seaside lass

[seaside lass]

SilkyHalide I’ve not read all of the book yet, the beauty of it being on my kindle is he doesn’t know what I am reading.
Ayanna, you’re right, it is easier said than done. He has said he wants to change as he now realises how close he is to losing everything, which is what he’s said when I’ve asked him why he hasn’t taken notice of me before. I do know I want him gone, but how can I justify it without a second chance, and it’s the only one he’s getting one, hopefully he knows how serious I am. If only I was the one that needed to leave, we’d have been gone and it’d all be over now x

[seaside lass]

It’s going to be a long slog, but my priorities are the kids and me. I’ll only go on the sick if I feel my work will suffer, if I make mistakes (detail removed by Moderator) , so it’s still an option, but it’s my option-not his.
He’s tried the sanity route, and yesterday I did doubt me, but that won’t happen again. I know my mind, and I know what has happened, he’ll not have me doubting again.
I’m going to suggest couples counselling, and see how he reacts to that, then I might know how serious he is about wanting to change xx

[seaside lass]

I bought that book at the weekend, and I’m reading it on my kindle. He’s doing some textbook stuff in there.
I came downstairs to him crying this morning, looking at pictures of the children. We had yet another talk, but this time he’s not dismissed me as a ranting woman, told him I am me, I know what makes me happy I don’t care what other women expect and want. He’s finally acknowledged that he’s not really acted on what he can remember that I have said in the past as most discussions tend to happen when he’s had a drink and he blows up easy, and also can’t remember. He’s promised me he can change and will change, I’m sceptical and against my better judgement he’s still here, but this is his second strike, next time he is out, he knows this and claims that there won’t be a next time. I’ve yet to ask him about his accusations against my mental health, but I will, I want him to take that back too-if he doesn’t then that’s his third strike. I feel so weak doing this, but, he’s going to have to change drastically and quickly, and keep it up, deep down I don’t think he’ll be able to do it, but this way when it doesn’t work he will hopefully see that the breakdown is his own doing, that’s the plan anyway. I’ve got an appointment with a solicitor this week, arranged by the local refuge which I’m still going to, there’s a few bits I want to know legally. The biggest one is, last night he said if I’m not happy then I have to leave, house and bills are all in my name, so I want to know how I can get him out if/when that situation happens again, I know I can change the locks on him and he has no rights to be back xx

[seaside lass]

I’ve looked up gas lighting and I think that is what he is attempting to do, but I have got quite a good memory, so I can’t be tricked into believing another version of the truth. I think he might believe them though.
We spoke again yesterday, he said if he goes I’ll get no money, and he’ll not see the kids, then he’s saying that I’m not going to make him a part time father and I have to tell the kids that he did everything possible to keep us a family. He said he can change, it’ll take time, but he can, but he can’t change his personality!! I said about him not letting me go on nights out, and he said he’s never stopped me, and when he said that he was protecting his interests when I had loads of grief on a night out last September, he said of course he was, I’m his wife and he doesn’t know who I was out with. I was out with work, and I’ve been there for all my working life, I was seeing him when I started work!
I think I might see my GP, I might need a sick note soon, I have a very responsible job and me not thinking properly isn’t worth what could happen.
Speaking to him last night I think he is totally oblivious to his actions, he keeps trivialising what I’m saying, and trying to talk me round, and of course when I’m not agreeing with him I’m the mad one!!
I’m staying positive, as I do know I’m not deluded, I was for years, but now I see everything for what it is xx

[seaside lass]

I tried to throw him out (detail removed by moderator), packed him a bag and texted him while he was out. I thought that would be the easiest way. But, he has nowhere to live, ‘loves me’ and doesn’t want to be away from the kids. Yesterday I went food shopping, did a few washes, general tidy round and cooked dinner. This morning after I ironed kids uniforms, I had to tidy the dinner pots away before I could make the kids packed lunches. I’m sat at work and it’s really playing on me, so I text him again saying to put his name down for a flat, not necessarily to move out, but to give us a time scale for changes to be seen. I get a text back to phone him or he’s coming into my work! That’s when he’s told me, again, that what I’m doing isn’t what a sane person does, (detail removed by moderator)!!! And I should have asked him to iron the uniforms yesterday. He wants me to go on the sick, and get counselling as I’m not sane. I go from feeling the most sane I’ve ever felt, to questioning every decision I’ve ever made! Xx

[seaside lass]

He’s already back, he’s upstairs watching football, suppose that’s better than being at the pub and coming home drunk, and says things that he can’t remember!!
He’s already done the he has nothing to live for without us, he loves me so much, how can I take the kids away from him. So far I’ve seen no change, apart from instead of going to the pub he’s gone upstairs. But, there’s been no nastiness, and it wasn’t everyday, sometimes very sporadic, but then there’s been no help either. Today I’ve been food shopping, tidied kitchen etc (dishwasher load/unload), washing putting away, I took the bedding up and he wanted me to help put it on, I usually do it my myself, so I put it on the bed (not on on, just dumped it) and came downstairs. I know I sound petty, but I work full time too, and this work should be shared a bit…
As I said, it’s going to be the long game, but I’ll get there xx

[seaside lass]

Thanks ladies.

Thanks for the advice Herindoors, that’s one of the reasons I want to do it by text, is in case he turns violent, I’m almost sure he won’t, but I have a niggling doubt. I know he’ll explode, and I don’t want the kids seeing that, again, they’ve seen too much.

I’m going to phone the helpline today, and see what they say. I spoke to my boss yesterday, just to put him partly in the picture, he was lovely, so I know that work is aware of my situation, and will accommodate my needs, I work peculiar shifts.

Well done Herindoors, you come across as happy with what you’ve done and your life now. Confused123, I keep reading your post, thank you-you are saying the things I know, but I do need to see someone else saying it too so I know it’s not just in my head.

Hugs xx

[seaside lass]

Hi ladies,

Thank you for replying.

Confused123, I don’t need an occupancy order, I asked at the refuge and she checked with someone (I forget who she said) and I’m within my rights to change the lock, in fact the only thing his name is on is the council tax and electoral register, bills are all in my name too.

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that I’m just going to text him. He’s done it to me in the past when we’ve been arguing, he’s text to say he’s not coming back, so I’m going to give him the same respect that he’s given me all those times! If I was leaving we’d just be gone, so it’s sort of the same. Although, I do think I will leave him a bag of stuff in the garage (it’s not near our house), just so he knows I mean it, and he’s not claiming I left him with nothing-he’ll have clean underwear.

The hardest thing I’m finding doing this is how much I wish my mam was still here, I lost her 4 years ago and I need her so much now.

Hugs xx

[seaside lass]

I’ve phoned women’s aid today, and they gave me a number for a local service. I’m waiting on them getting back in touch to arrange a one-to-one meet. I’m wanting to do this with as little upset to my kids as possible, and to make it clean. I want to know that what I’m doing regards the house is right, I don’t want him to be gone, and to then be back. I do know that initially it will be hard, but I’m in a limbo now, now I’ve finally had my eyes opened I want it done.
The things you’re saying Godschild sound the same as here. He’s not hit me, although I thought he was going to on Christmas Day, he stood up to me and brought his arm back, but I left the room at that point.
Thank you confused123, I’m still confused, and keep doubting me. But, as I read my first piece over and over so many more memories keep coming back. As I said to one of the ladies I spoke to today, each thing in isolation doesn’t seem too much, it feels like an over reaction, but, when you put them all together-even without violence, it’s demoralising,demeaning and exhausting waiting for the next blow up over nothing! I’ve had enough.
I’m just waiting on my call now.

Hugs to you all xx

[seaside lass]

Hi mixed up mum,

I’ve just sat down to phone women’s aid, and I’m sure this is common, I’m starting to doubt everything-am I over reacting?? I so wish I could pop to me mam’s and talk it through with her, that just makes me miss her more though and sets me off being a blubbering wreck.

Well done on you though, you must feel so free and accomplished, thank you for still popping in here, I’m sure you know how much it’s appreciated having someone to talk to <3

When he’s being nice I do think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, and it isn’t all of the time, but it’s exhausting always walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow up. I know he’ll turn it into my fault, and I’m almost sure he’ll not turn violent-it’s the controlling, belittling and we’ve not been close for ages, it’s almost 4 years since we did anything, and no cuddling, or even sitting on same settee. I’m rambling again, sorry.

I’m off to phone them now,

Hugs xx

[seaside lass]

Thanks ladies, it does feel better to have this written down, and you know where I’m coming from. I’ve been through the denial thing, I’ve done a few online quizzes, and know it is what it is. It isn’t all the time, but I think part of that is on my part, I bite my tongue a lot!

Mixed up mum, the house is in my name, the bills are in my name, I know it’s bricks and mortar, but recently I have lost so much (my parents, both together and quickly) and I don’t think I could do the uncertainty of not knowing where we are going. I am the main wage earner, my husband wouldn’t be able to afford to keep the house on, so I’m keeping it. Not saying I’ll not sell up, and move, but for now my kids have been through so much, they spent a lot of time with my parents so I want to keep things as stable as possible for them.

Thanks for the advice Ayanna and confused 123, tomorrow I’m going to phone women’s aid and get all of the necessary advice and go from there. Now I’ve admitted this to myself I know I’m being different, and I’m sure even my husband will pick up on it, if he’s ever off his iPad.

Thank you all again, hugs xx

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