PurpleHedgehog

[PurpleHedgehog]

Also recommend both the books mentioned. They really made it clear to me about how these men use their behaviours and convince us the fault is with us. It is not. I promise you if you educate yourself in this tricky subject you will find you view things very differently. It was a proper lightbulb moment for me at least. Stay safe x

[PurpleHedgehog]

Thank you ladies.

I have spoken to the council, my local DV charity and DV assist. I have a friend who is a solicitor who has been trying to help. It seems to come down to the fact that it is my word against his, he will claim he has nowhere to go.
I pointed out how badly my mental health was suffering to my friend – it was pointed out that given how manipulative he is he will likely use that and an old family issue that involved Social services to discredit me.

So now I am stuck. No one seems to care if there are no visible injuries.

I am not sure how much longer I can do this. Every day is walking on egg shells and now I am almost confined to my room every evening just to avoid him. He continues to play mind games and manipulate the kids.

I will try to speak to the police today but if they can’t help (which I doubt tbh as again it is my word against his) I am stuck here for the foreseeable future. He won’t leave despite his promises to do so because he is too darn comfortable.

Sorry just feeling very very defeatist today.

[PurpleHedgehog]

Thank you ladies. He is still using the poverty card so cash is a no go but I am going to act grateful and use the extra time to focus on my plans. It will enable me to get some paperwork I need him to sign done etc. I am just struggling not to get drawn in by it as it is so nice to have him relaxed. But I can see it still simmering..

I will be on touch with WA asap to make sure I know what I need to have ready.

Thank you for your support x

[PurpleHedgehog]

Huge hugs lady. I too am suffering from a fog. Lots of people think my husband is amazing and it causes me to doubt myself.

I am going to try journaling things so I can see clearly. You have the recordings so you KNOW the truth. It is so hard to keep a clear head when everyone around you sees something different.

I keep reminding myself of the fairy tale “The Enperors New Clothes” it only took one little boy to point out the truth and everyone else felt proper wallies. They could see it when the stopped believing the lies that they chose to believe.

Be that voice. Use the support you have here.

Bug hugs x

[PurpleHedgehog]

Hi Moon,

I am just not sure. He seemed almost broken. It is so difficult though as I had been struggling to see to equate the guy I fell in love with with all the traits I know and can see.

A close friend has been pointing out for years the constant calls to check my location etc are not normal. The having to ask for every penny is not normal. The jokes about me doing things I blatantly haven’t isn’t right (especially after I asked him to stop and he told me to get a sense of humour).

He seems happy now to accept we need shared funds (but not sure if that is because I am working now so this way he knows what I have too?)

He says he will try harder around the house and take some sessions on handling my PTSD AND marriage counselling- both which I insisted on.

I suppose I have to wait and see if he does..
I just feel so confused as to whether I am dealing with an abuser or just an over protective partner who has been with me nearly half my life. I just wish someone could say for sure! I doubt myself…

And I said backing down because I thought he would refuse to meet my terms in honesty and so was prepared to refuse to budge on the divorce thing. So when he agreed I felt I needed to give him a chance to prove it.

Sorry rambling now but just feel so lost.
10yrs ago this would have broken my heart to say I want a divorce. Now I just don’t know.

PH

[PurpleHedgehog]

Hi DD

Just wanted to send you some support. This sounds exactly how I expect my next few months to go. He is already playing the victim here.

I am sorry he is being a berk. You are spot on, the disappointment is so tough. But you carry on protecting your little ones and yourself from this corrosive behaviour.

You are not responsible for his life. Thos is what I keep saying to myself. He is an adult. And most of all he doesn’t care how hard he makes it for me so why should I be bothered if the shoe is on the other foot?!

Anyway sending you loads of positivity

PH x

[PurpleHedgehog]

Hi Ladies.

So a few days in to trying to come to terms with the fact that my husbands behaviour is abusive.

For most of my life I have been with him and now I am starting to see that it is not normal to have to ask for money (which I had to do right up until I started work at the end of last year).

That it is ordinary for partners to share (albeit possibly unevenly) household chores – he maybe vacuums one room about every 6 weeks- not to have to specify when they are going out and where to.

I haven’t raised these issues as yet with him because he has been refusing to speak to me because I dared to be cross after a week of him not talking and there being a problem.

He is now stating that I only ever have a go.

I tried to explain that I needed his help more atm because I have had an issue which has triggered PTSD. He has accused me of having an affair because I have been actively engaged with a friend who has PTSD and identified that I needed medical intervention. Apparently he would have been more supportive if I would give him details of precisely what occurred (childhood sexual assault) to allow him to support me. I told him I can’t vocalise it easily. I panic and feel the trauma all over again when discussing it. I am awaiting treatment for this. But apparently this makes it my fault that he gets angry.

All of this makes it clear to me we need help. I asked him to book counselling. Am I flogging a dead horse? Or is it possible to get him to see I need more help and support?

Any feedback greatly appreciated. We have had some magical moments in the past but I can’t get past the feeling that we have grown distant and that it is my fault…

All the best xx

[PurpleHedgehog]

Thank you ladies. I will continue to try to educate myself I think. Even close friends have remarked that the effort seems one sided.

I am lucky in that I have a couple of special people who are prepared to help me vent.

He sulked all of last night and refused to eat (a tactic he knows used to upset me as I worried uf he didn’t due to health implications). I ignored it and waited for him to speak.

Needless to say he is still silent.

The children expressed relief when he left for work. I think I have my answers. Now it is a new journey.

DIY mum- you are right he does see himself as more important. We have had a few logistical issues recently regarding kids and it is never down to him to sort or converse.

Overcome – yes I do correct the children. They actually see and remark on his negative behaviours so if they copy I try to calmly point out it makes people sad or angry if they do x, y or z. I try not to say “it’s what dad does” but the middle one often points it out. I simply reply but that doesn’t make it right to upset people does it? …

Thank you ladies. I think this is going to be a long path and not one I ever saw myself walking but now the blinkers are starting to slide I see there is a whole other world out there!

Stay safe, much love.

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