litanies

[litanies]

Hi!

I am a sadomasochist. If domestic abuse is present, a consensual power exchange is not possible. In a well-managed consensual power exchange, there must be a deep and proactive respect for the boundaries and wills of participants. In other words, the opposite of abuse. Abuse can sometimes masquerade as BDSM on the surface, but a closer look should reveal its true nature.

[litanies]

I can relate to both of these. With the first, it was actually when my partner was yelling at me and trying to force me to go to a doctor during a pain attack that I realized that maybe he really is the source of our problems (as I had literally done nothing to deserve it). Yeah, one person’s physical pain impacts those around them–I get it–but it does NOT inconvenience them as much as the person who is actually suffering it. You are not a burden, and you are not responsible for his emotions about your illness. Your health or sickness is not a matter of his convenience. And nobody suffers your pain but you.

As for the other thing … my partner also is sexually inaccessible, and I too have broken self-esteem as a result. Nobody owes us sexual closeness or activity of any kind, and for what it is worth, it isn’t you (worth keeping in mind with respect to rejection). But likewise, you don’t owe him any particular form of physical contact either. You have a right to set your own boundaries as he sets his, so the pinning/forced cuddling thing sounds like an assault to me.

[litanies]

Hey Myvoice,

“Neurotic people will usually attract character disordered people, neurosis is not a bad thing, I am neurotic. But we do seem to attract those that will play and use our neurosis against us.”

Wow, I can so relate to that. I’ve spent years desperately trying to behave less neurotically or find a different way to manage my neuroses, and then simultaneously feeling angry and lonely at being found so intolerable by my partner (who has reminded me over and over about how I should not be proud or defensive of my neuroses because they are not me).

It’s true that I’m not my OCD, but my OCD is a warped mirror of things that are important to me. ASD comes with a fair amount of neuroticism as well for me, but mostly because I don’t have a supportive environment (and I like being autistic, so that is a part of me, since I like it). Either way, I’ve only found that the neuroticism is a problem with certain people. With others, it is sometimes a point of connection, sympathy, and even laughter while dealing with the craziness of life.

[litanies]

Thank you both for your replies. I guess I am worried that I am browbeating him or something, at least that is the impression he gives me.

“Do the people you work with find you easy to understand? How about your friends? ”

I’ve had social difficulties with other people too, but usually a complaint that I am “cold,” likely a reference to my flat affect/tone/general awkwardness. I don’t think anyone else has specifically mentioned the looping as an issue. But then again, I haven’t had to struggle to explain myself much to other people in a long time either–not since I was a borderline teen with lots of drama =D I still have borderline and narcissistic traits that can be problematic, which is another reason I worry about my behaviours. But I guess I don’t remember anyone making this complaint even back then, and I was pretty toxic as a teen. So that may be some perspective.

“It sounds as though he may be blocking you when you’re upset. These people can’t stand any hint of criticism.”

That is definitely true. Alas, I am apparently a nag for continuing to re-hash what is in the past for him.

“If his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable and disrespected”

He says this is what I do to him.

“That you are not neuro typical is not the issue, if it wasnt that he would find something else. ”

A lot of ASD traits can be mistaken even by a reasonable NT person for other than what they are (i.e. mistaking a shut-down for a cold shoulder or a meltdown for a temper tantrum, or poor theory of mind for willful misunderstanding), so that has really complicated all this for me.

[litanies]

I’m here from the other end. I am autistic, and I have no idea if I’m the survivor or primary aggressor. He says I’m an abuser.

It is very hard feeling like I think and speak in a different language than a lot of other people, including my partner. He has accused me of gaslighting in the past.

I don’t know up from down anymore, but my suspicion is that 1-he and I talk past each other because we do not communicate the same way, and 2-he and/or I both make severe cognitive errors when in fight-or-flight states (him in a black rage, me in a meltdown).

I think in a lot of cases, what looks like gaslighting (in general, not just with my situation) may be the result of such errors and/or conflicting narratives/beliefs, but sometimes it is deliberate and malicious.

Hypothetically, any person is capable of approaching a relationship with motivations to control and have power over another person, and such a person might gaslight along the way. I don’t think being NT, autistic, or having any other particular neurology would really have a bearing on this.

[litanies]

Hi Darcy,

Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words.

He’s actually been largely solid through unemployment and the tough stuff, which is why we were/are together. And he’s my dependent, with zero other support/safety out there, so the situation is complicated.

Basically (as I am sure is said a lot around here), I have reasons not to break off the relationship. I just want to make sure I am not behaving abusively within it, and I’m still trying to figure out if I may be the primary aggressor. I think I am the survivor, but I just don’t know 🙁

[litanies]

That is so the case for me too! The worst thing is when they don’t know much about it, they don’t understand sometimes how differently you are thinking or communicating. And even if one tries to explain it, they often still don’t get it, because we seem so “normal” and don’t fit their mental image of ASD. So, they just label it something else, like “wrong.”

[litanies]

Sorry, Girlvoice. I probably should have said “high-functioning.” And within that realm, we may still have a philosophical difference. I feel like the world isn’t structured to help people with ASD function effectively (i.e. society is disordered). But if you feel having ASD itself causes you trouble, I am sorry for your difficulties. Mine does come with poor executive function, so I can relate at least a bit!

[litanies]

Hey Eggshells, I think it is a little more complicated than that, but it is hard to explain. For me, it is more like I am layering on nuance, or trying to show different aspects of my emotional experience with the rephrasing–or sometimes revising/refining to more precision as I speak. I feel like everything I add either clarifies what I said or adds new information.

He can’t respond the first time for the simple reason that I’m not done talking. If I just say the first bit, and then stop, it’s like it is missing context. Like a rough image that has not finished rendering. So, I try to render it clearly and then get a reply. It isn’t like I’m doing this for an hour before he cuts me off. Maybe a couple of minutes. I feel like I should be able to finish expressing my thought fully. He says this is not how people talk.

The very fact that he cut me off while I was speaking about not being listened to tells me he didn’t get my point at all. Though he attributes that to stopping hearing me and feeling resentment because my looping is annoying.

Another way to put it would be to say that yes, noticing I am looping at all does mean he gets that I am providing variations on a theme. But that does not mean he understands the theme, even though he can identify it exists. It also means that to him, nuance is irrelevant, even though to me, it is not.

Also, my rephrase above is an example of the type of “looping” I do.

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