Mardi

[Mardi]

Just be really careful. I gave my ex boyfriend so many chances because I still loved him, I stayed with him for about 5 years. Love is blind and it is so hard to let the person go I understand that. However, if you can just remember the abuse he gave you and weigh up in your mind if it was dangerous or really abuse. Try and read up and learn the signs if you are not sure. As women, we are naturally more caring and forgiving than men. I used to have bruises on my arms, he used to pull my hair, throw me out the house in the middle of the night, try to strangle me, shook my head aggressively, push me over on the floor and almost down the stairs. The worst episode was when he picked up lot’s of different sized knives. He held them at my groin, my throat, my arms, stomach and chest. He put on a scary Halloween mask. I told him to put the knives down, I thought he was just joking, I thought no he won’t kill me, he can’t. He terrified me soooo much it was awful. He reinacted a rape scene. He pushed me on the floor, forcing me to give him oral sex. If I refused he said he would stab me. My God, if that’s not abuse I don’t know what is. I thought I was going to die that night. My God not good. That was the final straw for me. I used to forget about all the other stuff he did and just play it down. I used to think, well, everybody gets a bit angry from time to time its normal, every couple fights. But not like this. This was criminal, it didn’t feel normal or safe. It felt like a crime. I don’t feel safe with him anymore. I still miss him and love the guy and dislike being single, but I have read up on domestic violence now, because I knew nothing about it before, that in fact in DOES GET WORSE. The abuser does not change. The only way you can change him is if you end the relationship. If you go back it just gives him permission to do it again to you. He can walk all over you then like a doormat. You are stronger than this. Don’t let some bad man walk all over you. You deserve better. If you end it, he may realise what he has done and change. If he gets a new girlfriend in 5 minutes, then he will go on to abuse her as well. You are not missing out on anything. You don’t want to end up dead do you?! No! Your life is so much more important and better WITHOUT him! You don’t need him. You will attract a more higher value and quality man if you leave him. Stick to your morals and standards. You only deserve the best. Take care love Mardi xx

[Mardi]

Hi Whizzy11,

Please don’t let this guy get to you. It’s all an act, deep down I’m sure he loved you and felt something for you in the first place otherwise you would never have got together. I think men just move on quicker than women but deep down he wouldn’t just forget about you completely. But do remember you are so much better off without him. In time you will not even care if he has a girlfriend or not. You’ll look back and think, ‘What did I ever see in him?’ He will do the same abuse to somebody else believe me. You don’t deserve to be abused by any man, you only deserve the best. You are so much better off without him. Don’t worry, the depression will pass in time, it WILL GET EASIER love Mardi xxxx

[Mardi]

Hi Puffin and Lisa, thank you for replying and your support it really helps. I feel a bit better today. I do try to always eat and sleep well, I have learned in the past that killing yourself over some stupid boyfriend is not the answer! I have tried to kill myself when I was a teenager, when my boyfriend cheated on me with another girl. I was so devastated, I was only 13 and it was the first romance I ever had, so it hurt a lot. Plus my parents had just got divorced then as well and I was coping with being in a single parent family which was hard. I felt very depressed and took an overdose. I regretted it as soon as I had done it, and thankfully I didn’t die or need to go to hospital. I was just vomiting and sick for a few days. I learned from this though not to ever do this again though, suicide is not the answer, no matter how bad it feels. I know in time the depression will get easier. I have also joined a music group today and met some new people to play music with which really made me feel happy and strong. I enjoyed it. It is nice to meet other people with similar interests and passions. I have read a lot about abusive relationships online and found it extremely helpful indeed. I do have so many questions and doing some research on the topic is really helpful to me. I used to go to (location removed by moderator) Mind to a domestic violence support group when I was not working, but I have not found anything to go to in person at the moment because I work full time Monday to Friday and nothing seems to be on during other times. Does anyone know if there’s any counselling or support groups in the evenings or weekends in (location removed by moderator) area? Thank you again for your help and support. All the best, love Mardi. xx

[Mardi]

Yes I totally agree and understand. My family have been really hard on me when they find out I have been seeing my violent ex-boyfriend. They keep saying, “Why do you keep going back to him? You’re setting yourself up for more abuse.” I know they are right but it is so easy for someone outside of the relationship to say those things, they are not the ones in love with the person are they? On the outside they have no feelings of love or romantic interest. They are not the ones facing losing a relationship and the love of their lives are they? So it is so easy for them to have a go at you. Plus the fact they are not the ones having been violently assaulted by the person they love. They are the ones experiencing confusion, depression and suicidal feelings, grief, panic, fear, despair, lack of hope, shock etc etc as a result of being a victim of violence and abuse by the person you love. It would be easier to let go of if it was a stranger that attacked you, but the fact that is was my boyfriend just makes everything feel so weird and much worse somehow. I loved this person and really wanted it to work. I wanted to stay with him forever and to live in harmony and peace. But it just didn’t turn out like that at all. I can’t control other people I suppose, I can only control my own responses to these sad situations. You just never know with people, who you are going to meet, how they are going to treat you. You can never predict it or never completely know and trust anyone. They always hurt and let you down some how. It is hard. Maybe it is human nature. But I think there are some people more cruel and crazier than others. I don’t think anyone is perfect or sane and I do tolerate a lot and care for people. I always forgive, empathise with others. However I never agree with violence, this is criminal and should never happen in any relationship. A relationship should be about love, care and respect, never abuse, threats, mistreatment and violence of any kind. It is disgusting and completely insane. Far below my morals and standards anyway. I really hope I can find a good decent, loving and caring man soon. I hope they are out there and they are not all violent and dangerous. Mardi. xx

[Mardi]

Hi Moon,
In my case with my ex boyfriend, I have not told him that I have ‘left him’ or ‘ended the relationship.’ I was too scared to tell him at the time and too shocked myself at his violence towards me. I just felt so upset and scared when he was violent. He knew he hurt me but he just played it down and didn’t think it was a big deal. I showed him my bruises when I was strong enough and said that he needs to go see a doctor for his anger management issues. He just ignored me. I played along with him to be honest and didn’t make too much of a deal about his violence with him. It’s pointless me trying to change him I will never be able to do that. He has to change himself on his own. I simply have not contacted him for over a month. He has not contacted me either. I have enjoyed this space actually, I feel more confident and free. I am feeling anxious if he gets in contact with me, because I don’t know how to end it with him. It will be difficult, I just need confidence to say no to him. The police and my family and friends all say to not go back to him as the violence will only get worse which is what I have to remember. I have to override my romantic feelings of love for him and just remember his violence and try to keep safe away from him. The police and Women’s Aid, Samaritans are absolutely brilliant, I cannot thank them enough for all their help and support. They really have made a positive difference in my life. I really love this forum as well, its great to meet other survivors on here. Love Mardi. xx

[Mardi]

This is true. I have given my ex boyfriend so many chances and forgiven him so many times. I keep thinking he will change, or it wasn’t that bad. We just quarrelled and he got angry. Everyone gets angry it doesn’t matter. But it does matter when you are threatened to be stabbed with knives, pushed to the ground, your hair pulled, being thrown out the house. I’ve never believed in violence against anyone, it is morally cruel and insane. I don’t want a partner like this anymore. A relationship should be about love, trust, safety and care. Not abuse. If you go back to the abuser it just gives him permission to do it again to you. It allows him to get away with it. They will never learn their lesson either. They need to learn that violence and abuse is wrong, a criminal offence and should not happen. It is best to keep a safe distance and start a new and happier life without the abuse. Life is too short to be miserable and trapped in a abusive relationship, and to have it cut short by a violent person. I wish you all the best, I know how you feel because I have been through it myself. I hope you will be ok take care love Mardi. xx

[Mardi]

Hi I am new to the forum. I have been seeing an abusive partner for about (detail removed by moderator) years. He could be really normal, friendly and charming one minute then the next be very abusive. I have quite a few bad experiences with him, repeatedly throwing or threatening to throw me out his house if I didn’t perform sex well enough for him, he would take my money, deprive me of sleep, warmth etc. He would never please me in the bedroom, it always had to be about me pleasing him. He would push me on the floor, try to strangle me, shake my head violently, grab my wrists so tightly almost to brake them, threatening to break my fingers, kicked the bathroom door in when I was going to the toilet, pulled my hair, picked up different sized knives and pointed them at my groin, my throat, chest, stomach, arms, threatened to stab me if I didn’t give him oral sex. He’s also spat on me, called me various offensive names etc etc. He never calls or texts and asks if I’m ok or ever apologises. I found out he got arrested for some other offence which he has never told me about. He is always so secretive, always has something to hide. He drinks a lot, looks at too much porn and acts out the porn on me, takes drugs and squats in derelict buildings. Somehow I don’t think he makes good husband material to me! I have been in love with this guy for the past (detail removed by moderator) years and it is has been extremely hard to get out of the relationship. I think I have made so many allowances for him and played down all his abuse because I loved him and just wanted to be with him so much. However he went too far the last time when he raped me and threatened to stab me with knives. I really thought he would kill me. This has scared me so much. I have told the police but not made a statement against him. I don’t want to get him into trouble because I love and care about him. However I am never going back to him now. I just don’t feel safe or trust him anymore. He has treated me so badly I deserve better. I feel happier and freer without him. I just hope I can be strong and not feel depressed and panicky when I remember the loss of the love of my life or the loss of a relationship. I hope I can find a better relationship with a good man in the future who will love and treat me right. I look forward to this. Thank you for your support and help, love Mardi. xxx

[Mardi]

Hi Polly,

Try to remember the abuse that your partner caused and not the happy lovey dovey moments. It is easy to get confused and forget about the abuse when the bruises fade. You think did I make all this up? Am I imagining all this, or exaggerating? No you are not. The abuse did happen. It was a criminal offence that should not happen to anyone. I try to remember my ex boyfriend threatening to stab me with knives, which is what he did the last time, every time I start to miss him and wish I had a boyfriend etc. I know I am better off without him. I feel happier and stronger, freer without him. There are plenty of other men out there. Don’t let this abusive person get you down. You are better than them. All the best to you, Mardi. xxxx

[Mardi]

Thank you, I am really glad to be able to post on this Forum it is really helpful to me in my life. I havn’t seen my abusive now ex-boyfriend in over a month. I have made the decision to end the relationship. He doesn’t know this officially yet but I have just not contacted and never will. I have put up with his violence for too long. He went too far last time, threatening to stab me with knives and everything, I’ve never been so scared in all my life, I thought he was going to kill me. I deserve so much better than that. I do miss him, but I don’t miss the abuse. I feel better off without him and the abuse. I feel happier and free now. Thank you Womens Aid for your help and support you are a brilliant charity! xxx

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