Imfree

[Imfree]

im struggling also to trust I guess its a common issue for survivors.
I struggle to trust my new partner that he wont cheat on me or start secret relationships behind my back (as my ex narc did) I also find it hard to trust because a close friend of mine who knew most of what I was going through just turned her back on me when I needed her the most after I left him. She knew I was struggling and low and yet somehow managed to support other joint friends that became my ex’s friends and then girlfriend. How do trust after being betrayed by so many people. For having your exs new partner telling you your a liar when you know you have only spoken the truth by the ex is so manipulative that he can convince people I lied and that his actually a really nice guy and make people feel sorry for him! its a sad world we live in that people have the ability to hurt each other so much

[Imfree]

sorry to hear your all dealing with this too!
CMS have at least now switched to collect and pay and sent a DEO out so I should hopefully get some money from December onwards. Its been over 5 months now without any child maint and it sickens me how can they sleep at night knowing they cheat they poor children out of what they are entitled to for just a decent life! Disgusting behaviour

[Imfree]

it def is further abuse its financial abuse – its awful as its calculated too and sadly my children suffer too!

Just want what im owed how can they think its ok to deprive us, he spends so much bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen and people that don’t know me in the bid to get them to feel sorry for him! also that ive ‘rinsed him’ how can he say then when I haven’t had a penny.

[Imfree]

Hi ya
Im going to be going to the freedom programme in September, I cant wait – I feel like it will be very emotional but also nice to be around women who understand what ive been through and still going through. I believe it looks over all aspects of abuse and how to spot early warning signs in any new relationships

[Imfree]

enofadov – ive pm’d you

(Detail removed by Moderator) – my ex partner also had sex with me against my will, but the police have dropped their investigation as they fond no evidence on his mobile phone! I mean there cant be many rapes and assults were the perpetrator actually fims or takes photos or talks about it – I guess their are some cases but in relation to DA surely most wouldn’t be! so im told if I wish to reopen the case I would be required to give my mobile for the polivce to download to look for evidence inc his defence. I obviously don’t have any evidence only me more recently since I left him and maybe not long before I left talking to my friends about it, but I didn’t report it to the police when It actually happened or report to my doctor at the time only since I left him.
I was having physco sexual counselling to do with all this as I couldn’t cope with being touched even in a non sexual mannor – would me discussing and openly talking about this to the counsellor be good enough evidence? he was present on a few occasions and she witnessed me say to him once but you had sex with me against my will don’t yiu think that would stop me wanting to be intimate and affectionate towards you! im so upset I just feel like these men do all this and get away with it all – its so unfair and unjust – why do they get away with it – were is the justice?

[Imfree]

one thing you could do is sugest a week in future ( when u know u will have left) and suggest waiting for a last minute deal – their are loads so its not like he can question it too much.

Just be careful – if your planning to leave try and do it asap because for all the best will you may stay – he could also pick up on your body language and things escalade – this happened to me to the point my forward plan for a few months later became I need to get out now whats the first day his back to work so I can leave safely.

call womensaid ask them to put you in touch with local help they can help you to plan your escape – its very stressful it wont be easy – but it will be better than being in a abusive relationship x

[Imfree]

my ex recently texted me to say sorry and he misses me and the kids, but didn’t allaborate on what exactly his sorry for! and given that he goes around convincing people of his lies and adamantly claims im ‘playing the victim’

I also get told that he is also scared! and he doesn’t understand why I didn’t just say I wanted to separate and he would have left!! all complete nonsence he told me almost daily he didn’t care, didtn want to be with me anymore, why him, why of all the people in the world did he end up with me and that he is the normal one im weird, I am a boring …. its my fault, what do I expect its been years of shit for him no affection or sex etc, no other man would ever put up with me, I can go live in a council house and be on my own forever etc etc

I think the biggest thing we need to understand is that they just don’t think logically!
they don’t have the capacity to see the destruction and pain that they cause, because they justify it somehow in their brains and its like its ok and normal behaviour and were the ones who aren’t thinking straight – they tell you so many times you start to almost fully believe them

its so hard I literally have no clue how I am ever going to move on and trust a man ever again!
or even just not feel like an emotional wreck The only thing I cling too is things will have to get better and being at this low point will drive us to move up and be happy

[Imfree]

just wanted to say your not alone, I feel the same.

its like your free from the imminent and constant abuse but still having abuse in other forms usally via the children!

[Imfree]

HI
I left my partner a few months ago, one of the things that he did to me was to have sex with me against my will!
I also struggle with classing it as rape, I had been out excersing with a friend we then drank some wine on empty tummies and I was very drunk, I came home fell over whilst getting undressed and he firstly helped me then undressed me and did it, despite me saying no it hurts.

I literally don’t know how to move on from this, I was having physco sexual counselling before I left him, this id asked for as I couldn’t cope with him touching me at all even non sexual. How can you ever trust a man again?

I’m interested to hear if anyone has taken their ex’s to court to get justice for this? the police want me to support it, I’m scared as I don’t know what will happen and its scarey to goto court. I also wonder what happens for my children how they will take any sentencing if he went to prison etc.

[Imfree]

thank you all for your replies

the problem I have is  (detail removed by moderator) If I did goto court for a contact order it will mean possibly he gets more access, and it will cost me thousands and thousands.

Originally it was supervised contact at my friends and after good behaviour it has extended to unsupervised but limited times.

The children are both begging me to see him more, which is so hard as I want them to be happy. The abuse was witnessed by them but other than the occasions he was favouring one child and being emotionally neglectful of the other. He reminds me all the time via text message that he has the same parental rites as I do!!

Ultimately I want for them to have contact but for it to be safe contact and for them to enjoy their timewith him.

They do report back to me after contact and generally its all ok, only that his saying things and maybe not following through with them, or saying he loves us all and misses us all and wants me to join them etc. This is hard as I have to then try to explain to them that daddys being a kind good daddy now, and when we were together it wasn’t a happy time for us.

last poster – please don’t feel ashamed or bad we stay because we hope and prey things will improve, they will see the error of their ways and change. But of course this day never arrives so we have out “breaking points” all we can do is work on ourselves and happy futures were we can live without fear or sadness that were get hurt again.

xx

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