Miosotis

[Miosotis]

TheBoldType, you know, you are in the same place where most of us are or have been. Abuse, especially covert psychological abuse is such a complex issue… That is my case too. I sometimes wish that I had bruises to show, but only my soul and my self-confidence are bruised for life! And yes, people will say, I told you so, equally, after a while people just move on and don’t want to hear about it anymore. If I have learned something in my already long life is that a very small amount of these men really change, but most don’t. This is who they are. (detail removed by Moderator). In my case I have tried all kinds of approaches with different men, nothing ever worked, even if my ex-husband did end up writing a long letter of apology and even read it to our previous therapist. That did me a lot of good… but then we tried again and I was so tired that it didn’t work. (detail removed by Moderator).

As Bananaboat said, it is very difficult for others to relate. I find that even professionals often can’t related because they only work within the government’s very strict guidelines, so they have no idea what the reality is for victims of abuse and are not willing to listen either. I have had therapy from Women’s Aid during my last divorce and have been trying to get the energy to use the chat and ask for help once again. We need to keep trying… and one day the sun will shine again! I just wish that there was more help and better help out there. The government needs to listen to the victims, not make fantasy scenarios in their heads, because that does not help us! Take care………

[Miosotis]

Hi, I think that you are feeling the way many of us feel! I will also be leaving, no family at all in the UK, so I will be completely on my own. In this case I protected myself and my love for him is long gone, but in my last marriage I felt like you and I loved him for a very long time. I probably still do. I feel so damaged too and like you I don’t think that I will ever be able to build a long lasting, happy relationship, which is very sad, because we didn’t do anything wrong. I now suffer from Complex PTSD. But I know that once I am out of here and have started a new life that I will hopefully be OK and I hope you will too! I used to have my (detail removed by Moderator) to focus on, that is gone now, which is very sad, so I have turned into just a pensioner waiting for the end to come.

I recycle everything in my head, for fear of forgetting details and not being able to show what has happened here, especially to services that deal with abuse and which don’t really understand the damage psychological abuse does. Sad that these men are not made understand what they did… And they will probably do it again, like my husband, I am almost 100% sure did to his ex-wife. I am utterly exhausted too and I ask myself often why life had to be like this. I am a good person… but that wasn’t enough!

I hope you start to feel better soon, I hope we all will! Take care………….

[Miosotis]

Hi, your situation has similarities with mine. I had also come out of an abusive relationship, also told him enough about it for him to know that this would not be happening to me again, I am also very confused and at times think that this can’t possibly be true, because anyone who meets him would think that I am crazy. No children here, luckily and although he drinks a bit, he doesn’t get drunk. There is no bickering here either, never an argument, as he doesn’t talk. Better argue and talk, if you ask me… yes, things to creep up over the years and we almost can’t see them. It is like slowly going down a well where you don’t want to be, but by the time you really realize that has happened, you are at the bottom of the well, often with no way up. I hope you find a solution for your situation, the same I hope for myself! Why can’t men understand that if they cooperate a bit more we would all be happier… no relationship is perfect and maybe we don’t even want them to be perfect, but with dialogue and compromise most things can be solved. I always think that the new generation has it easier, but clearly not! Men now are more willing to talk now, not in my generation. I also hope that I will get some answers to my posts. Take care…

[Miosotis]

Many thanks once again, Lisa. Sometimes a situation that is very difficult is made even more difficult and when one is struggling to cope it all just becomes too much. I will try the Live Chat. My situation, as I see it, is mainly Gaslighting and the Silent Treatment, which have resulted in me behing dehumanized. But I, and maybe a lot of other women, don’t fit into the tight parameters that the government set for Physiological Abuse. This is not about withholding money or preventing me from seeing people, this goes a lot deeper than that, just the government never understood that each case is a case. This is much more about manipulation, but the kind that takes one years to even understand what is going on. Difficult to explain in a few words. But you have helped me a lot with the two suggestions you gave me, the phone number, which I haven’t called yet, as I am mostly so awfully tired, and the Live Chat. I will explore both.

Sorry if I have been signing my own name, I am so used to it.

Regards,

Miosotis

[Miosotis]

I do believe that severe trauma, in whichever form, causes PTSD and if there are different kinds of trauma you end up with CPTSD. It makes sense, because trauma is trauma. Trauma doesn’t choose whether you are a soldier, or whatever. Of course, I am not an expert, but during my ordeal I have had to read a lot about such matters. But it is true that it is more difficult to heal the worse your trauma is, and surely the longer it takes you to find help, and that will be probably the difficult for a huge amount of victims. The fact that, like in my case, it can take a long time for you to leave the traumatic situation makes it very difficult to, because once you are out, you can let it all go. Right now I am in the middle of it and my head processes what happened 23/7, which is horrible and is a sign of PTSD. But I feel that I have to make sure that if anyone needs to hear my story at the throw of a hat to see if they can help me, I need to have all the facts from years and years fresh in my mind, while my mind actually wants to forget all this!

What I do right now to keep myself as sane as I possibly can? I don’t have family in the UK and have moved around, so I don’t really have friends here I can rely for help, or even just a chat or a cup of tea, but I was lucky enough to meet an amazing elderly lady ((detail removed by Moderator)) in a local park, (detail removed by Moderator) months ago. She has signs of dementia but is at times incredibly lucid and we bonded big time. She lives in a beautiful local Care Home and most of her family is abroad, so we comfort one another. She always thanks me for visiting, and tells me how important my visits are to her, but it is I who have to thank her and everybody in the care home, staff, other residents, visitors, for the invaluable contribution to my well-being. Without them I would probably not be here anymore. While I am with them all, I can forget for a bit what I am going through! I used to be a successful (detail removed by Moderator) and that brought me a lot of joy, as I brought joy to others too, and that helped me cope, but it also kept me tied to my abuser, so I have had to put an end to it, which is deeply, deeply sad!

[Miosotis]

Many thanks, Lisa! I very much appreciate… I always appreciate kindness, but when life is bad even more! Yes, I had therapy with Women’s Aid, not sure why the whole name wasn’t allowed here. So, not in England but not far away, let’s say. I will have a look at the chat… I hadn’t found it yet. Yes, my needs, as I see it right now, are in terms of specialized domestic abuse and Complext PTSD support, because I am getting therapy, (removed by moderator) a week (amazing how much difference the extra 10 minutes used to make), but it is not specialized and a charity where they found that I really need to speak to a specialist, would charge me so much that I can’t pay, which doesn’t seem right. They are a charity and they acknowledge that I need what they can offer? I am horribly tired. I think that a lot of women will suffer a more than needed because it takes sometimes years, like in my case, to get anywhere. If abuse was acknowledged earlier maybe relationships could be saved and a lot of heartache spared. I believe that if someone had made my husband sit down and listen, he eventually would have realized what he was doing and that there were choices he could make to either live his own life with me in a way that suited him better, or chosen to end the marriage but in a better way. I was left to deal with everything on my own, but I am not a marriage counsellor, so I probably made big mistakes along the way while hoping that I could turn things around. I am (removed by moderator), so just imagine what this will do to someone much younger, who also has no family or close friends to rely on for support. When times are this tough we sometimes need a third party to look at things with a clear mind and try to explain them to us, as in the middle of so much confusion it is difficult to understand what is going on. One needs someone to give us a hand, and as a rule there is no service that does that. I fully resent the Royals and TV shows that aim to show that all is well! No, it is not well, not if you are in the middle of it. After my last divorce I wanted to write a book about what I went through, all I tried, and that nothing worked, but then, when life land in calmer waters, you just want to go on with your life!

Thanks for providing me the links about Domestic Abuse and the impact on mental health, but what mostly interests me is the impact from Psychological Abuse, like Gaslighting and the Silent Treatment, which is very difficult to explain to professionals who are not specialized and don’t understand Domestic Abuse. I have been trying to get as much information as I can, but it is very traumatic for me, and I usually take a few days to read one article. Society is still geared towards the fact that if there are no bruises and immediate danger, than all is OK. Psychological abuse destroys your soul without leaving a trace and in my case, I am not the first one, I am sure about that. Two wives and two very similar cases. He is not evil, he is maybe not OK and misguided too. No one put an end when it first happened, she ended up becoming a mental health patient for life, and a few decades later I became the second victim, that makes it the more painful. But understanding that it isn’t me who is the problem, helped me hugely and helps me to stay alive too, for me and for her. What happened to her in her 30’s impacted the rest of her life! And he is not going to be the grieving widower if I can help it either! But I am so tired…

I will try the Support Line if things become too difficult to bear. In between the therapy sessions I sometimes struggle to cope. One of my problems first of all is that I feel very isolated here in England (luckily I have a very dear friend in a Care Home, (removed by moderator), whom I support but we end up supporting one another and because I have her I get out of the house and although she suffers from dementia, she is at times very lucid). I tried another phone service. The first time it was amazing and I felt so much better and the lady was very professional and kind. The second time, when I had been badly treated by another service and needed to talk about it, I was told that if my husband is in the house they wouldn’t speak to me, even if they called me back in the middle of the night, he doesn’t hear without hearing aids and sleeps on a different side of the house (I have slept on the couch for almost (removed by moderator) years). So, if one feels that one really needs to speak to someone and one is only a danger to oneself, they will still now speak to you. In the end she did but I won’t phone again, because I don’t know when he will be out and I don’t want to be crying and upset in the street, when I talk about traumatic events.

Thanks, that is what I need to feel right now, that I am not alone. To go through this after extremely traumatic events in my last marriage has been a huge blow. This shows that one never knows enough about abuse to be able to protect oneself. In my case he destroyed my music, which was what was keeping me alive….. knew all I had been through in my life and chose to do the same, out of jealousy for my success! He created the dream when I was nearing (removed by moderator), with no ambitions to ever being a performing artist, and destroyed it too! My success sealed the end of my marriage and my passion too. I have heard of other women my age dealing with these guys who are going through a late midlife crisis, seems to be quite common and often they go back to their youth passions, like model flying, model trains!

Many thanks for your kindness and for listening,

(removed by moderator)

[Miosotis]

Thanks, Sweet4, the difficulty for me is that, as I still have some money and therefore will be able to support myself for a while, I don’t get a caseworker or anything. No one basically wants to know. I admire your energy and positivity, I am the same, even though very tired and discouraged I still knock at all doors! Good luck……. will be reading the posts about your progress! We will indeed get there1

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