Moonflower1

[Moonflower1]

Thank you both for your reply. I appreciate your kind words.

He’s been away with work for a couple of days so it’s all calmed down and things start to go back to normal and it’s hard to imagine it even happened. He’s back tonight I’m starting to feel anxious. Wish he’d just go away and leave us alone but that is never going to happen.

Most people look forward to the weekend but I hate them. He’s always worse at the weekend when he’s not occupied.

[Moonflower1]

Hello All

The silence from him is making me really anxious (I know this is what he wants) He usually comes home today but when he spoke to our daughter this morning he didn’t say anything like see you later as he usually would (again to keep me guessing).

But I’ve decided to be more proactive today and not just sit round waiting for him. I’ve rang WA again and waiting for them to call me back and I’ve arranged to meet a friend later. I am going to tell her what is going on so that I have someone to support me if he does come back today and kicks off. Also one of my adult sons is home today so there will be someone at home with me if he does come back

I keep thinking about all the things that he’s done to me and it’s sitting inside me like a big knot. I just let it out. I think that once I tell one person then I will be become easier to tell others and also it will make the situation real.

I cannot live like this any longer.

[Moonflower1]

Well it’s now day (detail removed by moderator) with no contact direct to me. He’s been on the phone to our daughter tonight and broke down in tears saying he misses her and loves her.

I’ve had a rubbish day. Couldn’t motivate myself to go work so just stayed home and watched rubbish TV and cried. Thoughts just going round and round in my head. Wish my family lived closer think I’d just go home if it was. Rang WA and they called me back several times but I just don’t know what they can do for me so couldn’t even speak to them.

He usually comes home on a Thursday but don’t know if he’ll be back or not. Even if he does I’m not sure what to say or do.

We are supposed to be going to the big family thing at the weekend which our daughter is really excited about but I’m not sure what’s going to happen.

Feel like I’m just sitting here passively waiting for him – which is obviously what he wants – but frightened if I take action then it will only back fire on me – it always does.

[Moonflower1]

Thanks ladies for your replies

I think if he was gone and not coming back I’d be ok. It’s this feeling of being in limbo that makes me anxious. I keep imagining what he may do and trying to plan how to cope with it. I’m driving myself crazy.

I think I’ll give WA another call tomorrow and explain the current situation and see what they suggest.

[Moonflower1]

Well he definitely doesn’t want to talk to me. He’s rang our daughter 10 times trying to get hold of her rather than just text me. She’s primary school age she doesn’t check her messages (and nor should she!) why not just text me and ask her to call him. He’s such an idiot sometimes.

He’ll be playing the victim now feeling sorry for himself that I’ve not called and that if I loved him I would have. He never looks at it that this argument works both ways. If he loved me he would call me!!

I do want the relationship to end but I want it to be as amicable as possible. I just don’t understand why he can’t see this.

I’m afraid of what he’s going to do. He can be very vindictive when he feels like he’s losing – he will want to feel like he’s won at any cost. This is what scares me.

I don’t have WA support. I have spoken to them but to be honest I didn’t find them very helpful. I see a counsellor regularly but she’s on holiday for the next two weeks. I’m finding the situation a real struggle so thank you to all those that have offered advice I really appreciate it. No one else knows what’s happening so I don’t have anyone at the moment to talk to.

[Moonflower1]

Hi Starmoon

No he hasn’t come back – he works away so I wouldn’t really expect him back till Thursday anyway.

However he hasn’t been in contact with me and I haven’t tried to contact him either. I know he’s ok as he’s been in contact with our daughter but he doesn’t ask to speak to me during these calls.

Its so hard to deal with because whilst I want the relationship to end the silence is killing me. I feel I’m making it worse by not contacting him but he walked out why should i contact him. I know this is want he wants he wants me crying and running after him but I’m just not doing that anymore. Then I feel panicky that perhaps its not so bad and should try and sort things out but I know in my heart that even if we did try this time it would happen again. We been in this cycle for a very long time.

I’m afraid that he’ll be really angry that I haven’t made contact and that he’ll want revenge in some way but I don’t know what this will be. It’s the not knowing what he’s thinking that is killing me. When I suggesting separating recently he went mad, calling me a b*****, throwing things out of the kitchen cupboards and cutting up my bank cards saying that I wasn’t going to be running round spending his money if we weren’t together. All this was in front of our young daughter!!

I’m thinking maybe I should call him – what do you think?

[Moonflower1]

Should read invincible.

[Moonflower1]

Womaninneed, please don’t feel pressurised by the advice you have been given here – we all want the best for you.

But please consider reaching out for help. Once you start to tell people the less the a burden will be and people will believe you. The more people who know the less power he has.

He’s played with your mind and made you feel like he’s Invisible but he isn’t. As Lisa says you do not have to go through this alone.

Please keep posting here and we will support you.

[Moonflower1]

Woman in need, please do not marry this man. A long time ago when I was your age I married a man who turned out to be emotionally abusive. I stayed with him for (detail removed by Moderator) years as I was too ashamed to go home and admit I’d made a mistake and also because my parents had spent a lot of money the didn’t really have to give me a big white wedding. So I stayed and put up with his mistreatment and slowly became a shadow. Anyway one day I left and went home and told them it was over and the relief was overwhelming. They didn’t care about the money they didn’t want me to be unhappy. I wished I’d done it years before.

Im telling you this as I’m sure your parents will be the same. You are their daughter they will not want you to be with a man who treats you so badly. Your man is filling your head with these threats to harm your family to scare you into staying. Contact Women’s aid or the police and report what is happening.

Please reach out for help. You are a young woman with a whole life ahead of you. You DO NOT have to live like this.

[Moonflower1]

SaharaD- you made me giggle with your response! But unfortunately it’s his house too and legally I cannot just lock him out. I could try and get him removed but that may be difficult as I don’t have proof of his abuse (police not involved). Also I think if I did this it would escalate things and at this point i’m trying to avoid that. Perhaps this time we can sort things out like adults!! Wishful thinking on my part perhaps !!

Starmoon – you are exactly right. Because I haven’t called him he’ll say I don’t care and that I’m cold and selfish. Whatever I do is wrong, he’s always moving the goalposts!!!

Awake early this morning as I can’t sleep and can’t decide what to do. Not sure I can face going to work and pretending everything is normal but at the same time thinking that I should just on with my life.

Part of me is also really angry and feels like doing something to shock him and make him sit up and take notice. I hate the feeling of just passively sitting here waiting for him.

[Moonflower1]

I think it will be for the best if the relationship is over and maybe this time he will accept this. It feels unfair that he will blaming me for this as if I am the unreasonable one. He was saying today that he just gives in all the time and that the more he gives in the more I want!! Sometimes he talks in riddles that I don’t understand.

Anyway he wont be getting back in tonight as I’ve locked the doors from the inside so he cant just let himself back in. I keep jumping at the sound of each car door outside thinking that’s him back and I hate the way that makes me feel.

[Moonflower1]

I don’t really know to be honest. He has done this several times before and therefore I just think ‘oh well he’ll be back’. Last time he packed and then made a big scene because I didn’t beg him not to go. When he did go I called him once and it went to answer phone and asked him to to let me know he was ok. I did this because in the past he has said he would commit suicide by crashing the car to look like an accident so that we would get the insurance pay out (how twisted is that?) He didn’t respond but he came back a few hours later.

As you say you did, in the past I would have been calling and begging him to come home or ringing his family and getting them to speak to him. I’m not doing that this time though. I’m not upset, in a way I’m glad that I don’t have to put up with his moaning complaining and sulking.

I do feel a bit panicky that this could be the end of the relationship and I don’t know what is going to happen.

[Moonflower1]

Hi Exist

I know exactly how you feel. My husband also uses the silent treatment as a way of controlling me. He knows I HATE it!! The silence is deafening and makes me really anxious. I used to beg him to speak to me about whatever was bothering him up but he’d refuse and I ended up apologising for things I hadn’t even done just so it would stop. But I don’t do this anymore I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to speak to me then that’s up to him and I try and get on with n life. But it a so so hard to live in that atmosphere.

HealthyArchive is right about trying to pretend while making plans for your future. This is what I am doing. I’ve been to see a solicitor to see where I stand legally and I am looking into finances so that I can support myself in the short term when we spilt. It may be up to a year away before I can do that be it helps me to know that I won’t live like this forever.

Another thing that helps me is to read books on abuse and domestic violence. It helps to understand that it’s not my fault and nothing I can do can make things any better. Yesterday I found a website call http://www.narcissistsupport.com and I found their information really helpful. My husband is a classic narcissist.

Ring women’s aid and speak to someone about your situation. It helped me for someone to say what I was experiencing was abuse.

Good luck. Sending you hugs xx

[Moonflower1]

Hi Tuppance

I am so sorry you are being treated this way. I understand exactly how you feel as our situations sound so similar I could have written your post and just wanted to show you some support. I understand how they play games with your mind and erode all your confidence that leaves you dazed and confused.

Mine has been shouting at me all weekend (he says he only shouts because I don’t listen!!). It started over something so petty that hes told me about before that this isn’t necessary but I’ve not listened to him so I don’t care about him!! Apparently I’m horrible to him and I’m not the nice kind person that I think I am.

Anyway he’s away for a few days now so peace has returned and I have time to recover and regain some strength. If I thought he would go I would ask him to leave but I know he won’t so I have a long hard slog ahead but the day is coming when I tell him its over and I will leave. I’m doing this more for my daughter than me as she deserves better than the life she has and I don’t won’t her to be anymore damaged than she may already be.

I too see a counsellor and this has really helped me build up my self-esteem. I think for me it helps to have someone who listens and validates what I feel. Someone who says ‘it’s not your fault’ ‘this is abusive’

Tuppance, do any of your friends or family know of your situation and could they help you if you decided to leave?

Sending you hugs xx

[Moonflower1]

Thank you everyone for all your lovely words of encouragement. It means a lot to have support on here from you lovely ladies.

Just a quick update and sorry it has taken me a while to post again. It’s not always easy when he’s around.

I went to the appointment which was a half hour free consultation but the lady solicitor I saw was lovely and gave me some really good advice. She made it all sound so simple but the reality when I am at home is very different.

I’ve had another horrible weekend with him and feel like just packing a bag and leaving but I know I need to make plans first and have somethings in place first.

Thank you all once again.

[Moonflower1]

Hello All

I have got together as many documents as I can and I intend to go to my meeting with the solicitor this afternoon.

I feel really uneasy with this and feel that I may be putting myself in danger but I know I have to find out what my options are. I also feel like I’m being a real b**ch to him as when he’s away he’s lovely – telling us he misses us and loves us BUT a different man comes home. He’s rude, dismissive, aggressive, angry most of the time.

It’s all so confusing. All I know is that I cannot be myself with him and that I live in permanent state of high alert waiting for him to kick off about something. This isn’t normal in a relationship is it?

Wish me luck

[Moonflower1]

I’ve also read the 30 Covert Tactic’s book today. The bit that struck me most was when it talked about intimacy in relationships and that “intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship” I’ve said for a long time that I just don’t feel like I’m being me when I’m with him. I’m being who he wants me to be.

I have a lot of regret or shame over things I’ve done or allowed to be done to me in order to please him or stop him being angry. Recently these memories come back to me out of nowhere and I think I just don’t understand why I allowed myself to be treated like this. I’ve done things that I just cannot forgive myself for.

[Moonflower1]

Hi Ladies

Thank you for your replies. I feel a little better today its just sometime its all too much. Pick pick pick at everything I do. He just says over and over ‘Why did you do XYZ, I just don’t understand, it makes no sense’ and yet when I try to explain why I did something the conversation just goes round in a circle and he gets more and more agitated and I get more and more panicky.

I have made an appointment (detail removed by Moderator) to see what my options are but I am not sure I can go through with it. Obviously my husband isn’t aware I’m doing this and I’m paranoid that he’ll find out. (detail removed by Moderator) he looks after all these and without going through all his papers I don’t know where to look and he may notice that this has all been moved about.
He’s miles away this week so he’s unlikely to find out but he has a away of making feel like he’s watching everything I do.

I keep telling myself that I am only getting information so that I’m better prepared for the future when things turn ugly again (as I know they will).

I know I have to be brave and see it through.

[Moonflower1]

Pineapple, I don’t want to discourage you but please be careful. The most dangerous time is when they realise you’re are leaving them. Do you have a plan of where you are going to go. Perhaps you need to talk you plan through with WA to make sure you stay safe. Do you have any friends who will check on you and who could contact the police if necessary.

I know its exhausting and you want to leave but you need to stay safe

Good Luck xx

[Moonflower1]

Just wanted to say well done – you have been so brave to do this, going to the police and telling your family.

You are safe now please do not go back. You know he will try to charm you into returning with empty promises.

Stay strong and safe

Big Hug xxx

[Moonflower1]

Hi Bridget

You will have to tell us a little more detail of what is happening. Does this have something to do with your meeting at your sons school?

MF

[Moonflower1]

Hi Bridget.

I hope your meeting at the school goes well and that the issue to not too serious. Children are such a worry to us mums always wanting the best for them and trying to protect them. Whatever the issue is I am sure you will be strong for your son and hopefully you will receive support from the school. Has you son every had any counselling – perhaps this may help him.

Sending you a big hug xx

[Moonflower1]

Hi Bridget, I just wanted to check to how you are feeling today. I wanted to reply to your posted yesterday but the forum seem to have crashed. I understand completely how you feel about the fear of the unknown holding you back and it is an awful awful feeling. I feel like I am trapped in hell and there is now way out. There are no words to describe what happens to me and there are no bruises to show so we suffer our own private torment. I also understand how you say to have coping mechanisms to get you through as I do this too. I always try take care of my appearance and have the house neat and time. I feel that these are things that I can control when so much of my life is controlled by him.

I hope you can start your counselling soon as it helps me cope knowing I have a someone who I can talk once a week about happens to me and who validates that this is wrong and is abuse.

Take Care

MF1

[Moonflower1]

Hello Healthyarchive thank you for your reply. I want to just run away! He normally goes away tonight but he says now he’s not going so I have a whole night of ‘talking’ to look forward to. I just can’t take anymore. No one to talk to nowhere to go!

At swimming lessons with my daughter right now and struggling to hold the tears in.

Think I’m going to just tell him it’s over and just take what comes. It’s exhausting trying to understand him!!

[Moonflower1]

Hi Missnobody, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I agree being in an abusive relationship is a very lonely place. Until recently I never told anyone about what happens to me so was all inside my head driving me crazy. I only recently joined the forum too and it has been a revelation that the things that happen to me are happening to others also. You feel so isolated and ashamed you feel that it is only you who feels like this.
I am feeling stronger though and I am determined that I am going to find a way out of the relationship. Even not for myself than I owe this to my daughter. She is now at an age now that she understands what is going on and I’m afraid it is going to have a long term effect on her. I have explained my concerns to my husband but although he agrees it not right he doesn’t stop the shouting, arguments his terrible behaviour. I know his behaviour frightens her and she gets very upset. But he blames me for making him shout. I have choices apparently and if I made different choices he wouldn’t need to shout!!! It’s pathetic really, I really think he has a mental illness but to outsiders he is the perfect husband and devoted father.

But enough is enough and I am going to ring WA today to see what my options are. I have set myself a goal of the end of the year to sort this mess out. Hopefully by then me and little one will be living in our own lovely little house in peace and calm. That’s my dream.

Hopefully you to can find the strength to call WA too. I’ll post later to let you know what they say to me.

[Moonflower1]

Hi Miss Nobody.

I don’t think you are overreacting. I too live with an angry man who says he cannot control his temper – he calls it ‘frustration’ and says he’s always been that way. But I don’t agree that they can’t control their anger. I bet yours doesn’t shout at his work colleagues or friends. Mine only shouts at people who cant/wont shout back me, our children, occasionally his mum and sisters. They use their anger to control us. We all tip toe round them not daring to upset them and set them off.

I can’t offer much in the way of advice – I’m sure someone much wiser than me will be along shortly – but just wanted to say hello and say you are not alone.

Have you spoken to anyone about what you are experiencing? I have recently been speaking to a counsellor and it has helped me a lot. Having someone say that what I am experiencing is wrong and listening to what I have to say feels very liberating.

Take Care xx

[Moonflower1]

I think it just makes them feel better about themselves if they point out others faults. They are so insecure that if they put everyone down it make them fell better about themselves. I’ve got to the point where I can’t undress in front of him as he would make comments about my body. Thinks like ‘your tummy isn’t getting any smaller’ ‘Oh look at your jelly belly” If I challenge him he says its just a bit of harmless banter and that I should lighten up but it really effects me. I don’t have the best body in the world after 3 children but for my age i think its fairly good but I’ve just lost all body confidence. What annoys me more is that he is very overweight and when I say this to him he just says ‘well i’m just telling you so that you don’t end up like me’ But I would never dream about saying cruel things to him about his size.

[Moonflower1]

Thanks KIP. I always read your responses and think you seem very wise.

(Detail removed by moderator) years we’ve been together and I feel crushed. I came across some photos of myself yesterday from around the time we met and I was so emotional thinking of what happened to that woman. I was a single parent but I had a good job, my own house and car. I looked happy and carefree with friends and family. Now I have nothing. A house that I am stuck in all day, few friends and family miles away. We have a comfortable life now and he does work hard to provide but I all feels empty and meaningless. I feel trapped. I don’t currently work and don’t have access to cash – we have a joint bank account but he cut up my cash card several years ago and its never been replaced. I have a credit card for shopping or personal expenses but if i need cash I have ask him for it.

[Moonflower1]

Yes you are right he doesn’t do much around the house but will act like superhero if he loads the dishwasher. At the same time he is an expert on all household chores and how they should be done. We’ve been together a long time and I have allowed this to happen because it causes too much aggro if I ask him to do something. He will find something to complain about, the cupboards are untidy, the knives are in the wrong place etc. So to avoid this I do all the jobs. If he says he’ll cook or load dishwasher I immediately get really anxious as I think Oh dear what will he find to have a go at me about – even when I know there is nothing to find.

[Moonflower1]

Flowerchild, thank you for your reply.

You are absolutely right when you say “Of course my mistakes were visible because I was the only one doing anything!” This is exactly what happens. When shopping he picked up the item we wanted and carried it around the shop for over 30 mins but when it came to pay I had to do that because going to the till would have been too much effort i suppose. Therefore I am now responsible for the item. Likewise the following day I am trying to do a million things at once while he does nothing and yet I am in the wrong for making a mess. And you are right I can never argue back and point out how stupid this is and things he has done wrong. I have learnt from bitter experience that things will on get worse. He will escalate until he wins. That’s it its all about winning and being on top. (Detail removed by moderator). I know its madness but I cant seem to fight back or walk away.

You ask what I want – the answer is a quiet peaceful life without all the chaos! About (detail removed by moderator) ago I go to the point were I was ready to leave. I’d spoken to WA, had a counsellor to support me and told a friend. I was all set, prepared for the fall out. But he managed to guilt trip me into staying as he says it was best for our daughter.

Now (detail removed by moderator) years down the line and he uses our daughter to blame me for upset he causes. She gets upset when we fall out (to the point of vomiting recently) and he says “look what you are doing to her” Me!! (detail removed by moderator)  I say fall out but its in fact, he shouts and I quiver is a better description.

(Detail removed by moderator).

Thanks again for listening.

[Author]

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