PurpleTriangle

[PurpleTriangle]

I left my ex a few years ago now and I have ptsd, I jump at the slightest noise, and I can go from 0 to 100 in a second when I see red, which is so not me usually. Aggression is a side of ptsd .. it comes under the fight or flight mode. If I cant cope with certain situations I run away, which is what I used to do when my ex used to start a fight. I always thought my relationship was only psychological, but now I’ve realised that its not just punching that is classed as violent, I was often used as target practice when he felt like launching a mug or other hard objects at my head.

Like Iwantmeback said it takes time for someone who has been abused to heal, but you will get through it with the right support.

[PurpleTriangle]

Thanks KIP, I will look into those books as well. I really just need to understand why all this happened to me. I read somewhere that narcissists like strong smart people to manipulate and I always thought I was an easy target cos I was struggling with my mum’s death. But I sat down and thought about what I was like before I met my ex and I have remembered apart from grieving I was a strong person, so I wrote the key points down in my journal and now I have something to aspire to. I know I will never truly go back to being that person 100%, but I can try and get some of my previous qualities back.

[PurpleTriangle]

A friend of mine advised me to check out the website mind.org.uk and read their self-help pages, that friend has agreed to help me through this by talking to them about my past, until I can get professional counselling. I’ve started a journal about how I feel each day and mentioning flashbacks when I have them, so I can remember them. I’ve also purchased a book called ‘You can thrive after narcissistic abuse’ by Melanie Tonia Evans, I’ve been advised this is a good book to read. I am on an email list from one of the charities I tried, when a space becomes available, obviously this wont be for a while, so I don’t want to be sat around stressing and making myself worse. I feel more positive right now.

[PurpleTriangle]

Thanks Fizzylem, I’ll definitely look into the sliding scale. I don’t work at present, but I have some savings that I could possibly allocate to this.

KIP, I’ve decided to change surgeries completely, hopefully the new one maybe better in handling and dealing with my issues.

[PurpleTriangle]

Hi Hetty, I just took things that were mine. But I also left stuff behind that he had hidden and I couldn’t find, he was always hiding my things in an attempt to play mind games with me, so when I said I couldn’t find something, he would produce it and try and make me look like I was losing my mind. I packed my car up and left. I have no kids so I suppose it was easier in that respect.
Afterwards he said he’d reported my car as stolen, but several times I had the police behind me on the motorway, but never been pulled over, so he was as usual lying.
It took me years to gain the courage to leave, he always said I wouldn’t survive without him.
I had left once before but only lasted a couple of months and he promised me he would change and like an idiot I believed him, but he soon went to back his old ways of belittling me, and I think was even worse than earlier times.

I hope you manage to get something sorted out for you and your kids. x

[PurpleTriangle]

Wow all your comments describe my ex to a tee. Apart from the mother issues, his was really nice to me and used to stick up for me when he decided to accuse me of stuff. But his brother was so much like him in every way, and he didn’t like me one bit and every chance he got he’d make snide comments to my ex who never stuck up for me.
My ex would tell me things and then totally deny them the next day saying I was lying, or miss bits out and then accuse me of not listening to him, or just deliberately not tell me something and say he did when I argued that he hadn’t and that would make me think I was then losing my mind. He had no friends, he acted like he was close to work colleagues but never went socialising with them and then proceeded to call them names behind their backs when he saw fit. When I first met him, it wasn’t long after my mother had died and I was struggling with her death and he love bombed me saying he would take care of me, wanted to spend loads of time with me, and I felt so special.
I always knew when he was having affairs, as he would accuse me of seeing other men when I wasn’t, so he could get away with it. I worked during the week so always did my cleaning at the weekend, but he would then do the cleaning on his day off and when I said I was going to do it at the weekend, he would call be fat and lazy, and that I had no intention of doing it. He’d start arguments and bring up everything I’d done wrong in his eyes over the past years, I would never be able to win them. He always broke my stuff and yes it was always my fault. He loved money and we ended up with huge debts cos he wanted everything brand new. The bills were paid by my wages and then he’d make me feel small cos I’d have to ask him for money and act like he was doing me a favour by giving it to me.
He was a compulsive liar and tripped himself up often and if I pointed this out to him, he would become very aggressive.
He definitely thought he was a cut above everyone else and no one was as good as him, very delusional.

[PurpleTriangle]

I cried for a week when I knew I was gonna leave, and couldn’t explain why. It’s as if he knew I was going cos that week he was super nice to me, making me feel more and more guilty. I made notes on my phone so I knew where everything was, so when I left I could find stuff. I only had one family member that knew what he was like and she backed me all the way, the rest of my family had stopped talking to me years ago cos of him. My work colleagues were fantastic and tried to keep my spirits up that week. I even ironed all his clothes so he wouldn’t be without any. The day I left, I went to work in the morning as usual, and then had half a day off to come back and gather my things and leave. I was a dithering wreck and every time a car drove past the house, I flew to the window thinking it was him. I left him a note saying I couldn’t cope with his aggressive ways and ever changing moods and that I didn’t love him anymore. I went to live a friend he knew nothing about in a different area so he couldn’t find me. I blocked his number on my phone, although he did ring me on withheld numbers and I ended up having to change my number, I blocked him absolutely everywhere. Cos we had a mortgage together I allowed him to contact via an email, he was told only financial contact to be discussed, but he still used it to spew his vile comments and accusations at me, so in the end my friend took over the email and only allowed me to view the stuff I needed to read to stop him from upsetting and frightening me. I was a wreck when I left, jumping at the slightest thing, always asking them if I could use the toilet and apologising for the slightest of things. I felt tremendous guilt for leaving and worried he wouldn’t be able to cope without me. Now I’m years down the line, I struggle with my confidence and if anyone compliments me I find it hard to accept they mean it. But I am so glad I got out when I did. I’m slowly turning my life around, and now looking for counselling to try understand everything I’m feeling and went through at the hands of my ex.

It is hard to leave and yes it does make you emotional and feel guilty, but to be away from the abuse is a relief. You can do this and even though you may think your not strong enough to cope without him, over time you will realise you can cope on your own. Good Luck and stay strong xxx

[PurpleTriangle]

I love reading it helps me relax and takes me to another place, if I am stressed. Music is another thing that helps me relax. I am still jumpy even now at the slightest unexpected noise, I can literally jump out of my skin at some things, to the amusement of my friends, I find it hard to explain to them why it happens.

Good for you KIP on doing the Psychology course, I know I would never have the patience to do that kind of thing. I hope it goes really well for you.

I have emailed one of the local charities I found, I will update you if I get an answer from them.

[PurpleTriangle]

Hi Kip. Once I calmed down and stopped my tears, I found a couple of local charities that deal specifically with domestic abuse, so I will try those. I don’t work at present, I had to leave my previous job as my ex wouldn’t stop calling me there and it caused too much stress for me to be able to stay. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression some time ago after my mum died when I was younger, subsequently my ex played on them and made them a whole lot worse. I did have counselling to help with them but as I moved away to a different area after I left him, I wouldn’t be able to use those services again. I’m so glad I found this site, I do think it will be a great help to me, talking to people like yourself, that understand what I’m feeling.

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