kestral

[kestral]

I don’t know what CAF stands for but I think what all of us can relate to on this site is not always being listened to by the RIGHT people. When someone hears your story, understands and VALIDATES what you’re saying then you know you are not alone and you’re not mad, weak or ‘deserving’ of what you’re being subjected to. We ‘humans’ (women) have rights and they are to be heard, listened to, respected, acknowledged, appreciated and more.
I believe the most difficult thing about abuse is how it puts us…. the ‘victims’… in the wrong. As though somehow being loving, kind, caring, forgiving is a bad thing and why we’re now being abused. Those attributes are not bad. Only total jerks take advantage of that sort of nature. My rather repetitive theme since joining this site is ‘stay strong and stay safe’ but more than anything….believe in you.

[kestral]

I didn’t leave the country but I did remove myself and my children to what I hoped might be a ‘safe’ place. It wasn’t in that the family member I moved to be closer to for support didn’t support me she supported the man I was escaping from. All I would say is that if you do choose to go you make sure that where you’re going is somewhere you do feel safe and will find support. You might also need to make certain you get help for you because not having that can cause problems later. Please see my topic on ‘depression in older children as a result of abuse’. Best of luck.

[kestral]

I’m not sure if this is going to be a help but one of the most difficult things about an abusive partner is how ‘nice’ and ‘normal’ they can be to others. If you think about it it is one of the hardest things to cope with. After all, if they can be ‘normal’ and ‘nice’ to others what does that say about you? In other words that it is all your fault and down to you. But it isn’t and you know that. My ex got a very close family member on his side which left me feeling totally excluded and isolated. The lack of support and understanding very nearly broke me except I KNEW IT WAS WRONG. However hard I would suggest DO NOTHING. Don’t beg, plead, appeal to (his) better judgement because it doesn’t exist. Hold your head up and do what feels right for you. Hope that helps a bit. Stay strong.

[kestral]

To all of you who replied to my question I’d like to say a massive thank you. One of the hardest things I’ve found is not being heard or listened to. Talking to someone from ‘carer’s support’ a few days ago she said she wasn’t qualified to comment on my question ie: could my experiences be linked with my children’s problems now. Personally I don’t think it needs a ‘qualification’ to work out that abusive behaviour is going to have some sort of negative impact on a child’s wellbeing. I know it’s not THE cause because depression is extremely complex and not down to one thing. Knowing others have similar problems is an enormous help and I really hope I can offer back as much help and support as I ask for. Both my sons tell me that being strong and here for them is all they need. As this has been going on for some considerable time staying strong has been getting harder but your help & support I know is going to inspire me to keep going. Stay strong all of you and stay safe too. Very best wishes

[kestral]

Is part of the problem that we do feel sorry (for them) and want to forgive and go on forgiving until there comes a point where we have to say ‘sorry but on your head be it’?
I’m very new to this site so am feeling my way but as a ‘survivor’ I’d like to say ‘well done’ to all those who did say ‘sorry, but on your head…..’

[kestral]

Hi there, as I’m new to this site I’m having to find my way around. I couldn’t find your post about how you’re struggling with your eldest which is a shame as I would really like to support others as much as asking for help for me. What age is he/she and what are you struggling with today? Can I help? I’d really like to but it’s hard until I know what you’re dealing with. Maybe just knowing you’re not alone and there are plenty of people like us out there who do understand is a starter.
Thank you for your kind words. Here if/when you need.

[kestral]

Hi and thanks so much. Being new to this site I think I’ve been putting replies in the wrong boxes. Just knowing there are others out there who are having similar experiences is a huge help. What I’d like to do now is offer support back. I’m possibly considerably older than others on this site but I AM a survivor and maybe can encourage others to keep going. My children are getting help (professional and other) but to help them I do need to stay upbeat and strong. Your kind words really help so thank you again

[kestral]

Thank you so much. I sent a general reply yesterday as I had quite a number of responses. Both my sons veered towards their father’s side for a while. The hardest thing I did was to stand right back, allow them to make their own minds up and just hope. Fortunately they both did see the bigger picture which I think might be part of their difficulties now. Very hard to realise a dad isn’t all he makes out to be but better I believe if they see it for themselves. It’s not easy to stand right back and do nothing but I know now it was the best thing to do. Stay strong.

[kestral]

Thank you for responding. Although it’s sad to hear what you’re going through it is reassuring to know I’m not alone. Getting out of an abusive relationship takes great courage. Although it’s obviously very difficult for you I’d like to say ‘well done and keep going’. As I’m new to this site I’m not sure whether to reply to each person who’s responded or just to do what I did yesterday which was to send a general ‘thank you & stay strong’. Whatever it is good to know there are others out there who do understand what this is like and maybe through connecting we can do something about what I know now is a common and worldwide sickness.

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