Moonflower1

[Moonflower1]

Thank you both for your reply. I appreciate your kind words.

He’s been away with work for a couple of days so it’s all calmed down and things start to go back to normal and it’s hard to imagine it even happened. He’s back tonight I’m starting to feel anxious. Wish he’d just go away and leave us alone but that is never going to happen.

Most people look forward to the weekend but I hate them. He’s always worse at the weekend when he’s not occupied.

[Moonflower1]

Hello All

The silence from him is making me really anxious (I know this is what he wants) He usually comes home today but when he spoke to our daughter this morning he didn’t say anything like see you later as he usually would (again to keep me guessing).

But I’ve decided to be more proactive today and not just sit round waiting for him. I’ve rang WA again and waiting for them to call me back and I’ve arranged to meet a friend later. I am going to tell her what is going on so that I have someone to support me if he does come back today and kicks off. Also one of my adult sons is home today so there will be someone at home with me if he does come back

I keep thinking about all the things that he’s done to me and it’s sitting inside me like a big knot. I just let it out. I think that once I tell one person then I will be become easier to tell others and also it will make the situation real.

I cannot live like this any longer.

[Moonflower1]

Well it’s now day (detail removed by moderator) with no contact direct to me. He’s been on the phone to our daughter tonight and broke down in tears saying he misses her and loves her.

I’ve had a rubbish day. Couldn’t motivate myself to go work so just stayed home and watched rubbish TV and cried. Thoughts just going round and round in my head. Wish my family lived closer think I’d just go home if it was. Rang WA and they called me back several times but I just don’t know what they can do for me so couldn’t even speak to them.

He usually comes home on a Thursday but don’t know if he’ll be back or not. Even if he does I’m not sure what to say or do.

We are supposed to be going to the big family thing at the weekend which our daughter is really excited about but I’m not sure what’s going to happen.

Feel like I’m just sitting here passively waiting for him – which is obviously what he wants – but frightened if I take action then it will only back fire on me – it always does.

[Moonflower1]

Thanks ladies for your replies

I think if he was gone and not coming back I’d be ok. It’s this feeling of being in limbo that makes me anxious. I keep imagining what he may do and trying to plan how to cope with it. I’m driving myself crazy.

I think I’ll give WA another call tomorrow and explain the current situation and see what they suggest.

[Moonflower1]

Well he definitely doesn’t want to talk to me. He’s rang our daughter 10 times trying to get hold of her rather than just text me. She’s primary school age she doesn’t check her messages (and nor should she!) why not just text me and ask her to call him. He’s such an idiot sometimes.

He’ll be playing the victim now feeling sorry for himself that I’ve not called and that if I loved him I would have. He never looks at it that this argument works both ways. If he loved me he would call me!!

I do want the relationship to end but I want it to be as amicable as possible. I just don’t understand why he can’t see this.

I’m afraid of what he’s going to do. He can be very vindictive when he feels like he’s losing – he will want to feel like he’s won at any cost. This is what scares me.

I don’t have WA support. I have spoken to them but to be honest I didn’t find them very helpful. I see a counsellor regularly but she’s on holiday for the next two weeks. I’m finding the situation a real struggle so thank you to all those that have offered advice I really appreciate it. No one else knows what’s happening so I don’t have anyone at the moment to talk to.

[Moonflower1]

Hi Starmoon

No he hasn’t come back – he works away so I wouldn’t really expect him back till Thursday anyway.

However he hasn’t been in contact with me and I haven’t tried to contact him either. I know he’s ok as he’s been in contact with our daughter but he doesn’t ask to speak to me during these calls.

Its so hard to deal with because whilst I want the relationship to end the silence is killing me. I feel I’m making it worse by not contacting him but he walked out why should i contact him. I know this is want he wants he wants me crying and running after him but I’m just not doing that anymore. Then I feel panicky that perhaps its not so bad and should try and sort things out but I know in my heart that even if we did try this time it would happen again. We been in this cycle for a very long time.

I’m afraid that he’ll be really angry that I haven’t made contact and that he’ll want revenge in some way but I don’t know what this will be. It’s the not knowing what he’s thinking that is killing me. When I suggesting separating recently he went mad, calling me a b*****, throwing things out of the kitchen cupboards and cutting up my bank cards saying that I wasn’t going to be running round spending his money if we weren’t together. All this was in front of our young daughter!!

I’m thinking maybe I should call him – what do you think?

[Moonflower1]

Should read invincible.

[Moonflower1]

Womaninneed, please don’t feel pressurised by the advice you have been given here – we all want the best for you.

But please consider reaching out for help. Once you start to tell people the less the a burden will be and people will believe you. The more people who know the less power he has.

He’s played with your mind and made you feel like he’s Invisible but he isn’t. As Lisa says you do not have to go through this alone.

Please keep posting here and we will support you.

[Moonflower1]

Woman in need, please do not marry this man. A long time ago when I was your age I married a man who turned out to be emotionally abusive. I stayed with him for (detail removed by Moderator) years as I was too ashamed to go home and admit I’d made a mistake and also because my parents had spent a lot of money the didn’t really have to give me a big white wedding. So I stayed and put up with his mistreatment and slowly became a shadow. Anyway one day I left and went home and told them it was over and the relief was overwhelming. They didn’t care about the money they didn’t want me to be unhappy. I wished I’d done it years before.

Im telling you this as I’m sure your parents will be the same. You are their daughter they will not want you to be with a man who treats you so badly. Your man is filling your head with these threats to harm your family to scare you into staying. Contact Women’s aid or the police and report what is happening.

Please reach out for help. You are a young woman with a whole life ahead of you. You DO NOT have to live like this.

[Moonflower1]

SaharaD- you made me giggle with your response! But unfortunately it’s his house too and legally I cannot just lock him out. I could try and get him removed but that may be difficult as I don’t have proof of his abuse (police not involved). Also I think if I did this it would escalate things and at this point i’m trying to avoid that. Perhaps this time we can sort things out like adults!! Wishful thinking on my part perhaps !!

Starmoon – you are exactly right. Because I haven’t called him he’ll say I don’t care and that I’m cold and selfish. Whatever I do is wrong, he’s always moving the goalposts!!!

Awake early this morning as I can’t sleep and can’t decide what to do. Not sure I can face going to work and pretending everything is normal but at the same time thinking that I should just on with my life.

Part of me is also really angry and feels like doing something to shock him and make him sit up and take notice. I hate the feeling of just passively sitting here waiting for him.

[Moonflower1]

I think it will be for the best if the relationship is over and maybe this time he will accept this. It feels unfair that he will blaming me for this as if I am the unreasonable one. He was saying today that he just gives in all the time and that the more he gives in the more I want!! Sometimes he talks in riddles that I don’t understand.

Anyway he wont be getting back in tonight as I’ve locked the doors from the inside so he cant just let himself back in. I keep jumping at the sound of each car door outside thinking that’s him back and I hate the way that makes me feel.

[Moonflower1]

I don’t really know to be honest. He has done this several times before and therefore I just think ‘oh well he’ll be back’. Last time he packed and then made a big scene because I didn’t beg him not to go. When he did go I called him once and it went to answer phone and asked him to to let me know he was ok. I did this because in the past he has said he would commit suicide by crashing the car to look like an accident so that we would get the insurance pay out (how twisted is that?) He didn’t respond but he came back a few hours later.

As you say you did, in the past I would have been calling and begging him to come home or ringing his family and getting them to speak to him. I’m not doing that this time though. I’m not upset, in a way I’m glad that I don’t have to put up with his moaning complaining and sulking.

I do feel a bit panicky that this could be the end of the relationship and I don’t know what is going to happen.

[Moonflower1]

Thanks KIP. I always read your responses and think you seem very wise.

(Detail removed by moderator) years we’ve been together and I feel crushed. I came across some photos of myself yesterday from around the time we met and I was so emotional thinking of what happened to that woman. I was a single parent but I had a good job, my own house and car. I looked happy and carefree with friends and family. Now I have nothing. A house that I am stuck in all day, few friends and family miles away. We have a comfortable life now and he does work hard to provide but I all feels empty and meaningless. I feel trapped. I don’t currently work and don’t have access to cash – we have a joint bank account but he cut up my cash card several years ago and its never been replaced. I have a credit card for shopping or personal expenses but if i need cash I have ask him for it.

[Moonflower1]

Yes you are right he doesn’t do much around the house but will act like superhero if he loads the dishwasher. At the same time he is an expert on all household chores and how they should be done. We’ve been together a long time and I have allowed this to happen because it causes too much aggro if I ask him to do something. He will find something to complain about, the cupboards are untidy, the knives are in the wrong place etc. So to avoid this I do all the jobs. If he says he’ll cook or load dishwasher I immediately get really anxious as I think Oh dear what will he find to have a go at me about – even when I know there is nothing to find.

[Moonflower1]

Flowerchild, thank you for your reply.

You are absolutely right when you say “Of course my mistakes were visible because I was the only one doing anything!” This is exactly what happens. When shopping he picked up the item we wanted and carried it around the shop for over 30 mins but when it came to pay I had to do that because going to the till would have been too much effort i suppose. Therefore I am now responsible for the item. Likewise the following day I am trying to do a million things at once while he does nothing and yet I am in the wrong for making a mess. And you are right I can never argue back and point out how stupid this is and things he has done wrong. I have learnt from bitter experience that things will on get worse. He will escalate until he wins. That’s it its all about winning and being on top. (Detail removed by moderator). I know its madness but I cant seem to fight back or walk away.

You ask what I want – the answer is a quiet peaceful life without all the chaos! About (detail removed by moderator) ago I go to the point were I was ready to leave. I’d spoken to WA, had a counsellor to support me and told a friend. I was all set, prepared for the fall out. But he managed to guilt trip me into staying as he says it was best for our daughter.

Now (detail removed by moderator) years down the line and he uses our daughter to blame me for upset he causes. She gets upset when we fall out (to the point of vomiting recently) and he says “look what you are doing to her” Me!! (detail removed by moderator)  I say fall out but its in fact, he shouts and I quiver is a better description.

(Detail removed by moderator).

Thanks again for listening.

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