mantra

[mantra]

thanks for getting back to me, I feel so alone & dont like to talk about it with friends, they a re very supportive but I dont want to burden them.My GP is very kind & supportive but keeps signing me off with emotional stress. I dont see any end in sight, I feel sick with guilt & failure, have no confidence, I must look weird if I go out coz I wear sunglasses coz I cant bear to make eye contact with anyone. I have a new relationship & he is loving, kind,totally suportive but I think I am going to destroy that too as I am scared I am not noticing something, just like the last time.

[mantra]

A year since leaving & I am still suffering ‘remote’ abuse as he hangs up on my adult kids or wont speak to them for a week if they even mention seeing me.I feel him all around me, visualise him storming into the room, am so scared I will bump into him & his huge anger.He upsets them by saying awful lies about me & makes them feel guilty & that they need to be secretive about seeing me. I am so deeply depressed that I am beginning to think maybe it is me after all, maybe I am mad , like he said I was. He gave me a sealed letter when I finally was helped to leave, he told me not to open it yet but it would tell me what he knew was in my head & I would discover he was right because he knows everything. I was never allowed to express unhappyness, anger or disagree with him on anything or he would leave me in a very black punishing place. He said he loved me & everything he did was for me , us , our family even when it came to cutting off our daughter & letting none of us even say her name.
sorry, I am waiting for a support worker & have had nobody to talk to for about this, I am doubting my own sanity & whether I will ever recover

[mantra]

so many things have come to light since I asked for help ,some time after leaving a year ago.
I am very shocked to discover the difference between right & wrong.
My mother told me “if he doesnt beat you or drink too heavy you are ok, the grass is always greener” but that is not actually enough.
I am not ready to talk about this subject yet but ,unfortunatly, the reality is coming to surface & I dont expect I will be able to ignore it for alot longer.
I am still struggling so much to believe he didnt have my best interests at heart , as he repeatedly told me 🙁

[mantra]

Hiya, I am also constantly questioning myself & even when I get the same confirmation from people & exclamations of shock I immediatly think, no you’ve got it wrong, I didnt mean that ,he couldnt help it.
I have been with the same man since I was a very vulnerable,homeless teenager – (detail removed by Moderator) years before I realised I could no further when,he ,having banned all contact with our eldest daughter he then threatened to throw out our son for saying he wanted see his sister after a (detail removed by Moderator) year ban.

It is like reading a book & suddenly realising it is about me – such a shock, I still think I am over reacting & being the ‘cruel selfish conniving b**** ‘ he told our son I am.

I have a meeting at Womens Aid next week but am terrified that they will turn me away for wasting their time

[mantra]

thank you for answering me,it made me bawl my eyes out.

[mantra]

i looked up Trauma Bonding – sobbing again, he used to buy me presents & arrange suprises that if i refused he would go crazy but i didnt want any presents I jsut wanted to see my daughter that he had banned all contact with or mention of to me & my other 2 children. The presents were tiny bright moments when I thought maybe he was feeling better & we could talk about it but that was never the case.He told me everything he did was to protect us & for the good of the family & to trust him.

[mantra]

i thought face to face womens aid was just for refuge, will they see me ?

[mantra]

thank you I will try to do that,it has taken me over a year to get this far after leaving

[mantra]

I have only one more counselling session left out of the 6 I was allocated. People just dont understand it,it sounds crazy,he gave a sealed letter when I left smiling & telling me that I should open it in the future & I would see he was right & he knows exactly why I am doing this & it is all in the stars, he understands it,I am unstable, this is not me but I will understand, as he does, one day when I am better

[mantra]

yes I do, & I cant tell anyone that we both know or my young adult kids because I dont want to them to think badly of him. I went to counselling to get help because I was so confused after leaving ,after many years of leading a double life where I was terrified & desperately unhappy (any friend that suspected, I cut off ) & he asked if it was ok to write in my notes that I was ‘high risk’ as a result of psychological abuse. I was deeply shocked but (detail removed by moderator) weeks later feel even more that I am being dramatic,watched too many movies & am unhinged.

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