Imogen

[Imogen]

Thanks you Confused123 xx

It is a safe place here which helps a bundle.

[Imogen]

Thank you for sharing that LoverOfNoContact. Those are things I am trying to do. I get so far then wonder what I am doing it for.

He is posting blog entries publicising my leaving him, ostracising me. Casting me out. Maybe he is using his void to get back at me, to carry on the manipulation and bullying.

I like your “progress not perfection”, that speaks volumes, thank you.

I just want it to stop. I’m tired, exhausted with the nothingness and crying. Not for him but because I feel so alone and lost. So very tired.

[Imogen]

This is such strong and sound advice. I left very recently, which my other post explains.

I had gone for the minimal and factual approach. He sent messages, loaded with guilt and emotion, how he was surprised my “depression had manifested in a way that it would reject him.”

He knows it’s a separation and now I just need to know what to do next. I am writing the outline of what is happening but should I do this through a solicitor? I don’t have enough evidence for divorce, emotional manipulation has been hard to prove.

Any advice is greatly welcome, and thankyou so much for your love and support 🙂

[Imogen]

Wow! Thank you ladies!

I have spent the time since then I’m my new location. I am so happy. Yes I have cried and I feel very messed up, but I’ve slept. Oh how I have slept!! I love the silence, I feel alive. I actually FEEL!

There have been some choice messages and guilt loaded ones from him but contact has been minimal. I have stated this is a separation, I do not have enough for divorce evidence-wise, but the important bit is I feel so FREE! I can’t articulate this feeling.

I am now concerned that I have done the wrong thing in terms of admin and paperwork but I am not connected to the house he owns. There was never even a rent agreement.

I’m set to write a letter to him outlining the plan for this time which will be heavy going. I’m nervous about the legalities of all of this. I’ve moved into rented accommodation, am I allowed to do that?! I’m sure I can.

Either way, this has been the heaviest time and yet I feel light, human, able, stronger, present and happier.

Thank you all xxxx

[Imogen]

Thank you, I feel all the more stronger with you by my side Citrine xx

I didn’t want it to go like this, but the situation presented itself so I had to take it. I’ve just got to keep going. In all honesty, the want to stay is so big, but I won’t. I will not stay for this. For this to only happen again and again.

I’m staying strong for me, for you, for all of you xxxx

[Imogen]

Thank you KIP. The house is sitelnt but my head is set to 11! I’m trying to breathe.

I’ve got my friend’s place to stay then my flat is mine in a matter of days.

I fear it speaks volumes that he has been able to still go out and (removed by moderator) today. He loves the controlling, the being in charge, the idea of having a wife.

Thank you so much for this boost KIP, it’s really needed just now.

[Imogen]

Ah sweetheart that is so kind of you to say. We are all here for each other to get each other into happier safer places.

I just posted about the “how to tell him process” which I’m hoping to speak to WA to get clearer advice. I feel the euphoric highs of strength and the massive lows of weakness but it’s this forum that keeps me going, and phenomenal women like you.

I’m with you, and we are doing this at very similar times, so I’m holding your hand step by step 🙂

[Imogen]

Oh Ariel I am so sorryand I desperately hope you are ok. I am happy you are still going ahead though. You are strong and inspiring x

We had a discussion a few months back where I told him I was unhappy where we lived, being with him and he just went quiet. He soon forgot about that conversation and went back to being a bully and insulting and patronising.

[Imogen]

Thanks both.

I tried to call the help line today but kept missing each other. I feel like I should tell him face to face. He is not physically abusive, but I know the statistics may say otherwise. I don’t know. I feel I want to be clear and open. Like I want to do this right and not be like him.

I want to feel I have taken all the right steps and not regret anything. It’s just so hard. I feel going without saying anything feels wrong for me. Does that make sense?

He will not know my new address. Definitely not.

I will try the helpline again tomorrow when I am alone.

[Imogen]

Hey, you are doing great. This was me only weeks ago.

I went flat hunting, viewed some and got one. I have a move in date very soon and ready to go.

I completely know what you are feeling right now. I feel sick to the belly, have been sick with fear of telling him I’m off. He is going the “over the top” love and care because I think he has an inkling something is going on. I feel high as a kite that I am going, the so crushingly low about it. I now have a counsellor at Relate and a solicitor, thanks to the support and advice from WA.

Call WA and talk through it. Honestly, I am awful at talking about things but the voice on the other end of the line offers support, care, ideas, tips and great comfort.

You got this. I don’t know you, but I knew this was me not that long ago X

[Imogen]

Right, I have a move in date.

I have no idea what I am doing now! The only joint thing is that we are married.

Am I right that I can just turn to him and say I am leaving/I want a separation to just get the hell out and then sort legalities after?

I am so scared but so excited and focussed and happy about this move. I have the VERY close friends who are supporting me and are truly happy I have found strengthto do this. My freedom is within my grasp.

Is there anything I need to think of?

[Imogen]

He is being painfully nice, yet still, I know the cycle will come back round. I know that every month, week, I will feel desperate to escape, desperate to be cared for, stronger, wanted, loved and independent. I know I’ll be crying into my pillow every night, wishing I could just end it all now, wishing I was dead.

That can’t be me anymore. The mood swings are swaying massively for me at the moment. I am edging further away from thinking about how HE will feel and how upset HE will be. I have been afraid and upset for years.

I just off to see the flats now. Step one in getting out is in action.

XXX

[Imogen]

So today has been productive. I’ve got 2 viewings for (removed by moderator)  with availability for both in a fortnight. I spoke to WA who pointed me in the direction of the Law Society for a list of local solicitors, had a panic attack and a cry.

I get home and he is being nice, caring and saying “are you alright?” And “are you having a down day? Want to talk about it?”. He is being kind. I never know where I stand with him. I feel guilty for all I’ve done today now. I feel sad for him. How easy it is to forget how he makes me feel. I have to do this, I’m so miserable with him, I am made so small and pathetic with him. How could I forget how he mocks me? Belittles me? Makes me feel this low.

I need to stay strong.

[Imogen]

We have no joint account and he owns the house. All we share is life insurance. We have lived in the house just coming up to (removed by moderator)  now.

No matter how I do this it will blindside him. He knows I am unhappy yet continues to think and act that everything (in his world) is fine. That it is ok to patronise and belittle my thoughts and feelings. Not once has he followed up our conversation where I told him everything about how broken I am.

I’m scared but it’s the way forward and I need to focus on that.

[Imogen]

It’s kind of what I am realising now. I have always written as a means of release. I stopped because I felt I didn’t have a voice. I feel I don’t have a voice now. I know I think so little of myself, so much so I’m happy to wipe myself off the planet, I think work is the only place and people who would miss me but they will get over that…but then that bit of me says “don’t let him win this. I can rise out of it.”

He is so happy at the moment, he got away with this all being my fault and my issues, that he can make me feel so worthless, empty. He’s forgotten everything I said, because for now, he has won again. I feel sick when I see him, sit with him, sleep next to him (so much so I get out of bed now to sleep in the spare room without him knowing so that I can actually sleep).

I’ll check out the HG Tudor books and the Ballard 🙂 xxxx

[Author]

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