soapt

[soapt]

my heart pounding, waiting for the next onslaught of whatever it is I have done wrong – I don’t feel relaxed ever, even when he sleeps, I’m scared he’ll wake up and it’ll all start again.

This right here hits home for me, hard. For a very long time, I have not been able to fall asleep before my husband for the same fear – that he will wake up and want to fight about something I did or didn’t do (usually something sexual). It is anxiety! I’m pretty sure sleep is supposed to be restful lol. Among other things, this isn’t right.

Sounds to me that you are also in an abusive relationship and he seriously only cares for himself.

Take care

[soapt]

Oh my gosh girl, I feel you. I don’t think I have any advice, but just a shoutout because this is exactly what’s happening with me. Pretty much your whole post. I feel that he could sense me slipping away and that’s why he is doing all this stuff to “prove” his love for me. I know he is good at reading people, and he unfortunately knows me pretty well. I HAVE been pulling away, secretly making plans to leave, etc. So I just don’t know how much of this calm, loving behavior I can trust.

I dont know how to handle this calm spell, should I try and re kindle my love for him? Should I try and be more loving more forgiving? Should I enjoy this time with this man that I once loved and try and love him again? Or do I stay on guard stay waiting worrying that he will revert back?

Exactly! Same boat. I wish someone could just take an inventory of my relationship and tell me what to do!

I cant bare to have him near me i dont want to spend time with him alone anymore…I just cant sit and cuddle him or kiss him or even hold his hand I just cant do it

It feels icky, right? Like for me, I’m repulsed. I do not look forward to his company, I dread it. Even though he is “trying”! Like, now all of a sudden I find him distasteful? IDK…

Maybe there is someone who has been through a seriously massive “calm” who can share how it went after?

[soapt]

From the very beginning, he has always been very jealous, controlling, telling me how I should wear, checking who I was going out with or calling me many times every time I was meeting some friends. I didn’t even dare to look up when walking in the street or shops because he thought I was looking at men even though I’ve never done so or cheated on him.

The jealousy and controlling behavior you mentioned is what I went through. I never gave him a reason that I would cheat. It was mad romantic love at first. We were total “soul mates”. Still, it went like this: him coercing me to have sex with other guys, recording it for his viewing pleasure later; me actually cheating on him to gain some control back after failed attempts to get his fetish to stop; him demanding me to sleep with more guys to “fix” my alleged affair – (detail removed by moderator) many sleepless nights; getting screamed at; being called disgusting names; hearing threats of suicide and divorce; locking me out of our home; tracking my location nonstop; and now…I am making appointments with lawyers, telling my parents (finally), being manipulative and sneaky, waiting for the proper time to move out.

Please end it or if you stay, get into individual counseling, & see if he is open to going himself as well (prob not together). If he doesn’t see a need to change now, sadly, he may never.

Best

[soapt]

I’ve been going through this very thing. The crap hit the fan in (detail removed by moderator) and made me actually envision life without this man. I go back and forth daily, like: is he changing for real? Or will I just waste more of my time with him because his abuse will manifest in different ways later on? Is he right? Is he trying and I’m not? The mind battles absolutely drain me. Individual counseling has helped me. My husband doesn’t know I’ve been getting help. Like yours, my husband doesn’t hit me either.

I’m learning that it’s inevitable that I must leave. At least separate. A huge reason for me is that there are certain things my husband refuses to do or face. I won’t give him any ultimatums like he has with me, but I have wanted him to go to individual counseling for awhile. He thinks he can will his way to being a better person, even in the midst of complete chaos. I also think that he is “changing” because he can sense that I already have one foot out the door.

It’s so much easier to see what other people’s issues are and maybe what they should do. But if you get some help from a counselor I would say that’s a good step. Not marriage counseling. Since you’re here, you already feel what you feel, and you are seeking validation. In my opinion, if it’s safe, get a counselor and go from there. My IC is virtual. I had doubts about that working but it is 100% awesome.

Best

[soapt]

Thank you!

He is very convincing. Ugh there is just so much to dissect!

Because of my “affair” he always says that his feelings are real, and that I did truly hurt him and I haven’t apologized or made him feel special since that. But lately, like you said, I can’t unsee his abusive tactics and that is making me feel very unattracted to him and just overall not interested in being around him, let alone be intimate. But his latest thing is that I’m creating more layers of “triggers” for him because I haven’t been wanting him sexually. It makes him feel like I’m still satisfied from having sex with other guys and that I belong to them. Keyword there is “belong” like I am some piece of property, but I will go into that later. Anyway, he doesn’t get why I’m not all over him constantly, and wanting sex multiple times a day. He says he would basically be healed if I behaved this way. The biggest issue I have with that is that I don’t want to get pregnant and I can’t get on birth control. I purchased spermicide tubes but they only last an hour after application, so it’s still risky. I also just don’t want to! But I think my brainwashed self wants to try. Just…what if that is really all he needs? Sort of like I don’t want to leave the relationship if I really haven’t given my all. I really haven’t given my all, and it appears that he is trying hard and doing his best, more than he ever has. But then again, if my gut is right…the abuse will continue but will manifest in different ways.

BTW he refuses counseling. He wants to “try this” first. Also I have been seeing a counselor without him even knowing since February. It’s helping tremendously.

Now, the “belong” issue. The examples of him objectifying me and owning me:
1. He says it all the time. “You don’t belong to me, you belong to those other guys you had sex with.” “Your butt isn’t mine, it’s so-and-so’s” “You should want to be mine. Aren’t you glad I’m possessive? It means I care.”
2. After my “affair” he (detail removed by moderator).
3. His need for control of my mind. He can’t stand it thinking I could be thinking of another man. When we were first dating, he frequently asked “(Detail removed by moderator).
4. He subtly coerced me to sleep with other men, even making me record the events for his viewing pleasure. This fetish started out in the very early stages of our relationship and came to fruition right before we got married. Today he will say that I “could have said no.” Could I though?

So are you saying to just go with my gut, and leave now and not wait (detail removed by moderaotor) to be over?

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