at perpetrator and at myself, for gaslighting my feelings for so long. I would imagine I will go through different emotions including despression when I manage to leave…emotional roller coster…

I’m relatively close to his family and they have been really lovely, so it is pretty devastating to think he will go on his smear campaign and paint me in a bad light when I leave. A monster who took his kids away after all he’s done for his family…I can only hope that they will eventually see the truth. Do you think his family’s never realised he’s manipulative?  That’s one question I have for his family too. My perpetrator seem to behave so much better infront of his family memeber who seem to have “higher social status”, but not infront of someone who he sees beneath him. He would actively bully that family member so they should know he’s abusive….but they haven’t shown any concerns for me, so it’s all strange.

I keep telling myself that all I can do is to protect and prioritize my safety and well-being. Do you have any caseworker from DA charity working with you? I hope you can get a support it’s sad to hear you are scared. Sending you hugs and keep posting xx

[hellokitty]

Hi Chocolatebunnie, so sorry to hear what you are going through. That sounds really tough, especially when it feels like even kids are on perpetrator’s side. You are looking after 4 kids while having an elusive husband…you are doing so so so well. I find my kids be all over my abusive husband when he’s around and sometimes say demeaning things to me, but when his away on business trip or something, they are calm and even say things like “it’s peaceful”. It makes me wonder if that’s their way of survival, to mirror who appears to be in power in their eyes..someone once said to me that “kids know who’s always been there to look after them” and I believe that’s true. Not much of a help, but sending you hugs xx

[hellokitty]

Hi Karisqq, I came across your post and didn’t want to read and run. I’m sorry to hear you witnessed really difficult things as a kid, and for what you’ve been through. “I just feel like no one can save me, no one can bring me out of the darkness, perhaps that’s true.” This bit really resonated with me, I felt exactly the same for a long time and was in a dark place too (and still ups and downs). Sending you hugs.  DA does seem like a lesson on lonliness…! In my case, it was also a lesson to reach out for help as I really struggled with it before…Thank you for sharing this you are not alone and keep posting xx

[hellokitty]

I don’t think it’s stupid at all. Like you I’ve feeling so much guilt ever since I’ve reached out to WA and other places and slowly planning my escape. This feeling of “doing something behind his back” is unbearable, especially when the husband is in a “nice phase” and being pleasant. I am so sorry to hear what’s happening, I don’t have any wise words to say but I’m gonna share a quote from a book by Lundy Bancroft called Daily Wisdom for Why does he do that? – “I am standing up for myself, even if it’s in ways that he can’t see. And I’m going to keep doing so, and do it more.” Keep posting, sending love xx

[hellokitty]

Just wanted to comment, I’ve been mulling over going to refuge for a long time and came across this post. Loved seeing your updates and advise. Thank you and love to keep hearing! xx

[hellokitty]

Just wanted to say you are doing so well, and you’ve given me strength. You are taking a step closer to a
safe and peaceful life you deserve. It’s understandable that you miss him … there’s a phrase Taylor Swift said in one of her interviews that I really like, it went like “you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t (I can’t remember the inbetween) so focus on being your own hero” and I think you are doing exactly that, being you own hero x

[hellokitty]

Thank you very much Lisa for the information, I really appreciate it!
I’ve managed to get hold of the refuge, they said they will update me after they have a meeting and assured me that the bill they sent across isn’t anything big. I will keep trying even if this time it doens’t somehow work out & keep posting, thank you, this forum really has saved me so many times!

[hellokitty]

Thank you so much for your insight. I received another unsolicitated advise (I didn’t start the conversation either) from my friend which went like “You shouldn’t let him…”,”You should tell him…”, and that I needed to handle things smarter…which was just rubbing salt into the wound, so reading your comment really helped so thank you.

You are absolutely right, it’s not on us to get them to understand, such a good point. It had sort of made me derail, been thinking “how do I get her to understand?” when I really couldn’t afford to be using my time and energy on it.

She is only trying to help, and I realised that I just need to ask myself how much do I want the person to be involved. If it’s making me uncomfortable, set boundries…(how am I still suffering from this after all the experience from DA!) I think I will subtly reduce the amount of contact. As much as I appreciate her being there, it is making me wobbly.

The whole thing really made me appreciate having this safe space to share things even more. Thank you xx

[hellokitty]

I love that! You have educated me thank you. I thought, now that I’d taken so many courses on DA I should be able to explan well, but my mind just went blank in the moment. “Its not easy or logical”… spot on.

“words can really hurt, and we sometimes collect the wrong kind of friends too but don’t beat yourself up, these men love strong women, they’re master manipulators and cuckoos who thrive by not being obvious in their ways”

So much wisdom… I suppose I was trying to be understanding, but I must admit it did hurt. She didn’t realise there was so much suffering, learning, healing, patience and careful planning etc and must have imagined that I was “sitting there doing nothing” (which is my perpetrator’s favourite phrase). Thank you for your kind words, I’m so glad I shared it here.

They’re master manipulators, how I wish I relised this a lot earlier…I’m ready to leave but it still boggles my mind daily that someone can be so manipulative and weaponize absolutely evey word. Even a yes or a no… thank you for your comment xx

[hellokitty]

Thank you Sungirl, I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with it too. I didn’t know about occupation order so really appreciate that info, adding that to the list of exit options! That’s such a great point about making choice between property/home and our safety/wellbeing, it was a wake up call – I’ve been thinking about the material posessions, about the house, the neighbours, kids school, the town for the last couple of weeks…and gradually realising that as much as I adore what we have and don’t let go, safety, peace and wellbeing still come above all of them. “I can’t do it anymore”…I feel exactly the same way. I hope you find the best way out for you at the right time. I am looking into Universal Credit and social housing too, thank you and you are not alone xx

[hellokitty]

Thank you Better-days, I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through the same situation. I hear you, it really is terrifying. Same here, going to a refuge was never my option, and it came as a huge shock to learn that my best option would be to go to a refuge with kids. Just like you said, I know my husband would do anything to pay me back ten folds if I ever did go with kids. God knows what exactly but I know he will try to make my life miserable…I read someone’s advice on other forum about sticking to “no contact” after leaving to avoid abuse after leaving, I initially thought it was sad but I think that’s what I would do. I hopw you are ok too and you are not alone xx

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