skidaddling

[skidaddling]

Hi Sherrybelle and everyone,
I am encouraged by your story. So glad you have found a supportive partner. Decades ago I was a feisty professional and single parent, then I got dazzled by a man who is clever. He moved in and took over my life. At first, I resisted but little by little got used to taking the path of least resistance. He controlled every aspect of my life – financial and social. I have left him but still I feel like I am controlled by him – he is still in my head. If you met me you would think I am quiet and capable. I hang on to the capable me and its that part that resists reaching out in case I am seen as a victim because that is one of the ways he controlled me. With him I am a poor creature who needs looking after and I can’t go there again. It’s so hard to describe the ways in which he has come to run my life, but have broken free almost. I live in a different country and I have talked with a solicitor and told him I want a divorce too many times. I teeter on the edge of pressing the button and starting the process and freezing up when he assumes I am going back.
He has only hit me once – his anger and authoritarian tone is enough to terrify me. My grown up children all want me away from him and they have cautious relationships with him. I feel programmed by him. I know it and yet it’s like those films where the victims are hypnotised and the perpetrator says one word and they do his bidding.I am trying to reintegrate myself and this message is an attempt at that. I am so glad to have found this forum and love the word ‘clan’

[skidaddling]

Hello,

I am new here and just want to say that it is so important to me to be part of this. I have struggled for years to find a voice to express what I have been through. It is not over and even tho I live separately now – still a message from him can send me into a frozen panic for days. I doubt my ability to say the right thing, that will come back I know – but for now I am just so grateful to hear other voices. Noslen I am so sorry to hear some of what you have been through. And Kip your words are so on the mark. We are not alone

[skidaddling]

Hello Escapee,

Well done for getting out.

In my experience acknowledgement and kindness, help lessen triggers.

I am newly out of a controlling relationship and am learning about my triggers. On a good day, it feels like part of the process of relearning who I am. On a bad one, well I freeze up.

But we deserve to be free of the after-effects. And I hope you are soon.

best wishes fellow traveller x

[skidaddling]

Sorry I think I’ve got my replies mixed up.
onwards!
Hello Bananaboat,
Yes, I have that too – his voice in my head when I make any decisions. I am finding a childish way of just treating choices like they don’t matter. Worse than that is feeling unable to do anything nice for myself. I hate that I got so used to having his permission that without it I feel kind of empty.
When I remember I use the words ‘as if’. I do things ‘as if’ i want to. I’ve got to believe all of this will start to feel like me again.
What works for you?

[skidaddling]

Hi Kip

It’s good to hear that getting your own motivations and preferences in place has happened for you without that hang-over feeling.
Really appreciated your message. And I hope you continue to grow in strength of knowing your self.
x

[skidaddling]

Hello, Eggshells,
I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you.
I relate to having problems with men. Even though I know they are mostly decent, I expect them to be like him. But that set-up at your interview was horrible, very intimidating! That would have freaked me. My ex watched me a lot so having two men observing while one asked the question would have shaken me for sure.
My new career is a low earner that gives me a place in the world – rebuilding self-worth is job in itself hey?
by the way I expressed my intro badly I’ve been out of trap for (detail removed by moderator). So, early days!
I’m glad you replied, thanks and I hope you see the way to finding some security

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