justfedup

[justfedup]

Aww this sounds so much like my situation! Its such a fight atm getting help and support for the little one with schooling and mental health input! I just think everything has gone on too long and nothing is changing, we need to get out into our own little safe place and start again its just so difficult to do! X

I dont even know how I get through day to day at the moment. I sit down after tea and wonder how I did it!!

I rang the LA but to get me in contact with the homeless team who I would have to speak to I have to give all of my information and background and thats just to the guy on switchboard for whole council! Just feel like they could be more discreet than that! X

[justfedup]

Thank you. This is one of reasons I have stuck around so long. I dont want sny fuss and I dont want to cause any problems and I actually feel so bad telling someone. I have never told anyone other than in the past on here. For some reason I feel so protective over him and my family and situation.

Im really trying for minimal disruption. My son is crippled with anxiety and barely attending school and I also suffer with anxiety. I dont want to go to refuge and cause even more upset I just want to bid on a home and move and continue life with some normality. I know its probably too much to ask after 12 years of walking on egg shells but an easy life seems so good right now! X

I had a look into pip, I dont know if its just me not being confident but I dont feel like I would get it and I really dont have sny fight left in me at the moment, I am feeling pretty flat and rock bottom. X

[justfedup]

Prime example right now.. the little one does something.. typical young child and dad looses it.. grabs him to put him on stairs but in a manor which is goong to be frighteing for a child.. little one crying for me. I know he has done wrong but i hate to see him cry ans i want to go to get him yet iv stayed on sofa. I say to dad he needed to handle that more calm and less agressive as he frightening for a child and he tells me to f**k off (detail removed by Moderator) times and i ask him why and he tells me because he is sick of me telling him what to so all of the time.. this whole thing has nothing to do with me yet it is now about me !! His dad sromps off upatairs ans the little one came thru and told me dad was hurtinf his hand squeezing too hard when gettinf him to stairs and thata why he was crying ao much and because he was scared. Is this normal family fall out.. does dad know he was squeezing hand too tight or is he just trying to discipline and im so over sensitive and defensive now i jump on it! Argh.. how things changed just in the couple mins i spent writing the last message!

[justfedup]

Thank you ladies. Sometime you just need to hear its not you actually going crazy for real and what you think doesnt feel lile its right maybe actually isnt rather than it being you just thinking it. I guess what im saying is dont trust my own judgement right now, i cant decide wether he is right or i am or neither of us!! I feel like i am ok and safe right now, he has in the past beenvery aggressive many times like this but never really violent as such and even though he stands by his word that i deserve it and he is right in what he said and did, he is now in his “very nice” patch, even though i have been very distant and off he is being overly nice, i have never rang WA or been to gp, i guess im embarrassed and scared.. my son only has me and im so afraid of anything happening with him, im scared that even if i left one day my son would have to go to him without me therr to protect and defend him. Right now they argue and fall out a lot, its so akward he antagonises our son like he does me at times but im here to stop it and take my son oit of the equation.. i cant so that if he is visiting his dad.. it frightens me to think about it. And it isnt always bad so i feel guilty when i write this kind of stuff like im trlling on him and putting him down but thats not what i want to do i just want to make sense of my own feelings about everything. He does look after us, he works hard and brings in the income to pay our bills and he has done so much work on our home etc which i am so grateful for.. its just these times inbetween which are terrorising!!

[justfedup]

Hi guys, sorry im far from an expert and may have worded that wrong im not saying this issue is an incompatability at all.. i just mean for you together it is not right, as a pair its not ok for you to be feeling this was and therefor it doesnt work and you should not feel like you arr in the wrong for that. Sorry if it came out wrong im on a cloudy head myself 🙂

[justfedup]

Maybe this lack of communication is what you need to break the cycle, love is like an addiction, we need it, we want it and we crave it… unfortunately its often from the wrong people and in the wrong form. Your need/want for communication is natural however try to think of this as withdrawls, its going to get easier as time goes on until you look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. Its not you, its an incompatability and you will move forward and find someone who loves you for you. You dont the man who makes you feel like you are difficult you need the man who loves you and maybe even your difficulties just how they are 😉

[justfedup]

I wish I had also wrote down all of the events. Its literally daily i get something awful happen and yet the days merge and i forget.. and when i try to remember i cant. At the time im an emotional wreck and its a blur unless i write something on here or text someone or even txt him to say i cant believe you said / done this im so upset.. then i just dont even recall all of the horror! Then when he tells me I have an easy life compared to most people and I dont even know the meaning of hard work or abuse etc I doubt myself because I try to think of comebacks and reasons and im blank! Yet it comes back to me in waves! This place is full of supportive people because we all understand what eachother are going through and how it feels to be your own shadow. We will all hit a brick wall in our time im sure when enough is enough and wether we want to admit to ourselves or others that it is abuse or just walk away and say failed relationship.. we know it was wrong and hopefully make us more aware and stronger foe the future! Xx

[justfedup]

Its funny this is EXACTLY how i think and feel.. he seems genuinely upset about things, genuinely nice when he is nice and generally the most awful to me ever when he starts its so confusing and so hard to comprehend.. yet we have both found ourselves here on an abuse forum trting to find help/support/advice.. so we must both know ultimately the behavious we are dealing with arent right.. or maybe coincidental?

[justfedup]

I just feel so lousy that my little one doesnt want to leave me and that its something iv done or im not doing and then having his dad tell me thats it my fault cements that fear of failure 🙁 he is my absolute world, he is literally everything to me, i struggled so hard to carry a child full term and the pregnancy itself was very hard that i just love him and appreciate having him so much, the thought of failing him is sould destroying to me.. i try to be the best mam every single day because i feel so lucky to be a mum and to have such an amazing little boy 🙁 sorry just venting and ranting i need to get it out of my system and i dont really have anyone support around me and i cant talk to his dad.

[justfedup]

Thank you, it is heartbreaking to hear the flip aide, seeing what staying in a bad relationship (or accepting it as abusive) can do to your own children, the effect it has long term on them and us. I think it is so important to hear and share these experiences to get a bigger picture and make you think about the what ifs! X

[justfedup]

Hey Free Fairy your oost is very inspiring and informative thank you! Any updates? Its awful what you are going through and touching on social services, councils etc.. all of my fears!! Its really helpful to read these posts and even though people who have been through it are here to support and advise you i just wanted to say thank you because posts like this help and support people like me who are just beginning to think about the possibility of starting to break away! I hope all has gone well and although there is still a long road ahead.. you are now on the right road… the road to freedom and a new positive and peaceful life for you and your children so well done xxx

[justfedup]

Thank you all for your words ans insight. I do feel like this time something has clicked in me. Usually i would have put it aside by now with a more relaxed apologetuc atmosphere but i just cant seem to stop this one playing in my head, i cant let it go! I still have this numb shocked feeling bothering me, even though i still have the empathy etc I know i wont and cant carry on as i normally would. Maybe its me just becomming less tolerant but i find myseld challenging him at the moment.. a lot and maybe too much? Trying to figure him out and his logic/reason gor behaviours. (Detail removed by moderator)  Then came the heating.. i was cold and put the heating on.. within 10 minutes it was turned off.. i questioned this and he told me “nobody in this house is cold and therefor the heating doesnt need to be on!” I asked if he meant nobody with a valid opinion because im cold and hence why i turned it on.. he told me its not cold, he is hot and my little boy shouted that he was cold too.. obviously me and the little one were wrong.. its not cold apparantly!? So he completely invalidates me, he he thinks he knows and can dictate wether or not im feeling cold? He says i should put more clothes on and maybe i should. I cant work out if my tolerance has bit the dust or if i am being akward and causing myself problems? These are the petry trivial things that are going on every single day (as you can see already its not even lunch time!) Am i being akward and causing myself grief? I just dont teust my own judgement anymore there is no clarity.. i think im right in my thougjts but maybe im not!! So confusing!!

[justfedup]

I do, i do feel so sorry. Like he did used to have a good social group before we got together. Now we have a mortgage, a child, his qork hours are twice as long and all of his friends from before dwindled away as they still just partty and mess around and he is in a totally diff world and he has vlamed me for that for years ans resented me for it but it wasnt my fault… i never made thathappennd he does have other friends etc with work and the odd one but i think thats all part of growing ul.. i have also lost most of my friends in the transition, infact the ones i did stay in contact with he would make it akward or embarrassing to have over so now i dont even see them!! His mum is a narccaist and not very nice and she has practocally disowned him but said she never even wanted him and cried hysterically when she found out she was pregnant so his problems are deep routed!! But i am soft hearted and i do feel for him, this is why having negative thoughts or accepting he might know what he is doing is difficult! I dont want to believe someone (he) is capable of being aware of his behaviours knowing how much it is hurting and crippling me. He apologises and seems very regretful and sorry like he genuinely hates what he has done and then for a few days he will be the good him that i love which makes it easy to forgive and forget and just plod on until the next episode! Im just tired of taking blame for everything.. if he has such a rubbish life and i have ruined his so much and im such a rubbish person then why would he stick around? Im tired of feeling like i am responsible for his behaviours and feelings. Im tired of the mediating and fighting but now hr is back in nice mode that will fade for now, sometimes i wish i could stay mad then i might actually leave!! Something which will never sit well with me is qhen we were talking about my son.. he has said before he doesnt like him much (he was upset about it) and that was awful but he said dhe wouldnt be surprised if my son was the one no body wanted to play with and was the strange kid in the class. I have not and can not forget or forgive this.. what parent says that about their own flesh and blood! He is so hars on the poor boy sometimes and believe me there is nothing wrong with my child.. he is like any other (removed by moderator) year old, full of beans excited, bouncy and extremely clever he is do advance with his work! I just think im boiling over and need to get this out off my chest! I know no body is perfect but why do i feel so guilty and bad about telling even you guys about this? I wouldnt dare tel anybody else because i dont want people thinking badly of him and i also worry about him and what impact that would have on his feelings!

[justfedup]

Thanks guys i know. Its been going on so long ut i do feel like its getting worse with time not better.. the outbursts may be less frequesnt at times but more severe ans the insults etc just keep coming. I think because its my son it just gone too far. I am just so scared of having 3rd party involvement and having that recorded against me and my child if you know what i mean. Its also because i just feel sorry for him and like he doesnt even revognise what he is doing as abuse.. i dont think he knows he is doing so wrong if that makes any sense. If i suspected he knew and was in control of it and was doing it with intent i think it would be so different! Argh its so frustrating and im in a cloud atm of fuzz ans confusion and anger, upset, hurt, guilt, empathy, fear, lonliness.. blah blah blah! :-/

[justfedup]

Sorry about the terrible English.. i wrote this freezing cold and quickly on my mobile phone! I should mention he is the childs father and we have been together (removed by moderator) years. I have stayed for this long because i am afraid when we seperate he will have access to my son without me there to see what happens or there to step in if things escalate. This verbal aggression has been going on since he was just a baby and crying in his cot! He would shout swearing “why wont you just fn sleep” etc.. i completely took over all parental duties to avoid this happening but obviously it isnt so easy to do that now my LO is older! Please dont judge me for this.

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