nevertoolate

[nevertoolate]

Hi Please don’t assume that telling him it’s over in a therapy session is necessarily any better. I thought a couples therapy session would be an emotionally safe place to tell my husband it was over but it wasn’t. He stormed out and went home, locking me out and then verbally abused me in front of the kids. Just get out when you can. Stay safe, love and hugs to you xx

[nevertoolate]

Thank you ladies for making me feel better. I feel like the worlds worst parent right now. The youngest one doesn’t understand what’s happening and she is also Daddy’s favourite so thinks it is fun having Grandma and Grandad come to help Mummy. The oldest one has refused to get out of bed or go to school for two days now and I’m getting worried there will be serious consequences soon. And I fear I will get the blame as I’m the one who is moving out. Does anyone know if there are psychology services available for children?

[nevertoolate]

I was thinking the same but yes he definitely has gone for the day. He’s already noticed the things I’ve taken out of the house so that is forcing me to go as soon as possible.

[nevertoolate]

Thanks KIP, you are the voice of reason as always. I know he is being spiteful and unreasonable but the ‘nice’ moments confuse me. I will follow your advice and make sure I have someone with me, though I think it’s best I go when I know he’s out. I just feel like I have to agree to all his suggestions (sorry demands) to make sure I can take the kids with me even though I know he’s being unreasonable. I’ve been a quivering wreck all day with him in the house and it’s messing with my ability to think straight.

[nevertoolate]

Hi happy future I can relate to what you feel too.
That if I leave he will make me feel responsible for ruining his life, as he doesn’t really have any close friends or family. In a way, my family have been the substitute for the family he doesn’t have so I feel bad for taking that away from him. As you also say I don’t see him as calculating either. I think he must be a very angry and unhappy person if the only way he makes himself feel better is to control everything and everyone around him. But that doesn’t mean we have to put up with being treated like this.
Keep strong xx

[nevertoolate]

Hi there Your post describes exactly the behaviour I’ve been putting up with from my husband, which I’d always excused as just him being a grumpy old man. He was always sulking and withdrawing if life wasn’t going his way, whether it was at work or my choice of restaurant or the worst one was was after our (removed by moderator) was born and his was in a black blood for days afterwards because he said I wasn’t paying attention to his emotional needs ( I’d been in hospital having a blood transfusion that’s why!!)
If you have friends or family in the UK are you able to contact them is by email or text and start telling someone how you feel? You don’t need to tell them everything but just reaching out to someone who would be there for you if you do decide to leave can be very empowering I’ve found.
And once you’ve decided to leave please don’t be fooled by the ‘nice’ phase- it’s just another way of controlling you.
Stick to your guns, you’ll be fine. It sounds like you already have the resources to leave if you want to, so listen to your heart. Keep safe and let us know you are doing xx

[nevertoolate]

Hi I’m new to this forum too but your comment about not being believed as you are a confident professional women really struck a chord with me. We don’t seem to fit the stereotype of an abused woman so people just dismiss the abuse. Am glad to hear about your positive action plan – that’s how I feel too although I’m only just starting to get my plans together. Would love to know how you get on xx

[nevertoolate]

Thank you all for your congratulations! However I feel like there is worse to come when I file for divorce. Completely understand how you feel Grateful, as my ex is trying to be Mr nice guy too. I consulted a solicitor before I left and she was very understanding. Said his behaviour was controlling and a judge would see that as grounds for unreasonable behaviour. Just waiting for the new year to go back to her and start the process. Am expecting fireworks then too!

[nevertoolate]

Thank you for your encouragement Apple, you and the other ladies on here are keeping me going through all this.
I am still nervous around him so playing along with his lets work things out game is exhausting. Am really worried that if I’m too friendly he will want to kiss me or have me back in our bed when the thought of any physical intimacy repulses me.
And I feel like such a cow for pretending to make it work when in reality I can’t wait to divorce him!

[nevertoolate]

Hi confused123 Thanks for reassuring me I’m doing the right thing. He is now being extremely nice and seems ok with me moving out. He even offered to help me which surprised me but I didn’t accept the offer. Still think this is some sort of mind game he is playing.

[nevertoolate]

Thank you for the suggestion.

[nevertoolate]

Hi KIP
That must have been terrifying for you and to do that in front of a child is despicable. I hope you are both safe and well now.
I feel bad making plans in secret and a part of me wants to just tell him again that I’ve had enough trying to make it work and that I want out. But reading your stoy and others on here has stopped me feeling guilty as his reaction might be worse second time around. It’s just so exhausting having to pretend everything is ok!

[nevertoolate]

Thank you, I’ll look for those books. I’m reading a lot about narcissistic personalities too at the moment and it is really helping me see his behaviour in a different light.

[nevertoolate]

Thank you for reading my post – I really appreciate the support on this forum already.
Will call the helpline when I can X

[nevertoolate]

Hi velveteenbun
Thank you for replying its boosted my self-confidence no end today. Just being believed after years of having my feelings dismissed is so positive. I am starting to remember past incidents which made me uncomfortable or that something was not quite right, so I will take your advice and call the helpline when I next have an opportunity.

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