Imnotcrazyyouare

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

I’m autistic and also have adhd. I also have ptsd, anxiety, and psychosis. This is exactly how I feel most of the time! Like what is my traits and me being a nightmare an what is him! It’s so tricky to work out and I think it’s one of the reasons I can’t fully succumb or accept the fact that what I experience is abuse. Like sometimes I’m like oh my god it’s me I’m the bad guy I’m not being abused! Then the following day he will do something completely irrational and I’ll confirm with myself no I believe this is abuse! But then I’ll talk myself out of it the next day when I act mad it’s a never ending cycle!

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

I myself have been in a very similar situation. Your story really resonates with me. I too have suffered from mental health issues, one’s that I couldn’t help. My partners reaction to that was to completely let me down, not picking up the slack for the kids when I was unable. He instead decided to invest his time in an addiction. Which he chose to keep secret, secrets and lies do not pair well when people are already struggling with poor mental health. So what did he do? Blamed it on my mental health told me I was seeing things and all my accusations were false an entirely in my head. He kept this up well over a year. I lost everything my self respect, my friends, my family, my kids (they had to live with family members as home life was too volatile. Anyway eventually he owns up not before I almost got sectioned though. He allowed that to happen in front of his eyes an didn’t once speak up. When I started to get better as he got clean an I was able to try to focus on myself, he would criticise me for building up the childcare gradually again, saying it’s all my fault that the kids aren’t there and trying to poison me against my family who I freely gave my children to because I was worried about his addiction. He tried to say everything was fine now so we should have our kids. But it wasn’t fine because I was a broken person. If I don’t sleep I get psychotic symptoms so if I didn’t sleep I’d say we can’t have the kids tonight as I’m not well enough. He would tell me I was awful for doing that! He would say I was a bad mum. He called me name after name an eventually I broke down an had a breakdown. Like me it sounds like you tried your hardest to protect your child from the negative impact this man had on your life. That says one thing to me you are a good mum and you are trying your best. You can do it and your child will grow up to be resilient, understanding and strong. Your child will grow to understand mental illness and show compassion in a world where it’s so limited! All I can say is keep strong keep fighting and keep going as this post is only a post a good mother would write.

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

You sound in a fairly similar place to me. Where you don’t want to leave because your comfortable and still hopeful.. however your in a place where you’ve realised you HAVE to start making leaps for yourself despite what your partner may have to say! Because mentally if you don’t put effort into fulfilling your goals and dreams then your left feeling empty! I know your terrified of the chain reaction, I was when I decided to go into a mixed (meaning women an men) career path (obviously my partner believes I should have opted for a job that just has women.. tell me do you know of any such job!? Haha!) but I just went for it. I think he thought I wouldn’t get it, but I exceeded expectation at every stage. Now finally it’s getting real im going to be starting work and I can see the panic setting in for him. You need to make the leap, realistically our men know full well no one else would ever put up with their shit, this is why no matter how nasty they are if we give them a taste of there own medicine and throw them out they will always crawl back despite claiming we are awful. They know full well we are a rare find, we aren’t weak, we are strong and brave. The reason we are still there is because we are strong enough to live like this, it may be hard sometimes and often we will feel like leaving, an maybe some day we all will… but it certainly doesn’t make us weak because we haven’t left. I feel like you need to make this leap, if he’s an ass about it then you just need to stand firm, your doing this to better yourself, if he doesn’t support it that’s his issue not yours, he may try to make it your issue but rise the hell above it. Because these men are weak, they are weaker than us, this is why they hate us and try to break us down because really we have potential to do well and although most of these men radiate confidence and seem so sure of themselves underneath they are terrified.

I hope you can make sense of this.. as it’s slightly rambley but I hope you can get where I’m coming from. Basically GO FOR IT do not let him dictate you, you do you and he may be an ass for a week or so but you are STRONG enough to rise above it!

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

I appreciate the concern I really do… I don’t feel unsafe, the only time I’ve ever felt unsafe is when he was using cocaine. I’ve lived my whole life as a fighter, as someone who never gives up. I know I can’t change him, but he has had a handful of events happen to him which really has impacted him tremendously and I know it’s the real reason behind why he started using cocaine. I also have an empathy because I’m well aware of how destructive my path may have been had I been faced with similar issues. I know it’s no excuse, And I’ve been really firm this time in telling him enough is enough an he needs to sort his self out before he loses everything. I’ve nearly been with him for half my lifetime, I’ve not been well since everything happened I’ve not been myself and yes it’s the damage that he’s caused so he should deal with it in a nice manner but he struggles with my coldness, with my bitterness and doesn’t know how to react to it because in reality I’m not usually a cold person.. I feel like I’m just in a place where I’m struggling to accept what happened and what has become of my life… I lived such a happy life I was so happy, my kids were happy, and I thought he was happy. I just wish that had been enough for him at the time so we could have carried on going upwards. Call me disillusioned but I watched a documentary on abusers managing to change there ways and I feel he really could, but first he needs to accept that he has abused me and at the moment I feel he still blames me, I just need to work a way to just get him to truly see what he’s done.

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

omg!
I completely understand how your feeling! My partner had a secret coke addiction for (detail removed by Moderator) maybe longer. I finally got to the bottom of it.. however it still didn’t explain the fact he was constantly on his phone but never responding to me. He plays a mobile (detail removed by Moderator) game. He had all these chat apps for this game, he told me he was very important on there so had to talk to all his group on the game. Anyway one day he left his phone because he went to sneak an do coke, in the rush he forgot his phone. I opened (detail removed by Moderator). Low an behold he had been chatting to women from a bloody game! Calling them babe and talking to them as if he was bloody with them! My snooping was short lived and I still to this day don’t know what else was on it as he snatched his phone the second he was back. However he then went on to try an commit suicide so there must have been something bad I didn’t see for him to act like that! Do not trust this kind of behaviour, my partner is the most unlikely person to cheat ever however clearly people are very good at lying about who they really are! I’m not so much as allowed to speak to a dad on the playground even if it’s because I need to for something to do with the kids however he was going about messaging girls from all over the bloody world! Your not as bad as him, us woman keep in check we don’t talk to men we don’t give our men any ammunition the point is our men believe it’s one rule for us and another for them!

[Imnotcrazyyouare]

Hello bananaboat.

What I’ve written isn’t even the half of it! I essentially got psychosis because he convinced me the white powder I kept seeing dotted in places around the house wasn’t real and was in my head. It got to the point where I tested it and my tongue came up with a sore bit an went numb and he told me I was imagining it and it wasn’t real so I thought I was hallucinating! The problem is I find it hard to move forward when he still can’t accept the damage he has caused! I feel like he has a n********tic personality disorder or something, so in my head I’m like, well it’s to do with mental health, people cannot help that I know that as well as anyone so I just forgive.

Problem is I’m now at a stage where the damage of the last (detail removed by Moderator) years is hitting me and I’m starting to feel really hateful and I feel a lot of resentment. I’ve just finally got my first proper job and I’m determined not to let him ruin it for me, it’s so important to me! So recently I’ve been really pulling away because I’m scared he’s gonna try and get me into the state when I’m too anxious to do anything or go anywhere!

I get anxiety any time I go somewhere because I know that when I’m home I’ll be quizzed on how many males I’ve come into contact with and then if by chance I’ve had to talk to a man, whether it be in a shop or on the school playground he will be annoyed.. I don’t know what he wants me to do.. and then he’s turned me into this person who is not to pay attention to my surroundings but then he gets angry when he notices something an I don’t!

I feel like he hates the person he’s formed me into!

I feel like everything’s hit me and I was trying to work towards forgiving him but some of the memories are just unforgivable.. but at the same time he’s all I’ve ever known since I was a teenager! I’m worried it’s impacted my kids beyond repair.. and I just want him to realise what he’s done an what he’s doing! I feel like the coke left him with a mental health issue of some kind I just make excuse after excuse for him..

I’m struggling so bad I wanna make something of my life I want him to be along side me not dragging me backwards.. I just wish I could understand why this is happening to me 🙁 why I deserve any of this!

I’ve turned into a person I don’t even recognise I just wanna be me 😢

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